Beautifully Destroyed

by Gracie Wilson

  “You were having a nightmare or something. I know you’re not supposed to wake someone, but you just sounded so scared,” he whispers to me like I will start screaming again any minute.

  “Did I say anything?” Sometimes I don’t just scream, I can also talk during the episode. His eyes are boring into mine and I feel exposed.

  “I didn’t notice anything, really. I just wanted to wake you.” Oh good, but I woke him still.

  “I’m sorry, Cameron, I didn’t mean to wake you. You shouldn’t have to deal with this,” I say more to myself than him.

  “Fate, I’m not sure what this was about. I don’t expect you to tell me. You just met me but don’t think everyone is all roses. We’ve all got stuff that screws with us. Life’s price.” His words are comforting but my mind is somewhere else. Something he said brings me back. Back there. To my nightmare.

  “Don’t, please,” I beg as I pull away, but it’s no use. It never is.

  “This is the price of the life we live,” he says.

  “Fate…” His voice pulls me from my memory and his voice soothes my rapid breath. “I lost you for a minute there.”

  “Sorry, I spaced out,” I say, trying to brush it off. “Thank you, Cameron. I will make sure this doesn’t happen again. You didn’t ask for a roommate with these issues,” I say without thinking.

  “Stop.” I shrink away. He goes to lay his hand on mine, but I quickly pull away. “Sorry. Just don’t, okay? Don’t be sorry for something you’re not doing on purpose. Save the ‘sorry’ for when it’s something in your control. That’s what I had to learn to do.” Maybe, just maybe this won’t be as bad as I thought. He could be going to the residence committee saying I’m crazy and a problem. But he seems to understand. However, that doesn’t mean I’m going to let him touch me.

  “Thank you, Cameron. I won’t bother you again.” He gives me a look almost as if he’s saying, ‘really, Fate, I thought we covered this.’ “Sorry.” He smirks but still gives the same look. “Ah. Ya. Well, this was fun. You should get some sleep,” I say, hoping to get him out of here. This is my safe zone. He gets the hint and rises. Turning to the door to leave, he stops with his hand on the doorknob and looks back at me.

  “Fate, we all have a fucked-up past or a screwed-up life. Don’t let it define you.” He gives me a small smile. “Give Fate a new definition.” He grins and slowly closes the door as he leaves.

  A new definition for Fate? As in me or fate itself.

  Chapter Three

  Day one of classes seemed to go fine. No one bothered with me, which could be both good and bad. Everyone was just talking about classes and who’s who. Nothing but small talk, which is, unfortunately, something I don’t do well. As I walk into residency, I see Cameron standing there with a group of girls around him. They all seem to be gushing and he’s enjoying the attention. Of course he is, he’s normal. I can’t stand when the attention is on me. Quickly, I make my way around them, hoping he doesn’t catch me.

  Maybe I can get out of dinner tonight. I am so tired I need to take a nap. Looking back, I see him watching me, ignoring the girls who are obviously trying to get him to pay attention to them. They all have skin showing all over the place. Not me. I hide as much as possible. Less chance to be touched or at least when it happens it isn’t skin to skin. Once I’m inside our apartment, I feel like I got home free without getting tagged. I walk over to my room and there is a note posted on my door. Taking it off the door carefully, I see that it is from Cameron.

  See you at 7pm, don’t think I forgot.

  It has a smiley face on it too. Crap. Well, so much for getting out of dinner and hiding out in my room alone all night. Looking at my watch, I see I can get a few hours of sleep. Maybe he will be preoccupied with those girls downstairs and leave me alone. Getting in some yoga pants and a T-shirt, I climb into bed to get some rest. It will help tonight when everyone else is sleeping.

  Bang, bang.

  “Rise and shine, Fate. Dinner in thirty!” Cameron yells from the other side of my door. I groan and look at my clock. It is six-thirty on the dot, are you serious? I want more sleep. I roll over and throw my face into my pillow. “Fate, I’m serious. You’re wasting time. At seven I’m coming in there whether you’re ready or not, and I will drag you out in whatever kitty pajamas you’re wearing.”

  “Ah, fine, I’m up,” I yell back, and he chuckles. “And I’m in yoga pants for your information,” I say with as much attitude as I can muster.

  “Just yoga pants? Well, that would be an interesting dinner.” I groan and hop out of bed, throwing open the door. He laughs again, almost bending over in a full fit of laughter. “Oh, darn, shirt too.” I raise one of my eyebrows and cross my arms. He puts his hands up in defense. “I’m kidding, Fate. I’m sorry. I don’t usually hang out with girls. I don’t know how not to make jokes. Bear with me, I’m a quick learner, I promise.”

  “It’s fine. I’m just not used to hanging out with anyone.” His smile slips and he goes to say something, but I cut him off. I don’t want his pity. I didn’t mean to say that. “My time is ticking.” Then I slam my door in his face, causing him to burst into a chuckle again.

  “Tick Tock.”

  No joke, he was banging on my door at exactly seven. Luckily, I was ready, not that it takes me long to get ready. I don’t wear makeup or anything to draw people’s attention to me. I put on just a pair of jeans and a black, long sleeve V-necked shirt. As I said, nothing fancy or flashy. I learned long ago not to stand out. “I’m ready,” I say as I open the door and he’s standing right there. He really is beautiful in an obvious sort of way. Looking at him, I almost can’t look away. All he has on is a pair of dark jeans and blue T-shirt that hugs him in all the right ways. I’m so out of my element here.

  “Well, look at that, a girl who can get ready in a reasonable amount of time. I like it,” he says in a joking way.

  “Don’t get used to it. I’m sure I’m not like most girls here. I won’t spend hours getting ready for anyone. This is me, I’m just Fate,” I say quietly.

  “Yes. Yes, you are.” I’m not sure what to take from what he’s saying to me, so I just walk to grab my jacket. He is walking close behind me, I can tell, but he stays just out of reach so we don’t accidentally touch. Cameron seems to be picking up on my issues and adapting. It’s good that he’s that observant but it also embarrasses me that it’s needed. “Any idea where you want to go?”

  “Um, I don’t know anywhere, really. I’ve only been to one little Italian place, so I will let you pick. It was your idea,” I say, trying to give a smirk at the end.

  “Perfect. Time to go, Fate.” He leads me out of the apartment, still careful not to touch me. We get into a cab and find our way to a little restaurant. Nothing fancy but very secluded. “This is one of my favorite places to go. They have a bit of everything. Even vegetarian food.” I give him an odd look. “Oh, I saw all the nature artwork and wildlife in your room and thought maybe you didn’t eat meat.”

  I actually laugh, a full no hold back laugh. “No, I eat meat. Steak, burgers, sausage…” He gives me a smirk and I catch on to his innuendo. Playfully, I swat at him and he chuckles as he gets out of my hand’s reach. Seems I’m getting better at getting some of the social cues on interaction and all the jokes. “I like anything, okay? I’m not picky, was all I was trying to say.”

  “Gotcha,” he says with a smirk while leading me to the back corner of this place. It’s a little booth style seat just for two. With his hand, he points to either side. I just shrug my shoulders and pick the one with my back to the place. Maybe I won’t be as anxious if I don’t see the other people looking at us. “So, Fate, tell me about yourself.”

  Here it comes, small talk. “Well, I turned eighteen three weeks ago.” His face turns to shock. “Didn’t you read your roommate sheet?” I say, trying to deflect whatever he’s about to say.

  “No, I figured it wouldn’t matter. We’d learn about each other the old-f
ashioned way. But I’m assuming you did. If you didn’t want a male roommate, why didn’t you say something when you got your fact sheet?” I’m stunned. Never had I thought that I was actually showing him that I didn’t want a male roommate.

  “Honestly, it wouldn’t matter the gender of my roommate, it would still be an adjustment. I’m sorry if I gave you the impression it’s you being a man or you at all that is the issue. Just an adjustment, I’m sure it will all work itself out. I’m just not the same as you, is all.” His eyebrow rises and I know I’ve said something to warrant a response.

  “So you think you have me pegged? Tell me, Fate. Who am I?” The way he said my name was laced with sarcasm and I shrink away from the table, putting my hands in my lap. After a moment, he breaks the silence. “I’m sorry, Fate, I didn’t mean to sound that way. I just don’t appreciate being judged.”

  “I didn’t mean it that way, I’m just observant, so I know we are different in the social aspect.”

  “Okay, explain.” Just like that, as always when I feel I’m put on the spot, I go to what I know.

  “You’re like a schooling fish, you just love people and that’s just not me. I can’t explain it,” I say to Cameron without looking in his eyes.

  “So you’re a beta fish then?” I'm stunned to be having this conversation. He is actually talking to me about it and not just looking at me as a freak talking about fish.

  “Actually, that’s probably one of the easiest ways to explain it,” I say honestly.

  “But those get along with the other gender, so we’re good,” he says with a big smirk.

  “Unfortunately, that is false. They enjoy being alone no matter the gender. They also hide. Caves, rock formations...but always alone.” I babble on like I just can't stop these things coming out of my mouth.

  “Well, there has to be an exception or there wouldn't be any of them since they have to mate.” I go to open my mouth, but he puts his finger to my lips. I am immediately uncomfortable but less because he’s touching me. It’s more that I didn’t flinch. “I know you could probably give a scientific answer to this but just leave it. You can hide and be the rare lonely Beta fish. But I’m not going to let you do it forever. No one should hide their whole life away, alone.”

  In that moment I feel as if this might actually work. I could have a friend. Then I hear a girl excitedly screaming. “Oh my God. It’s you.” Her words make me shrink back. Who does she think I am? Then I notice she is looking at Cameron. His face is scrunched up. He looks frustrated, but he quickly turns to a cheerful smile.

  “Yes, hello, and you are?” he says to the girl, who is maybe two years older than me.

  “Oh, it is you. My name is Cara. I can’t believe I’m looking at Cameron McAlister. No one will believe me. Can I take a picture with you and maybe get an autograph?” He stands from his seat and the girl grabs on to him and turns her phone to take a picture of them both. I just sit there, trying to look invisible. She hands him a notebook, and he puts it down on the table in front of me as he signs it. Cameron McAlister and underneath it says, ‘Ten Ways Gone.’ He quickly hands it to her, and she gives him a hug.

  “Well, Cara, enjoy your night,” he says, trying to dismiss her.

  “Oh, I’m sorry to interrupt your date. I didn’t realize, thank you again.” She looks at me with envy, and I go to correct her, but Cameron talks, silencing me.

  “Thanks for understanding and letting me get back to my date.” She leaves, grabbing her take-out order with her. I can’t think, my mind is spinning. Who is this guy, and what the heck did I get myself into? Whatever it is, I know I just can’t deal with it right now. Quickly, I grab my purse and take off out the door.

  “Fate, wait. Let me explain.” I hear him saying from behind me, but I don’t stop. A cab is waiting outside and without thinking I hop in, telling him where to go. Just as we are taking off, Cameron comes out the door, looking for me. Talking to him about this right now isn’t something I can do without more information. Who thinks to google their roommate before moving in? The last thing I need is to be living with someone in the spotlight. I’ve moved too far and given up too much for it to come crashing down around me.

  Chapter Four

  As soon as I’m through the door, I rush to my room and lock the door behind me. Opening my laptop, I begin to look up Cameron McAlister. What I see makes my heart drop. Headlines read ‘Party boy leads to trashed hotel room… Musician Cameron taking time off for education… Stories leak of backstage sexual behavior worries executives… Time to clean up the image of lead man Cameron McAlister.’ My roommate is a celebrity and not just any type. A musician.

  “Hush. We don’t need people to hear you.” I want to cry, but he either likes it or it makes him angrier with me. He gets up, goes to the radio, and turns it on. Music comes through, drowning out the sounds I might make. Focusing on the music is all I can do to get myself away from here.

  “I should have told you.” Looking up, I see Cameron standing in the doorway.

  “Thought I locked that,” I groan, frustrated with myself.

  “You did,” he says, holding up a little screwdriver. Looking at me, he sees the screen I have up of him. “But I guess now you think you know all about me.”

  Closing the screen of my laptop carefully, I’m torn as to what to say. “Cameron, I’m sorry I reacted that way. It’s just I’m not used to being around that or having that kind of attention given to someone with me. As I said, you’re a schooling fish, happy in a crowd. Where I just want to be left—”

  “Alone? Right, and you don’t think that someone can be alone in a crowd. Let me tell you something. You may sit here and be alone but don’t think that with all those people I feel any less alone. If anything, it is worse to be surrounded and feel secluded. Open your damn eyes, no one is perfect. We can’t all have a perfect world like you.” As soon as he says it, I see he regrets it, but I can’t let it go.

  “Perfect. Perfect. That’s what you think my life is. How can you even say that to me? Did you not wake to me screaming? Have you not noticed I can’t handle the dark? Does that sound like a normal perfect life to you?” I yell at him. It feels amazing but wrong at the same time.

  “We all have some loose screws. Unfortunately no one is untainted these days, Fate. It doesn’t mean that’s the whole story. It’s just the beginning.” I want to hear his words, but I know this isn’t that world.

  “Maybe for a rock star who can just start his whole life over and forget about the girls he’s screwed over and the rules he’s broken, but I can’t. I don’t have money to just throw at people or education to shut them up. I have too much to lose and far more to prove, to get involved with that limelight. I. Don’t. Want. This,” I scream. I’ve never had so much emotion in a conversation.

  “There you go with that judgmental shit again. Not everyone doesn’t have a history. Clearly you do, so I thought there’d be some compassion. What the hell is that saying about glass houses…”

  “People who live in them shouldn’t throw stones,” I yell back at him.

  “Well, if you know it, stop throwing them. I don’t know who fucked with you, but damn, just get under someone else. The world isn’t as screwed-up as you’re making it out to be. People screw up, that doesn’t mean they are all bad.” He sneers at me and the look in his eyes makes me take a step back. Why are you egging him on, Fate?

  “Get under someone else? Yes, because that will solve everything,” I say, almost choking out in tears at the last part. I will not cry.

  “Oh, the ice princess can feel things. She’s not the cold hearted person she pretends to be.” His words are laced with rage.

  “Now who’s judging?” I stick my chin out, trying to hold face. “I’m sorry I’m not like all the other girls drooling over you and your assets. Should I have just crawled in bed with you on day one? Would that have made me not a freaking ice princess?” I am enraged by his words.

  “Who says I would take yo
u to my bed? Hmm, I believe it’s wishful thinking on your part, darling. When I said ‘date’ tonight to that fan, I did it to save face. As you said, I’m a rock star, what would I want with the ice princess?”

  “Princess…” He says it and I want to scream out for someone, but I know there isn’t anyone coming. The music is on again.

  “Don’t. I’ll tell.”

  “No, you won’t, because no one wants you and if you tell they never will.” His voice is cold.

  “Fate.” Cameron is calm and now trying to talk to me again. He takes a step forward to me.

  “Don’t. Touch. Me,” I say as calmly as possible.

  He moves toward me again. “Fate, please.”

  “I said don’t,” I scream, causing him to halt right away. “I didn’t think tonight was a date because you’re right, I’m ice. I don’t feel anything because when I do it’s too much to bear. So please just leave me alone. You’ve done enough. Said enough. So just stop.” He looks so sad I feel exasperated with his demeanor. “Don’t worry about me. Just go out and do what you do. From what I’ve read it’s screw any girl and not care about them, just don’t bring them in here. I don’t need you and your groupies trashing our apartment.”

  “Oh hell, you are just the same as every other girl. All about Fate,” he yells back, then turns and walks out of our apartment, slamming the door closed.

  What did I just do?

  I want to go after him, but I know it won’t change anything. He’s probably like me, he just needs to cool off and we can talk about this again tomorrow. I turn, going back to my room, but I leave my door open. I want to talk to him. We can’t leave it this way.