Beautifully Destroyed

by Gracie Wilson

  “I don’t know how to date, I’ve never even had a friend. I don’t let people in or let them even touch me. It’s the way I’ve survived.” I can see my words are hurting him but they need to be said. “I can’t make any promises. Each step is a new one and they all have to be small.” He looks hopeful and that brings me the feelings I was wanting. “But I’m willing to try.”

  “I’m going to be the good guy. I don’t want you to think my intentions aren’t pure here. So I will be your friend.” His words make my heart sink. I try to keep my face straight and I know I’m failing miserably. “It’s not because I don’t want more. Trust me, that’s the farthest from the truth here, but I won’t rush this and risk screwing it up again.” I could just lean over and touch him but just the thought of contact is driving my heart into overdrive.

  “You challenge me, McAlister, I like that about you. Don’t back off too much, okay?”

  “Sometimes you have to push through the pain, right?” His eyes light up and I know he’s trying to figure out if that was just a coincidence. “Only then will you see the truth behind it.”

  “Fate…I know you don’t enjoy music. How?” he whispers to me.

  “I printed out all the lyrics. I read them, I didn’t listen. I’m just not there yet. That could never happen. I don’t know if I will get there. So I’m just not sure how this will work but…I’m willing to leave it all behind for a chance.”

  “Stop, please.” He looks as if he’s in so much pain and I worry that this may be a trigger for him similar to how touching is for me.

  “I’m sorry, I thought you’d be happy. I never meant to bring up anything to cause you such pain, Cameron.” I walk away and sit on the couch, putting my hands in my lap. Within a few seconds, he’s sitting next to me. I see him go to reach his hand to touch my leg, but he stops himself.

  “Fate, it isn’t a bad memory. You have no idea what it means that you put yourself through that shit to read my words. Then to hear you say them to me and not just reading them but using them as a direction for your life, well, that just breaks me. I will never push, but I want to comfort you and I just don’t know how.”

  “You want to touch me?”

  “Fate,” he says and I know he’s feeling my struggle.

  “Close your eyes, Cameron.” He shakes his head and tries to get up. I do the first thing I think of and place my hand on his leg to stop him. It does and he looks up into my eyes. I move my hand away and give him a small smile. “Close your eyes.”

  He slowly does what I ask and I feel his breath labor. Slowly, I bring my hand up and lightly place my hand against his cheek. His eyes pop open and I see him looking frantically at me to see if I’m handling this. “Cameron.” Bringing my thumb down, I trace his bottom lip and feel him shiver beneath my skin. Never have I been this bold but something in him brings this out in me. My hand rests against his check again and I slide my fingers against his soft skin. The warmth I’m feeling off of him is nothing I’ve felt before. It’s addicting. I see him raise his hand to overlap mine, but he stops. “Cameron, please.” He starts to put his hand down. “No, please…I want you to.” His eyes are staring into mine as if he’s checking for any hesitation.

  “Say it. Fate.” I feel…

  “Touch me,” I whisper. “Please.” I watch as he slowly brings his hand up and covers mine with his. There I am, waiting for it, but it doesn’t happen, I don’t flinch. I don’t feel like I’m going to break, I just feel him. “Nothing feels as good as being close to you.”

  “Dammit, I didn’t even know what that meant when I wrote it, not until now.” His words add further warmth to my body and I know this is progress. The smile that comes across my face as he caresses my hand with his feels amazing. Light, free from the pain. A moment that is my own. Our own, one that no one can take from us. “Baby steps.”

  “Baby steps,” I repeat.

  “I won’t give up on you, we are in this together.” He looks at me and I feel the connection click. Many years from now, I can say this was that moment I started to shed my walls and become Fate again. “I never meant these when I wrote them, but damn I do now.” My breath halts and I try to focus on the touch of him. “One life is what I choose, and I choose it with you.” When I read those lyrics, I felt drawn but having him read them to me is something I could have never imagined.

  Chapter Seven

  “Looks like we are going to have to order in,” Cameron says and I feel a sudden rush of happiness. That means more time with just Cameron and I don’t mind that at all. “Unless, do you need to go sleep?” His words remind me that I haven’t napped today and I will be extremely tired tomorrow. I just can’t bring myself to give up any time with him right now. “I know you don’t sleep at night. I won’t ask you why, but you are not the only one who watches people. I noticed a pattern and I want to work around those things so I don’t become a problem.”

  “You are not a problem. I would tell you if you were.”

  He glances at me and I can tell he’s struggling with how to approach something. “That’s the only way this is going to work, I need to know when to stop. Some way to know you’re struggling, so I can be sure I’m not adding to it. A code word or something to let me know I have to stop right away. So pick one.” He is putting me on the spot and I begin to feel uncomfortable.

  “Okay, if picking the code word makes me feel uncomfortable, how is this supposed to work?” I sigh and look at my hands.

  “Damn, let’s see. It’s not the idea of the word, right? It’s having to come up with one yourself.” Looking up at him, I give him a slight nod. “Got it, you don’t like being put on the spot. I will have to remember that. So I will pick one. Does that work better for you?” I give him a smile, letting him know that is exactly what I need. “Shit, now I have to come up with something. You’re right, this on the spot crap doesn’t work for anyone.” He makes me laugh. It is quickly becoming one of my favorite things about him. “Choose.”

  “What? No, you said you would,” I beg.

  “No, the code word is ‘choose.’ That way it’s easy enough to say in any situation, but only we know what it truly means.” Giving him my best ‘I’m lost look’ I hope he will enlighten me on this as I feel out of the loop. “One life is what I choose, and I choose it with you.”

  Quickly, I place my hand on his, which is currently situated on his lap. At first, he flinches and I worry that it wasn’t wanted, so I pull my hand away. “No,” he says, grabbing my hand and then letting go as he gasps. “I’m sorry, it was a pure instinct. I didn’t even think about it.” Taking my hand, I place it back on his.

  “This is all baby steps, remember? For both of us. I don’t expect you to remember everything and not slip up.” Slipping my thumb under his hand so we are connected, I continue, “This, your hand on my hand, I’m fine with. I can’t promise I won’t flinch if caught off guard, but I’m trying and I hope you will too. Push through the pain, right?”

  Bringing up his other hand to overlap mine, I wait for the warmth of his touch. It’s as if my body is craving it. I want more, but I know it’s too soon. If I move forward more than I’m ready, I could destroy all this progress. “Push through the pain,” he says, and I smile.

  “Tell me something I couldn’t find on the internet about you.” Cameron’s face breaks out into a grin.

  “Was someone looking into me while she wasn’t talking to me?” Oh crap, busted.

  “Well, I couldn’t get the information any other way. Honestly, there isn’t much about anything else except your music and the reasons you need to clean up your image. I just want to know something others don’t. I feel like the whole world could know as much about you as me.”

  “Fate, they see a personality. A rock star, not Cameron. Just a name, that’s all I am.” His words remind me of the difficulties I could encounter being around him.

  “Do we have to tell people?” I say shyly.

  “Tell people what?” he says
coyly with a giant smirk on his face.

  “About us, our friendship.”

  “Is it just a friendship?” No, it’s not, but I just don’t know how to say it. “I don’t think this will ever be just friendship. I think it’s always going to be a more. Are you okay with that?”

  “I do like the sound of it, I just worry about the public peace. They will expect me to be this rock star groupie girl and I don’t think I can play that part.” Hoping he understands me is all I can think about.

  “We don’t have to tell people, not yet, but it will come out one way or another. These things always do, but when it does, it will not be this crazy frenzy with it. I won’t let the spotlight hurt you. Fate, I never want you to play anything. I don’t want you to have to act the way you think you should. I just want you, fucked up and all, because that’s what you’re going to get with me…every flaw and weakness. But I trust you to help me and want to be around me anyways.” His words make me feel raw and by the looks of it, he is too. Slowly, I lower my head and put it on his shoulder. It feels nice to be comforted in such a way I am not used to.

  “Screw it, world, I’m here,” I say, thinking of my mom and all the happiness she gave me.

  “I’ve heard you say that before, never loud enough that I could be sure you were talking to me, but I have to ask. Where is that from?” I feel his fingers caressing my hand and it only furthers my need to be close to him. It’s not sexual, but comforting, a need to feel safe. One that has never been met since the day I lost my mother.

  “My mother said it. She died when I was nine. She was my best friend and I miss her every day.” His hand stills and I’m waiting for it. The pity, the reason I hate talking about my life.

  “My mom’s dead too. Fucking sucks, doesn’t it?” I can’t help but chuckle. Only Cameron would be able to make me laugh at a time like this. His personality and charm have a way of making me feel as if I’m not so screwed-up.

  “That sounds about right.”

  “Fate, you don’t swear, do you?” he says in a serious tone. All I do is shake my head. “Does it bother you that I do? I never thought to ask because it’s just something I do. To me it’s just a word, but if it bothers you I will try to put a cap on it.”

  “It’s not that I don’t swear, I just haven’t found a reason to. Besides, Clarissa would have been upset if I had. She was my worker at one time and she is a mom to me now, so I just never started. Kind of hard to get a vocabulary of swearing when your only friend is someone you look at as a mother.”

  “Worker?” he asks and I know this is a line of questioning I hate to answer.

  “She works in Child Welfare. After my mom was gone, I went into the system. She eventually got me out and took me in. I wouldn’t be where I am without Clarissa.”

  “What about your dad?” he asks, and I still.

  “He wasn’t up to the job, so Clarissa stepped in. I haven’t seen him in a long time. He could be dead for all I know.” I hope that’s enough. It’s mostly the truth. I haven’t seen him since a few months after my mom died and Clarissa did step in, but if he were dead she would’ve told me.

  “My dad is gone, left when my mom told him she was pregnant. Men are assholes.” He chuckles, and I can’t help but laugh with him.

  “You said it,” I say to him, and he bumps me with his shoulder playfully. It’s nice to have someone to talk with and joke with because I’ve never had that. I’m socially stunted, but I feel as if I’m finally coming along. “Do you have siblings?” He shakes his head. “Your mom couldn’t handle you, I guess. Why have another Cameron to turn the world to chaos?” I say playfully.

  “Hey, I didn’t hear you mention sibling, so I guess that could be said about you too, you little shit,” he says, and I stick out my tongue in response. “Thought so.” Putting my head back on his shoulder, I lean back into the couch, thinking about all the ways this could play out. How will Clarissa react when I tell her about my feelings for Cameron? How will he react when he knows how hard I’m already falling for his bad boy charm and the beauty that is within him? He’s a tortured soul, destroyed same as me. Maybe together we can build each other back up.

  “I don’t know what I did to get such an amazing roommate,” I say because even without my feelings for him, he is still understanding of my limitations and an amazing friend.

  “Fate.”

  “Yea?” I ask him.

  “No, it was fate. That’s the only way I see this coming together for us. My own little piece of fate with a name to match.” His words warm my heart. “I want to try something. Can you try and trust me?” Cameron says while never taking his eyes off mine. “Baby steps, I promise. If it’s too much I won’t try again.” All I can do is nod. “Could you close your eyes?”

  “I can’t…” I say in a panic and my eyes are now glued to the floor.

  “Hey…hey, look at me.” I do and his eyes connect with mine. “Don’t let shit like that worry you, if you can’t do it, we don’t do it. Together we find a way to work through it or we don’t do it. It’s as easy as that, okay?” I nod. “Are you ready?”

  “Ready as I will ever be.” It’s as if it all happens in slow motion. I see him bringing my hand up and I wait for the panic to set in. Slowly, he lowers his lips to the top of my hand while closing his eyes and softly kissing my hand. The heat from his lips touching my skin makes my body want to squirm, but in a whole new way.

  I don’t panic, the only thing I feel is our connection growing and every part of me can’t wait to see what our next baby steps are.

  Chapter Eight

  Cameron

  “So, who is she?”

  “Sorry, what?” I say to Scott and try to figure out where I got lost in this conversation. I know we were talking about some new music I was working on, but then I got lost in thought. Scott was working the beats for the song and my mind just wandered off to where it has been going a lot lately. Fate. “You were talking about your drums?” He shakes his head and chuckles. “Cecilia?” Hopefully, he was talking about his girlfriend.

  “Man, who the hell is she? What girl has you so wrapped up that you aren’t out with ladies and I’m not having to clean up your messes? Whoever she is I need to thank her. I’m actually getting shit done.”

  “Fate.”

  “What’s fate?” Scott questions.

  “That’s her name, fucker. Fate is everything a man wants and she’s damn near perfect too,” I say with a goofy ass smile on my face. Lately, I have been unable to keep this lovesick puppy feeling from shining through. It’s a damn neon sign above me pointing it out.

  “So what’s got your head in the clouds? Need to rush off and put your head in something else?” Scott says and I slam my hands against the table, startling him. “What the hell, man?”

  “Do not go there, I’m warning you. This isn’t about getting a piece of ass. I haven’t even kissed her unless you count her hand.”

  “You don’t have to kiss her to get some, you taught me that,” he says with a wink, and I want to drop him right here with everyone watching. Instead of beating the hell out of my best friend, I just shake my head and give him a warning look. “Wow, all right then. So this is serious for you. So tell me about Fate. I have to hear how near perfect she really is and she must be to have you this riled up.”

  “That’s just it. She is perfect to me in every way, but unfortunately she is destroyed in so many other ways.” Scott just looks at me as if he’s not getting what I’m trying to say. “She’s beautiful and she doesn’t even fucking know that shit. She just thinks she is invisible to the world and let me tell you she isn’t. But the rest of the female population has been to me after she ripped me a new one for screwing the neighbor.”

  “You screwed the damn neighbor and she caught you? Well, she must be an angel to keep talking to you.” Scott never lets shit slide, not if he thinks it’s just me being stupid. Which until meeting Fate was a lot. He was always cleaning up my image.

>   “Ya. Well, they share a wall and she heard me banging the girl’s headboard off the wall. Then she got all sassy and banged on the wall, yelling at us. I was completely loaded and I made the girl say my name. That way she knew it was me on the other side.”

  “You did not do that.” He’s shocked and I’ve done some pretty awful things in the past. “What the hell were you thinking? This is your roommate. You can’t swap her out, and you tried to piss her off the first night. Why would you do that?”

  “I was thinking I didn’t appreciate that she looked me up then assumed I was everything she read. You know how I feel about being judged.” This isn’t a new thing for me. When people prejudge me I either find a way to prove them wrong or in Fate’s case do exactly what is expected. Never has that shit backfired on me and been thrown in my face before. “Then I walked in drunk out of my mind and she handed me my ass. It was the best and worst thing ever. She didn’t talk to me for weeks.” Scott just gives me a look as if he’s saying, ‘and you blame her?’ “I finally got her to talk to me and cleared the air. We seem to be hitting it off, but I just never know with this girl, she always has me guessing. Someone fucked with her, Scott, someone ripped her up and I’m not sure how to put her back together again.”

  “Man, if she’s that damaged, why are you going there? Move on, be friends since you have to live with her but just move on,” Scott says and I just know I’m past that shit being an option.

  “No one can beat this girl. I’m telling you, as shattered as she is, there isn’t anyone else that could make me take my eyes off her,” I say truthfully, not caring what kind of loser this makes me sound like to him.