Gently, I place my hand over his. “I’m real and you’re stuck with me until the end of the school year.”
“I’m hoping forever,” he says and for once, I don’t feel like that’s impossible.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Continuing to tug on the dress, Cameron just grabs my hands to distract me. His touch does that and now that he’s caught on, he uses it. Especially when he can feel me stressing about things. Clarissa had come out for a few days during the Christmas holidays but had to leave yesterday on Christmas Eve. She had offered to work so some of the others with small children could stay home. Even on Christmas, she still has to go out and protect kids. It’s sad that some holidays aren’t filled with happiness.
So here I stand in front of Scott’s parents’ house, getting ready to meet the closest thing to parents my boyfriend has. Yes, I’ve started using that term and I have to admit it’s grown on me. I’ve put a stop to him not touching me in public. If we do it at home, he can do it out here. When we walk in, there is a cheer from the family who is sitting around in what looks to be the living room. It is enormous. Seriously, I think it’s the size of Clarissa’s entire main floor of her house, and it’s just one room.
Before I know what is happening, I’m being pulled from Cameron and hugged tightly by a woman in her mid-fifties. I can see Cameron’s face and it has got panic written all over it. “Mom, I told you not to,” Scott says and his mom lets go immediately.
“Oh, I forgot. I am so sorry. I am just so excited to finally meet you. The boys talk about you often and, well, Cecilia is always going on about you as well. I just feel like I already know you. I’m sorry, dear.” She looks so disturbed by her actions, but I can say I didn’t flinch.
“Actually, it’s okay,” I say, and Cameron looks at me as if he doesn’t believe me. “No, really, I’m not sure what they’ve said, but if Scott told you about touching, then you know enough. I’ve been working on it and I’m doing much better,” I say, and Cameron gives me an unsure look. I mouth the word ‘therapy’ to him, and he nods. I’ve been seeing a victim’s councilor here and I have to say it’s been so helpful. She’s been teaching me it’s not about the touch but the intent behind it that usually sets me off. When I’m unsure of the person, I panic without thinking. So, instead, I need to drill it into my head until they give me a reason to feel that way, to just kind of roll with it.
“Well then,” Terry says as she comes in for another hug, and I close my eyes. It’s nice to not have the panic issues. I’m not saying it will never happen again but as long as I am covered, and it’s my hands only, I seem to be making great progress. Or so says my counselor and she’s the expert, right? When I open my eyes, I see Cameron watching me with an expression of awe.
After introductions I find out that Scott’s dad is named Lawrence. He’s a shy man and he seems to keep to himself. Scott’s mother is another story. From the hug, her love only continues as she dotes on me the entire time. Cameron just continues to sit back and watch with an odd look on his face. The family tells stories and I get to see a different side of Cameron. Here he is carefree and I usually only see that when he’s with me at home. I like knowing that he has somewhere else he can be this way too.
After dinner, the family exchanges Christmas presents and I am shocked that they all thought to get me something. I haven’t been around more than Clarissa for the last eight years and I find it overwhelming, but I feel the change within me too. Finally, I’m starting to feel whole again. Normal again without an impending doom and that is because of the strength Cameron gives me.
We finally make it back to the apartment and relax. I’m beginning to feel the stress of our first Christmas together. Did I make the right choice of a gift? Worst of all, I worry that he will hate it or not understand my sentiment.
My mind is thinking of how this could be a moment for us. Special and new, moments to mask my nightmares. “Cameron, could we do this in your room?” I say, pointing to the gifts. He gives me an odd, confused look but nods his head. I tell him I’m going to get in pajamas and meet him in there. Once I’m into my kitty pajamas that he adores so much, I make my way to his room. He is sitting in his desk chair, waiting for me. Climbing onto his bed, I make myself comfortable and pat the spot next to me. He slowly approaches, making sure not to touch me but does sit next to me.
“I was thinking instead of the couch tonight we could try sleeping in here. I’m sure that couch isn’t doing wonders for your back.” I try to joke because he just looks uncomfortable with what I just said.
“Fate,” he says with a deep breath. “I’m fine where we are. I don’t need to be in the bed. I just need to be with you,” he says and my soul ignites with affection for this man, who continues to amaze me every day.
“I’m not. I need a baby step,” I say with a pouty face, hoping it will work.
“What if you can’t? What if you have nightmares?” he questions. Time to put it all out there for me.
“If I can’t I will go back to the couch and I know you will follow. If I have a nightmare, I know that you are here with me to keep me safe. That no matter what, you won’t let anything happen to me. As long as I have you, I think I can do that. You give me that. You take away those memories and fill them with ones of affection and trust. My boyfriend makes all that pain go away.” I see that admiration in his eyes with my words and I mean them all.
“How can I argue with all that?” he says coyly.
“You can’t, now open your present,” I say cheerfully, but then nerves sneak up.
Handing him the box, I’m not sure how I feel about the gift now. When I had put them together, I was trying to think of what to give a person who has everything. So I did this. When he opens the box and sees them, his face turns to shock and I’m not sure what to take from that. Is that a good sign?
“Fate, when did you have time to do this?” he asks and I know he’s trying to think of times I snuck off. Honestly, the only time was when he was in class and I wasn’t, or he was at band practice.
“I wanted to give you something that could hold your two passions,” I say, using his words about being passionate about me and then music, in that order. So I made these. I designed six notebooks for only Cameron to use. On the front, I had Ten Ways Gone written in different dark colors everywhere with a picture of their stage set up behind it. When he opened them, he saw what I had written inside. There were also pictures of us on the inside at various times these last five months.
“Touched by Fate,” he reads the words and my heart stills.
“I thought you could use it to work on music. A piece of me that is with your music unconditionally.”
“I was wrong. This was exactly what I needed and you knew it without me knowing. How do you do that? It’s like you can see into me. You know when I need this.” He touches my bare shoulder. “When I need this.” He leans in, pressing his lips against mine. I’m finding it hard to break away every time we start this now. My body craves more. “But most of all this,” he says as he slowly pulls his shirt off and exposes his chest.
“Oh my God.” Looking at him, I can’t believe it. Bringing my fingers to his chest, I trace along the lines, and he shivers under my touch. “Cameron.” Gently, he places his hand over mine.
“No Judgment, Only Fate.” He reads the words that are tattooed on him but the addition of ‘Only Fate’ brings tears streaming down my face. “I love you, Fate.” His hand opens and a gold heart pendant is hanging from it. I put my hand out to touch it and it turns, showing me the engraving.
“Choose,” I say, trying to stop the overwhelming feeling of his love that has come over me. I have to push back the negative feelings my body has but it’s getting easier each time. He makes it easy to be with him. To choose him, I won’t ever choose anyone else. In this moment I feel everything people tell you about, when they know they’ve found that someone special. The trust, the joy, it’s endless. “Cameron. I don’t know what to say.”<
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“You don’t have to say anything. I know what you’re feeling because I feel it too. Our life is just beginning, but now it’s finally written somewhere. Where it belongs, right over my heart,” he says, taking my hand in his and placing it over his heart. “Now you can carry my heart and our word with you too.” Some moments are those of a lifetime of emotions. This moment is one for me. “Because you have it, Fate. It’s yours.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
The last month has been a whirlwind. The holidays are done and getting back into school was a bit of a headache, but Cameron was in some of my classes and that made it easier. We have put a stop to everything when it comes to my hiding. It was hard, but I’ve started coming out of my shell and Cameron is the reason for that. He knows when to push and when to let it go. We only had one incident where things had a bump during that whole month. Someone from the media started looking around and I had to argue with him to let it go. There were lots of things going on, the band had a new bassist. The talk of a tour was now no longer just talk. It was happening. Trisha was trying to sway the media saying they were together and such. He never refuted it, but I didn’t need him too. I had him with me every night and I reminded him of that option.
Everything was returning to normal until we ran into Dex off campus. Luckily, I was able to distract Cameron. He was infuriated, but like he does for me, I was able to ground him. That control made me feel warm, as if it isn’t just me who is consumed by the sheer need of him. He feels that too. However, from that moment, he was different, distant for some reason and I felt disconnected to what had become my life support.
“What’s wrong, Cameron?”
He doesn’t say anything at first and I feel him drifting. Moments between us play in my head.
“Tell me what you’re feeling.”
“I can only get in those walls if you let me.”
Trying to live up to the promise I have made to be more transparent, I do as he’s asked. “I feel something happened back there. I can’t break through your walls either, you know, you’re hiding. Like you are pulling away from me for some reason and that frightens me more than I’d care to admit,” I say truthfully. His whole demeanor changes and my old Cameron is back.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to push you out of my head.” My hand goes to his chest and his hand finds my face. “I don’t like when you see me that way,” he says with such pain in his voice. “I worry that something might happen and you may be caught in the crossfire.”
“You would never hurt me, Cameron. I know that. I wouldn’t be where I am with you if I thought you could.” This man doesn’t trust himself very much and that hurts my heart. Those actions with his mom have tainted him just like my past has done to me. “You can’t save everyone,” I say, because I think this is more than just about what he is saying.
He looks torn, but worst, defeated. “But I will save you.”
“Cameron, I don’t need you to save me. I need you to be there for me. Help me, guide me, and care for me. It’s not your job to save me.” I don’t ever want him to feel as if I’m this girl who needs a hero even if it might be true. The guilt if something were to happen to us, or me, would eat at him.
“My job is to take care of you. Saving you included.” His words are firm. I know he doesn’t want to argue, so I try a different approach.
“Can’t we save each other then?” Looking into my eyes, I know he is hearing my plea. At some point, we need to do this together and I’m hoping he will now see that I’m as breakable as that girl he met on the first day.
“That sounds amazing, actually,” he says, and I know I’ve won him over with my words, but he becomes serious again.
“Fate. I need you to promise me something.”
“Anything,” I say without thinking. Nothing comes to mind that I wouldn’t be able to promise this man.
“If you ever find yourself in a situation with me like when I went after Dex, I need you to stay back.” My heart sinks because when this went down all I could think about was getting to him.
“But if something like that happens the only thing that makes it better is you.”
“You have no fricking idea what that does to me. To know you are taking those damn walls down brick by brick, not just for you but for me.”
“You don’t get lost in my darkness,” I say truthfully because he doesn’t. Maybe because he doesn’t know all the facts, but my history doesn’t taint him the way it has others in my life.
“I will always find you,” Cameron declares.
“I promise that I will not intentionally put myself in danger, but I won’t make a promise I can’t keep. When things like that happen, my body, my heart, goes to where it feels safe. That will always be you.” He is shocked by my response.
“That’s all I can ever ask of you. I can’t say I don’t understand because nothing feels better in times of pure shit than having you in my arms.” He pulls me to him and embraces me tightly. Moving my hair to the side with his finger, he bends down, whispering in my ear. “Sometimes my rage can blind me. Especially when it comes to someone hurting you. In that moment, stay back. Get Scott. Don’t get close. I would never hurt you on purpose, but that doesn’t mean the other person wouldn’t. If something happened to you I’d be done. There’d be no coming back for me. My fate would be over.” Tears fall from my eyes at his love.
“Cameron, you really are too good to be true,” I whisper back to him. “Never leave,” I say, showing all my vulnerabilities.
“That will never fucking happen, babe. I would have to be dead to be away from you and even then I’d be with you.” This man is far too beautiful for a girl like me. Not just physically. No one can ever tell me this man is not the most amazing person I have ever met. He always puts me above him. He is tender and takes joy in our baby steps. Thinking of a world without that is something I too could not handle.
“Don’t say that. I can’t think about something happening to you. It hurts my heart. We are just going to have a beautiful life, McAlister,” I say, trying to lighten the mood.
“McKenzie, I know we will.” Nothing sounds better than a life with Cameron.
We decide to get some studying in while we still have time. After an hour, I’m already over it. I can’t absorb anything else. That happens sometimes when he is so close. Looking at my phone, I remember. Crap.
“Can I use your phone? Mine is dead and I forgot to call Clarissa,” I ask because I know she’s going to be upset. This isn’t the first time our moments have led me to forgetting to call her. I can’t help it. Cameron takes me away from this world. Into our own little one where I feel safe.
“Sure, it’s in my room. I’m going to take a shower. Tell Clarissa I said hello and not to work so hard,” he says jokingly, and I laugh too, telling him I will.
Clarissa isn’t as annoyed as I thought she would be. She says she was out with friends, but I think she might have met someone and just doesn’t want to tell me yet. I don’t want her to be alone. She deserves to be happy and feel all of what I feel with Cameron. She starts telling me she has found a new house that she has fallen in love with.
“You will love it. I can’t wait for you to see your room.” Looking around Cameron’s room, I feel like I’m in my room already. Sleeping in here with him has become a nightly routine for me. I’ve had no issues and he’s continuously telling me we can take back steps if we need to. That’s not going to happen. I can’t explain the happiness I feel when I’m lying with him at night.
Something catches my eye and I see one of the notebooks I made him for Christmas sitting out. I can’t help but turn the page and when I do my mouth drops open at all the scribbling of lyrics. They all surround one thing, though. Me. My name is written all over the page.
Fate took me down.
Now is her time to finally shine.
She broke in and opened my world
I can finally show the world what is mine
She gave me
forever in a day
She takes all that darkness and pain away
Love isn’t her word but she shows
I know come what may
All will be okay
Because of forever in a day
My heart stops. Clarissa is still talking, but I don’t know what about. Written in front of me is a song. A song about me, about our Forever in a day, something I thought were just words. Moments when he said things to make me feel better. Yet here they are, being written so he can share his thoughts with the world through his second passion. Showing them his ultimate one.
“Clarissa. I have to go.” I won’t tell him I saw this, but I have this overwhelming urge to touch him, to be with him. No more holding back.
“Okay, honey, call me in a few days. I love you.” Clarissa is gone, and I go to hang up, but there is a message waiting and I accidentally open it while trying to disconnect the call.
“Oh no.” The message that just came through on Cameron’s phone is from Trisha. It’s a picture of her and she is wearing a see-through lingerie outfit with the words ‘see you soon’ written under it. I feel like I’m going to puke.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Cameron
When I walk into my room and see her staring at the phone, I panic. She is as white as a ghost and I’m scared something has happened to make her so fearful. When she sees me she smiles but something is wrong with it. It’s all fake and shit. Not like the Fate I get to see in our home. She’s as real as I am, but the girl in front of me isn’t just hiding. She’s getting ready to run.
“What’s going on?” I ask her, and she just shakes her head. Looking at my room, I see my notebook is there. Maybe that’s what got to her. She saw something in there she wasn’t ready to hear. But the way she continues to look to the phone I feel as if I’m losing a battle I didn’t even know I was in.
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