Just Sex

by Kristen Flowers

  I didn’t want to give myself false hope, though. Even if she had real feelings for me, she was dead set on ignoring them. It was pointless. I reached the park bench I usually sat at and plopped down. I looked straight ahead, unfocused until someone crossed my path.

  A loving couple walked right in front of me. The pregnant woman rubbed her belly as she listened to what the man beside her was saying. They looked content.

  The fiery feeling burning in my stomach traveled to my chest.

  None of it made sense.

  I didn’t even know what time it was. I had no clue how fast I had gotten there or how long I had waited, but by the time Tina got to the bar, I was on my third drink.

  “Maybe you should slow down a bit, Mandy.”

  “Can’t,” I burped before slurping down the rest of my drink. I quickly flagged down the bartender, “Another, please?” He eyed me and then looked at Tina before nodding. I rolled my eyes. “Great. Just what I need. Another man helping me. It’s not like I’m some damsel in distress.”

  I wasn’t sure if the bartender ignored me or hadn’t heard what I said, but I didn’t care. He slid the glass over to me. I grabbed it and quickly took a long sip. I turned to look at Tina, who was watching me with worry written across her face.

  “Mandy, what’s up?”

  “Men just have to fuck everything up, don’t they? Why, Tee?”

  Tina frowned and gave a single shrug of her shoulders before pressing her hand into my arm comfortingly. I sighed and raised the glass to my lips. I paused, staring at the bartender mixing a martini for someone down at the other end of the bar. I waited patiently until he looked over at me and motioned for him to come. He wiped his hands on the little towel hanging from his belt and walked over.

  “If you had the perfect fuck buddy with a hot, fun girl would you mess it up with feelings?”

  “Uh,” the bartender said dumbly, obviously taken aback by my question.

  “Ah, pointless,” I said as I waved him away.

  I turned to Tina just in time to see her looking at the bartender apologetically. I groaned in frustration and glared at my best friend. She turned her attention back to me and looked at me with question marks in her eyes, although the worry was still written all over her face. I never got unglued like this. The last time I really lost it after a break up was before coming to New York, but even that was different. It had felt different.

  “And this wasn’t even a real damn breakup,” I muttered under my breath.

  “Amanda, what are you talking about? You have to give me something to work with here.”

  “Ugh… Fine. It’s Ethan. He fucked it all up.”

  “Yes, well, that much I gathered. How did he fuck everything up? What did he do?”

  I felt my face burning. I turned to look at her and then promptly looked away. I suddenly felt embarrassed to tell her the story. He confessed his feelings for me. What the hell was that about? I still couldn’t believe it. Of all the ways it could have ended with him, that was not one I considered a possibility.

  “You know that big audition I got? Ethan set it up.”

  Tina’s eyes lit up in surprise.

  “Exactly,” I said, finally feeling like someone understood me. I had a reason to be angry.

  “Let me get this straight. You’re pissed because he did something nice and got you an awesome audition you really wanted? Do you realize how crazy that sounds, Mandy?”

  My heart dropped along with my jaw.

  “Oh, not you too! He also acted all flabbergasted. Come on, Tee. We were supposed to be together for one thing and one thing only. Why is he going around helping me land auditions? If I recall correctly, I didn’t hook up with him as my talent agent.”

  Tina let out a long breath, “Even if that’s the case, it doesn’t stop it from being a genuinely nice thing to do. I’m sure he just wanted to–”

  “Make me happy? Yeah, that’s exactly what he said.”

  “And that’s a problem because…”

  “Because that brings feelings into the mix, Tee! He muddied everything up. If we start caring about the other being happy and helping each other out, it’s no longer ‘just sex’. It screws with the whole arrangement!”

  “I have to say, I never thought you’d end up so jaded to the point where you’d actually get pissed at a guy for something like this.”

  I stayed quiet and took a sip of my drink; then another. Maybe she was right. Maybe I was overacting, but I was terrified of getting hurt again.

  “Tee, we were just–”

  “I know, I know. Friends with benefits. But I have a question for you, Mandy.”

  “What?” I did nothing to hide my frustration.

  “The whole time you’ve been meeting up with him, has it really been strictly sex? Because from the things you’ve told me here and there you two have gotten to know each other an awful lot. That sounds like a lot more than just ‘friends with benefits’ to me.”

  I stayed quiet for a moment until I remembered Lee. I smiled triumphantly, “Well, you got to know Lee. So does that mean you are more than that?”

  Tina shook her head vehemently, “I’m not even hooking up with Lee anymore but that’s beside the point. I got to know him, sure, but it was all superficial stuff. We never talked about out childhoods or life experiences. We never talked about my career. None of that stuff ever came up.”

  I opened my mouth to respond, but promptly shut it. I turned away from her again, fuming that I had been shut down like that. As much as I hated to admit it, she had a point. Ethan talked a lot about very personal things and even admitted they were things he never opened up to anyone else about. I told him personal things, too. I listened to everything he said and we even shared an intimate night together. That night felt different.

  That night it wasn’t ‘just sex’.

  “Still. You don’t even know what he did. It wasn’t just the audition.”

  “What other wonderful thing did he do to piss you off, Mandy?”

  I glared at her, but went on anyway, “He confessed Tee. He actually confessed to having real feelings for me. So, I told him off, ended the arrangement, and left.”

  “Wow,” Tina said, but she sounded disappointed.

  “Are- are you actually disappointed, Tee?”

  “Yes, I am. Mandy, come on. This guy didn’t start off as the nice guy trying to be perfect just to get into your pants. He started off as the douche who relied on his money and good looks to get what he wanted. He started off with unlimited access inside your pants and then he turned out to actually be the nice guy. Doesn’t that tell you something?”

  “It tells me that men aren’t just pigs, they’re also stupid.”

  “Mandy!”

  “What? Come on. He had the dream relationship going. We had great sex, never talked on the phone or messaged each other, only talked if we wanted to when we met up… It was all fun and easy. Why would he want to ruin that? Because he’s stupid.”

  “Or because he really fell for you.”

  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. This was even more unbelievable than when I had gotten the call for the audition. The only thing that topped this was hearing the damn confession come from Ethan’s lips earlier that day. I rubbed my temples and shut my eyes. It was all too much to take in. I couldn’t believe Tina was actually on his side.

  “Mandy, come on.”

  “No, Tee, you come on. You’re the one who came up with the pact, to begin with, and now you’re coming up with this?”

  “Think about it, Mandy. Think about all of it. Really consider everything I’ve just told you despite the fact that I came up with the stupid, pointless pact to begin with.”

  I looked back over at the bartender and watched him pour a drink to a smiling couple at the end of the bar. I repeated everything Tina had said throughout the entire conversation and thought about what she was saying. Deep down I knew she was right. I remembered standing in Ethan’s office earlier th
at day and feeling hot tears well up in my eyes. I hated this feeling. It was all so confusing and I wanted none of it. I had signed up for our stupid arrangement to avoid all of this and it only ended up worse.

  “I’m too afraid of getting hurt again,” I finally muttered. “I just can’t.”

  I felt Tina press her hand into my arm again as she assured me, “Yes you can, Mandy. You can.”

  “Tina, you know how it is with men. I don’t want to put myself out there like that again.” I choked back the tears as I thought about everything that had happened to me before. I thought about the gross feeling of helplessness when my boyfriend broke up with me in Ohio. I thought about all the men in my life that had said those simple little words ‘this isn’t going to work’. Every time it happened a tiny piece of my heart chipped away.

  “But, Mandy, when love happens you just have to go for it.”

  I looked at Tina skeptically. It suddenly became clear to me that something was going on. Tine was…different.

  “Why has there been such a drastic change of heart with you? Not too long ago you were all gung-ho about no relationships. Now this?”

  Tina looked down at the bar and took a deep breath in.

  “The truth is that I’m, uh,” she paused and took a deep breath in, “I’m in a relationship, Mandy.” All I could do was look at her in shock.

  “You’re what!”

  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. It wasn’t only because of the pact we made together, but because my best friend had managed to keep this a secret from me. A part of me even felt hurt. Even my best friend had broken an agreement.

  “Wait… It’s not Lee, is it?”

  “Oh my gosh, no! Lee was a lot of fun and we ended on good terms. It’s not him. It’s someone else I met. We went on a couple dates and now, well, he’s mine...”

  “I can’t believe it,” I said before shoving Tina playfully, “But what’s even more unbelievable is that you didn’t tell me sooner.” I made sure there was just enough hurt in my voice to be noticed, but not to make a big fuss of things.

  “Well, I just wanted to be sure. Plus, we had made that pact and everything… I don’t know. I just wasn’t ready. The point is, I gave in. I didn’t fight love when it happened. And you shouldn’t either, Mandy. You should pursue things with Ethan. I honestly think you should.”

  I shook my head. The words coming out of Tina’s mouth were totally out of this world. She had just dropped a bomb and now she was encouraging me to get into a relationship. She wanted me to go after Ethan, the rich playboy who cut my nose open the moment I met him. He was trouble from the start. None of it made any sense.

  “You know, he’s actually stopping by to pick me up and I’d love it for you to meet him,” Tina said unsurely.

  “Tee, of course, I’ll meet him. How else will I know who to hurt if you come home in tears?”

  She laughed and pulled her phone out of her pocket to message him. She set the phone on the bar and looked back up at me with a huge grin. I could tell a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. She had probably been waiting to tell me forever. I knew her well enough to know that she wanted to hear something about going after Ethan. She wanted me to give in and admit I was wrong.

  I wasn’t ready for any of that.

  “Let’s order some fries while he gets here,” I suggested.

  The two of us split an order of fries and I switched to soda. I already had more than enough alcohol for the night. It was a wonder I didn’t feel dizzy.

  “Maybe your anger soaked up all the liquor,” Tina joked.

  “I wouldn’t doubt it,” I said somewhat bitterly before shoving the last fry in my mouth. I gulped down the last of my soda and wiped off with a napkin. Tina’s phone lit up with a new message.

  A huge grin spread across her face, “He’s here.” She looked positively happy. A small part of me hurt inside. Maybe I was jealous? But I was still happy for her.

  The two of us made our way toward the door. Before we walked out Tina grabbed my arm and pulled me aside. “Please Mandy, just think about everything I said.” She looked at me with concern written all over her face. “You’ve gotten so jaded with love and relationships I’d hate to see you pass up a good thing.”

  I glanced down to the ground and held back a few tears trying to spill down my cheeks. I looked back up at her with a weak smile, “I’ll give it some thought.” She gave me a warm smile before pulling my hand back toward the door.

  We walked outside to see a tall, handsome young man standing in front of a cab. He smiled widely the moment his eyes landed on Tina. I turned just in time to see her face light up like a Christmas tree.

  “Amanda, this is Joseph.”

  He stuck out his hand and greeted me, “It’s great to finally meet you. I think it goes without saying that I’ve heard a lot about you.”

  “All good things, I hope.”

  “Hm, maybe not all good but definitely all interesting!” He laughed and shook his head, “I’m joking. Tina absolutely loves you and from what she’s said, I’m sure you love her too. It’s really awesome that you two have such a close bond.”

  “Yeah,” was all I could muster for the moment. I was normally much better at meeting new people, especially when they were important to Tina, but my mind was totally overloaded for the day. “Sorry, I’ve had a rough day so I’m a little out of it.”

  “Oh, no problem. I’m sorry to hear that, though. I hope it gets better.” He turned to look at Tina, “We can always meet up later or tomorrow. I don’t mind.”

  I turned to look at Tina. It was obvious how smitten she was by him. “No, there’s no need. That’s really nice of you, but it’s okay. Really. You two go along.” I said with a genuine smile. There was no use for Tina to be around my misery.

  “Mandy, are you sure?”

  “100 percent!”

  Tina gave me a tight hug. I could tell she wanted to whisper something in my ear about Ethan, but she held back. She had already said enough. I said goodbye to Joseph and turned to walk toward the corner. I looked over my shoulder for a moment and saw them share a long kiss before they get into the cab together to drive away. I couldn’t remember the last time I saw Tina like that. I wasn’t even sure if I had ever seen her that giddy and happy.

  I pulled my sweater tightly around my body and clutched my purse as I started walking toward the subway. On the walk, I tried to clear my mind. I knew Tina was right. I probably overacted about the whole thing. But I couldn’t help myself, all I could think about was the million different breakups I had gone through with a million different boyfriends. The last thing I wanted to do was feel that pain again. Somehow, even though I wasn’t in a relationship with Ethan, I still felt the pain I was trying to run away from.

  As I walked down the stairs of the subway, the image of a grinning Tina with her love-struck eyes kept flashing in my mind.

  I took my seat on the subway and crossed my ankles as I thought about the kiss Tina and Joseph shared before getting into the cab. It was quick and subtle, but there was no denying the connection between them. My chest tightened. I felt tears threaten to fall from my eyes for the second time that day. Tina had looked so happy. My hands clutched into tiny little fists as I fought the urge to cry. In that moment, I was coming to terms with my future.

  I was never going to be that happy with someone.

  And that realization hurt more than anything.

  I was so lost in thought, trying to imagine my future life alone and single, that I almost missed my stop. I quickly got off the subway and made my way up onto the street. The night air had gotten a little colder and the full moon lined up perfectly with the street I was crossing.

  Just as I was about to cross the street an older man stood next to me and held out something in his hand. He looked homeless and unkempt. He was using a PVC pipe with a messy ball of duct tape on each end as a walking stick. He startled me out of my thoughts as I looked down at his hand and back up at
him. It was a fortune cookie. He nodded, gesturing I should take it. I picked it up delicately out of the palm of his hand and smiled.

  “Thank you, sir.” I said, trying to remain cordial as I started to make my way across the street.

  He didn’t say anything. I clutched the cookie in my hand and stepped out onto the street. As soon as my foot stepped off the sidewalk the man called out to me.

  “Don’t let love pass you by my dear. You might not get a second chance!”

  I looked at him in shock just as he turned around and started to limp down the street away from me. A honking taxi startled me and reminded me that I was standing in the middle of the road so I scurried across the street and looked down at the fortune cookie in my hand. I originally planned on just throwing it away, but now I was curious.