Dirty

by HJ Bellus

  I shake my head, not ready to talk about it or even offer any of my feelings because I’ve never digested emotions or feelings like this and quite frankly, I don’t know how to fucking handle it.

  “Rhett’s over here bragging about how you guys killed that other team and everyone seems to be in a good mood except for you, Zane.”

  “I’m fine. Actually, I’m better than fine.”

  I rise from the seat and turn around to tell grandpa I’ll go grab a beer and be right back. As soon as I enter the house, Ava scurries from it once again with an arm full of presents, still not making eye contact and I know it’s because she is afraid of the storm I’m about to lay on her. Making my way back to my bedroom, I take a quick shower, toss on some loose shorts and a T-shirt. My clothes are washed and folded thanks to Ava, something they’ve never been

  I show back up on the patio with two beers in hand. Ava has her back to me at the grill flipping steaks and after handing Grandpa his beer, I go over to her. She doesn’t turn around when I set my beer down on the cooking station next to her and I know she sees my hand and my beer go down.

  I feel her body stiffen without even touching her and it makes me feel like the biggest asshole in this world. She was expecting me to kick her out, throw a huge ass fit, or even me going off on one of my tirades. I slowly run my hands around her middle and pull her back to me just enough so I can feel her pressed up against my body.

  She ignores it all, tending to the steaks salting them with a final shot of seasonings. I dip my head low, rubbing my lips against her ear lobe and take in her scent and everything she is to me before speaking.

  “Thank you, Ava.” I lower my lips, nuzzling into her and placing kisses down her jawline and back up.

  “I don’t know how I could ever thank you enough for what you’ve done for my family Ava, just know it means the world to me and so do you.”

  Tears fall onto my forearms that are holding her close to me and I know she’s heard my words. She mumbles out a phrase and I don’t quite make it out and ask her to repeat herself.

  “I thought you were mad. I know I should have come to you first and asked, but I didn’t want you to say no.”

  “Ava, I’m not mad. I wasn’t even pissed when you were telling the whole story. I was blown away with shock. I’m not running, I’m not scared, though all I am right now is madly in love with you and everything you stand for.”

  She spins around in my arms and buries into my chest. I still feel her tears running and all I can do is rub circles on her back, squeeze her a little tighter, and let her know that I’m here, not running, and love her more than anything else in this world.

  It hasn’t escaped me that I’ll be watching my grandpa take his last breath in a few short months or hell even a few short days, but with her here showing me and teaching me how to love and loving me back has made the world of difference.

  I know it won’t be easy when he takes his last dying breath on this Earth and will do everything but completely destroy me, but in some weird sense I know it will be all right because of her. Ava will make it easier to dig up the soil where his body will be laid to rest, she’ll shine beauty onto his headstone, and hold my hand through the pain.

  “I thought you were going to tell me to leave.” She keeps her head tucked when she talks and her little sobs wrack out between every other word.

  “I started packing my bags knowing that I’ve crossed the line and you’d never forgive me. Please know Zane, I’d do anything to make you happy. You are so worth it.”

  “Maybe, but it’s my birthday. And I’m ready to celebrate it with you and my family.”

  I let Ava remain wrapped around me with her face buried in my chest, I feel her tears began to dry up and her breathing evens out again and I know she’s calming herself down. I continue rubbing her back and alternate, pulling my hand through her hair, giving her all the time she needs. It’s the least I can do after what she’s done for me and my grandpa.

  “Ava, I’m not used to other people taking care of me. It’s something I’m learning to accept thanks to you, and not to mention you having me beating the rich kids’ asses in baseball.”

  Ava looks up to me with her tears all dried up and a slight grin shining on her face.

  “And I made a birthday cake for you, so that’s pretty much girlfriend bonus points for eternity.”

  “Do I get to eat it off your body?” I waggle my eyebrows up and down, suddenly feeling playful. I’m thinking it’s the effect of my breakfast she served me this morning.

  “It’s your only option considering I ran out of birth control yesterday.”

  “Are you fucking kidding me right now? Jesus.” I grit my teeth together just remembering the sexy as sin breakfast this morning.

  “Fucking starving here,” Rhett hollers, bouncing over to the grill, clearly ready for dinner. Ava tosses him the biggest T-bone on the grill, making him thrilled beyond words. I’m not sure if the man loves pussy or steak more.

  It only takes a few moments before everyone else is lined up. I snag a plate for Grandpa and have Ava throw on the smallest steak. She has quite the spread on the table with bowls of green salad, pasta salad, and potato salad. I can’t help but nibble off Grandpa’s plate while scooping out his servings.

  “That’s Nancy’s recipe,” Grandpa points when I scoop out the potato salad.

  “No shit?” I ask, astounded.

  Nancy was one of Grandpa’s old girlfriends who could cook like a fucking ninja. She was famous for her potato salad countywide.

  “Shared the recipe with your girl. She nailed it.” The pride beaming off him is contagious.

  Once his plate is all fixed, I go over to him, and scoop him up in my arms. The end is getting closer because he doesn’t swat me away when I lift him up. His diminishing body sinks into my arms easily. I’d hate to know what he even weighs. His body is beginning to hold water, making it harder for him to breathe, talk, and even make simple movements. I’ve tried to suppress all of it in the back of my mind, but it’s here.

  I place him at the head of the table where he’s sat since I was a young child. The sunshine reflecting off his skin offers glimpses of the healthy man he used to be.

  “I’d kick your ass if it wasn’t your birthday, boy.”

  Rhett lets out a hearty chuckle around a mouthful of steak. “I’ll take care of it for you, Pops, and I don’t give a fuck if it’s his birthday or not.”

  That comment gets a big smile out of him. Ava pushes her way in and sets down a bottle of water and some pills in front of him. It’s not the first time I’ve seen her act as his nurse. It’s all in her nature and she never misses a beat.

  It doesn’t take long before all the bowls are empty courtesy of Rhett and myself. Rhett beats me to it and snags Grandpa’s plate and polishes it off. Ava bounces up and gathers the gifts and cake from a nearby table. She’s cute balancing everything in her arms.

  “Present time,” she squeals, setting everything down in front of me.

  “Jesus, Ava, you and birthdays,” Chloe says, rolling her eyes.

  “No shit,” Darby adds. “You’d think you were still nine years old.”

  “Remember all the princess parties she made us live through with her in our college dorm?” Chloe laughs and drinks from her bottle of water.

  I don’t even want to think about why Ava loves birthdays so much. I could probably guess on my own that it has all to do with her fucking parents. The plastic fork in my hand snaps in two just thinking about it.

  “Cake first.” Ava lights up all twenty-five candles, letting the candle wax melt all over her frosting job.

  I catch her by the waist when she lights the final one and tug her into my lap. Ava wraps an arm around my neck and leads everyone in the Happy Birthday song. I can’t keep myself from kissing her cheek every so often as she belts out the words very off tune. The gleam from the setting sun reflects off her high cheekbones, lightening up the spray of freckles on
the bridge of her nose. It’s one of those moments where I need to pinch myself.

  “Make a wish,” Ava squeals.

  “I have nothing to wish for.” I smile up at her.

  But it’s a big fat fucking lie. Bending over, I blow out all the candles in one long puff of air and wish like hell that my past never haunts my impending perfect future.

  Chloe begins cutting the cake while Darby brings out the arsenal of ice cream they bought and even though I’m the birthday boy, the girls serve Grandpa first. I’m relieved when the cake tastes like heaven since its appearance isn’t all that great.

  “Here,” Ava hands me a bag. “This is from Chloe.”

  The gift bag is full of clothes from the brand of blue jeans I love to all sorts of name brand t-shirts. The next present from Darby is an expensive silver watch that I’d have to admit looks damn sexy on my wrist.

  “Already gave you my present, brother,” Rhett announces around a mouthful of cake.

  “Yeah, what’s that?” I sit back and work on the rest of my cake.

  “Respect. I give it to you every goddamn day.”

  The whole table erupts in laughter and I just shake my head at my damn fool of a friend.

  “My turn.” Ava claps her hands together. She passes me several boxes that contain new work boots, snapback hats, and her favorite brand of boxers for me.

  “Thanks, baby.” I stand up and kiss the hell out of her, not worrying who is watching us, but know better to stop before my cock busts through my jeans.

  Ava hands me one last box. It’s smaller than the others and perfectly wrapped in an obnoxious colored birthday paper. I notice Ava sitting on the edge of her seat anxiously waiting for me to open it. I take my time unwrapping just to tease her. I come to a brown box and pull back the flaps.

  It takes real force to keep my tears back and not to break down in front of everybody. It was a sweet gesture and a gesture of that was meant to show me everything I deserve. I haven't touched this thing and over 10 years. It was one of the things that I came to my new home with. My mother actually gave it to me on my third birthday and I really thought if I only kept it, that would be one way to keep my parents close to me.

  But as the years flew by, I became more and more disgusted with my parents’ greedy actions and decided it had no place in my life then or ever. But I was too big of a coward to actually throw it away. Ava has brought new meaning to this part of my life. My tentative fingers pull out my old panda bear. Yes, my old stuffed panda bear. When I hold it up in the sunlight I notice it has both eyes where it used to only have one. All the limbs are connected where some of them used to be missing. It’s a bit cleaner than I remember and also a little bit fluffier than I remember.

  I picked the eye off at night when I would grow nervous thinking about my parents in the prison system and what would be happening to them day in and day out. I tugged on the leg when the stress was too much from the staring eyes of the town I was tired of being judged by, but all of those reminders are gone. The only thing staring back at me is my perfect past in the form of my panda. My perfect past brought to me through the act of love from Ava. I slowly say the next two words without hesitation.

  “Thank you.”

  21

  Ava

  I wasn't sure when everyone was going to leave; it seemed we were all having a good time drinking, talking and sharing a good laugh. And we all indulged in smoking pot and morphed into goofy assholes. Rhett finally sobered up and took the girls home, leaving Zane and I alone on the patio.

  Zane put Grandpa to bed hours ago or actually I should say he carried him to bed hours ago, asleep in his arms. I’m still in shock at how well Zane reacted to the news of the hospice. I didn’t want to discuss it with him, but each day is getting worse with his grandpa; I can see it coming in his eyes, and his movements, and the worst part, in his spirit. The pain, he’s in a pain I can’t even begin to imagine and the old man just tries to hide it from me.

  I’ve never been one to use the power, greed, or money that comes with my name, but Grandpa brought that out in me. I probably would’ve sacrificed my future with Zane for the money and married my dad’s choice. I couldn’t consider myself a human being knowing that I sat idle and watched the man suffer and die in his own home and do nothing.

  After several hours of research, I came to the conclusion that hospice was needed to come in and take care of him, putting him in a comfortable state of life. And also be there for Zane.

  “I think I’m ready for another round of cake.” I looked over at Zane’s goofy smile plastered on his face and I know he’s still higher than a fucking kite. I didn’t smoke as much as the others or drink as much because the high of life right now has me going full force.

  “No bedtime for you yet Mister. I have one more birthday surprise.”

  Zane tilts his head to the side and scrunches up his eyebrows and he has no goddamn clue what I just said.

  “Wait here and I’ll be right back.” You’d think giving him his old stuffed animal and gifting it to him in front of our friends and letting him know about the hospice would be the most nerve-racking part of the night. But it’s no comparison to what I’m about to do.

  I walk quietly into his room and change quickly, leaving him out on the deck. And then grab my speaker and cell phone and head back out to him. He kicked his feet up on the table and is leaning back in his chair staring up at night sky speckled with stars. It’s nice to see him so relaxed and enjoying himself without one worry playing out on his face. I set the speaker and my phone down on the table.

  “What in the hell?” Zane swivels in his seat until he’s staring at me.

  I freeze dead in my tracks, standing before him in lingerie that shows more than it hides. His mouth drops open, but no words come out. My finger trembles when I try to hit shuffle on the playlist I created.

  “Work It” by Missy begins filling the night air combined with the want lingering between Zane and I. My hips begin to sway to the beat of the song. The song is pumping and empowering. Missy’s words lead my actions as I dance and twirl until I’m standing in front of Zane with my whole body swaying to the music.

  He reaches up and grips my hips, which will lead to him pulling me down onto him, and then this whole surprise will be done. I waggle my finger at him, telling him no and then take a step back. My hands unclasp my top from the back and I let it slowly fall off and then toss it to Zane. I try to mimic all the moves he made in the club the night I saw his performance. I shake my ass while giving him all kinds of views and getting so close to him, making it torture on him.

  Several songs fly by and I find that dancing is fucking liberating and very rewarding only because of the look on Zane’s face. Beyoncé is singing now and I’m naked before my man dancing up and down his body, caressing each one of his curves and giving him the show of his life. I know for a fact he enjoyed his little birthday breakfast beyond words. The man is pretty easy; sex and food and you have him in a trap.

  I reach over to a couple pieces of birthday cake left in the cake pan and pick one piece off and place it on his lips. Zane takes a bite and then leans forward, taking one of my nipples into his mouth. Again I push him back in his seat and wag my finger, telling him no.

  I hold the slice of the cake and take a bite of my own right where his lips were. And I let the cake roll down my chest, rubbing it along the underside of each of my breasts, leaving frosting in its path. Each of my nipples become dappled in frosting. And then I go lower to my abdomen and my belly button, creating curvy trails of frosting on my skin.

  And right when I get where I really want the frosting, Zane loses all control. He stands up, lays me back on the patio table, and begins licking his way down the trail of frosting. He’s forceful and I feel his teeth and tongue nip at my skin. The raw movement begins empowering me. I never made it to where I really wanted the frosting and Zane’s tongue, but it doesn’t seem to matter.

  This is his final birthday pre
sent from me, but by all means I’m reaping all the goddamn benefits. My back arches up and I painfully squeeze both my nipples as Zane’s tongue swirls around my bud. He teases me for a while before he sticks his tongue in me and then laps his tongue up and down my entire center until I’m squirming and screaming his name.

  “Fuck this. I need you now, Ava.” The sound of his zipper fills the night air and when I feel the tip of his cock at my entrance, it’s all too much. I’m surrounded by everything Zane; his scent, his body, and now him filling me. He doesn’t take it slow, rolling his hips nice and smooth the way Zane normally starts out, instead he begins to fuck me hard and rough on the table.

  After several orgasms flow by, I scream his name and pull his hair, and then dig my nails into his skin. Zane flips me over roughly and without warning, my nipples are on the glass table and smash up against the chilled surface, his hand pushes down possessively on the back of my head while his hand guides his cock and Zane begins fucking me again.

  He takes several pumps while moaning out my name and then begins a throaty moan while picking up his pace. His desperate fucking drives me closer to the edge, but I don’t want it to end, so I bite down on my bottom lip, blocking my own moans. The taste of metallic blood fills my mouth, but it’s a small consequence because I need him taking me like this forever.

  Zane picks up on me trying to hold back and wraps his hand around the front of my throat and pulls me up into a standing position. My back is pressed to his chest, his hand wrapped around the front of my throat. He begins to press down hard, showing me who’s in control, taking me like he never has before. His cock fills all of me and slams into me over and over.

  One of his hands snakes around my front and plays with my folds and begins strumming my clit. It doesn’t take long with him fucking me and playing me like a fiddle before he has me screaming and melting once again. But this time my body has no more energy; I have nothing left inside of me. Zane has drained me of everything and he’s still rock hard, taking me from behind. I let him take his time to use me, exhausting all of his emotions, letting it all out.