Dirty

by HJ Bellus

  “Zane, please don’t leave me.”

  “Baby, I have to go.”

  The officer whirls me back around, this time facing the front of the door with no Ava in sight. Her frantic screams fill the air and I feel helpless. I feel helpless for the first time in my life, not worthless, but helpless.

  The fuckers check me into the jail and charge me with assaulting an officer. I wait for an attorney, but the days go by. Seems weeks go by before I’m assigned one.

  Sitting in a cell day in and day out going over everything in my mind is torture. There are days where I just wish I could find a bed sheet or a knife and end it all. It makes perfect sense who Oliver is now and why he stormed into my life.

  I’ve held guilt for years over the little boy that was left behind because of my parents’ actions. It’s obvious he never received any help or a good life after that. But I did. And it was because of the home my grandpa created for me, growing up next to my best friend, and enjoying life.

  The last four years of my life have been absolute hell with the news of cancer, the money situation, and me trying to keep everything together. But sitting back and looking at the bigger picture, it was nothing. There’s so much more to life than having bills paid, keeping my home, and fighting for the next dollar. The sad thing is I realized it a little too late in life. I’ve lost everything now. I lost Grandpa, I’m sure the ranch soon, and my soul has been crushed and destroyed over this summer.

  I’ve reached out to Ava a few times, but with no response. Rhett refuses to tell me anything, not wanting to get into the middle of it. I’ve asked over and over about the baby and Ava’s health. Rhett keeps an eye on Ava, where she sleeps and who she’s with. But I get nothing. For all I know, Ava could be states away by now.

  And some days it makes me fucking angry and on other days I know I deserve it.

  “Zane Rivers, bed roll.”

  I look around the jail cell making sure I heard the guard right, make eye contact with him, only to see him wave his finger towards me. I grab my bedroll and head toward him, hoping for an explanation. But nothing. I follow him in silence down long halls and probably figure I’m being moved to a different facility.

  We finally stop at a desk at the front of the office and it’s not until the lady behind a desk says, “You’re free, Zane. All charges have been dropped.”

  She hands me over my small bag of belongings. I go into the bathroom and change into my normal clothes. And then open a door into the sunlight. No one is there to pick me up, not even Rhett. Reaching into my pocket, I pull out my cell phone to find it dead and chuck the fucker into some bushes.

  I walk about three blocks until I find a restaurant and ask to use their phone. I dial up Rhett and he finally answers after about the fifth try. When he does, he’s out of breath and irritated. I’m sure he’s balls deep in Darby or someone right now.

  “Hey, it’s Zane and need a ride home.”

  “What you mean?”

  “They dropped all charges.”

  “Alright man, I’ll be there in a few.”

  “Pull your God damn dick out of whatever hole you got it in right now and pick me up at the corner of Third and Nevada.”

  I hang up the phone and plop down on a small bench in front of the restaurant. My boot kicks around the loose pebbles on the sidewalk. And instead of feeling like a solid person like the flat cement of the sidewalk, I’m those scattered pebbles having no direction to go in. I really lost everything and now being out in the air after three months, I just want to go back to the cell and not worry or even think about what’s coming next. I have to leave this town. There’s nothing left here for me anymore. My soul has been crushed and now it’s time to wander.

  The sound of squealing tires grabs my attention and I look up to see Rhett squealing all four tires of my truck, not his.

  “Damn, Zane, you looking fucking good.”

  “Give me my God damn keys.”

  Rhett throws the keys in my direction and we both jump back in.

  “Damn, been pumping iron or what, Zane?”

  “Not much else to fucking do in that shit hole.”

  “So they dropped all the charges?”

  “Yeah,” I nod my head.

  “Well, my truck is at your house.”

  “Okay.” I nod to him. “Want to grab a bite first?”

  “You know me and food. I love it almost as much as I love pussy.”

  Rhett’s deep chuckle actually makes my heart flinch. I’ll miss that fucker like hell, but he’s not enough to hold me here any longer. We’ve both been each other’s crutch for too long. Staying here would only be self-torture and if Ava has taught me one thing it’s that I deserve more than that.

  I drive a few blocks down the main road and stop at our favorite pizza place. It’s the same joint Ava fell into my arms at the beginning of the summer. It’s just another harsh reminder why I could never be able to live in this town…too many fucking memories to be tortured by. Rhett orders and joins me in a corner booth with two cold beers in his hands.

  I’m thankful for the liquid courage because telling Rhett won’t be easy and I wonder if taking the coward’s way out would be the best. Just waking up one morning and vanishing, starting over somewhere new without past, or any judgmental eyes.

  “I’m leaving town.” I finally blurt out knowing my best friend deserves the respect of knowing.

  “Vacation?” He asks around a large bite of pepperoni pizza.

  I shake my head side to side. “For good.”

  His eyebrows scrunch together. “The fuck?”

  “Nothing left here for me, man.”

  “Wow.” He sits back in the booth running a hand over his hat. “You’re not going to fight for Ava?”

  “I’ve tried reaching out a few times and no response it’s clear she doesn’t want me.”

  “Never took you for a quitter, Zane.”

  “I’m done suffering, Rhett.”

  He goes to open his mouth again, but I stop him. “End of conversation, Rhett, you’re not going to change my mind.”

  He has a look in his eyes that say so much more, but I’m too tired to figure it out right now. I’m defeated and need space from all of it. Life has a whole new meaning without Ava in it and I’m finding it fucking hard to convince myself to wake up tomorrow.

  We finish lunch in silence and even drive the rest of the way in silence with nothing else to say. I’m ready to get home, spend a few days packing, and then see where the road leads. When I pull down the lane, not much has changed. Rhett’s truck is in the driveway; the horses are out in the pasture. I jump from the truck and head inside the house, not paying attention to Rhett. It’s not until I hear his truck roaring down the lane that I know he left.

  I open the fridge and I’m surprised at how it is stocked with food, beer and everything else in between. I figure Darby must have done something for me. It might be one of the times I really appreciate the girl, even if she does have a loud mouth and I’m out of here as soon as I get packed.

  I grab a six-pack of beer and head out onto the porch in the same seat that I sat in the night those texts came in from Oliver. I don’t let my mind think about him too often and the fact he’s still out there somewhere. I’m going to have to find a way to block it all from my fucking mind.

  I kick my feet up and start hammering back the beers. The cold golden liquid tastes like heaven. About beer number five, something out in the pasture catches my eye. I look up and analyze the movement, then take several long moments just staring.

  Ava and Lola. Ava is in a pale yellow sundress leading Lola across the pasture. Can’t make out the expression on her face or can’t even tell if she sees me. But the one thing I do notice is her belly. It’s not just the swollen bump like at Grandpa’s funeral, but it’s a full on pregnancy belly. My head spins, trying to shake out the confusion. I scrub my eyes and look again to see that now she’s made it to the fence and is taking the halter off Lola.r />
  I watch her go into the barn and come out with a few treats of hay. She takes her time combing her horse and then she reaches up on her tiptoes and kisses Lola’s forehead before shutting the gate. I notice she’s wearing her brown cowboy boots she wore into the club that first night.

  I’m not sure if she even sees me or if this is all an illusion. As Ava gets closer to me, her sweet smell hits me. I stand to my feet, and watch her raise her head to make eye contact. A genuine smile spreads across her face and I smile back.

  When she’s close enough to touch, I poke at her eye to see if it’s really her or a fucking dream. Her light giggles fill the air and I try for her eye again to make sure she’s really there. Ava flinches and my heart leaps.

  “Learn from the best?” She asks shrugging her shoulders.

  I don’t respond, but only reach out for her hand. I connect with her flesh, palm-to-palm fitting perfectly together, and her dainty little fingers lace into mine. I keep blinking like a fool and wondering what the hell is going on.

  Ava’s love radiates with beauty, glowing, and the happiness covering every inch of her.

  “Welcome home, Zane Rivers.”

  I don’t know how to react or what to even say. I part my lips and try to figure out something, but it never comes.

  “Thank you for giving me this home, Zane and thank you for loving me. I’m home and I’m ready to live out the rest of my fairytale with my prince. Only if that prince is finally ready to accept all of my love.”

  “Ava?”

  “Yes.”

  “Is this for real?”

  She only nods back in my direction.

  “Please be fucking serious with me right now.”

  “Zane Rivers, I’m fucking serious right now. The past is the past and the future is ours. Our little Charlie,” she pauses to cover her belly with her palms, “Will know love and forgiveness.”

  “It’s a boy?” I ask.

  She shrugs her shoulders. “I don’t know, but either way we are naming our baby Charlie after Grandpa. He’s the best man I’ve ever met and has given me the greatest gift. You.”

  “I’m leaving town.”

  Ava’s face falls.

  “Wait. Fuck.” I scrub my face trying to find the right words. “My plan was to leave town. There was nothing left here for me without you and my Grandpa.”

  “But I’m here, Zane,” she pleads.

  “It was my plan until you just gave me every fucking reason to stay.”

  “My heart is yours, Zane Rivers.”

  I don’t hesitate, pause, or even search for the right words. My hand wraps around the back of her head and I pull her into me. I let out a chuckle when her belly stops us from our fronts colliding like they used to. My lips crash onto hers and I kiss the hell out of her. Letting her know how thankful I am and how much I need her in my life.

  It kills me to pull back and lose our connection but there’s something else I have to do. I sink to my knees and place both my palms over her swollen belly. I raise her sun dress up until her panties and belly are exposed. Light stretch marks already cover parts of her belly and it’s the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen. I take my time and slowly place kisses all over her stomach. I feel her hands in my hair and tears fall from her face, landing on her belly and the bridge of my nose. I look up at her and smile, asking her one question.

  “Those are happy tears, right?”

  “Very happy tears, Zane.”

  “Ava, I promise to be your everything…” She cuts me off before I can go on.

  “I forgive you, Zane. I understand and just needed time to process it all.” She wraps her hands under my arms and tries to pull me up.

  Her efforts are recognized, but do nothing to move me. I tower over her petite frame when I stand, stare down at her, and cup her cheeks in my palms.

  “Marry me, Ava.” It’s not a question.

  I let go of one of her tear soaked cheeks and search for the ring in my back pocket. Grandpa gave it to me three nights before he passed. He’d bought it for his true love, but never had the courage to ask her.

  I’m re-writing history from this moment on.

  THE END

  (The first chapter of FILTHY is on the next page! Enjoy.)

  27

  FILTHY -CHAPTER 1

  Darby

  Rhett waltzes from the club fucking wasted. I pay our tab and try to keep up with his drunk ass. He’s one shot away from passing out. As drunk as the fucker is, going out alone was amazing. No strip club, Zane or Ava drama, or women calling him up for a booty call. It was just enjoying the night dancing and drinking.

  Dancing with Rhett out on the dance floor is intoxicating and makes me feel like a queen.

  “You fucking punk.”

  I look up to see Rhett advancing on another dark figure and run to him. Blond hair comes into view and then Oliver’s face. He’s smiling and looks more evil than he ever has. He’s witty and picks up on the fact that Rhett is wasted.

  Rhett takes a wild swing in the dark and only catches air. Oliver swings back, fully connecting and sending Rhett’s whole body backwards. Oliver doesn’t stop at two swings or even five as he continues nailing Rhett.

  My screams are lost on the busy highway next to the bar. I manage to get between the men, but not without taking a fist to my jaw. I kick Oliver hard, landing my foot between his legs. It gives me the few needed moments to push Rhett back to safety. I try to dig for my phone in my purse but Oliver is standing already and advancing on me.

  “You little bitch.” He grabs a handful of my hair and drags me deeper into the parking lot. Rhett tries to keep up but doesn’t do a very good job. “Going to give you a message to take back to your friend, Ava.”

  My skirt is ripped from me and the sound of his zipper going down is all I hear. He forces his hand into my panties and I react, fighting for my life. Oliver throws me to the ground, but I don’t stop letting my legs and arms fly in the air. I nail him again in the nuts and throw a handful of dirt in his face.

  Oliver stands stunned, wiping at his face. I throw more dirt and continue to kick, hoping to find a window of time to run away.

  “Darby,” Rhett’s voice joins us. I glance up to see him staggering and I know it’s not because he’s drunk, but beaten.

  I land one last blow to Oliver’s groin before Rhett is standing by my side. Sets of lights glow on Oliver. His face is covered in dirt and he’s wincing in pain from my kicks. Then a long and loud pull of a train horn deafens me. I react without thinking. He will no longer taunt my best friend. The feel of his fingers digging into my center burn and boils up my anger.

  I take a step closer and watch an evil grin spread across his face. The palms of my hands plant in his chest and shove him as hard as I can. He yells at me, but the train swallows up all the sounds. His hand catches my wrist, dragging me with him. Rhett’s arms wrap around my waist and pull me back.

  There are about five seconds of Oliver standing on the train tracks before his brains implode. Warm blood spatters onto my face and I remain frozen in place. Rhett tucks me into his arms, sober as fuck.

  I wake from a dream drenched in sweat and fighting for my next gulp of air, tearing at the sheets.

  “Darby, baby I’m here.”

  Rhett stares down at me and keeps me cuddled into his arms, but it does nothing to control my state of panic.

  “Ssshhh.” He brushes my hair and then hands me some pills and a bottle of water to ease away the guilt of killing a man. “Take these, baby.”

  I swallow down the Valium and lay back in his arms. It’s the same fucking nightmare each night since I killed Oliver with my own two hands.

  “Go to sleep, baby, your best friend is getting married tomorrow. You’ve got to let this go.”

  Rhett’s been by my side since that night, helping me cope. All of his playboy ways have vanished and he only takes care of me.

  “Never let me go, Rhett.”

  Our relationship is so fu
cking unhealthy, but seems to be the only thing that feels right. I hear him light up a joint with his free hand and take a couple hits off it before handing it to me.

  He continues to talk about the big wedding tomorrow and baby Charlie and how gorgeous she’ll look in her dress. She’s only three months old, but the bright spot in all of our lives.

  “Just picture Ava’s face when she read in the paper that Oliver died in an accident. Baby, you have to get over this. He was going to hurt you and probably even end up hurting Ava and Charlie.”

  I take a few more hits, feeling my eyelids grow heavy and my worry dissipate with the smoke in the room. Sleep eventually comes, but it’s never peaceful.

  “Rhett.” My voice is loud and panicked.

  “Shower, baby,” he hollers. “Your coffee is on the counter.”

  Fuck, I slap my forehead realizing the sound of the shower fills up the tiny apartment. Rhett moved in with me when Ava moved into Zane’s while he was in jail. I open the orange bottle on the nightstand and pour out three oxys. I wash them down with my coffee and then join Rhett in the shower.

  He turns and smiles when the door opens and I appear naked before him.

  “Come to Daddy.” He waggles his eyebrows.

  Remnants of Rhett’s goofy personality pop up every now and then, but not in full force like it used to be. I know I’m dragging him down and just need to get over it, but can’t seem to figure it out.

  My body fits perfectly up against his chest and I always melt when he wraps his arms low around my waist and kisses the top of my head. Rhett always knows I need to be fucked hard and rough. The man always pleases.

  He holds me for a few minutes longer than usual this morning before he turns me around to the face the wall. He drags each of his hands down my arms, raising and planting them on the shower wall.

  “Fucking hold on, baby,” Rhett whispers into my ear.

  The head of his cock bobs at my entrance and I’m greedy, flexing back to meet it.

  “No.” He slaps my ass, sending a stinging sensation.

  “Rhett,” I moan out. “Please.”