Yule Tidings

by Savannah Dawn

  Anne watched Merle leave the Red Cross filled with resentment. Tammy found Anne sitting at the table, alone. “Is Merle still here? He wasn’t supposed to leave before seeing me.”

  “He walked out.” Anne’s voice was completely devoid of emotion. She was too shocked to feel much of anything.

  “What? He shouldn’t have left. I needed to check him to see if he was okay.”

  “He’s well enough to storm out of here.” Anne mumbled, standing and walking to the receptionist table. Tammy watched after her, curious and confused. She shook her head. There were a lot of donors waiting.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Anne tried to ignore the things Merle had said to her, but his words kept echoing through her mind. She was selfish and cruel? Her kids had told her that on occasion, but she thought they’d only been trying to hurt her. Usually they said it when she refused to give them something they wanted from the house. But Merle was a virtual stranger. He had no reason to want to hurt her. Anne tried to think about her behavior in the last few years. Life had been difficult since the divorce, and she was certain she’d changed a great deal in the last six years. She knew she hadn’t always been the easiest person to get along with, but was she really so terrible? She thought of Franklin’s mother, Tessa; a woman she completely abhorred, and of how she would say some rather rude things to Anne. It had always felt terrible. Even though Tessa was of no direct relation to Anne, somehow when she criticized her it hurt so much worse than when her own mother or family members criticized her. When she was pregnant for Michael, Tessa told her she was bigger than a barn and that she ate too much. It wouldn’t have been a big deal, but Anne was so emotional from the pregnancy that she took it way too seriously. She’d almost stopped eating.

  Anne remembered how it had felt when Tessa expressed her disappointment over Anne’s first pregnancy. She felt that Anne and Franklin should have waited at least a year or two before they had children; taken time to enjoy being just the two of them. Thinking back, Anne wondered what it would have been like if they had waited, but she would never regret not waiting. She loved her children. But at the time Anne had felt totally depleted and miserable. Tessa wasn’t the best grandmother, but she’d been good to the kids. Anne remembered watching Michael help in the garden. She’d been so jealous because Tessa could get the kids to do anything she asked, while for Anne it felt like pulling teeth to get them to help. Tessa would just smile that smug little smile of hers as if to say, “they like me better,” and Anne would want to slap her.

  What was Anne supposed to do? Take it all back? It seemed a bit late for that, besides, her pride didn’t want her to take it back. She’d gotten over the things Tessa said to her, why couldn’t Alexia get over the things Anne said. For the thousandth time Anne wondered if Alexia was really having complications or if Jason was just trying to make her feel bad. Anne didn’t wish for any woman to miscarry. It was a horrible experience and truly heartbreaking. Anne continued working in a sort of stupor for the rest of the day. Everything seemed to be in a haze. She helped donors to the snack tables or to a nurse. She kept the trays filled with goodies and refreshments, but none of it seemed to be real. She couldn’t stop hearing the words Merle had said to her. No wonder you’re divorced and alone. Was it truly Anne’s fault that Franklin left her? Not entirely, she knew that for sure, but as Merle had so eloquently said, it takes two. If she’d been more attentive to Franklin and less bitter, she might have managed to save her marriage. Was she really discarding Jason’s baby? Anne didn’t want to think about it anymore. It made her head hurt and her heart ache. Maybe she had made a terrible mistake.

  Anne drove home slowly, still intent on the things Merle had said. Tammy was worried about Merle; telling Anne about his deceased wife and all he’d been through in the last few years. Anne felt rotten for trying to get his sympathy. Here she was, complaining about her lot in life, and his wife died young from an incurable disease. At least Anne had some kind of control over the things in her life. She shook her head. He wasn’t necessarily right. Maybe she’d been a little harsh, but that didn’t mean she was entirely wrong. She didn’t think Alexia was perfect for Jason or that she would make him a good wife. She’d been so quiet and reserved and Jason loved being a part of a crowd.

  Anne pulled into the garage and climbed out of her car. She went into the empty house, looking at her answering machine. No messages. Damn. She’d thought for sure Jason would have called by now. He had the entire day off. Anne picked up the phone and listened as it rang. Again there was no answer. “Jason, this is Mom, I want to talk to you. Give me a call.” Anne hung up irritably. He could at least answer the stupid phone when she called. She knew he was screening her calls and it irked her beyond measure.

  Anne paced the living room but to no avail. Nothing was making her feel better. She needed a release of some kind. The basement! she thought suddenly. She’d clean the basement. She hadn’t done that in forever, and it could certainly use the attention.

  It took Anne five hours working non-stop to clean the basement. It was a complete disaster. There were dishes to be washed and put away, toys everywhere, garbage, empty bottles, and the floor hadn’t been vacuumed in months, if not longer. Anne was embarrassed that she’d let anyone sleep down there in the last year. There was at least an inch of dust covering everything, and the bathroom was disgusting. No wonder the kids didn’t want to stay with her much—it probably wasn’t safe for the grandkids to be in such a mess. Anne sat down on the old sofa. The roses were faded and worn, the cushions dented from years of use. What was happening to her? How could she have let herself fall so far? She knew she couldn’t blame Franklin for all of it. His leaving was only part of the problem. Was she really so self-involved that she thought her loss was greater than his? She knew he blamed himself for the baby as much as she did. He even visited the grave occasionally, because she’d find flowers on the tombstone they’d placed in the small ‘babyland’ area of the cemetery. It was meant to help them get over their loss, but it hadn’t helped Anne. All she felt when she went to the cemetery was her sadness and pain. Maybe if she’d managed to get pregnant again and have another baby things would have been better; she might not be quite so bitter, but it wasn’t meant to be.

  Anne looked around her at the cedar-paneled room. It was much cleaner than it had been in years. She smiled. She had a lot more work ahead of her if she wanted to clean the entire house as well, but she was determined. Then she had one extremely long and awkward phone call to make.

  Chapter Eighteen

  “Hello?” a woman’s voice answered groggily.

  “Donna? Is Franklin there?”

  “Who is this?”

  “It’s Anne. Could I please talk with Franklin?”

  “Yeah, just a second.” Anne heard Donna moving around, probably climbing out of bed. It was late Sunday night. There were soft whispers, and Anne could tell Donna was trying to cover the mouthpiece as she spoke with Franklin.

  “Anne? Is Trisha okay?” Franklin’s voice was full of concern when he came on the line. He didn’t sound particularly groggy, but then again, he’d never been one to go to bed early.

  “Trisha is fine, Franklin. I’m sorry to call you so late.” Anne paused, her pulse speeding as she tried to gain courage. “I need someone to talk to who will be totally honest with me. Whatever we are now, we were friends once, very much in love, and I need you.” Anne was afraid he’d flat out refuse to talk to her, but she was praying that he still cared enough about her that he’d give her a chance. She wasn’t sure he could give her what she asked, or if he’d be able to answer her honestly, but she was hoping that he’d find it in his heart to help her.

  “Anne…” Franklin wasn’t sure what to say. Did she want him back? She was six years too late. He was happily married to Donna. He would always love Anne; she was the mother of his children, but he would never go back to her. There were many times in the last six years that he’d regretted his decision, b
ut he would never take it back. As much as he still cared for Anne, he was married to Donna, and he loved her.

  “Please, Franklin. I need help.” Anne didn’t want to beg, but if she had to, she’d drive to his house and talk to him face to face to see if he could turn her away when he saw her sincerity.

  “What do you want me to do?” Franklin sighed. He shrugged when Donna looked at him in alarm. “Just a minute, Anne.” Franklin pulled the receiver away from his mouth. “Honey, why don’t you go back up to bed? I’ll be up shortly,” he assured her, kissing her softly. One of the things he loved most about Donna was that she never questioned him. She’d go upstairs and go to sleep and trust that he’d tell her what was going on later. She never doubted him or thought he was doing something he shouldn’t be. He waited until he heard her enter the bedroom upstairs before he held the phone up to his lips. “What is it, Anne?”

  Anne kept Franklin on the phone until well after three in the morning. They both cried several times. She explained how awful she felt for never realizing just how hurt he’d been at the loss of their child, and how she understood that he’d only been trying to be the strong one, for her sake. It felt as though he hadn’t cared because the loss never truly seemed to have touched him. He was ready to try again within a month, and she hadn’t been ready for almost a year. He thought that having another baby would help her to heal, he explained, and he’d wanted her to get better. They talked of the good times, before the lost baby, and how the kids grew up way too fast. Anne told him about her counselor, and her job, and how very lonely she was most of the time. She described how the house was practically in shambles, but she was finally trying to fix it; or at least the things she could fix. Because they’d spent so many years being intimate, it was easy to open up to each other again. Anne felt no reservations when she asked Franklin, “Just how bad have I gotten?” and she didn’t even resent his honest reply, rather she was grateful for his candor.

  Franklin was hesitant to answer her questions at first, but she seemed to be making a breakthrough and he didn’t want to discourage her progress. He told her that she’d become worse than his mother had ever been. He described how the kids were afraid to talk to her on the phone because she always seemed unhappy and they complained that she was too needy and demanding. He told her that the kids hated the woman she was becoming, and how they often reminisced about the way she was when they were growing up. They tried to understand how and why she was becoming someone so different, but they couldn’t fathom the changes in her personality. He explained how disappointed he was by her lack of concern in her physical appearance, and how he blamed himself for some of the problems she encountered. “You were a beautiful woman Anne, and you still would be if you spent a few minutes on yourself,” he told her at one point.

  Anne told him just how devastated she’d been over the divorce, and how much it still hurt. She’d hated him for a while before realizing that she still loved him, though she was finally no longer in love with him. She apologized for neglecting him and pushing him away, and for treating him like a handyman. She’d never meant for him to think she didn’t love him, she just wasn’t able to show him how she felt. She asked him how Jason and Alex were, telling him that Jason wouldn’t answer her calls. When Franklin asked what had caused her breakthrough, she described Merle and the brutally honest things he’d said to her at the blood drive. Franklin was impressed with any man that could get Anne to see the light, especially so suddenly and quickly. He was tempted to tell Anne that she should start seeing the man, but he knew that would be pushing it. He doubted Anne would ever date, let alone remarry.

  When they finally ended their conversation, Anne didn’t hesitate before saying, “Franklin, thank you so much for listening to me. I miss you, and I’ll always love you deep down. How could I not? You gave me four beautiful children, and some wonderful years together. I’m still so sorry.”

  “Anne, I’ll listen to you anytime if you want to really talk. I love you too, but I think you knew that.” They both knew that they were no longer in love with each other, but after nearly twelve years of suffering through loss and hate, and six years of being divorced; they’d finally become friends again, able to accept that they could still appreciate what they’d once been to each other.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Jason spent the weekend with Alex, forcing her to stay in bed and rest. He rented movies and cooked her favorite foods, trying to keep her calm and relaxed. He stayed in bed next to her, ignoring his mother’s phone calls. Alex stopped spotting, but Jason wasn’t taking any chances. She was taking at least a few days or more off work, and her professors were willing to let her work online for the time being, sending her the notes and assignments through her email. Jason was leaving his laptop with her so she wouldn’t need to sit at a desk, and he was tempted to ask his sisters to take turns sitting with her while he was at work, but he knew the kids would get irritable at his place. He didn’t have toys or anything for them to play with. He settled for her promise that she wouldn’t get out of bed unless she had to for at least a few more days.

  Monday morning Jason’s secretary, Stacy, announced that an Anne Stafford-Davis was on hold on line one. Jason told her to inform Anne that he was unavailable for consultation. After lunch Stacy told him she was on the line again. Jason was preparing to have Stacy tell his mother that he wasn’t available, when it occurred to him that she would just start calling the house and upset Alex. Reluctant to take the chance that she might wake Alex or upset her somehow, he told Stacy to patch the call through.

  “Hello?”

  “Jason, it’s Mom.”

  “Mom, stop calling. I don’t want to hear from you right now. Don’t call my house, either. Alex is on bed rest and the last thing she needs is to rush to the phone just to hear your voice on the other end.” Jason wasn’t going to give her a chance to start ranting and raving. He didn’t have the patience for it anymore. He had nothing to say to her right now. He was still too angry with her to be civil and he didn’t want to make things worse.

  “But Jason,” Anne pleaded, desperately. She wanted to tell him how she’d realized that she was wrong. She’d behaved terribly and she wanted to make it up to him and to Alex. The poor girl was on bed rest so soon? Franklin hadn’t mentioned that. Anne prayed she’d be all right; she’d blame herself if something happened to the baby.

  “Bye Mom.” Jason said, hanging up abruptly. He couldn’t stand to hear his mother’s voice. Not while Alex was in bed, the baby’s life in the balance. True, the doctor thought that rest would solve the problem, and didn’t seem overly concerned, but to Jason it was a big deal. This was his child, not just some random kid. His baby and the love of his life were on the line. He refused to put them more at risk. His mother wasn’t worth it to him right now. If she called and upset Alex things would go very badly.

  Alex was so delicate and fragile. He shuddered to think what might happen if his mother were to call and start venting on Lexi. He could almost see her doubling over in pain. They’d been walking at the mall, talking about his mother when the spotting started. She’d turned ghostly white and whispered frantically that she was bleeding. Jason had taken her right to the hospital. Even with the assurances of the doctor and nursing staff, Jason was still reluctant to let Alex stress herself unduly.

  Anne stared at the receiver in her hand. He’d hung up on her without even giving her a chance to apologize. Anne wept. Jason wasn’t going to listen to a thing she had to say, and she wouldn’t dare call Alex. She couldn’t take the chance that Alex might get too emotional. Oh the poor child! It was all Anne’s fault. Anne forced herself to calm down. She was at work; she couldn’t afford to start crying now. She’d spent all day Sunday cleaning the house. It wasn’t finished, but it looked fantastic compared to how it had looked the last five years. It amazed her how much filth she’d missed in the last five years. Her cleaning had left much to be desired. She never threw anything in the garbage, the closet
s were so full the doors didn’t want to close, and she could barely step into the office.

  Now the clutter in the closets was gone. She’d thrown out everything she didn’t use. She separated all the pictures from the kids’ childhood, even the ones with Franklin in them, and set them aside for each child to take home. She emptied the pantry and the freezers, and cleaned all the garbage out of the office. She’d even started pulling out the Christmas decorations. She was bound and determined to have a Christmas celebration at her house this year.

  Anne very carefully unwrapped the precious decorations, stored for the last six years. Each one had a special memory. The precious moments decorations were gifts from Franklin; he’d gotten her one every year since their marriage. She found the kids’ homemade decorations and the little first Christmas decoration they had for each child. She remembered how Franklin would take the kids traipsing through the woods behind the house to find the perfect Christmas Tree and bring it home. Then the kids would ever so carefully unwrap the decorations on Thanksgiving and put them on the tree while she and Franklin sat on the couch holding hands and drinking eggnog. For once Anne’s memories weren’t tinged with anger and regret, just a bit of sadness and wonderment at how wonderful it used to be. Maybe someday she could find that solace and happiness again in the arms of another.

  Anne worked later than usual, finishing up some filing before heading home. She stopped by the store to pick up a loaf of bread and some other groceries to replenish her recently emptied pantry before turning down the backcountry road that led to her house. Corington was a dangerous road at night, especially in the fall and winter when snow and ice covered the road. Anne was dead on her feet from staying up so late talking to Franklin, so she drove even more slowly than usual. The last thing she needed was to have another accident. The roads were slick, and the darkness seemed to envelop the area around Anne’s headlights. Suddenly, snow started to fall, and Anne was tempted to pull over, just to take a few minutes to enjoy watching the flakes float gracefully to the earth. She hadn’t enjoyed such simple pleasures in years and it seemed appropriate to do so now, when she felt as though she was finally starting over; but fear of getting rear ended prevented her from stopping and she continued on slowly, content to watch the flakes fall on her windshield.