Then, Again

by Karen Stivali

  “Tomorrow night. Does that mean you’ll do it?”

  He didn’t have specific plans with Kay, though their nights together were completely implied at this point. She’s pretty laid back. She’ll probably be fine with it. I hope. “Fine. What time do you need me?”

  “Thank you, thank you, thank you. You can pick me up at six, cocktails start at seven and I can give you conversation topics on the way there.”

  “Sounds horrific, but I’ll still be there.”

  “Suit and tie.”

  “Of course.”

  “And wear one of the ones I like, please, not one of your crazy artsy ties.”

  “I’ll be as suave and conventional as possible, I promise.”

  “Thanks, James. I knew I could count on you.”

  He hung up feeling a combination of dread and pride. He’d always been a sucker for a woman in need. White knight syndrome. Now he just had to tell Kay what he was doing.

  As if on cue she knocked on his door.

  “Hey.” He swept her into his arms, giving her a long deep kiss. Her tongue swirled inside his mouth, almost making him forget that he needed to let her know about his plans.

  “How was your day?” She tossed her purse onto his couch and sat down.

  He took a seat next to her, the silky skin of her arm brushing against his, distracting him. “Good. Did you get a lot done on the house?”

  “I did, we made it through about half the attic. I have to run another batch of stuff to Goodwill tomorrow.”

  “Good. Speaking of tomorrow, I’m not going to be around tomorrow night.” The moment the words left his lips he regretted having said yes to Patricia.

  Kay’s eyebrows rose. “Okay. What’s up?”

  “I have to go to this dinner thing, in Philly.” He ran his fingers through his hair, watching her eyes narrow and wishing he’d said no. “It’s a favor, for Patricia.”

  “Oh.” The single word changed the entire mood of the evening. Even the air felt different.

  “I wouldn’t have said yes, but she sounded desperate. Her firm has this stupid dinner every year before they announce who made partner and it’s the kiss of death if you show up without a significant other.” That doesn’t sound right, I’m not her significant other. Shit. “I mean, she needs a stand-in. The guy she was taking had an accident and can’t go. She’s afraid it’s going to screw up her chances.”

  “I get it.”

  He tried to read the expression on her face. He’d expected annoyance but instead he saw hurt, which was the last thing he wanted. “You know, I should have just told her I can’t do it. Let me call her back.” He reached for his phone.

  “No.” She placed her hand on his. “You said you’d do it, you should go.”

  The look on her face was impossible to decipher. Is she really okay with it? Or does she think she has to say it’s fine? “Kay, you understand this is just a favor for a friend, right? Patricia and I have been over for a long time, she’s in a bind right now, that’s all. I’m sure she’d have rather asked anyone other than me if she’d had the option.”

  “It’s okay. So, what do you want for dinner tonight?”

  He couldn’t tell if she was really done discussing this, or if a storm was brewing and she needed to let it build before she unleashed it. Shit. “We can go wherever you like.”

  She fiddled with a fingernail then stood up. “Why don’t we just grab something quick? Sushi? I still have some stuff I should finish at home tonight.”

  Did she mention that before? That she had things to do tonight? Or is this because she’s upset? He ran his hand through his hair. This was the part of relationships he hated. The guessing. “Sushi it is.”

  Dinner was great. It was a slow night at the sushi bar and the chef had paid special attention to them, creating all sorts of hand rolls and bringing out some new menu items from the kitchen. Kay chatted with him and seemed to really enjoy the meal, but on the drive home she became very quiet.

  James reached for her hand as he drove her home. His thumb swept across her knuckles. She squeezed his fingers, but he knew something wasn’t right.

  They walked to her door in silence. “You okay?” He stroked her hair, trying to gauge her response.

  “Just tired.” She squirmed, pulling away from his touch. “I haven’t been getting enough sleep lately.”

  Me neither. “Sorry, that’s partly my fault.”

  She shook her head, rummaging through her purse until she found her keys. “It’s not your fault, we’ve just been spending a lot of time together, and I’ve got a ton of other stuff to do.”

  What is she saying? I’ve got tons of other things to do too. “Are you mad at me?”

  “No. I just think it’s probably good that you’re going to that dinner tomorrow. It’ll give me time to take care of some things, and we could probably use the break.”

  Her words hit him square in the stomach. Break? “Oh. Okay, sure. I didn’t realize you felt that way. You should have said something.”

  She shrugged, fidgeting with the keys. “There wasn’t anything to say, we’ve just been in this whirlwind, and it’s probably good to take a step back, that’s all.”

  The ocean breeze picked up and James felt chilled to his core. A step back? He had no idea she’d wanted that. For the first time since they’d gotten together he felt like he was on entirely shaky ground. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

  “Okay. I’ll be out a bit though.”

  Does she not even want me to call? Is she giving me the brush off? Or is she just pissed? He studied her face. He didn’t see anger, she just looked sad.

  “Goodnight, James.” She went up on tiptoe and kissed him.

  He still had no idea what to say. “Goodnight.”

  She disappeared behind the door and he heard the locks click. He remained on the porch, debating whether or not he should try to talk to her. Don’t make an ass of yourself, she’s obviously done talking, at least for tonight.

  Kay didn’t even bother turning on any lights. She went straight to the bedroom and flopped down onto the mattress. She hadn’t lied. She really was tired. And the added effort it had taken to stay calm during dinner had been exhausting.

  Jealousy wasn’t something Kay enjoyed or even respected, but she couldn’t help it. The idea of James spending the evening with his ex at some fancy soiree was bugging the shit out of her. She’d seen pictures of Patricia. Tall and willowy and very blonde with that edgy businesswoman air about her. She’d probably look stunning in some fitted black dress. James was sure to look fantastic in his suit. They’d mingle, pretending to be a couple. What if it reminds them of when they actually were together? Old feelings can resurface. And Judy’s been pushing for them to reconcile. What if Patricia is only doing this because she wanted him back?

  Kay’s head hurt. She dragged herself out of bed and into the bathroom. The water from the sink was ice cold and she splashed it on her face until her fingertips started to go numb.

  If he gets back with his ex that quickly it means they were meant to be together. You’ll just have to accept it. You can’t force someone to fall in love with you. That much was for sure. Todd had made that painfully clear. And the last thing she wanted was to be worried about someone cheating again. If James was agreeing to go to dinners with Patricia while Kay was right there, what would happen when she was traveling? Would it be like Todd all over again? The base of her throat tightened as she tried to swallow.

  This has all been too good to be true since the beginning. Her stomach knotted. What if it’s over? The thought was too much to deal with. Her heart picked up speed. As much as she didn’t like to admit it, she’d gotten very used to the idea of being a couple with James. It felt good. Right. Like they belonged together. Maybe it’s not the same for him. Rosalie and Trixie said he’s only had one night stands since Patricia. Maybe I was just an extended version of a fling. She cringed at the thought. It’s not like James and I have a spoken commitment.
Hell, he’s come right out and said we should keep things fun. Uncomplicated. Should I have told him I wanted more? The thought scared the hell out of her. I’m such an idiot.

  An image of him with Patricia flashed back into her mind, and she thought she might throw up. She couldn’t stop thinking about Todd. He hadn’t had any trouble going from one woman to the next. Her heart sank further with every thought. This could be it. We could be over.

  She crawled back into bed, hating the fact that she was so upset but hating the idea of losing James even more.

  The sunny morning did nothing to brighten Kay’s mood. She awoke with a stiff neck, probably from clenching her teeth all night. A strange dream she couldn’t quite recall nagged at her brain. She was looking for something? Had lost something? It didn’t take a psychoanalyst to figure out it was a metaphor for what was going on with James.

  She tried to put it out of her mind as she packed up the final boxes for donation.

  Rosalie showed up with her son right after lunch. He lugged the cartons to his car while Rosalie helped Kay carry out a set of lamps.

  “What’s wrong with you today?” Rosalie eyed her suspiciously. “You feel okay?”

  “I’m fine.” Kay wasn’t in the mood to discuss what had happened, least of all with Rosalie. She didn’t want to hear about how foolish she’d been to get involved in a relationship so quickly. Worse, she didn’t want to feel compelled to defend James if Rosalie said something against him.

  “You can talk to me, you know. I can shut up long enough to listen.”

  “I know you can, Ro. Don’t worry. I’m fine. I’d let you know if I wasn’t.”

  Rosalie didn’t look at all convinced, but at least she let it drop.

  Kay’s cell phone rang. She saw James on caller ID and decided to let it go to voicemail. It killed her not to pick up, but she didn’t know what to say to him. I’ll talk to him after he’s done with his date. Date. The word made her stomach tug in a dozen directions.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  James swirled his drink, wishing he could speed up time and go home. He had a hard enough time chatting with Patricia’s colleagues back when they were dating. Now it was just torture. He couldn’t get his mind off Kay.

  The first time she hadn’t answered her phone he figured she was probably legitimately busy. By the third unanswered call he knew she was ignoring him. He saw Patricia standing by the buffet table and walked over to her. She flashed him a warning smile that clearly said “behave”.

  He leaned in, hand at her waist, and whispered in her ear, “How much longer do we have to stay?”

  Her eyebrows drew together just enough to tell him she was annoyed by the question, but not enough for her to appear angry to anyone who was looking. Always calculating.

  “Why don’t you get another drink?” She gave a broad fake smile. “Have you tried the smoked salmon? It’s divine.”

  James closed his eyes, praying for patience. “I’m leaving at eleven, just so you know.”

  Worry flickered over her features. “Stay through dessert, then we’ll make our excuses, I promise.”

  He took a deep breath. “Fine.”

  “Thanks.” A slyer smile returned to her perfectly shaped red lips. “I knew I could count on you.” Before he could even see it coming she leaned up and kissed him. Just a quick kiss, but right on his lips. She gave his arm a squeeze then sashayed off and began talking to one of the older partners from her firm.

  What the hell was that? Jesus. No wonder Kay’s pissed off. I shouldn’t be here.

  A tuxedo-clad waiter paused next to him, extending a tray. “Crab-stuffed mushrooms?”

  “Thanks.” James popped the morsel into his mouth. The savory mix of crab and herbs melted on his tongue, but all he could taste was the acid rising from his stomach. He just wanted to go home.

  Kay’s house was dark when he drove up. It was almost one a.m.. Shit. He pulled into the driveway and turned off the car, drumming his thumb against the steering wheel. Should I wake her? Maybe I should wait for morning. He placed his hand on the key, ready to turn it in the ignition. I can’t. He shoved the key into his pocket and headed for the back door.

  The porch was silent except for the faint rustle of the tall beach grass. He took a deep breath and rapped quietly on the edge of the screen door. He strained to listen for footsteps but heard none. He opened the screen, ready to knock on the inside door but before he made contact it swung open.

  Kay looked luminous in the hazy blue light of the boardwalk streetlamps. She wore the same short white summer dress she’d slipped on after the first time they’d made love. Her hair was loose and full, curling around her shoulders, her eyes dark and shining. He wanted to sweep her into his arms and carry her off to her bedroom, but he wasn’t sure he was even welcome at her house. He’d gone over what to say to her the whole ride down from Philly, but now that he was there, standing in front of her, all he could say was, “I’m sorry.”

  She leaned against the door, her hand tracing a pattern on one of the glass window panes, her eyes focused on his for what seemed like an eternity. Her silence caused the rest of his words to spill out of him. “I never should have agreed to go to Philadelphia. I’m an ass. I wasn’t thinking about what that would be like for you. It was stupid. It didn’t even occur to me that it would seem like a date because I can’t even imagine being with anyone but you. Nothing happened. I couldn’t even consider being with Patricia again. I’m sorry, Kay. Can you forgive me?”

  She wanted to say yes and fling herself into his arms but she couldn’t do it. She’d spent all night feeling sick and shaken. Feeling like she had when Todd cheated on her. What if this apology is a load of bullshit? What if he still has feelings for Patricia? Will this keep happening? I can’t go through a night like this again. “I don’t know what to say.”

  James raked his hand through his hair. He certainly looked sincere. And upset. She felt herself wavering but stood her ground. “It honestly didn’t occur to me that this would hurt you or I never would have done it.”

  “Well, it did hurt me.” Saying the words out loud made her chest ache. She hated feeling vulnerable.

  “I’m really sorry.”

  “It’s not that I don’t believe you, but what happens the next time she needs a favor?” Her heartbeat pounded in her ears as she waited for him to answer.

  “I’ll say no. You’re my priority, not her. I was only trying to do a favor for a friend.”

  “She’s not some run of the mill old friend, you know.”

  James sighed. “You’re right. And I know I have a hard time saying no to people. I try to make everyone happy and sometimes I wind up hurting the people I’d never want to hurt. I fucked up.”

  Hearing him admit it melted Kay’s heart. Todd had never apologized like that for anything in all the time they’d been together. She searched James’s eyes and saw nothing but worry and remorse. He means it. He’s sorry. Her stomach fluttered.

  James reached toward her, tucking her hair behind her ear. “Can you forgive me?”

  She nodded, feeling the last of her resolve crumble. Trust him. “I’m sorry too. I overreacted. I was hurt and I hate to admit it, but I was also insanely jealous. I know that’s not very attractive, but I couldn’t help it. I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be sorry.” He stepped closer to her, cupping the back of her head, his long fingers sinking into her hair. “I love that the thought of me with someone else made you feel jealous. I love you.”

  All the air seemed to have left her body. She replayed the moment to make sure she’d heard him right. He loves me? Her eyes misted, blurring his image as she stared at him. Say it. Tell him. “I love you too.”

  That was all James needed to hear. He moved toward her swiftly, but everything seemed to be going in slow motion. Waiting for her response he’d been certain his heart would stop beating, but now it pounded throughout his body. His mouth pressed against hers, each pillowy part of her lips we
lcoming him. He slid his hands around her back, feeling the air whoosh out from between them as her body curved in to meet his. All the stress of the past twenty-four hours evaporated under her silky touch. I love you. The words repeated in his head. You love me too.

  His need to have her grew too overwhelming. He maneuvered them into the house, kicking the door shut and fumbling behind him to turn the lock. Her fingers were woven into his hair, her mouth working against his in dizzying circles.

  He lifted her, groaning as her ankles locked behind his back. The hallway seemed far too long as he strode toward her bedroom. His knees hit the side of her mattress and he lowered her to the bed. She scrambled onto her knees, lips still on his. Her fingers slipped beneath the collar of his shirt as she went to work loosening his tie. The sensation of the silk tie being pulled loose from his neck sent tingles straight to his groin. His erection strained against the confines of his pants.

  James worked his hands beneath the edge of Kay’s short dress, inching it higher as he caressed her thighs then her shapely ass. He was beyond pleased to find that she wore nothing beneath the thin garment. Her skin was warm and velvety soft. He cast the dress aside, pulling away enough to get a glimpse of her.

  She looked radiant, glowing in the soft light, her lips, her breasts, every soft curve of her inviting his touch. He struggled out of his shirt as she went to work on his belt buckle. Her fingers slid down the length of his fly, and he twitched in anticipation. His breath hitched in his throat as she took him in her mouth. Jesus. The heat of her tongue surrounded him, making it impossible for him to think. It felt amazing but it wasn’t enough. “I want to be inside you.”

  She answered by slowly drawing her lips up his length, pausing to suck the swollen tip. Christ. He popped free of her mouth, bobbing wildly. A throaty chuckle escaped her, the sound stirring something deep inside him. She scooted back on the bed as he stepped the rest of the way out of his pants. Seeing her, sprawled against the pillows, waiting for him, was too much. He wanted her. Needed her. Now.