Then, Again

by Karen Stivali

  Patricia sipped hers, her ruby red lips leaving no trace behind on her glass as she set it back onto the polished bar. “I’ve actually got something big to celebrate.” She traced the rim of the glass with a manicured finger then looked up at him. “I made partner.”

  “That’s great. Congratulations.”

  “Thanks. I’m pretty psyched.” She circled the glass with her finger again. “There’s a big dinner to make it official.”

  It took James a second to see where she was going. “No.” He shook his head.

  “I didn’t even ask you anything.” She shifted in her seat, recrossing her long legs in one fluid motion.

  “I know you.”

  “Yes, you do. Which is why you’re the ideal fake boyfriend for me. This year the dinner is at Lacroix. You know how much you love their food. Think of it as research. You can try to outdo their new menu with your own.”

  “No.”

  Patricia’s perfectly shaped eyebrows pulled into a deep v. “Is your new girlfriend so possessive she can’t be without you for one night?”

  “It’s not about possessiveness.”

  “Well what is it then? Short leash?”

  James was ready for Patricia to leave. “I’m saying no because I don’t want to go.”

  “No one actually wants to go to these things. Can’t you just do me this one favor? For old time’s sake. They know you already and apparently they’re always happy to see you again. A lot of them have shore houses, you know. You could drop the name of your restaurant and maybe they’ll send their wives here while they’re summering.”

  “No, thanks. I’ve got enough advertising planned already.” He put the bottle of Grey Goose back on the glass shelf and placed his glass in the low sink. “Look, Patricia, I’ve got a lot of work to do and arguing with you wasn’t on my agenda for today. I’m sorry you’re not happy with my answer, but I’m sure you can find someone else.”

  He turned to leave, but she hopped off the bar stool, stopping him with a hand to his arm. “Actually, I can’t. I already told them you’re coming. In fact, they think we’re about to announce our engagement.”

  James felt his jaw tense. “Why would they think that?”

  Patricia looked more ruffled than he’d ever seen her. “Because that’s what I told them. It just slipped out. It was down to me and three other candidates and two of them got engaged during the final deliberating period. Two of them.” Her voice rose to a screechy decibel. “They kept talking about how impressive it was that you and I maintain such a great relationship even with the distance. I thought it made me look more committed.”

  “You should be committed.”

  She scowled. “Do you think it’s easy for me to do this? To come here and beg you for help? To pretend I’m happily about to get engaged when in reality I haven’t even gotten laid in months?”

  That surprised him. Patricia had never had any trouble luring men into her bed, or anywhere else. She was usually the one to kick them out when she was done with them. To the best of his knowledge he was the first guy who’d actually called it quits with her. He wasn’t used to seeing her like this. Needy. Out of control. “I’m sorry,” he said.

  “I’ve given up everything else to focus on making partner and I did it. I just need this one last piece to make it all fall into place.” Her eyes were wide, almost pleading. It tugged at his stomach more than he wanted. “I promise it would be the last time. Ever. After the party I’ll tell them you and I broke up. It won’t matter then.”

  James took a deep breath. Her hand returned to his arm and he felt himself wavering.

  She gave his arm a light squeeze then pulled back. “Just think about it, okay? It’s not for another two weeks.”

  “I’m not going to change my mind. You should ask someone else.”

  She shook her head. “No. If you won’t go then I’ll just have to move the break-up story earlier. It’ll be humiliating, but I’m sure I’ll survive.”

  Great, now I feel guilty. “Patricia.”

  “Think about it. I’ll call you in a few days.” She plucked her purse off the bar. “The place really does look fantastic. You should be very proud.”

  He watched as she strode out the door. Dammit. He hated the fact that she still had the ability to confound him. Always negotiating. I say “no” and she manages to hear “we’ll see”.

  Even though it was early, he wanted to hear Kay’s voice. He called, hoping he wasn’t waking her. “Good morning, beautiful.”

  “Hey.” Her voice sounded clipped.

  Oh good. I’m universally disappointing women. “Sorry I didn’t make it over last night. I was up until dawn then I dozed off on the couch. I’m gonna head home and take a nap. Can I see you tonight?”

  “Sure.”

  His nap lasted far longer than he intended. By the time he woke up he was already late. He took a quick shower and dashed over to Kay’s.

  He pulled into her driveway, hoping she wouldn’t be mad. He wanted nothing more than for them to have a nice evening together. A perfect evening, he hoped. She was sitting on the porch, looking apprehensive. Shit. She’s pissed.

  “Hey.” She smiled and jumped up to give him a super tight hug.

  Or maybe not. I can’t read women for shit today. She held him close. He leaned down for a kiss, which she returned with much more passion than he expected. “And to think I was worried you’d be upset I was late. Maybe I should be late more often.”

  Her fingers tightened against his shoulders and she looked down, chewing on her lower lip.

  “Actually, you don’t need to worry about being late for a while.” She tugged on his arm, guiding him to sit on the porch steps next to her.

  Her serious tone made his stomach clench. “What does that mean?”

  “I got the tourism board job.” She gnawed her lower lip again.

  “I’m so proud of you. Congratulations. You seemed to think you weren’t going to get it. This is good, right?”

  Her eyes met his, sober and dark. “They want me to start next week. Back-to-back locations. They’ve budgeted everything and set a nearly impossible schedule. I’ll be gone at least two months.”

  Two months. He’d been prepared for the possibility she’d be gone a few weeks at a time, but months? “Oh.”

  Her eyes filled with tears. “I’m going to miss your grand opening.”

  His stomach knotted. He was focusing on the fact that she’d be away, it hadn’t even occurred to him she wouldn’t be back for his opening.

  A tear trickled down her cheek and he reached up, catching it with his thumb. “Hey, it’s okay. You’ve already tried everything on the menu. When you get back you can eat there every night for a whole month.”

  He expected at least a small smile but instead she started to cry for real. She shook her head. “I’m not coming back.”

  James was sure he’d misheard her. “What?”

  “There’s another shoot after this series wraps. If I take it, it’ll mean months of travel again. I can’t be away that much and maintain this house. Rhonda called from the realtor’s office. She’s had several people nudging her about the property. She said it’ll be easy to sell, at a good price. She’s going to start showing it as soon as I leave.”

  James felt as if the air had been knocked out of him. He was still certain he wasn’t understanding her. She couldn’t possibly be saying what he was hearing. “So that’s it? You’re leaving next week and what, I’m never going to see you again?” He was exaggerating on purpose, waiting for her to say, “Don’t be ridiculous.”

  She swallowed hard, tears continuing to stream down her cheeks. “That’s up to you. But I understand if having a girlfriend who’s only around a few weeks a year doesn’t work for you. You deserve better, I just—” She dissolved into tears and he pulled her into his arms, rubbing her back as his brain worked to process everything.

  “Kay, you’ve got to calm down so we can talk about this. Come on. Deep
breaths.” He inhaled down to his toes, hoping it would settle the buzzing in his head as much as he hoped it would calm her. It didn’t work. Half of him wanted to carry her inside, make love to her and do anything in his power to convince her not to go. The rest of him wanted to get up, walk straight to his car and forget the past few months had ever happened. This is why I didn’t want to be in a relationship. I don’t have time for this bullshit. I don’t need this.

  He steeled his spine, willing himself to get up and go, but she snuggled closer against his chest. He could feel her tears seeping through his shirt, smell the familiar sweetness of her hair. His resolve to walk away vanished. He didn’t want to go. He just wanted her. Jesus Christ. She’s leaving.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Kay couldn’t take a deep breath. The tears were choking her, sucking the oxygen out of her body. What am I doing? This was a dream job, a chance to cement her name as one of the top travel photographers. Unless she managed to totally screw up, she’d be set for a while. Offers were bound to follow this, leading to years of more assignments. Under any other circumstance it would be a no brainer. She’d be delighted, bag already packed, one foot on the plane.

  James changed everything. For the first time in her life she wanted something more than she wanted success. Him. It had always been him. She’d been so sure she’d never have him that she’d given up on the possibility. Even during the time they’d been together she’d always felt as if she was one step away from losing him. That was how she’d learned to view all relationships. It’s how things had worked out with every other guy she’d ever been with. They gave up. They cheated. Something always got in the way. Surely that would happen with James too, eventually. Then where would she be if she’d turned down the assignment of a lifetime?

  His hands were warm and strong against her back. She ached to melt into them. Am I making a mistake?

  His deep voice was low and soft against her hair. “Are you sure this is what you want?”

  She nodded, not at all convinced and absolutely certain that if she tried to speak she’d only cry more. Why does it hurt so much?

  “I want you to be happy, Kay. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. If this is what you want, then I want you to go.” His voice crackled over the words.

  He’s letting me go. He’s telling me to go. If this was as hard for him as it is for me he’d ask me to stay. To be with him. She nodded again, leaving streaky wet spots across his shirt. She inhaled his rich scent, memorizing it, feeling the heated imprint of him against her cheek.

  His fingers sank into her hair, tilting her head back so she had no choice but to look at him. Tears blurred her vision, turning his image gray and watery like a fading photograph. His strong thumbs wiped her cheeks. “I’ll miss you.” His lips were on hers, whisper soft and achingly tender.

  I’ll miss you too. She willed herself to say the words but she couldn’t. All she could do was nod again, like a silent fool.

  “Do you want me to stay?” he asked. “I could help you pack. Drive you to the airport tomorrow.” He shifted, his body language tense and uncomfortable. She could already feel the distance growing between them.

  “No.” She finally found her voice and it said the opposite of what she wanted. Her heart was screaming, “Yes, stay, promise me we’ll work something out,” but she couldn’t say any of it. “I’ll be fine.” The lie came out with surprising ease.

  “Okay.” He stepped back, his hand raking through his hair. “I guess this is…” He cleared his throat, rocking back on his heels, then meeting her eyes, his stare darker than she’d ever seen it. “Is this it?”

  “I think so.”

  He reached out, sweeping his fingers along the side of her face. “I love you.”

  She choked down the tears that were clogging her throat. “I love you too.”

  He kissed her lightly on the forehead, and she closed her eyes, wishing that when she opened them she’d find that this had all been some horrible anxiety dream. “Goodbye, Kay.”

  Her eyelids fluttered open just in time for her to see his tall silhouette disappear down her stairs and out of her life. Goodbye, James. Hot tears streamed down her face as she heard his car start and quickly back down the crunchy gravel driveway. That’s it. He’s gone.

  James pulled into the restaurant parking lot, not even sure what he was doing there. That’s it? He couldn’t wrap his brain around what had happened. Did we actually break up?

  The sick feeling in his stomach told him he already knew the truth. They had. Her words repeated in his head. “I understand if having a girlfriend who’s only around a few weeks a year doesn’t work for you.” Everything after that was sort of a blur.

  She’s choosing work. Just like Patricia. Christ. He rubbed his forehead, trying to quiet all his thoughts. You’ve got a restaurant opening in two weeks, you don’t have time for this shit. He slammed the door to his truck and headed inside. This was his life now, this was where he needed to focus all his energy. His dream. It just felt a lot less perfect than he hoped.

  The next several days passed in a whirlwind of activities. Swarms of people were in and out of the restaurant all day long, delivering menus, food, the final linens. The staff was humming along nicely, becoming a cohesive bunch. Everything was going off without a hitch. James found himself wishing something would go wrong so he’d have to troubleshoot. Anything to take his mind further off Kay. He’d stopped himself from going back to her place the night she left. Barely. He’d driven by her house three times and almost pulled into her driveway twice before convincing himself that he was acting like a stalker and needed to get a goddamned grip.

  The entire next day he’d kept busy, trying not to think about her packing up, heading to the airport, leaving for real. For him she was already gone. She hadn’t given him any indication that she’d so much as thought twice about accepting this job. He wasn’t stupid. It was clear she’d made her choice.

  He sent everyone home early. They’d earned an evening off before the craziness of the opening week was upon them. James grabbed a beer and settled in to go over his schedule. He’d talked to reviewers at several of the local papers and needed to keep his head on straight as to who was coming when. It was work he could have done from home, but being in his apartment made him miss Kay more, which just made him feel pathetic. Even his home didn’t feel right any more.

  He finished the beer and was about to get another when he heard the kitchen door slam. “Hey, bro. What are you still doing here? I heard you gave everyone else the night off.”

  Dave headed straight to the glass-doored fridge, helping himself to a beer. “You want one?”

  “Yeah.” James took the beer and cracked it open, taking a long, cold swallow.

  Dave eyed him. “What’s up with you?”

  “Nothing.”

  “You’re living at this place. Why don’t you take a break? Where’s Kay anyway?”

  Hearing her name hurt. “She’s gone.” He took another swallow and walked back into the office, not in the mood to deal with Dave.

  “Gone?” He followed a step behind, flopping down on the sofa. “Gone where?”

  “She took a job offer. A big one.”

  “Oh.” Dave scraped at the label on his beer, little bits of paper tumbling into his lap. “When’s she due back?”

  James shrugged. “Never.”

  Dave paused mid swallow. “What do you mean never?”

  “We broke up, okay? Look, can we talk about something else? Or not at all? I’ve got stuff to do.”

  Dave put his beer on the desk. “Are you shitting me? What do you mean broke up?”

  James felt his jaw locking. “Is there something about the concept that’s confusing?”

  “When we’re talking about you and Kay then hell yeah, there is. Jesus, James. You’re in love with this woman. What the hell happened?”

  “Nothing. She got a job offer. She took it. She’s got the house on the market. Once it sells she’
s got no reason to come back.”

  Dave shook his head. “What do you mean no reason? She’s crazy about you.”

  “Well, I guess that’s not enough.” Spelling this all out for Dave was draining what little energy James had. Not to mention giving him a headache.

  “This makes no sense.”

  “Yeah, tell me about it.” James rubbed his eyes and raked his hands through his hair.

  “Geez. I’m sorry.” Dave sounded so sincere it brought the gravity of the situation crashing down onto James. It sat on his chest like a lead weight, making breathing seem difficult.

  James shrugged and took another sip of beer.

  “You gonna tell me what happened?”

  He considered saying no. A rehash wasn’t what he had in mind. But he’d have to tell him eventually. “The shoot she went on last week turned into a huge offer. Some Canadian tourism board contract. She’d mentioned it might happen and that if it did she’d have to travel a lot. I assumed she meant she’d travel a lot and be back here in between trips.”

  “But she’s got the house.”

  “Yeah, well, she accepted the job and apparently got a call from Rhonda about there being a lot of interest in the house. She’s selling. Which means there’s not going to be a here to come back to.”

  “She’s gotta live somewhere in between.”

  James drained the last of his beer and set it down with a thud. “Well, I guess it’s going to be somewhere else. She told me she was sure I didn’t want a part-time girlfriend who was only here once in a blue moon. I got the hint.”

  “What hint?”

  “She was giving me an out. She doesn’t want to drag this out over months, watching it disintegrate. She wanted it over now.”

  Dave scratched his neck. “Did you ask her not to go?”

  “What? No. I told her I wanted her to be happy.”

  “Oh geez.” Dave rolled his eyes. “You can’t say shit like that to a woman.”

  James had the urge to pummel him. “I can’t tell her I want her to be happy? What the hell kind of rule is that?”