4 Waxing & Waning

by Amanda M. Lee

  “What’s going on?”

  Kelsey jumped when she heard my voice, swiveling to face us. “Oh, good, you’re here.”

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Well, Tally here decided she would get the biggest room since she was here first,” Kelsey said. “I told her that wasn’t fair, and we should draw straws or something.”

  I looked Kelsey up and down. She looked the same. Her hair was still long, halfway down her back, and her fiery green eyes were full of undisguised loathing. It seemed bonding with the new roommates wasn’t going well.

  “Does it really matter?” Since I’d paid money to snag the biggest dorm room last year, even I was surprised by my utter lack of interest in haggling over bedrooms.

  “As it stands now, you and Paris will have the two rooms on the main floor,” Kelsey said. “I didn’t think you would want those.”

  I thought about it. “Actually, I’m fine with it,” I said. “Being on the main floor means that I’ll have two options for escape should it become necessary.”

  Kelsey blanched. “Do you think it will become necessary?”

  “I hope not,” I said. “I’m not taking any chances.”

  Paris nodded. “I’m fine with it, too. We’ll probably be happier down there away from … all of this.”

  Kelsey frowned. “I hadn’t thought of that.”

  I peered over her shoulder, taking in the tall girl sitting on the floor in the middle of the bedroom. Her auburn hair was long, and she had high cheekbones and a sculpted nose. She looked like a model, her face buried under a layer of makeup so thick it looked caked on, and her smile was suspiciously wide. I could already tell she was going to drive me crazy.

  “I’m Zoe,” I introduced myself. “This is Paris.”

  “I’m Tally,” the girl replied, not bothering to get to her feet. I’d seen her before, although I’d barely spoken to her. That was starting to look like a mistake. “This is going to be a great year, girl.”

  I rubbed my tongue over my teeth. “Yeah, it’s going to be totally rad.”

  Kelsey hid her smile behind her hand, while Paris’ shoulders shook with silent laughter.

  “Totally,” Tally agreed, obviously missing the sarcastic silence the three of us were mired in.

  “Where’s the other one?” I asked.

  “You mean Kristy?”

  “Yeah, her.”

  “She’s in her bedroom.” Kelsey gestured for me to follow her. “You’re going to love her.”

  Oh, I couldn’t wait.

  When we got to the next door, we paused outside. The girl in this room was tall, too. She had long, blonde hair, and most of it curled around her shoulders in ringlets that could only be acquired with a home perm. Her cheeks were rounded and flecked with freckles, and her eyes were clear and blue.

  “Hi,” she greeted us, waving from the desk she was organizing. “I’m Kristy.”

  Paris and I introduced ourselves and then waited. Kristy seemed fairly normal – at least so far.

  “Wow, I can’t tell you how glad I am to meet you guys,” Kristy said. “I was worried you would be Goths or something.”

  I pursed my lips together. “Goths?”

  Kristy lowered her voice. “You know, devil worshippers.”

  “Oh, right, Goths,” I said, exchanging a look with Paris. Living on the first floor – away from Tally and Kristy – was looking like an inspired choice. “So, um, we have to finish moving our stuff in. We’ll all … catch up later.”

  Kelsey shot me a scorching look, but she disappeared into the far bedroom. Once we were back on the main floor, Paris and I couldn’t contain our giggles.

  “I thought you said this was going to be a good year?” I said.

  “We don’t know it will be a bad one,” Paris replied. “We just know Tally and Kristy are … unique.”

  “Oh, well, that’s a nice word for it.”

  Once our laughter subsided, I took a deep breath. That was the first time I’d managed to chuckle out loud since killing Laura. It felt good. It didn’t feel normal, but it felt like … a relief.

  Paris must have read the expression on my face. “How are you?”

  I lifted my hands, palms up, and shrugged. “I’m a work in progress. How are things at home?”

  “Tense,” Paris said. “Laura’s mom didn’t take her disappearance too well.”

  “D-d-does she know?”

  “That Laura is dead? I don’t think so. How could she know?”

  “She must have suspicions,” I said.

  “She probably does, to some extent at least,” Paris said. “She has no idea what the truth is. She couldn’t. I’m not telling, and no one else at home knows.”

  “But … for her to just disappear like that … that’s probably not normal for Laura.”

  “I don’t think either one of us knows what normal was for Laura,” Paris said. “I think that Laura was beyond normal for a really long time. What happened wasn’t your fault. It was Laura’s.”

  “I know,” I said. “Rafael told me the same thing every day over the summer.”

  “So, he really did spend the whole summer with you,” Paris mused. “I wondered if that would take.”

  “Why?”

  “Because of Aric.”

  Hearing someone else say his name was like a dagger to my heart. “What about him?”

  “Zoe, you can lie to yourself all you want,” Paris said. “I know that you loved him.”

  “I never told him I loved him.”

  “That’s a distinction you’ve made in your head,” Paris said. “I know you did – and I think you probably still do.”

  “Well, I don’t. He lied to me. He betrayed me.”

  “He did,” Paris agreed. “I’m just not sure if he meant to.”

  “What is that supposed to mean?”

  “It means that Aric was in a tough spot,” Paris said. “He literally could not go against his pack. I think he was doing the very best he could to keep you safe and remain loyal to them at the same time. I don’t know how he could win.”

  “But I’m the one who lost,” I said, my voice barely a whisper.

  “He lost, too.”

  “I … I can’t think about him.”

  Paris patted my arm. “I know. So, are you and Rafael dating now?”

  I shook my head, my blonde hair brushing my shoulders. “I don’t know. I don’t think so.”

  Paris arched an eyebrow, waiting for me to continue.

  “He’s kind of like a worried father all of the time,” I said. “I mean … I’m attracted to him in a way. But … .”

  “But?”

  “He’s cold and distant sometimes, and I don’t just mean his demeanor,” I said. “His skin is … cold. He looks down on people because he doesn’t think they’re mature enough. He’s just … irritating.”

  “Well, he probably looks down on people our age because he’s been around for hundreds of years,” Paris said. “To him, we must seem awfully naïve and immature.”

  “I guess.”

  “Let me ask you something,” Paris said. “Are you keeping Rafael at arm’s length because of him and his attitude? Really? Or are you keeping him at a safe distance because your heart belongs with someone else?”

  “Aric isn’t an option for me,” I said, my voice firm. “We can’t go back, and there’s no way to move forward. It is what it is.”

  “Okay,” Paris said, holding her hands up in mock surrender. “I just want you to be happy.”

  I did, too. It just didn’t seem like a possibility right now.

  Three

  “What does your class schedule look like?”

  It was the next day, and Paris and I were lounging on the couch watching television.

  I glanced at the sheet of paper in my hand. “I have three on Mondays and Wednesdays and two on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”

  “Anything good?”

  I shrugged. “I have creative writing and editorial wri
ting, both of which I’m looking forward to.”

  “You do like to write,” Paris said. “Do you have a science class this semester?”

  “Yeah. Oceanography.”

  Paris furrowed her brow. “I have that, too.”

  We compared class schedules, finding relief in the ordinary.

  “Well, at least we have a class together.”

  “I hope it’s better than Astronomy,” I said, referring to the class we’d both taken freshman year to fill our science requirement. The idea of cutting up a frog held zero appeal for both of us.

  “There aren’t any oceans around here,” Paris said. “That means we won’t be out in the frigid cold doing labs this time.”

  That was definitely a bonus. “I’m just excited to have my Fridays free,” I said. “It’s good being high enough in the pecking order to get first dibs on classes.”

  “That’s for sure,” Paris said.

  We both turned our attention back to the television, the sound of slamming doors on the second floor dragging our gazes to the ceiling. “Who do you think is fighting now?”

  Paris shrugged. “Tally seems to hate Kristy – and Kristy seems a little too slow to notice,” she said. “Kelsey seems to hate them both.”

  Part of me felt bad for Kelsey. The other part was glad she was the one living upstairs. “Do you want to get out of here?”

  “Sure. Where do you want to go?”

  “We could go to the UC,” I said, referring to the University Center, where the bookstore and coffee shop were located. “I need one book, and I could use some coffee.”

  “That sounds good to me,” Paris said, getting to her feet. “Let me grab some shoes.”

  Five minutes later, we were heading out the front door when a voice stilled us from the top of the stairs. “Where are you two going?”

  Kelsey was standing there staring at me when I turned around. “The UC. You’ll forgive us if the constant yelling isn’t conducive to a restful environment.”

  “I’m going with you.”

  I nodded, sighing. “Hurry up.”

  Unfortunately for us, our happy little trio had expanded by the time we left the house. Tally and Kristy insisted on going, calling it a “bonding experience” for the house. The only thing I wanted to be bonded with was space from the two of them. I didn’t say that out loud – even though I was tempted to do just that.

  The UC is located on a corner lot at the center of campus between two class halls and the library. It’s the hub of life at Covenant College. It was also where I met Aric for the first time, and as we neared the building, that thought was at the forefront of my brain.

  When we got inside, we separated – thankfully – and went our separate ways. I found the book for my oceanography class right away, purchased it, and then settled at a table in the coffee shop to wait for Paris and Kelsey. It didn’t take them long.

  “What’s wrong?”

  Kelsey was scowling and, although she often had that expression on her face, it looked particularly ugly right now.

  “I don’t like Tally,” she said, pulling out a chair and huffing dramatically as she sat down.

  “Me either,” I said. “Maybe we can form a club?”

  “We can get shirts made up,” Paris teased, sipping from her cup of coffee. “They can say something like ‘Tally the Terrible.’”

  “Or Tally the talented … .”

  Paris cut me off with a look. “Let’s try not to get vulgar.”

  “How do you know I was going to get vulgar?”

  “I know,” Paris said.

  I rolled my eyes, a thought suddenly occurring to me. “Hey, I forgot to ask – what with all the excitement of moving in and getting to know our new roommates – but how are things with Mark?”

  Mark was Paris’ boyfriend. He was also part of the monster-hunting academy on campus. He was a nice guy, friendly and outgoing. I was still leery of him due to his association with the group, although Paris seemed fond of him.

  “He’s okay.” Paris averted her eyes.

  “It doesn’t sound like things are okay,” I pressed. “It sounds like you’re having second thoughts.”

  “It’s not that … oh, I don’t know,” Paris said. “He’s just so … easy.”

  I raised my eyebrows in question.

  “You know, he’s always so agreeable,” Paris said. “I don’t want to fight all of the time, but I don’t want someone who just agrees with everything I want to do either.”

  “I want a guy who will do exactly what I tell him to do,” Kelsey said. “I like to boss people around.”

  “I hadn’t noticed,” I deadpanned, causing Paris to giggle.

  Kelsey pursed her lips. “Hey, I’m just being honest.”

  “Honesty is a good thing,” I said. “Trust me.”

  “What about that guy who showed up last night?” Kelsey asked. “Do you trust him?”

  “Rafael? Yeah.”

  “He didn’t seem very friendly,” Kelsey said.

  “He’s something of a loner.”

  “And where did you meet him?”

  “At a party freshman year,” I said.

  “He’s hot.”

  “He is.”

  “Then why don’t you seem more interested in him?” Kelsey asked, her eyes thoughtful. “He just kind of watched you all night while we watched television.”

  “I’m interested in him,” I hedged. “I’m just not rushing into anything again.”

  “Because of Aric?”

  “Because I’m just not rushing into anything,” I said. “I don’t feel like being tied down right now.”

  That wasn’t a lie. It wasn’t really the truth either. As soon as I figured out the truth surrounding my needs and wants, I had a feeling everyone would be better off.

  “And you’re completely over Aric?” Kelsey pressed.

  I shifted my eyes. “I’m completely over him.”

  Kelsey leaned back in her chair. “Well, that’s good,” she said. “Because he’s right over there.”

  I jerked my head, my gaze following the line of Kelsey’s pointed finger, sucking in a breath when I saw him. He didn’t look good. He was still as handsome as ever, something told me he always would be, but his appealing countenance was much more haggard than the last time I’d laid eyes on him.

  He was wearing a simple, black T-shirt and blue jeans, and his broad shoulders were stooped. His hair was longer than I remembered, like it hadn’t been cut in months, and his chin was flecked with at least several days’ worth of stubble.

  As if he could feel my eyes on him, he lifted his head – turning from the boy he was talking to – and finding me in the busy room. For a second, it was like all of the oxygen had been stolen from the room, like everyone else ceased to exist. After a few moments, I let out a shaky breath, finally remembering to breathe.

  “He looks bad,” Kelsey said. “I think he’s lost weight.”

  I’d noticed that, too. The man who I shared everything with the previous year looked haunted – and that realization tugged at my heart. When he started moving in my direction, I felt my heart rate increase.

  “Oh, he’s coming over here,” Paris said.

  “I noticed,” I replied, my tone grim.

  “When was the last time you talked to him?” Kelsey asked.

  “That night.”

  “He hasn’t tried to contact you?”

  Oh, he’d tried. He’d called every day for a week. I’d ignored each attempt. Then, on four different occasions during the summer, I’d seen his number pop up on my cell-phone screen. I’d deleted the voicemails without listening to them. It was easier somehow – and harder at the same time.

  Aric paused near the table, clutching his hands together as he regarded the three of us. “Hey.”

  “Hey,” Paris said. “How are you?”

  Aric ran his hand through his hair, clearly unsure of himself. He was nothing like the ego-driven cad I’d met the first time
I’d visited the UC. “I’m … okay.”

  “That’s good,” Paris said, glancing at me. “How was your summer?”

  “Long,” Aric said. “It was long. How was your summer?”

  “Just a regular summer,” Paris said.

  I was trying to find my voice – although the endeavor was apparently fruitless. There were a bevy of things trying to escape my mouth, but none of them could quite make the trek.

  “That’s good,” Aric said, his brown eyes searching my face. “How about you, Kelsey? How was your summer?”

  “Boys and beer,” Kelsey said. “Pretty much a typical summer.”

  “That’s good,” Aric said. “It sounds like you had fun. And you, Zoe? How was your summer?”

  I licked my lips, my mouth dry. “It was a summer.”

  “Not a good summer?”

  The truth was, the previous summer, the one I’d spent with him, had been the best of my life. There was no way I was telling him that. “It was just a summer,” I said. “Work. Some parties on the eighteenth green of the golf course. Jen. You know the drill.”

  “I do,” Aric agreed. “Nothing else happened?”

  “Nothing of consequence,” I said.

  “I … um … can we go somewhere and talk?”

  The hopeful look on his face almost broke me. Almost. “We are somewhere,” I said. “I’m not sure there’s anything for us to talk about.”

  “I think there is.”

  “Really?” I challenged. “What can you possibly say to me that changes what happened?”

  Aric swallowed hard. “I can’t change what happened,” he said. “I just want to find a way to make you understand my side of things. I want to make you … .”

  “What? Forgive you?”

  “Yes,” Aric rasped. “I need you to forgive me. I … miss you.”

  Tears were prickling my eyes, and I fought hard to tamp down the emotion flowing through me. He seemed lost – and I didn’t like seeing him that way. That didn’t mean I could forget – or even forgive – what had happened. “I can’t do what you want,” I said, getting to my feet.

  Kelsey and Paris wordlessly followed my lead.

  “Just … give me a chance,” Aric said, reaching out a hand toward me.

  I jerked back. If he touched me, I was afraid I would give in and tell him that everything was forgiven. “I can’t,” I said, my voice breaking. “I can’t trust you.”