by Mandy Magro
‘I feel like I’m going to faint, what if I faint?’ Samara grabbed hold of Matilda’s hand, her grip now vice-like as her legs began to shake.
Matilda tried to act nonchalant. ‘So what if you do?’
‘I’ll look like an idiot. Everyone will think I’m a weirdo.’
‘So what? Who cares what people think. Come on, just try it and say it with me, sweetheart. Say, “So what.”’
‘So what,’ Samara whispered.
‘Say it louder,’ Matilda replied with vigour.
‘So what,’ Samara said a little louder.
‘Good job.’ Matilda tried to encourage her through it. ‘Say it again, with more passion this time.’
Samara did, so loud she almost screamed it. She glanced around to make sure nobody was watching.
‘Great, now try and stop fighting the panic attack and instead move through it.’
‘That’s crazy. I can’t, I just can’t,’ Samara said a little angrily.
‘Yes you can. You can do anything you set your mind to.’ Matilda was relieved to see that Samara had fire in her belly, because she knew that anger helped to diffuse anxiety. ‘Say over and over, “I accept and allow this anxious feeling”, and when you do, I want you to imagine the anxiety is like an old friend you’re inviting into your home. Or maybe even make it a cartoon character, like the Tassie Devil or Donald Duck.’
Begrudgingly, Samara did what was asked of her, her words becoming a little stronger each time she repeated the mantra.
‘Good. Excellent. Now get excited about having a panic attack.’
Samara gave Matilda a sideways glance. ‘What?’
‘Say to yourself you’re excited about this feeling, and tell the anxiety to bring it on, so you can turn the nervous energy into excitement.’
‘Really? I don’t like the sound of that.’
‘Yes, really, trust me, it works.’ Matilda watched on, her heart heavy. She wished she could snap her fingers and take the panic attack away for Samara, but it had to be done from within. Sadly, anxiety was something nobody else could fix for you.
‘Go on anxiety, bring it on and give me what you’ve got,’ Samara said heatedly.
Matilda nodded. ‘Keep saying it.’
After saying it a few more times Samara actually smiled through her tears. ‘Oh my God, I think it’s working.’ She clutched at her chest. ‘My heart is still racing but I feel a little calmer, less scared of it.’
Matilda wanted to do a happy dance but refrained, instead flashing Samara a massive smile as she gave her hands a squeeze. ‘See, I told you.’ She looked down at Samara’s legs, and noticed they had stopped trembling. ‘Do you want to have a little walk around, maybe see if we can spot some birds in the trees or something. It’ll help to distract you from thinking, and it’s the last step of the Dare response. That’s the name of this process.’
Still holding Matilda’s hand tightly, Samara nodded as she chewed on her lower lip. ‘I’m feeling a bit queasy in my belly.’
‘You will be. You just went through the same feeling you would if a lion was about to eat you alive. That’s just all the adrenaline settling.’
They wandered around the pretty gardens at the front of the CWA hall, then Samara stopped. Reaching out she wrapped her arms around Matilda. ‘Thank you.’ She began to sob. ‘You have no idea how much you just helped me.’
Matilda hugged her back. ‘Oh believe me, I do. My mum did the same thing for me a few years back.’
‘Does your mum have anxiety too?’ Stepping back, Samara sniffled and wiped her puffy eyes.
Matilda sighed softly. ‘No, she didn’t. She just never gave up on the hope that she would be able to help me past it.’
‘Well, I need to thank your mum for helping you so much because now you’re able to help me.’
‘That’s lovely of you to say, Samara, but my mother has passed away.’
Samara covered her gaping mouth. ‘Oh my God, Tilly, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.’
Matilda reached out and lightly rubbed Samara’s arms. ‘That’s okay.’
Samara shook her head sadly. ‘It’s so hard, losing your mum, hey?’
‘Yes, it is. I miss her every single day.’
‘I miss my mum every day too. The way she died, it eats me up inside every single second of every single day.’
Matilda found it strange Samara didn’t mention missing her father. She felt driven to ask how Regan had died, but just as she was about to, their bonding moment was interrupted.
‘Oh, there you both are.’ Lisa rushed over to them, yoga mats under each arm—Matilda had borrowed hers from the teacher. ‘I only just noticed you were both missing from the class.’ She spotted Samara’s red eyes. ‘Oh, love, did you have another panic attack?’
Samara nodded. ‘But this time Matilda helped me through it, and oh, Nanna, it was scary but it worked.’
Lisa tenderly cupped Samara’s cheek. ‘Really? Oh, sweetheart, that’s so wonderful to hear.’ She turned to Matilda. ‘Thank you for coming out after her. I feel terrible I didn’t see her leaving.’
‘I’m just glad I was here to help.’ Matilda smiled towards Samara. ‘It took a lot of courage to follow through with everything I was telling you to do. So make sure you give yourself a big pat on the back.’
‘I couldn’t have done it without you, Tilly.’
‘Maybe not this time, but you will be able to now you know what to do. The Dare response isn’t an instant cure … it takes work and lots of courage. But I promise it won’t be long before panic attacks don’t scare you ever again. We’ll have to order you the book, so you can read all about it. It will help you to understand what’s happening better, and there are even apps you can use on your phone while you’re going through an attack.’
Samara nodded. ‘I’d really like that. Thank you.’
‘I think this calls for a celebration,’ Lisa said excitedly as she looked back and forth from Matilda to Samara. ‘Lunch is my shout and after we have had our healthy salads we’re going to be naughty and eat a big slice of chocolate cake each.’
They had just finished their extra large slices of death-by-chocolate mud cake with both whipped cream and vanilla-bean ice-cream when Ryan burst into the cafe, his face and hands still covered in grease. Matilda looked up as he hurried towards them. She noticed a few other customers also staring at him—their whispers too low to hear what they were saying but their glowers spoke volumes. What was their problem? How could anyone have something negative to say about a man who was so kind and caring? She instinctively wanted to stomp over and ask them, to defend Ryan, but before she could think any more about it he was standing in front of her. Her heart beat faster when she saw the deep concern in his eyes.
Lisa was on her feet in seconds, asking if something had happened to Jake or Peter, her face pale and her eyes wide.
Ryan reached out and touched her arm. ‘No, Mum, they’re both fine.’
Lisa placed her hands over her heart. ‘Oh, thank God.’ Her hands went to her hips. ‘Well what’s wrong then? You look terrible.’
He turned his gaze to Matilda. ‘Troy is coming to town to pick the car up today.’
Matilda felt her face drain of all colour. ‘When?’
Lisa offered him a seat but Ryan remained standing, hands shoved in his pockets. ‘I don’t know the exact time.’
With a wave of terror threatening to engulf her, Matilda glanced around the packed cafe, her racing heart now in her throat. She had been having such a lovely time with Lisa and Samara that she’d forgotten all about her problems. But bam, they were back in full throttle. She scanned every face, every turned back, every lowered head. What if Troy had wandered in here and she hadn’t noticed—how careless of her. The walls began to close in and she desperately wanted to get back to the safety of Heartsong. ‘Where’s Sergeant Fuller?’ Her voice was shaking almost as much as her hands.
‘He’s down at the station. He said he’ll let us k
now once Troy drives out of town.’
‘Okay, good.’ Matilda’s mind was racing, as was her pulse, but she didn’t want to frighten Samara so she used every bit of strength she had to calm herself. Grabbing the glass of water in front of her, she gulped it down. Another trick for anxiety was drinking water. There were so many ways to defeat the enemy.
Lisa finally sat back down. ‘Why didn’t you ring me, instead of driving all the way in here, Ryan … it would have been a lot faster, you know.’
‘I’ve tried to ring you twenty million times, Mum, but you didn’t answer. Besides, I don’t want you three in here on your own. If Troy comes anywhere near Tilly I want to be here to protect her.’
Matilda caught Lisa flashing Ryan a very concerned look before she rifled through her handbag and pulled out her mobile. ‘Here we go.’ She held it up—there were fifteen missed calls from Ryan. ‘Oh bugger, I forgot I put it on silent for the yoga class.’
Samara leant in. ‘Can someone tell me who Troy is? Should I be worried?’
Her shaking now under control Matilda reached out and placed her steady hand over Samara’s on the table. ‘Troy is my ex and I borrowed his car to get here so he’s just coming to town to pick it up. Sadly, he’s not a very nice person to me, so your Uncle Ryan wants to make sure I’m safe and well, that’s all …’ She turned to Ryan, her heart melting for him that little bit more. She had never felt so protected in all her life by a man. ‘Which is very thoughtful of him.’
Ryan returned her intense gaze, so much passing between them in a matter of seconds; things that would never be spoken out loud for fear of their desires winning over.
Samara turned in her seat to face Ryan. ‘Is Troy mean like Dad was, Uncle Ryan?’
In two strides Ryan was beside Samara. He shook his head as though angry with himself. ‘Oh, sweetheart, I’m sorry if I’ve scared you.’ He put a reassuring hand on her shoulder. ‘I promise you have nothing to worry about, okay?’
Samara nodded a little unsurely. ‘Okay, if you say so.’
Samara’s father was mean? Matilda was finding it hard not to ask what they were talking about. But now wasn’t the time. Would it ever be the right time to ask something that was clearly very upsetting for Ryan and his family?
Lisa stood and gathered her things from the table, quickly putting them in her oversized bag. ‘Right then, you two lovely ladies, we best get ourselves home.’ She smiled at Matilda and Samara, then gave Ryan a stern look. ‘That goes for you too, Ryan. There’s no need for you to stick around town, is there?’
‘Don’t worry, Mum, I’m going to head back to Heartsong so I can be with Tilly.’
Lisa slung her bag over her shoulder. ‘Good.’
Matilda’s chair scraped along the floor as she stood up on jelly legs. ‘I might drive home with Ryan, Lisa, if that’s okay with you.’
‘Of course it is, love. Give me a call later to let me know how you’re going, all right?’
‘Will do.’ Matilda gave Lisa a quick peck on the cheek. ‘Thank you for a lovely day. I’ve really enjoyed myself.’ She then turned to Samara. ‘It was so nice getting to know you a little better, Samara. I hope we can hang out again sometime soon. Remember, you’re welcome to come and visit Huckleberry anytime.’
Samara smiled. ‘Thanks, Tilly.’
CHAPTER
14
Ryan waited for Matilda to buckle up her seatbelt before reversing out of the parking space he had luckily scored right at the front of the cafe. He could see her hands quivering and he wanted to take her into his arms and comfort her. But after last night he needed to pull on the reins a bit. He couldn’t risk crossing the line again; she had made it very clear she didn’t want that. ‘Are you feeling okay, Tilly?’
Matilda offered him a wobbly smile as she took her usual position with her legs folded up beneath her in the passenger seat. ‘Not really, but I’ve just got to hope that Troy will get his junk heap and go straight back to Shadow Creek Station, never to be seen again.’
‘That’s a good thing to hope for.’
‘Yeah, but when it comes to Troy, believe me, anything is possible.’
Ryan gripped the steering wheel tighter. ‘If he doesn’t leave town straight away he’ll have me to deal with.’
Matilda reached out and touched his thigh, her fingers feeling like flames through the denim. ‘Ryan, please, I don’t want you getting involved. I appreciate you taking care of me, and I do feel a lot safer by being with you, but if anything happens, let the police handle it. Please promise me you’ll at least do that.’
‘Uh huh.’ He desperately needed to change the subject because he wasn’t going to make promises he couldn’t keep. He rubbed his stubble as he glanced sideways. ‘You and Samara seem to have bonded quickly.’
‘Yeah, she’s a beautiful girl. I suppose we have a lot in common so it’s easy to relate to one another.’
‘True. She doesn’t usually get too close to people, especially since her mum’s death, so it’s nice to see her looking so comfortable with you so quickly.’
‘I think helping her through a massive panic attack today broke the ice pretty quickly.’
His brows shot up. ‘You did?’
‘Yup, and she was super brave and came out the other side with a better understanding of what’s been happening to her, which is half the battle. So now, hopefully, when she is faced with another one, as she will be, she will know what to do to diffuse it rather than being terrified. Fear feeds fear. The trick is to face it head on, like anything in life you’re afraid of, really.’
‘Wow, Tilly, that’s amazing.’ His eyes watered and he quickly blinked back the tears. He was a man, and men didn’t cry, especially in front of women. ‘Mum has taken her to so many doctors and counsellors, and psychologists. You name it, Mum has tried it. Nobody has been able to get her to open up, let alone help her to understand what’s going on enough to be able to start dealing with it.’
‘See, that’s what I found too. As well meaning and highly trained as all the therapists were, they were too focussed on the underlying problems and tried to make me talk about things, which most teenagers don’t want to do. Instead they should have shown me ways to face the fear. The Dare program does just that in such a simple way.’
‘I’ve tried to read up on anxiety and panic attacks, so I can somehow help Samara, but having never been through anything like it, it’s hard to grasp what’s happening and how to fix it.’ He sighed. ‘I suppose it’s like all those people who are scared of spiders or snakes and they make them face their fear by wrapping a snake over their shoulders or placing a spider in their hand.’ He briefly turned to Tilly. ‘Am I right in thinking that’s the way to fix panic attacks too?’
‘Yup, you’re spot on. It’s like any fear. I’m so relieved my mum discovered the program, otherwise I might still be hiding in the house, too afraid to go anywhere.’
‘Oh, Tilly, you were that bad, huh?’
‘Sure was, even hearing the postman pull up outside used to make me shake to bits. I’d let the fear get so much power that everything scared the hell out of me. That’s when the body starts playing really bad games with you, and you start thinking weird things. I started worrying about hurting people I love because I might lose my mind in some split-second of insanity and not know what I was doing.’
Ryan was struggling to understand. ‘What do you mean by hurting the ones you love? How?’
‘I’m afraid if I tell you, you’ll think I’m a weirdo.’
‘Trust me, Tilly, I know you’re a beautiful person, inside and out, so I’m not going to judge you.’
‘Promise?’
‘I promise.’
Matilda offered him a grateful smile then looked down at her hands clasped tightly in her lap. ‘Whenever I held a knife I was worried I was going to have a moment of psychosis and go on a stabbing spree. Or if I was driving I was afraid I was going to lose it and smash into a family and kill them all, or drive off
the edge of a cliff and kill myself. It’s the mind’s way of coping with all the stress.’ She looked up at him. ‘I hated feeling like that and thought I was never going to get better, but thanks to Mum helping me to stay focused on healing myself, I did. I’m so pleased I can help others going through it, like Samara.’
‘I’m sorry I didn’t meet you earlier so I could have been there for you while you were going through such a hard time.’
‘Thanks, Ryan, but it matters one hell of a lot that we’ve crossed paths and you’re here for me now. I really believe fate played a massive hand in you being the one to pick me up that night.’
Ryan smiled. ‘Yeah, me too.’ Now almost through the main street of town, he came to a stop at the last pedestrian crossing before turning out onto the highway and towards Heartsong, his focus still on Matilda and their conversation. He was shocked to see her rip her seatbelt off and huddle to the floor.
‘What are you doing, Tilly?’
‘Oh my God, Ryan, I think he saw me.’
‘Who?’
She pointed over the dash from the safety of the floor. ‘Troy, he’s on the footpath. Is he looking at us?’
The old man Ryan had stopped for was only halfway over the crossing, his walking frame edging in front of him, so Ryan couldn’t take off to avoid coming eye to eye with Troy. He turned to where Matilda was pointing, to a bloke in his mid-twenties, with scruffy black hair and long lanky limbs. He was looking Ryan directly in the eyes, a smirk curling his thin lips. Ryan returned the glare, the pure hatred in his eyes hidden by his sunglasses. Oh yeah, there was no doubt in his mind that Troy had spotted Matilda, but he wasn’t about to tell her that, she was under enough stress as it was.
‘No, I don’t reckon he saw you. But to be on the safe side stay on the floor until we get out of town, okay?’
‘Yes, okay.’ Her voice was as meek as a mouse and Ryan hated the effect Troy had on her.
The old bloke finally reached the other side of the road. Troy tipped his hat to Ryan as he began to drive off, as if letting him know he would be seeing him. Red rage flashed through Ryan and he fought the urge to jump out of the Landcruiser and grab Troy by the scruff of his shirt. With his forearm resting out the open window he held Troy’s stare as long as he safely could. If looks could kill, Troy would have been dead on the spot. Then Ryan hit the accelerator and within half a minute was heading towards the outskirts of town and the freedom of the highway.