by Mandy Magro
‘I can answer that one, if you like.’ Ryan’s croaky voice came from behind them.
With her heart feeling as though it would leap out of her mouth Matilda spun around to see him leaning up against the doorway of the darkened lounge room, looking as sexy as ever. Gloriously shirtless, as per usual, the jeans he wore out last night were slung low beneath his six-pack abs and his wayward hair showed signs of a sleepless night. ‘Oh, Ryan, hi, I thought …’
‘You thought I was with Pippa in my bedroom?’ His eyebrows rose.
Matilda shrugged, a little annoyed at his question. ‘Well, yes, why wouldn’t I?’
‘Because I’m not an idiot, unlike most men … but thank you for pointing out that fact to Samara.’ He drew in a breath. ‘Pippa actually gave me a lift home because I was too drunk to drive. Then she came in to use the toilet, and when she went to leave her car wouldn’t start, which is the reason it’s parked outside. I called her a taxi and while we were waiting for it I must have passed out on the couch.’ He rubbed his lower back. ‘And FYI, that couch is bloody awful to sleep on so don’t ever try it.’
‘I’ll keep that in mind,’ Matilda mumbled.
Ryan turned to Samara. ‘G’day there my gorgeous and incredibly insightful niece. You’re looking very bright and cheerful today—nice to see.’
‘Hi, Uncle Ryan.’ She grimaced. ‘Sorry for calling you an idiot.’
Ryan gave her a warm smile. ‘No offense taken.’ He folded his arms as though shielding himself. ‘I am very aware I have an amazing woman living in my midst, but thanks to you too for pointing that out, Samara.’
Neither Matilda nor Samara replied, leaving the three of them standing in an awkward silence.
Thankfully, Huckleberry emerged from the lounge room, creating a welcomed distraction. Still half asleep, the dog yawned and went into the downward dog position. Then, spotting Samara he leapt to life and scurried towards her. Samara giggled as she leant down and showered him with love. Matilda couldn’t help but smile at the beautiful bond the girl and dog shared.
She looked up and her gaze met Ryan’s. The passion in his eyes left her struggling to breathe steadily. There were so many questions she wanted answers to, but now wasn’t the time. He gave her a gentle smile as if to let her know it was all going to be okay, that they were going to be okay. He had to be kidding.
Although mad at him, part of her wanted to offer some comfort. He looked so tired, so troubled, that she almost crumbled right then and there. The relief at knowing he hadn’t slept with Pippa, combined with the guilt she felt at being so quick to judge him, and the after-effects of a big night out made her suddenly feel extremely emotional and extremely nauseous. In that moment, she wondered if she really needed all this, and more importantly whether Ryan needed it all in his life right now. She desperately wanted time to think.
Samara looked up from where she was sitting on the floor, Huckleberry curled up in her lap as she scratched his belly. ‘Is it okay if I take him out the back, Tilly?’
‘Yeah, sure, Samara. He’d love a bit of a run about and probably needs to do toilet duties too.’
They ran out and soon Samara’s laughter and Huckleberry’s excited barks were heard from outside.
Ryan took a few steps towards her. ‘Tilly, I’ve got something I think I need to tell you. I was asked not to tell anyone, but you of all people deserve to know what’s happening.’ He hooked his thumbs in the waistband of his jeans and briefly looked down at the floor. ‘I just don’t know how to say it.’ His voice was cracking.
This is going to be really, really bad …
Matilda almost covered her ears, she wasn’t sure she wanted to hear whatever it was. Instead, she shoved her hands in the pockets of her robe and tried to maintain a poker face. ‘Okay.’ She sounded very unsure.
Ryan cleared his throat as he brought his gaze back to hers. ‘Pippa’s pregnant, and she reckons it’s mine.’
The cottage felt as though it had just caved in on her. Matilda’s legs went weak and she leant against the wall for support. ‘Right. So what are you going to do about that?’
‘There’s not much I can do, except support her through it.’
‘True. Are you going to find out if it is yours?’
‘I’ve asked her to do a paternity test, which she said she’s going to get onto this week. I Googled it this morning when I couldn’t sleep and apparently the results take a couple of weeks. So, until then, I’ve got to treat the situation like it is my baby, and Pippa like she’s the mother of my child, because I don’t want to seem like a heartless prick. I also don’t want to risk having no contact with my child if it is mine. If I treat Pippa badly now, she’s likely to make sure my name doesn’t go on the birth certificate.’ He cleared his throat and looked to the ceiling as though holding back tears. ‘I’m so sorry, Tilly. This is the very last thing I expected to happen.’
Matilda ached to reach out and hug him. ‘Please don’t apologise, because you’ve done nothing wrong to me. You’re doing the right thing, the honourable thing, by taking it seriously, so you should be proud of yourself.’
‘Oh trust me, I’m far from proud of myself, Tilly. You have no idea …’ He blew out a weighty breath. ‘Just when I thought life might have been looking up this goes and throws a spanner in the works.’ He brought his eyes back to hers, and they were filled with longing and remorse.
As torn as she was with the news, he needed comfort and she was his friend. He’d been there for her, and now she needed to be there for him. She pushed her emotions to the side and did what a friend should do. Reaching out, she squeezed his arm. ‘Don’t worry. You and Pippa will work it out, I’m sure. If it turns out to be your child, I reckon you will want to be in its life every day. Maybe this is destiny’s way of bringing you two back together.’
Ryan laughed, almost cynically. ‘Or maybe it’s destiny’s way of being an arse.’
Matilda could feel her throat filling with emotion. She needed to get away, fast, before she burst into uncontrollable tears. Ryan had enough on his plate without having to console her too. ‘I feel like death warmed up so I’m going to have a shower.’ She gave him a quivery smile before dashing off down the hallway.
Ryan said nothing but she could feel his eyes burning a hole in her back as she hurried away. She felt horrible leaving him standing there, but she didn’t know what to say or do. She nearly turned around but resisted the urge. Although she would try to be there for him, this was his battle.
She quietly shut the bathroom door, allowing her welling tears to fall. She knew what she had to do, but the weight of it was almost too much to bear. Ryan was dealing with something challenging and possibly life changing. She knew deep down that it would be best for him and Pippa to have some space. Maybe they were meant to get back together, and by being here at Heartsong she was getting in the way of fate. Where she would go, she hadn’t a clue. Asking Greg if he had a room at the pub would be a good start. Dropping her robe to the floor she stripped off her pyjamas, turned the taps on and then stepped beneath the hot stream of water, imagining all her worries sliding down the plughole along with her tears. If only it were that damn easy …
CHAPTER
19
After hearing Pippa’s voice as she was getting dressed in her bedroom, Matilda expected to see her sitting at the dining-room table, but she was nowhere to be seen. Instead, Ryan was at the stove, whipping up something that smelt delicious. Taking a quick glance out the kitchen window Matilda saw Samara on the grass, giggling uncontrollably with Huckleberry scurrying around her. It was good to see her so relaxed and happy—Huckleberry seemed to be like therapy for her.
Walking over to the fridge, she took out a carton of orange juice. ‘I heard Pippa talking while I was getting dressed, is she still here?’
Busily stirring a bowl of eggs Ryan shook his head. Matilda noticed he didn’t turn to look at her. ‘Nah, one of her friends drove her here to collect her car. Turns out it w
as a loose wire. Fixed it in ten minutes flat.’
Thank goodness for that, she thought. ‘Oh, okay. I thought I might get to know her better over brekkie.’
Now he did turn. ‘Why would you want to do that? It’s not like you both hit it off last night.’
‘Because you and Pippa might be having a child together, and I’m your friend, so I think it would be nice for me to be nice to her.’
‘But you don’t even like her.’
‘No, I don’t, but only because of what she did to you. I can work on changing that opinion, though, for your sake.’
‘I’m really sorry about this, Tilly. You’re going through enough problems of your own, you shouldn’t have to deal with mine too. I’ll try to make it so Pippa doesn’t come here while we work through this.’
As much as she didn’t want to say it out loud, Ryan had just given her an opening to do so. ‘You won’t have to do that, Ryan.’
‘Yes I do. I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable in your own home.’
‘No, really, you don’t have to worry about it. This is your home, not mine, so I’m going to ask Greg if he has a room at the hotel I can move into.’
Ryan flinched. ‘This is your home as much as it is mine, Tilly.’ He closed his eyes and rubbed them with the ball of his palms, sighing. When he opened them again, he shook his head. ‘You don’t have to move out.’
‘I know, but I want to. I feel you two need space to work this out.’ She pulled a chair out from the dining table and sat down; she felt as though she was about to pass out. ‘It makes sense, seeing as I’ll be working there five days a week, and I don’t have a car. I don’t want you to have to run me around all the time.’
‘I don’t mind running you around, Tilly. I’ve told you that.’ Ryan sounded a little desperate, grumpy even.
Matilda took it with a grain of salt. ‘Maybe not, and thank you, but I mind you having to run me around … What happens when you go back to work?’
‘Easy, you can use the Landcruiser. It’s not like I’ll be needing it when I’m away driving the truck.’
‘I can’t do that, Ryan. I need to stand on my own two feet, and now I have a job, I can do that.’ She offered him a grateful but wobbly smile. ‘Thank you for letting me stay here. It’s been wonderful getting to know you and your family.’
Ryan strode over and placed a hand on her shoulder. She could feel him trembling and it almost snapped her in two.
‘I don’t want you to go, Tilly. I like having you here.’ His eyes flashed. ‘I was hoping that if we spent some more time together, you and I might have a chance to see where things go …’
Matilda slowly shook her head. ‘Ryan, please don’t make this any harder than it already is.’
His shoulders stooped as though she’d just dropped a lead weight on him. Pulling up a chair, he slumped down beside her. ‘You’re right, I’m sorry.’
Reaching out she rested her hand on his knee to stop his leg from bouncing nervously. ‘You and me, we’re always going to be mates, no matter what. Okay?’
He nodded just as Samara came tearing through the back door with Huckleberry scampering at her heels. The dog was running so fast he sideswiped the fridge. ‘Are your famous scrambled eggs ready yet, Uncle Ryan…’ She rubbed her belly. ‘Because I’m Hank Marvin.’
Ryan clapped his hands together. ‘Nearly. I’ve put extra cheese in just for you.’
‘So that’s your secret, cheese!’ Matilda said, grinning through her heartache for Samara’s sake.
‘That and a little bit of love,’ he said with a cheeky grin. He turned back to Samara. ‘Get the plates out, sweetheart, and I’ll finish them, then we can dish it up while it’s still hot.’ Ryan stood. ‘Do you want to join us, Tilly?’
Tilly nodded. ‘Of course I do. I wouldn’t miss out on your famous scrambled eggs for the world. I’ll make us all a cuppa, hey.’
‘Sounds like a plan,’ Ryan replied as he gave her one last loving look before lifting the frypan off the stovetop.
‘She really thinks I didn’t want her?’ Usually a man of steel, Greg was tearing up.
Without taking a sip Ryan placed his Coke back down, the ice chinking against the glass as he did. ‘I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, Greg, but from what she’s told me that’s exactly what she thinks.’
‘I suppose after how I reacted when her mother told me, I can’t really blame her. If only she knew how wrong she was.’ Greg closed his eyes for a few moments. He took in a deep breath, then slowly blew it away. When he opened them again, all traces of the tears had gone. ‘Well then, if that’s the case, it makes my decision so much easier.’
Ryan’s heart stalled as he felt himself hold his breath. ‘Yeah, and what might that be?’
‘We can’t let her know, Ryan.’
Ryan stared across Greg’s desk, his fears now a reality. ‘Why not?’
‘I don’t feel it’s something I should tell her yet. I want her to get to know me a little first, to see I’m not this horrible monster she thinks I am. Otherwise, she might run off and, just like her mother, I’ll never see her again.’ He shook his head. ‘I can’t risk that happening, Ryan. I’ve wondered all these years if Grace went through with the pregnancy, hoping that she might have a change of heart and come back to me. I’ve spent twenty-four years wondering whether she had a boy or girl, and what they would look like, you know, if they somehow looked like me. It’ll kill me if I don’t get a chance to get to know my own child now fate has brought Matilda to my doorstep—with your help, of course.’
Ryan nodded. Twenty-four hours ago he probably wouldn’t be able to sympathise as much, but now Pippa might be carrying his child he knew what Greg was talking about. ‘I can see your point, Greg, I really can, but don’t you think she might run for the hills when she finds out you’ve been lying to her too?’
‘Yes, she might, but my instinct is telling me to do it this way. I’ve always trusted my instincts, and most of the time they’re right, so I’m not about to ignore them.’
‘Fair call, mate, fair call.’ Ryan sighed. ‘I really hope you’re right, or both of us will lose a girl we love.’
Greg’s brows rose and a smile tugged at the corners of his lips. ‘You’re in love with … my daughter?’ The last word broadened his smile.
His focus on the coaster he was absentmindedly ripping into tiny little pieces, Ryan nodded. ‘Yeah, I think I am.’
‘Hey, that’s tops, buddy.’
Ryan sat up straighter and looked directly at Greg. ‘Actually, I know I am, and no, it’s not tops because now that Pippa reckons she’s pregnant to me, I can’t act on my feelings for Tilly, can I?’
‘Why can’t you? It’s not like you’re going to be getting back with Pippa …’ Greg leant forward and dropped his voice. ‘Are you?’
‘Right now I’d say there’s not a hope in hell I’d be that stupid, but maybe, if the baby is mine, I’ll see things differently, especially once it’s born. I keep thinking I should man up and put what happened behind me, so the child doesn’t have a broken family life.’
‘Oh, mate, don’t go thinking like that. There are loads of kids whose mum and dad live separately, and they learn to live with it, especially if they don’t know anything else.’
‘Yeah, I know, but I don’t want my kid being one of them.’
‘That’s really big of you, Ryan, but in my view you have to love someone to want to spend the rest of your life with them, not just because you have a child together. How tough do you reckon it would be for a kid living in a household where their parents don’t even really like each other?’
‘Yeah, true.’ Ryan sighed as he rubbed his face. ‘I don’t know why life keeps testing me the way it does, but I gotta roll with the punches. Who knows what’s going to happen down the line … I’ll drive myself nuts if I try to figure it out. One thing I know for certain is that Tilly has enough dramas in her life without adding mine to the list.’
&nb
sp; Greg nodded, his brows furrowed. ‘Don’t you think that should be Tilly’s decision?’
‘Yes, and no … I should be strong enough to not put her in that position in the first place.’
‘Fair enough. Just like I trust my instincts, you’ve got to trust yours. Life can really throw curve balls when you need them the least, hey?’ He sighed and shook his head. ‘It must be hard, not knowing for sure if it’s yours. Sorry to be harsh, but Pippa’s not really the cute little girl next door she likes people to believe she is. I mean, look what she did with Kevin, and she’s certainly been making herself known to the local lads in here since breaking up with you.’
Ryan felt his stomach twist. How he had ever loved a woman who was so shallow was beyond him. But in his defence, until meeting Matilda, he’d thought his dream woman was too good to be true. ‘Yeah, I’ve heard that too. But what am I meant to do, Greg? Turn my back on her and risk losing a child that has a fifty per cent chance of being mine.’
‘Good point, mate. I know all too well what that feels like. So yes, you’re doing the right thing by focusing on that for now. Does Kevin know?’
‘Not as yet, Pippa doesn’t want to tell him until we confirm if it’s mine. So can you keep this under wraps?’
‘Sure can, consider my lips sealed.’ He pretended to zip them. ‘Does Tilly know?’
‘Yeah, I told her this morning. I thought she of all people deserved to know what’s going on. But I kind of regret it because she wants to move out.’
Greg grimaced. ‘Yeah, she rang me just before you came in, asking if I had a room here she could rent, and I thought it might have had something to do with what I overheard Pippa telling you last night. I hope you don’t mind but I told her we do, and she’s welcome to move in anytime.’
Ryan looked into his almost empty glass of Coke. ‘I don’t really want her to move out, but she has to do what she feels is right for her.’ He shrugged. ‘I suppose it does make sense when she’s working here and she doesn’t have a car. It’s just I feel she would be safer out at Heartsong.’