Worthy

by Ryan, Syd

  I sit staring at my phone as if it can make any real decisions. I keep going back and forth trying to decide if I should text or not. Texting does take a lot of stress out of situations. And I’m a little bored. It can provide some entertainment until I go to bed. I should probably invite Chris over and tell him to fuck me, but he needs a little distance to be kept in check.

  Jamie: Hey, it's Jamie. This is my cell number.

  Gavin: I have your cell number already.

  Jamie: How?

  Gavin: They included it on the form when they registered you for anger management.

  Jamie: Maybe they should ask before giving it out.

  Gavin: Maybe...I’m glad I have it either way. I’m happy you texted me. It was good seeing you today.

  Jamie: How was your day?

  Gavin: My day was great, thanks to seeing you, beautiful.

  Jamie: How can you say that, knowing I’m mandated to your anger management group? WTF?

  Gavin: Clearly, you have no filter and that is why you are there. Needing help with anger management doesn’t mean you're crazy.

  Jamie: You sure about that...

  Gavin: More than sure.

  Jamie: Goodnight.

  Gavin: Goodnight, beautiful. I meant what I said earlier, the running away from me stops today.

  Jamie: ;]

  I turn my cellphone ringer to priority only as I get ready to go to bed. I can feel the smile on my face and giddiness in my stomach after texting with Gavin. I have no plans to tell anyone about it. I lay my head on my pillow, wondering if Gavin is, indeed, the exception to my one-and-done rule.

  Chapter 7

  The next two days went by in a blur. I can honestly say those were the worst two days I’ve ever had in the emergency room. I didn’t get to pee during both twelve-hour shifts. One of the surrounding trauma centers was in Code Black and was not accepting patients. We are closest to them, and they routed all their patients to us. Two rival gangs went at each other, practically causing a war. Gunshots everywhere. The police informed us they lost count of the bullets. Of course, the cops saturated the E.R. only to get no answers. Approximately twelve gunshot victims, one ending in death, didn’t get the gangs to talk.

  Twelve-hour shifts turned into mandated sixteen-hour shifts. Regan was on call and spent her day off working fourteen hours. I love being in the trenches with her; that is precisely where we should be together. Grayson was running squad, and Chris even came in on a few calls. Grayson got up in the security guards’ faces, telling them they needed to get their asses in the emergency room. Gangs deal out retribution, and we can’t stop them. Regan was so embarrassed, and I secretly loved it. I had to torment her about it—you know—for my own enjoyment.

  It’s my first day off from the emergency room in ages, and it’s gone to hell and back. One thing I’ve learned from this experience. I will not bitch about working in Express Care anymore. I slept like shit last night; I didn’t expect that would happen. I was exhausted, but my mind was all over the place.

  Now I’m making a cup of coffee, needing all the energy I can get. I have no plans for the day, and I want to go to the beach and get lost in the Florida sun. But my apartment is a hot mess. So I decide to clean my apartment first and then go to the beach. It's early in the morning, so there’s plenty of time to get my cleaning done and still take advantage of the prime time for sunbathing.

  I call Regan, and she answers the phone groggily. “Are you sleeping, Regan?” I hear some background noise; I assume it is Grayson.

  “Do you need something?”

  I feel the anger rise in me. I take a deep breath to hold it in. She calls me early all the time and, on the rare occasion I call her first thing in the morning, she sounds pissed. “I don’t need anything. I was just calling to see if you wanted to go to the beach around noon today. If I’m bothering you so much, you can consider the invitation null and void.” After saying that, I don’t feel any better.

  “Jamie, I’m sorry. I was a bitch to you. You didn’t deserve it. The last two days were hell as you well know. I didn’t need to take it out on you. I slept like shit. I think the beach is exactly what we need and deserve. The time works perfectly, I can get some more rest.”

  “I thought Grayson was still working at the firehouse.” I’m wondering what is going on with my best friend.

  “He left the firehouse at midnight, he didn’t want me coming home and being here by myself. He took six hours of personal time.”

  “Is something going on I don’t know about, Regan?”

  “Nothing is going on. It’s just that after everything we had going on at work he didn’t want me home by myself. I’m so glad he did it. Yesterday was so scary with all the excitement.”

  “Regan, that was so sweet of Grayson. I love how he looks out for you.” I can feel the green-eyed monster creeping up, and that is so unfair to Regan. She deserves this and more. I, for one, wouldn’t have it any other way. We agree to meet at the beach at noon for a couple of hours of sunbathing and girl gossip.

  Over the next hour, I get some necessary cleaning done. Dishes in the dishwasher, bathroom deep cleaned, and general pickup of the apartment. I have boxes up against the walls in my living room, and I can’t get myself to unpack them. I don’t know why. I have this feeling I’m only going to be living here a little while. A pit stop perhaps. It doesn’t feel like home, and unpacking isn’t going to make my feelings change. I can thank my parents for this fuck-up. I never get settled anywhere, and their great parenting is the cause of that problem. Ugh.

  I could commit to going on a run, but I quickly talk myself out of that idea. In a short time, I will be lying in the sun. I cannot afford to get dehydrated today. I gather up my items for the beach: towels, an umbrella, sunscreen, a packed lunch (peanut butter and jelly, apple slices, baked Sunchips, and water), my Kindle, and my phone. I have about forty-five minutes before it is time to go. I decide to check my social media, hoping Madison and McKenzie got some balls and said something I can use to bring them down another few notches. No such luck. Looking at my texts, I see one that came through while I was cleaning the nasty bathroom.

  Gavin: I just wanted to check in. I heard the last couple of days in the E.R. were hell. R U OK?

  Jamie: Asking as my anger management coordinator or as someone else????

  Gavin: I’m asking as someone who gives a fuck about you. I have been worried, I kept asking Jason if the emergency room was safe.

  Jamie: We got through it. It was the worst two days since I have started working there. Scary.

  Gavin: I wanted to text u last night.

  Jamie: Why didn’t you?

  Gavin: I figured u needed space.

  Jamie: I slept like shit. Regan and I are going to the beach today. Let the sun absorb all the problems out of me. LOL.

  Gavin: I have a mandated training meeting. I gotta go. U need anything, let me know. I’m glad you’re safe. Be careful out in the sun. I’d prefer to be putting lotion on u.

  Jamie: Where do you want to put lotion on my body? I think we are going to a topless beach.

  Gavin: Fuck, Jamie. I told you I had to go to a meeting. Now my dick is hard as a fucking steel pole thinking about you at a topless beach.

  Jamie: Sorry...not sorry. LOL.

  Gavin: I’m repeating useless algebra equations to get my dick to go down.

  Jamie: I could think of ways or, even better, demonstrate some ways to help your cock out.

  Gavin: For fuck's sake, stop.

  Jamie: Have a good day. Talk soon.

  Gavin: If you need anything, a distraction or to talk, let me know. I have an idea, maybe you can run toward me, not away from me.

  Jamie: LOL. Thanks, Gavin, I appreciate it. :}

  Texting with Gavin was the perfect distraction. I have this giddy feeling in the bottom of my stomach; it’s a good feeling I wasn’t expecting. I have no dating experience, by choice. I don’t like awkward moments and the lies people tell. Beside
s, I had so many crises going on in high school, I couldn’t care less if I spoke with any boys. I created my one-and-done rule as soon as I was able to enter the bar scene. I find the arrangement beneficial, but it makes Regan livid. She imagines a serial killer on the loose, with me as his intended target. At moments like this, texting with Gavin makes me want to want more. I just don’t know if I’m capable of handling more or if Gavin really wants more from me.

  My brain has me off daydreaming, but I need to finish getting ready. Going to the beach with Regan doesn’t require me to dress up. I put on a black bikini with my black flip-flops and pull my mess of curls into a high ponytail. I add a tank top and some comfy shorts. Doug living in the apartment complex has me weirded out, and I don’t want him seeing me in my bathing suit. I make sure the windows are locked and, grabbing my stuff for the beach, I head out the door. I double check to make sure it’s locked.

  My drive to the beach is approximately ten minutes. At this point it’s the only positive aspect of my apartment besides the second bedroom, which I use as a closet. Regan’s drive is about ten minutes longer than mine. She pulls up as I’m getting the last load from the car. “Hey, girl. I’m so glad you could make it. I so needed this today.” Regan smiles brightly at me. Apparently, we both have the same thing in mind today. She is wearing a black bikini. I guess that is our mood after our last few days at work. We gather the rest of her stuff and get settled on the beach.

  “Has the E.R. called you today?” Regan sounds irritated.

  “No, why? What’s up?”

  “They wanted me to come into work today. Can you believe that bullshit? I just worked sixteen extra hours on my day off, and they want more. I almost gave in to them, but Grayson stopped it before it even got started.”

  “So letting Grayson tell you what you are going to be doing now?” Then I realized my teasing was not appreciated.

  “Absolutely not.” Grayson said, “You’ve already worked fifty-two hours, you need some rest.” I couldn’t argue with that.

  “I wonder why I didn’t get called to come in. Maybe because I’m on call tomorrow. I’m sure I will be called in.”

  The beach is deserted, which is typical for noontime midweek. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I enjoy the quiet time, and that rarely happens when the beach is filled with little kids. I have nothing against kids. I just worry if they are being watched carefully enough, which makes it impossible for me to relax.

  We apply sunscreen all over our tanned bodies, but the sun can still get us when we least expect it. I get more comfortable on my blanket and get lost in my surroundings. I am dozing off when Regan starts talking to me.

  “Have you heard from the gorgeous Gavin?” I sit back and think about the question for a minute. How much do I want to tell her?

  “As a matter of fact, I heard from him this morning.”

  Regan gets excited; her face speaks volumes. “I’m waiting. Go ahead. I want details.”

  “Regan, there’s not much to tell. She rolls her eyes at me in aggravation. “OK, Gavin texted this morning, checking on me after the last couple of days in the emergency room.”

  Now she is annoyed at me. “Jamie, it is like pulling teeth out of you. What else did he say to you? I’m not going to leave it alone, James.”

  “Alright, I will tell you even though it is not much. He checked in on me, saying, ‘If you need anything, let me know.’ He had Jason, the security guy who was mandated to the anger management group, giving him emergency room updates. I did some sexy flirting via text. I might have suggested we’re at a topless beach today. Of course that got him all hot and bothered. He did tell me the sweetest thing: maybe I should run toward him and not away from him for a change.”

  “Jamie, that is so great. I’m so excited. This is great. Gavin is amazing. I really think you should give this a chance. There is no pressure in this, Jamie... Gavin knows exactly what is he is getting by being with you. Go on a few dates for a change, if you are not there yet give it some time. Talking and texting with Gavin is good, don’t worry about much more.” I love how easy she makes this sound, when I know it is far from it

  Gavin comes from family and money, and I don’t have either. I can’t even tell my best friend, let alone Gavin, the truth about my family. Nobody has ever wanted me. Why would they start now? Gavin has had a proper life without all the craziness I have had. He lives in a gated community, and I haven’t unpacked in my unlived-in apartment. I just don’t think Gavin would want all the craziness I would bring. But while all these outside factors are a cluster mess, our bodies definitely know they want each other.

  “Enough about Gavin.”

  Regan looks at me with concern. “OK, what is going on?”

  “I didn’t get to tell you who my new neighbor is. Believe me, this is not a good thing. Dickhead Doug from Anesthesia lives in the townhouses across the way from my apartment complex.”

  “Wow, that is a problem. Has he said anything to you? Maybe you can act like you don’t see him.”

  “I wish it were that easy. Regan, it is so creepy. He wants to get all neighborly, trying to get me to go to the pool with him. I’m so weirded out by him. He can’t take no for an answer.”

  “Jamie, are you afraid of him?”

  “I went home and locked everything up, and when I left today, I made sure everything was locked. Something is off with him. I hope he gets the picture.”

  “Jamie, promise me that if he does anything else that is weird you’ll let me know. I don’t want you dealing with this by yourself. Grayson and I will be here to help you. Promise me, James.”

  “Regan, I promise you. The only good thing is that Doug doesn’t know exactly where I live. I went a different way around the building, so he didn’t see exactly where my apartment is.”

  Several hours fly by, and I’m grateful for the girl time with Regan. I feel a lot lighter. Regan does most of the talking, and I just listen. I prefer it that way. Sometimes Regan acts like a dog with a bone. Today is one of those days. She has no intention of leaving me alone when it comes to Gavin.

  I make a couple of stops on the way home from the beach. I stop at Target with no purpose. I absolutely love Target, and Target loves me—this is reflected in my credit card balance. My shopping trip is uneventful and, a hundred dollars later, I exit the building.

  Next I stop at the grocery store for my favorite item that it is not alcohol: Häagen-Dazs strawberry ice cream. I’m completely and utterly addicted to it. I work out and practically starve myself so I can have ice cream. I know it’s just giving me a false sense of happiness, but that doesn’t stop me.

  Bedtime can’t get here soon enough; that is when I have my date with ice cream. Ice cream and me...it is never a one-and-done; we’re in a long-term relationship.

  I pull into my apartment building, and the lot looks pretty empty, which isn’t unusual. I pick out a prize parking spot in hopes that I will not have to go out for the rest of the day.

  I grab my beach bag and bags from Target and head to my apartment. I manage to get everything in one load since I keep some of my beach stuff in the trunk. As I approach the main door, an elderly man holds it open for me. “Thank you, sir.”

  “I haven’t heard a young person say ‘thank you’ for a long time. Did manners skip your generation? Your generation acts entitled.”

  I really don’t have time for this considering my hands are full and my ice cream is on the verge of melting. “I work as a nurse in the emergency room, and I completely understand what you are talking about. Thanks again for helping me with the door. Have a good day.”

  He smiles brightly at me. “Have a good day, young lady.”

  A piece of paper is taped to my front door. The maintenance guys always have something going on. It ranges from backed-up toilets, to cabinet upgrades, to inspections. I open the front door and put my bags on the floor, and I take the paper off the entrance.

  “I know where you went. Next time, you shoul
d invite me.”

  The fear begins to take over my body; the fight-or-flight response is kicking in. I walk through my apartment, making sure everything is in its place. All the windows are still locked, and everything seems normal. I think back to when I left my apartment; no one was around.

  I made a colossal mistake and didn’t check which townhouse Doug lived in. Can he see me? How in the fuck did he find out which apartment was mine? The apartment manager assured me they would never release my information to anyone without my consent. Maybe Doug got it from the hospital. At this moment, terror consumes me. I have avoided this feeling since my parents left; now it is taking over. I’m scared shitless. I call Regan. Hopefully, she and Grayson can help me.

  It takes two attempts to call Regan because my hand is shaking.

  “Girl didn’t I just leave you? Did you miss me that much?”

  Silence takes over as I try to pull myself together to talk to my best friend.

  “Jamie, what’s going on? What’s wrong?”

  “I went to Target and stopped at the grocery after I left the beach.”

  “Seriously? You just called to tell me you spent too much money at Target? I don’t know how many times I’ve told you to cut your credit card up.” Regan laughs.

  “Regan, that is not why I’m calling you. I’m calling because I got a note on my door. Doug figured out which apartment I’m living in.” My voice is shaking.

  “What did it say on the note?”

  “I know where you went, next time you should invite me.”