Worthy

by Ryan, Syd

  Deciding not to get my hopes up too soon, I check in with Regan before I head home. My patience level is at a whole new low, and I decide to call her instead of texting again. She picks up after a few rings.

  “Hey, pregnant mommy to be. How are you feeling, and do you need anything?”

  “Nah. I’m good. Grayson is here.”

  “I thought he was on until in the morning.”

  “Grayson is already an anxious daddy. He took off early today so he could be with me. He brought some soup and held my hair back as I puked up my guts twice.”

  “Oh...that is so sweet. You deserve this, Regan—well, minus the morning sickness. Hopefully, it will not last long.” ‘

  “Next week, we will start to plan this wedding. I want to be married in about a month. The wedding is going to be really simple, so I can’t imagine it will be a problem.”

  “How was work today?”

  “I knew there was a reason for me to call you other than your pregnancy news. At work today, Doug left a note on my locker. Let me finish before you get a new diagnosis of hypertension. I thought Gavin had left me the note. So you can imagine how alarmed I was when I realized Doug had invited me to lunch. I texted Gavin and had hospital security follow me to the cafeteria. The nurse’s station is the last place I wanted to have a scene. I can’t be ordered to any more anger management sessions.

  “Gavin, the fucker, takes the scenic route to the cafeteria. I was scared shitless for a moment. As you know, I’m not known for talking bullshit. Gavin joins us in the cafeteria with his receptionist, Karmen. I thought to myself, why in the hell is he bringing her? I will sum it so you won’t be delivering this baby before the story is done.” I start laughing because I can always crack myself up.

  “Jamie, glad you think this is funny. The situation is unsafe, and it could be really scary if something happened to you.” Regan makes a point of sounding exactly like a mother.

  “Yes, ma’am. Okay, Doug informed me he is going to Las Vegas for two weeks with his dad, who just divorced the latest goal digger in his life. According to Doug, he is not coping well.”

  “Jamie, get to the fucking point. Damn, I know you are alive and well.” Her anger is rising; I will blame it on the little shit growing inside her. She usually likes my storytelling.

  “Gavin brought Karmen to fix her up with Doug. Karmen has this exotic look to her. Doug instantly took a liking to her. It gets better, Regan. Karmen is going to Vegas next week as well. And Doug left lunch early and walked Karmen back to the office. The best part was finding out that Karmen is a dominatrix; she must have picked up on his nondominant ways. I can just imagine him on his knees with a collar around his neck.”

  Regan and I start laughing so hard our bellies are going to be sore.

  “I can...see him licking her shoes or ordering him around. Jamie, I could go on and on about him. But seriously, continue to be safe and aware of your surroundings. If you don’t feel safe, you get Gavin or me.”

  “One last thing to tell you before we get off the phone. I overheard the best fucking news, Regan, and this is more exciting than Doug the Dickhead info. Guess who is going to Alaska? Okay, time’s up! Madison and McKenzie are going to Alaska to accept a sixteen-week assignment. I cannot wait for the torture to begin. Spending all their time in the dark, no mountain men, and shitty accommodations in Eskimo country—this is an epic experience for us, and those two catty girls will be taught a lesson. Hopefully, the Alaska assignment will give them a perspective they need and an appreciation of the others around them. Well, Grayson appears to have everything under control. I’m going to head home, it has been a draining day.”

  “Jamie, I’m ecstatic that those heifers are going to freeze their asses off. I admit you have done your best work yet. I see a trip to the mall coming. I will endure one of your lengthy shopping expeditions to say thank you for dealing with them. I can never thank you enough for this, James. You’re a best friend who always has my back; now it’s time to let me have yours. Do not say a word, just let all this set in. I will let you go, I’m glad that it appears someone else has Doug’s attention. Hopefully, it will stay that way.”

  Chapter 20

  I climb into my Trailblazer, wanting to get away from the hospital quickly. After working twelve hours, a shower and bed never looked any better. I turn over the car ignition three times, and it will not start. Why me? Shit happens when I want food, a shower, and my bed the most.

  My Trailblazer is approaching the 255,000-mile mark, which is unheard of with Chevy cars. The rust is starting to become noticeable at the bottoms of the doors. The interior looks like I had a pack of kids living in it. I can’t deal with this right now. My money is tied up with my parents and their fucked-up shit.

  The tears begin to settle in; this shit is too much. All I want to do is climb into bed; instead I need to find a way home. I could call an Uber, but that would get my car towed out of here. Grayson can’t deal with it. He is too busy holding Regan’s hair while she pukes. I’m not bitching; it is precisely what he should be doing. I put a boundary between Chris and me; I think we need a little more distance between us for a while. Gavin is my best option. I drag my ass back into the hospital. By the time I get home, I will need a fucking drink.

  I take the service elevator up to his office. The elevator is in an old part of the hospital, and it’s ancient—it creeps me out. The service entrance keeps me out of sight of people in the emergency room. The last thing I want to do is to explain why my ass is still there.

  I walk into psych services, and the whole department is empty. I guess the psych department is genuinely a Monday-Friday and leave before 5:00 p.m. department. The silence is a bit deafening. I peek into Gavin’s office. He is head down in his work. The impressive sight before me throws me offguard. He is wearing scrubs and a white t-shirt. When I saw him earlier, he was in dress clothes. Apparently, he had a patient going off and throwing food.It’s a classic psych patient move

  Gavin looks up at me, and his eyebrows rise in curiosity. His mouth curves into a broad smile. “To what do I owe this pleasure, Jamie?”

  I hate asking people for help, and my anxiety begins to rise. People ask me for help all the time, but I hate depending on people. It always ends in heartbreak. My parents are clear proof of that one.

  Gavin gets up and walks around his desk, and he pulls my chin up to him. “Eyes right here, Jamie.” Fuck, he knows me too well. Eye contact is hard for me. I guess it’s his job to be observant, but I don’t have the time to analyze myself. I shake my head in annoyance, more at myself than at him. “I don’t really want to bother you, but my car will not start. I think it is the starter or alternator. I’m so fucking tired, I just want to go home and not deal with this shit.” The tears slowly start to fill my eyes. “I can’t deal with much more, Gavin.”

  He pulls me in close, holding me to his chest. I hold on to him tightly, allowing the familiar scent of woodsy cologne to comfort me.

  “I know you are on call for the next two hours. If it is a problem...”

  “Jamie, it’s not an issue. Do you have triple A? Never mind, I will have someone tow it. I have a mechanic who can look at it in the morning. I’m surprised the car is still running.”

  “I love Gold Dust, don’t crack on her. She has been a best friend to me.”

  “What does that tell you, Jamie?” I start laughing.

  Gavin calls for the tow truck. “We need to put the key under the mat. I will grab some stuff, and we can head out.” He puts some files in his crossover bag, looking very scholarly at the moment. We take the elevator back down and go to Gold Dust. I put the key under the mat. “Do you think this is a good idea?”

  “For fuck's sake, the car is broken down. No one can steal it.” Damn, he’s got a point there. I grab a few things from Gold Dust, and we go looking for his car.

  “Your parking spot sucks, I can tell you came in later today.” We walk to the back of the parking lot. Of course he
had to be in the last row. I don’t do this type of footwork, even for the most significant sales at the mall. Gavin, who never abandons his gentlemanly ways, opens the door for me. “Jared is going to tow your car, he should be here in about twenty minutes.”

  “Do you have a mechanic in mind?”

  “I don’t have a mechanic I usually use.” Gavin stops me before I tell him I usually call on one of my one-and-done guys. “I will have my mechanic, Will, take a look at it.”

  “Gavin, if he works for a ritzy dealership, that is not an option for me.” The tears start up again.

  Gavin tilts my chin up again; it is really becoming annoying. “Don’t worry about it, he is not expensive. He is one of the rare honest repair guys out there. I don’t want to get you more upset, but keep in mind Gold Dust doesn’t have much mileage left on her.”

  “I have a lot going on right now, I don’t have much money to spend on things that are not necessary.”

  The drive home is filled with silence. It’s a comfortable silence, I would say. I even take a few moments to close my eyes. My sleep has not gotten back to normal yet. Draining days in the emergency room don’t help.

  When we get to my apartment, I hop out of the car and announce that I’m going to get my mail. Having Gavin here with me gives me the security I need to go and get it. We go into my apartment, and Gavin goes into security officer mode checking it out thoroughly. I flip through my mail, bill after bill. I can’t get ahead. My own expenses and my parents’ bills are cleaning me out. By the time they get done with me, I will not have any savings left. I will indeed be the E.R.’s bitch at that point.

  I throw my mail down on the kitchen counter.

  “Looks like you are settling in here.”

  “I don’t need your jokes. Mr. Rodgers. The reason it still looks unpacked is because of the stalker situation. I wanted to make a quick exit if necessary. Honestly, this place never felt like home, and I never wanted to unpack.” I feel overwhemed. “Do you want a beer? I have a couple left.”

  “I have an idea. Are you off tomorrow?”

  “Yes, I’m off tomorrow and on for the weekend.”

  “Pack a little bag, come and spend the night at my house. It will give you a chance to unwind. If you need anything, you will not be stuck without a car. Jamie, you need a breather. Enjoy the pool and relax tomorrow.”

  “Are you working tomorrow?”

  “I’m off tomorrow, but if you want the house to yourself, I can make myself scarce.”

  “I appreciate the offer...but...”

  “Come on, you need this. Take the day and enjoy yourself.”

  I admit it sounds really nice; the weather is going to be great and the humidity is not off the hook. “I think your idea sounds like perfection. I would like for you to join me—no need to make yourself scarce.

  “Pack light, at my house I don’t really see the need for clothing.”

  I really like the idea of not needing clothing. Gavin is a source of temptation. I guess the question is how long I can resist it.

  Before leaving my apartment, Gavin locks it up like it’s Fort Knox. He places my bag in the back of his SUV. His car looks immaculate. My car, on the other hand, has survived a few hurricanes.

  I start to doze off on the way to his house, but he wakes me up asking me what I want to eat.

  “Since it is late, do you mind if we pick up something to eat?” I ask.

  “Sure, I’m too tired to be cooking. What are you in the mood for?”

  “Something that will fill me up and put me to sleep.”

  “I’m going to order some wings, and we can drink some beer at the house,” he says.

  “I have no problem eating the meal preferred by bachelors across America. But my nerves are all over the place. I can’t eat spicy or hot.”

  Gavin places the order for takeout. While he picks up our order, I doze off in the car.

  We arrive at his house twenty-five minutes later, and Gavin wakes me up gently. “Jamie, sweetheart, we’re here.” It takes me a few minutes to get acclimated to my surroundings. I look at Gavin and a feeling of adoration hits me in the chest. He looks at me so lovingly. I could really get used to this feeling, and it scares me shitless. I’m setting myself up for failure. If I invest too much of myself, I will end up being rejected. But I allow myself this: I soak up this feeling Gavin is giving me. I soak it up because it is only temporary.

  Gavin pulls his car into the garage. “Come on sleepyhead, let’s get you fed so you can call it a night.” He opens my car door and we go inside.

  Although he’s a bachelor, Gavin doesn’t even have a dish in the sink. He puts my bag in the spare bedroom; I admit I’m a little disappointed. He walks into the kitchen and starts pulling plates from the cabinet. “I put your bag in the same spare bedroom as last time, if I were a betting man, I would say you were disappointed.” Gavin and his psych ways; he can analyze me way too easily. “My preference would be your using my spare bedroom only to change your clothes. Otherwise, I prefer you being in my room. I can think of plenty of ways we can make good use of my bedroom and shower.”

  If I weren’t so exhausted, I would be ready to fuck him six ways from Sunday. Gavin tempts my body in ways I can’t explain. My underwear gets wet in a hot minute. My sex drive says one thing, and my brain is flashing stop signs in all directions.

  I look for something to drink in the fridge. I stand there staring inside it without a clue what I want, and the exhaustion becomes too much. Gavin walks into the room and speaks to me. I don’t have a clue what he just said. “Jamie, are you okay? I was talking to you.”

  “Yeah, I’m trying to find something to drink.”

  “I got us some wings, how about a beer?”

  “Sure.”

  “What kind of day did you have? You look so sleepy.”

  “A very busy one. The emergency room is nonstop, and today was one of those tough days when I needed to slow down. Add in Gold Dust, and it doesn’t make it a good day. Thanks for helping me. You didn’t have to, and I really appreciate it.”

  “Jamie, I wanted to help you. I’m glad you came to me. I want you to come to me, instead of running from me. I know you don’t want to rely on anyone, but sometimes we need to. We can’t carry our burdens on our backs all the time. The weight becomes too much and, before you know it, we are picking the pieces off the ground. The mess is so much greater than if we had simply asked for help. Jamie, you need to allow yourself to ask for help, and accept that people help because they want to, not just out of some fucked-up sense of obligation.”

  I know he is right, but it doesn’t make it any easier to accept. My parents ask everyone for help, and it doesn’t faze them. I’m the direct opposite of them; this is just another consequence of their actions.

  Gavin carries the food into the family room off the kitchen and lays it out on the coffee table. I think he got enough food to feed an army of growing boys. Gavin looks at me as I take it all in. “I got a little bit of everything.”

  “It looks like it,” I say, laughing at him. “I will have no problem filling up my belly and going to sleep.” I fill my plate with wings, potato skins, and nachos. I don’t like eating in front of guys. I don’t want to think about their rude, nasty comments, even if they don’t say them aloud. But Gavin and I are way past that. I’m going to eat like a pregnant woman eating for quads tonight. I have no fucking guilt about it.

  Gavin and I eat our buffet and get our bellies full. Gavin turns on the baseball highlights on the ESPN channel. I appreciate his offer to watch something else, but I’m just too tired to care. My head is all over the place as I start to doze off on the couch. Gavin pulls me to his side so my head is resting on him. He covers me up with a throw blanket. I’m asleep within a minute or two.

  I’m not sure how long we are on the couch before I feel Gavin get up. I thought I heard my phone ringing. I must be hearing things. Gavin comes back to the couch and turns the television off. He lifts me
like a weightless balloon and carries me to his bedroom, and I don’t stop him.

  I am not fully awake as he sets me on the bed and takes my clothes off. He starts with my yoga pants, leaving my underwear on. He removes my bra and t-shirt next. Then he walks over to his dresser and puts one of his t-shirts on me. He puts me under the covers.

  Gavin strips all his clothes off except his boxers and climbs in with me. He presses himself against my back, leaving no space between us. He knows exactly what I need. He puts his arm around me and kisses me gently on the temple. I can’t get enough of his woodsy scent. Gavin is so intoxicating, and I can’t get enough of him. It scares the shit out of me. “Goodnight, Jamie,” he whispers, so quietly I barely hear it.

  ***Gavin***

  Jamie has been asleep for over an hour. She has been rambling in her sleep, but nothing I can quite understand. She is too exhausted; I think that is why she’s talking in her sleep. She talks but her body does not move at all. I find myself squeezing her closer to me. I can’t get enough of this girl. She makes me lose my shit. I think her confident, cocky manner keeps me all over the place. I know this is a front she puts on. She has given me a few glimpses of the vulnerable Jamie, which she doesn’t show anyone else.

  Jamie has to have everything on her terms, or she will shut down. She is like a pretty bird outside my window. If I get too close, she will fly away. I have to approach her slowly.

  Jamie’s phone rang earlier when she was asleep on the couch. I wouldn’t have looked at it, but I was afraid it was Regan. Regan didn’t come to work today, and I didn’t want Jamie to worry about her. I didn’t know if Jamie was on call today either, so when the phone rang, I decided to answer it.

  The caller identified herself as Julia and told me that she was Jamie’s sister. I heard some kids in the background, but Julia did not sound old enough to have children. I was floored. Jamie has never spoken of any siblings, so I assumed she was an only child. Thinking back, I realized Jamie hadn’t talked about any of her family. Julia insisted that I not wake Jamie up and asked me to have her call in the morning.