Worthy

by Ryan, Syd

  “Jamie, I know you have a lot going on. I just wanted to help you.”

  “Help me? By lying to me? Gavin, get this fucking picture. I was raised by two liars. Lying to me since birth. I will not accept that in my life, no matter what your intention is. I will give you the money back for this one way or another.”

  “I don’t want it.”

  “You don’t want it? You should have thought about that before you lied to me. Gavin, I broke all the rules in my life for you. Look where it has fucking gotten me. I knew I’d get hurt, I shouldn’t have thought you were any different. Gavin, you need to leave. I can’t do this with you.”

  “What do you mean you can’t do this with me? Jamie, people are human and make mistakes. I’m sorry, I just wanted to help you. What are you really saying?”

  “Gavin, this is done between us. I can’t give you any more than I already have, I can’t invest anything else. Please stay away from me.”

  “Jamie, you can’t be fucking serious. It was one mistake. One mistake. I thought this was going somewhere with us. Don’t give up, this isn’t over by a long shot.”

  I open the front door. “Please go.”

  “Jamie, I mean it. This is not over.” Gavin walks through the door and turns around, giving me one more chance to change my mind. I shut the door and fall to my knees. “I thought this was going somewhere too,” I whisper to no one as the tears fall down my face.

  I sit on the floor, releasing the rest of my tears over Gavin. I finally manage to get up and go into the kitchen and make myself a large glass of wine. I can’t even talk to Regan about any of this; it is not fair to add any more to her plate. I go to the bathroom and start running some water to take a hot bath. I leave my wine in there and look for some comfy clothes to put on. I need a distraction, and picking up an erotic romance novel to read is the perfect one. A few minutes later I’m soaking in the tub, thinking about the Gavin situation and where it went wrong. I come to the same conclusion every time. I should have gone with my gut and kept to my rules.

  Chapter 30

  I talk to no one about what happened between Gavin and me. Today is the last day of anger management, so I must face him. Skipping anger management is not the answer. I won’t put Gavin in the position of lying for me. I didn’t accept him lying to me, and I will not allow him to lie for me. I’m working the next three days in a row. Regan is off for two of those days. By the time we work together again, I hope to have a better grasp on this situation.

  The emergency room is so backed up we have beds lined up in the hallway. I’m working in triage today of all days, when I want to interact with as few people as possible. Triage is backed up. Rowan and I are tag teaming them. I’m emotionally drained, and she is physically drained. She has bags under her eyes, and she looks like she’s approaching forty-two instead of thirty-two.

  “Rowan, I have anger management today. It is my last session. Cheryl will have to pull someone to cover me. There is no way you can cover this hellhole by yourself for an hour and a half. How many days have you been on?’”

  “This is my on-call day. Cheryl kindly informed me I will be here the whole twelve hours.” We both roll our eyes.

  “Who has the kids?”

  “My teenage sitter is on school break, so she is watching them today. Brody and Kyle just got over the norovirus. I have been sterilizing the house for the last two days.”

  Well, that explains why she is tired. That virus is no joke; our emergency room has been filled with it.

  “Jamie, something is off. Are you okay?”

  “The guy I’m seeing, let’s just say it is not working out.”

  “I’m so sorry to hear that.”

  I shake my head because if I say anything else, I’ll be an inch away from losing it. “Let’s get this shitty shift done,” I say. We both nod.

  The next six hours of triage ranges from spider bites to two women practically giving birth in the emergency room. I’m so ready to leave after anger management, but I know that would be unfair to Rowan. Crawford, the orderly, is working closely with us today, and we send him on a coffee run. He comes back with two piping hot coffees, and Rowan and I look at him like he holds the answers to our prayers. We accept the coffee with glee, and Crawford gives me back my money.

  “Why are giving me my money back?”

  “You know how everyone is doing the pay-it-forward thing. The guy in front of me asked me who I was getting coffee for and paid for it without question.” Rowan and I exchange looks.

  “Who was the guy that paid for it? Do you know who he is?” I ask.

  “Of course I do. It’s Gavin who works in psych services.”

  I walk over to the sink in Triage Room Three and pour out my coffee. Rowan walks over to the sink. I stop her before she gets the lid off. “I’m not good with Gavin right now. The drink is fine, it is his way of trying to fix things between us.” Rowan nods as she puts the lid back on her cup. I know I’m acting petty about the coffee, but it gives me the feeling that I have some control over the situation.

  Rowan gets caught up in the waiting room. Bibbs finishes his cases in the O.R., and the nursing supervisor has him covering me until I come back. I stop in the staff lounge and freshen up my appearance before I go. I can’t go looking like the hot mess I feel like. I stop at the vending machine and grab water on the way to anger management. Gavin will be handing out the certificates of completion and I, for one, can’t wait to turn it in. Can you imagine displaying it in your office? That would be embarrassing.

  Kristina from anger management rides with me in the elevator. I’m not in the mood for conversation, but she will not leave it alone. “Glad today is the last day?”

  “Of course. I think you are the only one who is not mandated to it.”

  “I learned a lot from it.”

  I roll my eyes because I know she is full of bullshit.

  “Gavin, the instructor, is hot, don’t you think?”

  “He is a good-looking guy, why?”

  “I’m going to ask if he wants to go out for coffee unless he is not single. Is he is seeing anyone?”

  “Why would I know?” I ask. Hopefully, she is getting the hint to stop asking questions.

  “I thought...you work here, and he works here. Maybe...have you seen him with anyone?” She never shuts up. We walk off the elevator.

  “I can’t say that I know if he is seeing anyone.”

  “I’m definitely asking him out.”

  “Go for it,” I say as we enter the conference room.

  Today is one of those days I want to smack the shit out of someone. My day in the E.R. was total shit. My heart hurts, and now this chick wants to ask out Gavin. My head is all over the place. Just finish the last session and roll out, I keep telling myself.

  Gavin starts the class by congratulating us on completing it. I have no doubt people are just faking it to make it. Sign-up sheets are signed, and everyone is in attendance.

  We go over a few lessons in our workbook, and everyone is sharing because, after today, we don’t have to look at each other again. Hopefully. Gavin walks around the room and, every so often, he is behind me and my body feels him. My body wants him, and my brain is putting a stop to this mess before it even starts. And to make things worse, I catch myself closing my eyes a few times because I got little to no sleep.

  Gavin usually looks so put together, but today is not one of these days. It’s nothing that would be obvious to people who don’t really know him. His scruff is a little over eighteen hours old, his hair is beautifully messed up, and his eyes just look tired. Is it a bitch move if I’m happy he is suffering? Clearly, I think not.

  The session ends thirty minutes early. Everyone is saying their farewells and giving each other contact numbers. Avery and Aiden chat it up about their court costs and fines in traffic court. I listen to them but don’t engage with anyone. Just being here is all I’m capable of today.

  “Jamie, now that this class is over w
e want to invite you out.” Avery says with a twinkle in his eye.

  “Out, meaning?”

  “We want to take you out for dinner and some drinks.” I get this weird feeling that they both date and fuck the same girl. I’m a sexually adventurous woman, and Tampa is not that big. I might have a reputation as a whore.

  As I’m about to respond, Gavin invites himself into the conversation. “Guys we are done, you can pick up your certificate at the door.”

  “We were asking Jamie out for dinner and some drinks, assuming she doesn’t have a boyfriend.” Avery explains.

  “Jamie, you are seeing someone aren’t you?”

  Gavin says, “Jamie, I need to speak with you alone.” The guys look at each other having no clue what is going on between us.

  “Guys, you know where I work,” I say. “We will talk soon.”

  “Jamie, now,” Gavin grabs my wrist and pulls me back to the conference room.

  “Excuse me, who in the hell do you think you are? You’re not my fucking boyfriend, and you’re not even my fucking friend, Gavin. I don’t need this right now.”

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t want to hurt you. I was only trying to help you stay on your feet. I shouldn’t have handled it that way, I get it now.”

  “You fucking get it now. It’s too late, Gavin. I expected more from you. Of course this is what I deserve, every fucking time. Always getting let down.” I am whispering because there are still people in the conference room. “Gavin, this isn’t the time to deal with this. I’m not sure if there will ever be a time to deal with this. Please just leave me alone.” I walk away from him, making the decision I should have made sooner. It’s over between us; it was over before we started.

  I walk out of the conference room, getting away from everyone. I have no doubt heads are turning as I leave. The tension is just rolling off my body. I walk back to the emergency room, taking deep breaths and praying for the shift to end. The waiting room is filled with patients with no seats available, and people are going off on the registars in the front. I know I should stop and help, but I just don’t have it in me.

  When I enter the triage section of the emergency room, Rowan is rushing around.

  “What is going on?”

  “We had a patient with chest pain walk through the door and collapse. Meet me in Trauma Room Nineteen.” I run behind her looking like a person on a weight loss program. We work him up, and he is in the Cath lab in thirty-four minutes. I hate working this way, but after what happened with Gavin, I am grateful to be busy. Rowan and I finish the shift in a blur, exhausted.

  “A day in hell today,” I say. “It’s been a while since we had one of those.”

  “It was rough, but I think you had more going on than just the E.R.”

  I nod. “Heading home?”

  “You know it. My sitter is probably going crazy with the kids by now. Brody is into everything and is a lot to manage right now. I’ll be skipping baths and putting their little butts to bed. If I’m lucky, I’ll enjoy a glass of wine and a hot bath. But with my luck, someone will be out of bed. The kids still miss dumbfuck and want male attention I just can’t give them.”

  “I can follow you home and help you out getting them ready for bed. We can have a glass of wine afterward.”

  “Jamie, you don’t have to do that. Go out and enjoy some drinks at the bar. Be young, you don’t need all this.”

  “Rowan, you are far from old.”

  “I know. Jamie, this is a consequence of my actions. I will take care of my kids. I know you find it hard to believe, but I wanted to have a house full of kids and stay at home. I went to nursing school to have a backup. I love those kids, I could never imagine my world without them. But never thought I’d be a single parent.”

  “Rowan.” I take a step closer to her, and she moves back.

  “Goodnight, Jamie. Have fun tonight.”

  “Be careful going home.” We part ways after a long shift, both of us unhappy with where our lives are going.

  As I climb into Gold Dust, the love I’ve always felt getting into her just isn’t there. I could make two decisions: go home and call it a night or drink myself into oblivion. Choice two it is, and if I do it right, I will be calling off tomorrow. I make shitty decisions all the time, and this will be no different.

  I pick a dive bar called Gary’s, a place where the whiskey flows, and the don’t-give-a-fucks happen. I park Gold Dust, and the parking lot has about six cars—definitely my speed after a day like today. I look in the mirror, pull all my hair up into a messy bun, and grab my license and some cash. I put my purse in the glove compartment, lock the car, and shove the keys in my bra.

  When I open the heavy wooden door, the tables are empty, and the patrons are at the bar.

  “Hey, Jamie.” Gary, the owner, yells when I walk in. It’s like Cheers. Gary’s is for the over-fifty crowd, and they don’t bother me. This shitty dive bar caters to me and leaves me the hell alone.

  “Gary.”

  “What are you drinking tonight?”

  “I want a tall Seven and Seven and a shot of Seagram’s on the side.”

  Gary pours the drink and shot and puts it in front of me. “I haven’t seen you in a while. Shit day?”

  “Yep.”

  Gary returns to serving the other patrons and leaves me to myself. I consume the first shot at 8:22 p.m. A few of the men talk politics and guns. I give them my two cents, and they move on. Time goes by at a slow pace as I stare at my phone. Gavin texts a few times, and I leave those texts unanswered. The last time I remember looking at the clock, it was 11:48 p.m. Four drinks and four shots end my night sooner than I expected. I lay my head down on the bar, thinking it will only be for a few minutes, and I’m gently woken up by Chris at 2:11 a.m.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “Jamie, you seem to forget I’m the one who introduced you to Gary’s.” He picks me up caveman style and carries me out of the bar. “Thanks, Gary.” Chris laughs as he walks out of the bar, and I give Gary a small wave.

  “Come back anytime, Jamie, anytime.” Gary chuckles as we go out the front door.

  Chris puts me in his front seat and buckles me in. He hands me a puke bag he got from the hospital. We both put them in our vehicles, vowing never to clean up vomit in our cars again. He rolls the window down to keep me cool on the way home.

  Chris gets me to the apartment and walks me up. “Where are your keys?” I start to pat my body down, trying to find them. Chris mumbles something. I think he says, “I can’t believe I’m getting ready to do this.” He gets my keys out of my bra. “Some things never change, Jamie.”

  We walk through the apartment, and Chris goes to the kitchen immediately. He grabs Alka Seltzer cold medicine, Ibuprofen, and Powerade. He walks me into the bathroom and gets me a tank top and shorts out of my dresser. “Jamie, I need you to change your own clothes.”

  “Okay.” I start and fumble and hear him mutter a “fuck.” Jamie, raise your arms above your head. He closes his eyes and removes my shirt, puts the tank top on, and repeats the process with my shorts.

  “Chris, you can open your eyes.”

  “How much fucking control do you think I have?” This question does not really require an answer. Chris helps me into bed. “Work in the morning?”

  I nod. “I have to work 11:00 a.m. to 11:00 p.m. I’m going to call off. Chris, thanks for being my friend.”

  Chris gives me a sympathetic look. “Always.” He gives me a light kiss on the temple and walks out. I fall asleep within a few seconds, praying for a dreamless sleep that I don’t deserve.

  Chapter 31

  The bright sun shines through the blinds, forcing me to wake up even though I’d rather not. My body is covered with sweat and filled with nausea this morning. I must get the alcohol out of my system somehow. I move my body in ten different directions, trying to find some comfort.

  I hear someone talking in the living room. Some pieces of the night before come back t
o me. Loads of alcohol, Gary’s, and Chris bringing me home. I lift the covers and see I’m wearing a tank top and shorts. The other side of the bed looks unslept in. I find the courage to get my ass out of bed and go to the bathroom.

  As I brush my teeth, I hear Chris talking on the phone. “Do you have any clue how I found her last night? I got a call from a dive bar to pick her up. She had five drinks and four shots. The owner is a decent enough guy that he called me. I walked in and found her practically passed out on the bar. She never goes out by herself. What happened between you and her? No, I didn’t fuck her. I did the job you were supposed to do, Gavin, and got her home safely. Whatever the fuck is going on, you need to fucking fix it. Fix. It. Gavin.”

  I finish getting myself together and go into the living room. “Rise and shine, Jamie. How are you feeling?”

  “Run over by a Mack truck, if that answers your question. I’m not going into work today. After the day we had in the E.R. yesterday, Rowan and I will need days to recover.”

  “Jamie, I think it is more than just your day at work.”

  “It is...please don’t ask me to talk about it.”

  “Jamie,” Chris says in a pleading tone. But he leaves it, and I take another dose of the hangover remedy. Chris offers to call me off work, and I kindly decline. I do take him up on his offer of helping pick up my car. On my way out the door, I call off work and vow to spend the day in bed watching Netflix and sleeping off and on most of the day.

  I struggle with the decision to tell Regan about what went down with Gavin. I follow through with my plan to spend the day in bed, watching the cheesy Hallmark movie channel instead of Netflix. It makes its best attempt to keep me distracted. I go in and out of sleep, never feeling any better when I wake up. Gavin’s texts remain unanswered. I have no words for him right now, except for a lot of cuss words.

  Rowan checks in with me today, and I talk to her. She has a full plate and my not returning her call would only add more worry.

  Julia checks in with no news to report. I’m not sure if that is a good thing or not. Silence has never been a good thing in our family. Silence signifies abandonment in my life. Silence is the only sound I remember when I got my Dear John letter from my parents. Silence means no fighting because Dad walked out again with no return date, or the epic calm when Jodi is on a downer binge. Julia is making dinner for the kids, and I long to be part of the background noise.