Broken Lies

by Roger Williams

  What happened? Could recognition of these lies he said he saw pave the way toward a resolution? Could it be that easy? Had all these things been mysteriously hidden from him for years, or worse, had he intentionally buried them? And if so, who was this man she had married? The one she fell in love with or someone else she shuddered to imagine? Chase said their problems had to do with his selfishness. Maybe so. But what about her own? Could her need for love and attention have been what pushed her husband away? Had Chase given her all he could and simply run dry? Had she been too demanding for more? Whatever the truth might be, Linda was determined to persevere. She knew it would take both of them working together to recover what they had lost.

  “You know that this is not good timing for me to be away,” Chase whispered in her ear as she cuddled up to him.

  “I’m not going to call him, Chase.”

  “Can you at least look at me when you say that?”

  Linda gazed into his eyes. He held her arms. “I’m not going to call him. You need to see your mom. I’ll be here with the children. It’ll be okay.”

  “I need you.” As soon as he said it, Chase realized he had never spoken those words to anyone, not even to his wife.

  “In what ways?”

  He rubbed his forehead, her question catching him off guard. “Well, just in the way you’re always there, in the way you’re strong. Um, I don’t know, in the way you encourage me. I really do need you.”

  “I need you, too.” Linda repeated the words. They sounded hollow, however, as if a magic moment had somehow come and gone.

  Chase fell quickly and soundly asleep. Linda looked at his arm gently stretched across her stomach. She always desired nights such as this, not merely the intimacy of lovemaking but the heartfelt sincerity of the man she had married. It had been too long. She felt frazzled and confused. Could this be the reason she reached out to someone from the past and naively thought this contact could be innocent? Not that she didn’t enjoy it. She loved the conversation, the feeling of freedom to laugh and to be herself, and reminiscing about mutual friends.

  Sure, she felt uneasy when he remembered her beauty and her captivating green eyes and told her how much he thought about her every day. The awkwardness became easy to ignore because of the overwhelming sense of acceptance she felt after the compliments. It had been only three weeks. Could she really cut their ties? Linda knew with certainty that she wouldn’t call or email, but what about him? Would he pursue her? Had she opened the door a bit too far for him to accept having it so quickly slammed in his face? Would she talk with him if he did call?

  Linda tried desperately to sleep, tossing back and forth in bed, taking off the covers, and then putting them back on. An hour later she still lay awake, staring at the ceiling, a few tears finding their way down the side of her face and onto her hair. She stroked her curls.

  CHAPTER 9

  Chase woke early the following morning and called United for flights to Syracuse on Saturday. The weekend departure would give him the day to wrap up sales consultations before leaving. After securing a 1 p.m. flight, he left a message with Doctor Rhinegold asking to change their scheduled appointment to Friday if possible.

  After hurriedly preparing Amy and Ryan for school, Linda rushed past him into the kitchen without a word. Chase noticed her stress. “Hey, babe, I’ll make their lunches today and drop them off. Why don’t you just take it easy?”

  Eyebrows raised in surprise, Linda placed her hands on Chase’s face. “That’s so sweet, hon’, but really I can manage.”

  “I know you can, but I want to help.”

  “All right then. Do you know how to make sandwiches?”

  “Get out of here!” Chase said playfully, tickling Linda. “Hey kids!” he yelled down the hallway, still holding her waist, “Daddy’s taking you to school. Be ready to go in five minutes. By the way, babe,” he said as Linda squirmed away, “I found a flight for Saturday.”

  “Perfect. I’m sure everyone will be glad you’re there.”

  Chase found quite a bit of pleasure in the fifteen-minute drive to school with his children. He knew the names of their teachers and their friends but asked again just for the joy of hearing their surprised responses when he feigned ignorance.

  From there he drove to his office in Irwindale. His company sold chemicals to industrial plants all over the nation. Though employed as an independent contractor, Chase felt like part of the firm in every other way. After his first two years, the owners gave him free rein with their other reps. He had demonstrated his uncanny abilities, and company sales had increased by more than 15 percent in twelve months. Chase’s office consisted of three fabric dividers with a small desk and a computer, but he didn’t mind. He was hired to produce, so salespeople became his primary focus.

  The younger of the two brothers who owned the company greeted him first that morning. Tom had a slight build, small, manicured hands, and a belly that protruded over his belt. A receding hairline made him look a little older than a man in his forties. The laugh wrinkles around his eyes matched his affable nature. “Good morning, Chase. How is everything going?”

  “Hi, Tom. Not too good actually. I got a call last night that my mother in New York is dying.”

  “Oh, I am so sorry.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Anything we can do?”

  “Yes. I need to go see her right away, so I booked a flight for Saturday. I shouldn’t be away too long, but I hope this is okay.”

  “Of course it is! Take whatever time you need.”

  “Thanks a lot. All I need to do now is contact James about a few clients he’s working with and then talk to Alan over in Dallas. I shouldn’t be much more than a few hours. Most of the other work I can do on my laptop.”

  “Sure, no problem. Hey, you look different,” Tom said.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I don’t know. Just something about you. You seem quite relaxed considering the circumstances, like you just got a massage or something.”

  The comment took Chase by surprise. He was unable to recall any time in his life when someone thought of him as relaxed. He considered himself to be more of a fighter, not someone radiating tranquility. Hmm, Chase mused, I wonder what he’s noticing. “Thanks a lot,” he answered. “I needed that.”

  Chase retreated outside that afternoon, cigar in one hand, two cans of Miller in the other. He told Linda that Doctor Rhinegold had rescheduled their appointment for the next afternoon and asked her to join him on the patio when she could. Only one day had passed since his vision, or whatever it was, on this same swing. He chose the same brand of cigar and sat in the same spot, attempting not to appear superstitious. Taking a pensive puff on his dark Partagas, he surveyed the grounds for anything unusual. He closed his eyes for several seconds and reopened them, looking down near his hip for a web. He tried to imagine staring through different dimensions and attempted to use his thoughts to bend objects in the yard. His contorted face must have caught Linda’s attention.

  “Chase, what on earth are you doing?”

  “Wow! You look beautiful!” She wore a spring dress he’d never noticed before. The pink and red flowers adorning it were woven into a maze of teal lines. The hem skimmed her knees, the fabric flowing across her long, graceful legs. Her light-brown hair curled softly down her shoulders, moving gently in the breeze.

  “Why thank you! Is this a good time to join you?”

  “Totally,” he answered, handing her a beer. “Let me just have you sit here, and I’ll move to the other side so the smoke won’t bother you.”

  “Okay, thanks. Now tell me what you were doing out here.”

  “You were watching me?”

  “Yes, as I walked out.”

  “Well I was simply trying to see if the spider web would reappear and if more lies would be flying out of it. I even hoped that vo
ice would speak again.”

  “I thought you said it was your own.”

  “Well yeah, of course, but it was weird. That’s all I can say. Just didn’t seem like me, kind of like someone speaking through me, moving my lips.”

  Linda shook her head. “I’ve never heard of such a thing.”

  “Well anyway,” he said with a shrug, “that’s what ol’ Chase was up to.”

  “So you told me you wanted to share more about your lies—how did you put it?—the lies you believed about yourself.”

  “Yes, and I just finished writing a few of them down.” Chase reached into the back pocket of his pants. “Here. I hope you can read my scribbling.”

  Linda opened the twice-folded paper, staring at the title he had placed at the top, “The Spider Web.” She glanced at Chase and then began to read with cautious anticipation.

  Something suddenly broke into my world like a huge wave that overpowers and crushes anyone who dares stand in its path. I saw many lies I’ve accepted as reality all my life. Here are a few that have affected, and infected, my relationship with Linda:

  First, this is who I am and I cannot change, and I wouldn’t want to change even if I could.

  Second, I cannot provide touch to those who need it.

  Third, I cannot be open and vulnerable with Linda.

  Fourth, I cannot be a good friend to Linda, much less her best friend.

  I am not certain where to begin in this battle against lifelong lies, but perhaps for the first time, I desire change. I will fight for my marriage and my family, doing whatever it takes to overcome my misconceptions about who I am.

  Linda’s hands trembled slightly, her lips quivered, and her tears slowly dropped onto the paper below. She carefully and lovingly handed it back to Chase. “Hon’, that is so beautiful. I had no idea what you were going through.”

  “Neither did I! Writing it down solidified it, but I’m not exactly sure where any of this will lead. I guess just one step at a time, as they say.”

  “That works for me.”

  Linda told Chase through her tears how she’d already noticed changes in him. He wanted to know specifics. “You’re more attentive, more sensitive—you know, the way you treated me last night and this morning. You seem less guarded or something.”

  “Well, babe, I think this is the real thing. I mean, I’ve attempted to change my ways in the past whenever you’ve pointed out various dysfunctions. Behavior modification can certainly be effective for a time, but in my case, it never completely takes root. I can find no comparison with whatever happened to me yesterday. I’ve held on to more than twenty years of lies! The web I was in and the way I saw myself being spun and then nearly bitten by the black widow … I don’t know. I think there was simply no way of getting free without some sort of major miracle.”

  “So you think that’s what happened, a miracle?”

  “I guess so. Due to my stubbornness, it apparently took something dramatic like this to bring the needed change.”

  “It all sounds great, but I don’t totally get it yet. Are you saying that you’ve never noticed any of these behavioral traits before, that they appeared magically out of nowhere?”

  “No, I’ve been aware of them. I just thought that they were part of who I am, that I couldn’t do anything about them.”

  “And your plan at this point, besides taking one step at a time?”

  “To discover who I really am.”

  “Well I’m for that! I just hope it continues,” Linda said with raised brows.

  “Me too! I don’t want to go back to the way I was. I see now that I pushed us apart into our own little worlds. I have no idea why, but it must have been the lies dictating how I treated you. I am so sorry, babe.”

  Linda tenderly touched his leg. “It’s okay. I sure hope this trip is good for you.”

  The next morning, while Chase was busy packing, Linda checked her emails and stopped cold. Trembling, she opened the dreaded message. He hadn’t heard from her in several days. Wondered how she was doing. Couldn’t sleep much after her last email. Missed her greatly. He would call her soon.

  Linda deleted the message, her body shaking as she did it. What could she possibly do now? Write him back and tell him once more never to contact her again? Or call him to make sure he was okay or didn’t do something dramatic? “I’ll wait till Saturday,” she concluded, “after Chase is gone.”

  CHAPTER 10

  When they stepped into the waiting room that afternoon, Doctor Rhinegold stood at his office door with a grin. “Come on in! Have a seat,” he said cheerfully as the door shut behind them.

  Linda sat on the middle of the sofa. Chase rested himself next to her, taking her hand in his. The doctor took mental note. “So, Chase, how have things been going?”

  “Actually it’s been quite amazing. We’ve been able to talk, communicate, connect again. I feel positive about everything so far.”

  “Great. And you?” he asked, peering at Linda through his thick eyebrows.

  “I couldn’t ask for more. Chase has been very open, sharing deeply with me and going through some incredible changes. I think it’s good.”

  “What type of changes do you mean?”

  “Well he had this experience. Honey, you should tell him.”

  “Sure.” Chase shared his spider-web vision in vivid detail. He could see Rhinegold’s interest increasing as the doctor scribbled notes on his pad. When Chase mentioned the voice that had spoken to him, the doctor interrupted.

  “What do you mean by a different type of voice?”

  “Well, it was definitely mine but eerie, like someone else speaking or someone manipulating my voice.”

  “Have you ever had such an experience before?”

  “No. Never.”

  “Would you say that this was a voice in your head? Or did it seem audible?”

  “Definitely audible, as clear as anything I’ve ever heard.”

  “And you feel that you yourself spoke the words.”

  “Yes. I mean, I think so.”

  The doctor fingered his eyebrows. “Interesting. And what do you think the voice meant by saying to you, ‘Watch me’?”

  “I have no idea. Does it sound a little crazy?”

  “No, not at all. It says to me that all along you’ve wanted to change but didn’t know how. Your own voice is perhaps encouraging you that this is achievable, that this can be done.”

  “Makes sense.”

  “Okay, continue.”

  Chase explained as best he could how the lifetime lies had shot toward his face and had disappeared just as quickly.

  The doctor frowned. “Tell me more about these words.”

  “Well here,” Chase said, unfolding his notes. “I wrote a few of them down so I wouldn’t forget, mainly the ones I recognized as having affected Linda.”

  Doctor Rhinegold spent a few minutes studying the paper, thoughtfully rubbing his chin, peeking at Chase once or twice, and then nodding to himself before raising his eyebrows. “Would you like me to give my opinion about this?”

  “Absolutely.”

  The doctor cleared his throat. “First of all, I’m pleased that you’ve expressed a desire to change, that you’re no longer willing to accept the lie that you are who you are and cannot make positive alterations in your life. Is this what you’re saying?”

  “Yes. I mean, I’ve never thought like this before. I’ve always believed that I am who I am and that people just have to accept me for that. I’m beginning to see that this is a lie, that I can be whoever I want to be. I think I’ve kind of known that all along, but seeing the lies exposed so vividly added much more understanding.”

  “I’ll bet it did,” agreed the doctor, leaning back in his chair. “Now what about this issue of touch? Apparently that has been a problem for you?”
/>
  Chase and Linda smiled. “Oh yeah. I’ve been thinking about that a lot. There was actually a whole layer of lies in this area, one built upon the other. It started, I think, with the notion that I’m Irish and British. You know, the stereotype that they don’t touch.”

  The doctor nodded in agreement. Chase continued. “Well once I accepted that, the next layer of lies arose from viewing a model or example of not touching, basically given me by my parents. And even though that was true of them, it led to the lie that because of my heritage and my upbringing, I did not need to be touched by others. Then I concluded that since I didn’t need touch, even if I wanted to change and to learn how to be more tactile, I wouldn’t enjoy such change. Do you know what I’m saying?”

  “I’m with you, Chase, but can I ask you a question at this point?”

  “Sure.”

  “This is an incredible amount of understanding in such a short time. How have you been able to come so quickly to these remarkable conclusions?”

  Chase chuckled. “The few times I’ve been able to write down my thoughts have been amazing. Things I’ve never thought of or considered seem to pour out of my mind. What you have in your hand is only a summary of what’s come to me.”

  “That’s indeed amazing. Please go on with this issue of touch.”

  “Okay. When I concluded that I didn’t need to give or to receive touch, I became completely satisfied with who I was. Then, if others needed touch, well, they’d have to get it from someone else. After all, I couldn’t reasonably be expected to supply something that it wasn’t in me to provide. Finally, I suppose that I resented anyone trying to change me in this area. My attitude was essentially “Leave me alone because this is who I am.” Over the years, this attitude evolved into a complicated, confusing layer of lies that formed a web around me.”