Broken Lies

by Roger Williams

  As he drove toward Frank and Allie’s, Chase felt gratified by the changes he had experienced. He was pleased that upstate New York and all it represented existed in his past, that he had a wonderful family and a good career, and that something new, fresh, and exciting had happened in his life.

  He even became mysteriously content with the ambiguity of the event on his patio. Though Chase couldn’t explain the hand or the voice, he knew that the lies were too real to deny. That Linda noticed considerable changes in his behavior testified to their reality. She would never accept more of the meaningless and temporary promises he had made in the past. And even if he could never identify the source of his freedom, Chase felt secure enough to leave that question unanswered and to wholeheartedly pursue the revelation that he indeed could become a new person.

  By the time Chase pulled up to the house, the one Frank and Allie had lived in for years, exhaustion overwhelmed him. Man, that was a long trip, he thought. Clutching his suitcase in one hand and his carry-on in the other, he stepped up to the front door. He tapped lightly several times and knocked more loudly after about a minute.

  The door opened and Frank stood in his robe, bleary-eyed but grinning like a little boy. “Chase!” he shouted, reaching out to embrace him. “Great to see you! Come on in.”

  Allie waited in the entryway with outstretched hands, buoyant and breezy as ever. “It’s been so long! How was your flight? Can I get you something? Maybe some coffee?”

  He stole a kiss on her cheek. “No, thanks. I’m just whipped. A nice bed sounds better.”

  “We have one made up in the guest room. I put towels on your bed, so just make yourself at home. How are Linda and the children?”

  “Oh, they’re great.”

  “And you?”

  Frank stopped her questions. “Allie, I think he needs some shut-eye. Why don’t we talk in the morning?” Chase nodded his agreement.

  “Okay then,” Allie said cheerfully. “I’ll have the coffee brewing. Chase, it’s so good to see you!”

  “Good to see you too, Allie. Seems like forever. And thanks for putting me up. I really love you guys.”

  “Wow!” Allie exclaimed. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say that! We love you too. Anything else you need?”

  “I’m good.”

  “Okay, well, get a good night’s sleep, and we’ll go see Mom as soon as you’re up.”

  Chase hauled his bags upstairs, plopped on the bed without removing his clothes, and immediately fell into a deep sleep. Five hours later, around seven in the morning, he got up to go to the kitchen for a drink of water. Walking downstairs and into the living room, he saw Linda sitting on the sofa in deep reflection. He didn’t question her being at Frank and Allie’s but quietly knelt behind her, placed his hands on her shoulders, and tenderly asked if she felt okay.

  He immediately sensed a presence. Someone slowly crept toward them from the study. It could be Frank, but somehow Chase knew that wasn’t possible and that danger lurked right behind them. Panic seized him as the eerie presence walked past the sofa, glanced over at Linda, and mechanically asked, “What’s going on?” Without waiting for a response, the presence continued toward the kitchen.

  Chase turned to look and nearly collapsed. It was himself, but he was wrapped in rags like a mummy. Completely dumbfounded, Chase nevertheless instinctively knew this to be his old self, the same desperate, terrified person flailing in the spider web. He rubbed his face with his trembling hands before looking up again. The figure was gone. In disgust Chase resolutely vowed, “I’ll never be that person again.”

  Instantly Chase found himself back in bed. Glancing at the alarm clock, he saw that the green numbers read seven-thirty-three. He wiped the perspiration from his brow and noticed his body shaking. He looked around the room but saw nothing out of place. What had just happened? Did he actually get up and go downstairs? Did he really see what he thought he saw? Linda was there, so it had to be a dream, one of those vivid dreams that seem so real.

  No, he couldn’t believe that. This was much more substantial than a dream. Didn’t he just climb back into bed? Chase stroked his chin. He considered calling Linda but realized the hour on the West Coast. Digging for his laptop, he opened it up on the small antique desk and drafted an email.

  Linda my love,

  I hope all is well with you and the children. I arrived at Frank’s early this morning and had the strangest experience a few minutes ago. I got out of bed and walked downstairs and then noticed you sitting on Frank and Allie’s couch. This was something similar to a dream but much more tangible, even more so than the web, if you can believe that.

  Anyway, after I knelt down behind you, I felt someone creeping up behind us. When he came into view I saw that it was me, a walking corpse or something! I was kneeling behind you, trying to give you comfort, but the old me, the man I saw move past us, behaved as I once did, barely recognizing you and walking into the kitchen. We didn’t make eye contact since he seemed to look beyond me or through me. I then resolved, out loud, never to be that person again!

  What do you think it’s all about? I believe that I’m changing, and maybe I simply saw an aspect of myself that treated you so poorly, the part that separated our lives and forced you to make it on your own. I am so sorry, Linda. I’ve put you through a lot, but I don’t want to be that person any longer. I wish you were here. I’m already missing you. Hug the kids for me and call as soon as you can.

  Love,

  Chase

  He hit “send,” closed his laptop, and went downstairs.

  **

  “You’re up early!” chirped Allie as Chase made his way into the kitchen. “Did you sleep well?”

  “Short but good.”

  “Coffee?”

  “Definitely.”

  “It’ll be ready in a minute. It’s so nice to see you again after all these years! We’ve really missed you. Frank went out to the bakery and should return shortly. Can I get you anything else in the meantime?”

  “No, coffee’s fine. Hey Allie, how long have you been downstairs?”

  “What, you mean this morning?”

  “Yeah.”

  “We just got up maybe ten minutes ago. Why?”

  “Oh, just wondering.” He checked his cell phone and saw that it was seven-fifty-five. “So how have you been?”

  Chase listened, savoring each sip of freshly ground beans as Allie chattered away about Frank, their business, some neighbor down the street who accidentally ran into the back of their parked car last week, and other apparently meaningful topics. His mind moved in and out of the conversation as he continued to contemplate what had taken place less than an hour before. Chase enjoyed reconnecting, but the event and the impending visit with his mother weighed heavily on him.

  When Frank marched through the front door toward the kitchen, Chase had just finished his second cup. “Well good morning, Chase. You’re up early! Didn’t expect that.”

  “Yeah I know. Had this crazy dream or somethin’ I’ll have to tell you about later after we see Mom.”

  “Sure. Well, since you’re up, I’ve got some fresh bread and a few pastries, so why don’t we eat, catch up, and then go to the hospital?”

  “You guys go ahead. I need to take a quick shower. I’ll be down right after that.” As much as he desired to converse with them, Chase determined that his mission was to visit his mother, stay as long as needed, and return to Linda and the kids sooner rather than later. He understood that it must be special for Frank to have his kid brother around after all this time, but it wasn’t as if they never talked. Or maybe he simply felt uncomfortable back in his old neighborhood, a place with too many bad memories.

  CHAPTER 12

  On the way to the hospital, Chase tried to sound interested in the conversation, nodding and agreeing, sharing a little about Amy and Ryan, li
stening to more stories of how the town had changed over the years, who still lived there, and who had moved. Frank and Allie asked him a couple of times if he felt all right; he said yes, that he was just tired, which at the moment seemed mostly true.

  He didn’t care for hospitals. Too many sick people, obviously, but the problem didn’t stop there. A certain odor prevailed, a mixture of dirty socks and disinfectant that filled his nose and hurried his pace. Several years had passed since his last visit to one of these places. He stayed in touch with Aunt Betty, periodically calling her to check in and usually eluding the subject of religion. One day she phoned with news of a sudden fall and a broken hip. Chase jumped in his car for the hour drive to Riverside. His visit encouraged her, though it forced him to tolerate more declarations of Jesus’ love for him. Later rescued from the repellant odor, Aunt Betty made a full recovery at home.

  “She’s in here,” Frank announced, walking first into room 302. “Morning, Mom. Guess who’s here?”

  “Frank? Is that you?”

  Chase peeked around his brother’s larger frame and saw a shell of what used to be his mother. He held back a gasp. Wrinkled and frail, she was nearly unrecognizable, certainly not the strong woman he so fondly remembered. Frank had warned him, saying that the rare disease she had contracted, Avian something, continued to take a toll on her body, rapidly aging her. Still, Chase was unprepared for what he saw; his mother had become a mere semblance of the person he once knew. Did he dare express concern? Could he touch her? Would she even remember him?

  “Chase?” She peered at him. “Chase! It’s you! Come over here!” She weakly held out her bony arms as he bent over the bed and gingerly met her hands with his. “Oh son, it’s so good to see you. It’s been way too long.”

  “I know, Mom. I’m glad I’m here. How are you?”

  She winked. “They tell me there’s nothing they can do to fix me, so I guess I’m not too good!”

  “Well at least you’ve still got your sense of humor!” Chase relaxed with the knowledge that her faculties were intact. Looking into her cloudy eyes, nearly closed over by sagging skin, he searched longingly to see the mother of his youth.

  “Sit down, Chase. … No, closer to me. … There you go. Where are Linda and the children? Are they with you?”

  “No, they couldn’t come right away, but I can send for them if, um, if you—”

  “If I’m gonna die right away?” she interrupted with a chuckle, coughing with difficulty as she smiled at the three of them.

  Chase squirmed. “Well I didn’t mean that, but, well, I don’t know. Let’s just play it by ear.”

  Allie saved him. “Hey Mom, why don’t you tell Chase what you told Frank and me yesterday?”

  “What, that I’d break his neck if he didn’t come to see me?”

  “Of course not! You know what I’m talking about.”

  “I found out your father died two weeks ago,” she said dryly, staring at the TV on the wall.

  Chase stiffened, startled by her words, though somehow not saddened. “Really?” he managed. “How’d it happen?”

  “Heart attack. Probably never did give up drinking.”

  He looked over at Frank and Allie. “Why didn’t you guys tell me?”

  “You were already on the plane out here,” Frank said. “Thought it best if Mom told you.”

  “Was there a funeral?”

  “Lane was the first to get a call. His number was evidently the only one in Dad’s wallet. All we know is that Dad lived in Jersey for who knows how long, died of a heart attack, and was buried a couple of weeks ago.”

  “Wow,” Chase quietly responded, shaking his head.

  They spent another ten minutes or so reminiscing, avoiding any events that revolved around their father, and sharing jokes and lighthearted stories. Chase remained dazed by the news as they talked on and on. Why should he be surprised that his dad had died suddenly and apparently alone? Why should he care? He had no good reason to feel sympathy or grief or even regret that he didn’t get a chance to see him after all these years.

  But perhaps he felt regret after all, having been robbed of the chance to know his father in adulthood. His dad never did meet his wife and his children and never had the opportunity to see his youngest son as a successful man. And what about his recent incredible experiences? Wouldn’t it have been great to share with his father the internal and external changes beginning to manifest themselves as well as the lifelong lies suddenly exposed? Wouldn’t it have been something to see his father’s reaction when they reunited after so much time apart?

  No, probably not. His dad clearly chose to walk out on everyone, obviously deciding never to see his family again. So why think about him now as if somehow things could have been different? As if somehow his own long-overdue appearance would have transformed his father’s life? Still, it would have been nice to see him one more time, at least to say good-bye. But maybe he should … no, but then again …

  Chase pulled himself from his thoughts. “Frank, Allie, do you guys mind if I spend a few minutes alone with Mom?”

  “Not at all,” said Allie. “We’ll wait for you in the lobby. Good-bye, Mom.” She bent over to kiss her on the cheek. “See you soon.”

  “You better!” the sickly woman exclaimed, receiving a peck from Frank on her wrinkled forehead.

  Chase shifted awkwardly on the bed, waiting for the large hospital room door to close. “Mom,” he began, inching closer to her, “I’d like to share something quite amazing that happened to me a few days ago.”

  “Sure, honey. Go ahead.”

  He related every detail of the spider story, looking for any sort of affirmation. Chase watched her eyes, once or twice thinking he noticed a certain twinkle. When he finished, his mother reached for his hand. “This makes a lot of sense to me.”

  “Really?” he asked incredulously.

  “Yes … um, can you help me with this, Chase?” she asked, attempting to reposition the pillows behind her. “Thank you.” She cleared her throat several times, and Chase noticed that it caused her pain to do so. “I’m not sure how much you’re aware of my upbringing, how the kids in school used to tease me because I was so shy. Of course that only added to my fears and my feelings of rejection. For most of my life, I was terrified about what people thought of me.” She coughed and then continued. “When I finally stood up to your father, it was the first time I could remember fighting for myself and my rights.”

  “I had no idea.”

  “Yes, and for many years not much changed, but after you suddenly left, I began to see myself differently. I made new relationships at church and enjoyed life like never before.”

  “How come you never told me all this?”

  “Oh, I don’t know. I didn’t think you’d find it very interesting.”

  “Well you’re probably right,” Chase agreed, “but now I see why my story rings true with you. Sounds like we have both made a few good changes.”

  “Chase, just hold on to what you know to be true. Don’t listen to the lies any longer. They’ll try to return, so you have to be strong and resist them. After a while, you’ll be able to tell the true you from your lied-to self more and more quickly.”

  “Wow! That’s amazing, Mom! I can’t believe you have such insight in this area. I didn’t think anybody had gone through what I just experienced.”

  “I did. Just in a different way.”

  “Well I can’t wait to hear more. I’ll be back every day to see you.”

  “We shall see how long that lasts.”

  “You mean how long you’re, um, going to—”

  “Live?”

  “Well … yeah. Can you tell?”

  “I will never die!” she exclaimed with a hoarse chuckle. “At least in your memories.”

  Chase hugged his mother and gave her a kiss on the chee
k. “Okay, see you soon.”

  As he entered the lobby, Allie questioned him. “You okay? You seem kind of out of it.”

  “Yeah, I’m fine. I think I need a nap.”

  Chase saw that he had missed a call from Linda since he had silenced his cell phone in the hospital. Back upstairs in his room, he returned the call.

  “Hi, hon’!” she answered with notable enthusiasm. “How are you over there?”

  “I’m okay. I’ll tell you in a bit. How are the kids?”

  “Everything’s normal. They miss you already.”

  “I miss them too. Anything new?”

  “No. I’m just trying to stay busy. Have you seen your mom yet?”

  “Just got back. She’s pretty chipper despite her condition, but nobody knows how much longer she has. What’s really weird is that I just found out my dad died a couple of weeks ago.”

  “Oh Chase, I’m so sorry. That’s awful.”

  “Well you know me and my dad. But it’s crazy that I never saw him again. I’ve been thinking that I might drive down to Jersey and visit his gravesite.”

  “Oh?”

  “Yeah, just something I’m considering. Hey, did you get my email?”

  “I read it a while ago. That’s why I called. Quite fascinating, to say the least.”

  “I’ll say. What do you think?”

  “I copied this thing from the Internet after doing some research. What happened to you last night, or I guess this morning, could be something others have experienced.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well at first I thought it was just a vivid dream, but then I considered your spider-web incident and wondered if something bigger is going on. That led me to discover an explanation called doppelganger.”

  “Dopple what?”

  “Doppelganger. It says here that it’s someone seeing his or her double, a lookalike. ‘It’s also used,’ and I’m quoting, ‘to describe the sensation of having glimpsed oneself in peripheral vision in a position where there is no chance that it could have been a reflection … In some traditions, a doppelganger of a person’s friends or relatives portends illness or danger, while seeing one’s own doppelganger is an omen of death,’ although we don’t have to believe all that,” she added.