Broken Lies

by Roger Williams

  “I can’t think about that,” Chase said aloud. Until today, he had thought that he had to earn back her trust, but now the opposite seemed truer. Chase had no idea how to treat Linda when she returned with the children. He had to act normal, but he didn’t feel normal at the moment.

  The family watched a movie together that night, Chase attempting to ignore his emotions and to banter playfully with Amy and Ryan. He watched Linda from his chair, but after thirty minutes or so of observing her distress, he got up and sat next to her. Linda buried her face in his chest. Chase held her tightly, caressing her hair, wanting to believe her, and hoping for another breakthrough. He replayed his encounter with Stan, attempting to think the best of his wife without being naïve.

  Linda didn’t move from the safety of his arms. He felt the beating of her heart, smelled the fragrance of her perfume, and was content merely to remain present for her.

  Linda’s breathing calmed. This felt right. She was comforted by her husband, who, though understandably distraught, demonstrated his love and tenderness. “I need you, Chase.”

  He didn’t respond but held her more tightly.

  Linda finally rose to put a sleepy Ryan in his bed, while Chase sat on Amy’s comforter. “You know I love you, Amy.”

  “I know, Daddy.”

  “I mean I really love you,” he said with emphasis.

  “I know!” she said, giggling.

  Chase gave her a hug and a kiss, stroking her hair until she fell asleep. He gave her another kiss on the cheek before entering Ryan’s room.

  “Hey, buddy. You awake?”

  “Kinda.”

  “Well I love you a lot, Ryan.” He continued, not expecting his son to respond. “It’s going to be different around here. I want to do some fun things with the family, go camping, Disneyland, the movies—”

  “Disneyland?” Ryan asked, his eyes widening.

  “Sure. Why not? I don’t expect you to understand, but your dad is going through some big changes, and I want to be around more. It’ll be cool!”

  “Okay, but I want to go to Disneyland!”

  “We’ll do it soon. Now go to sleep and I’ll see you in the morning.” He leaned over and kissed him on the forehead.

  “Night, Daddy.”

  Chase carefully opened his bedroom door. The lights were out. Not wanting to disturb Linda, he stealthily slipped out of his clothes and crawled into bed.

  Linda stirred. “You okay, hon’?”

  “I don’t know. Just tired.”

  “Me too. Please know that I love you. I am so sorry, but I’m willing to work through everything with you.”

  “I know,” Chase responded wearily. “We’ll go see the doctor and take one step at a time.”

  Linda put her hand on his shoulder. “I love you, Chase.”

  “Love you too.”

  CHAPTER 17

  Chase had made a morning appointment with Rhinegold. After they dropped off the children at school, Chase put on the oldies station to avoid any uncomfortable conversation. No reason to delve into deep matters on our own, he thought. Linda stared straight ahead, wondering what had happened to the tender moments of the previous night. Can’t rush him in these things, she concluded.

  “Well hello, you two!” Rhinegold said cheerfully. “Come on in.” As soon as they settled themselves, the doctor continued. “It’s been nearly two weeks since I’ve seen you. Let’s catch up. What’s new?”

  Chase recounted his doppelganger vision along with everything else he’d experienced since they’d last met. The doctor wanted to know more about each ordeal, visibly amazed that so much had occurred in such a short time. Chase didn’t mind; however, he wanted to discuss what he considered the primary issue.

  More than twenty minutes passed and Rhinegold backtracked to the doppelganger. “Now you said the person you saw in the hallway resembled the one entangled in the spider web?”

  “Listen, Doc,” said Chase impatiently, “I don’t want to monopolize the whole time today. We need to discuss something that happened between the two of us.”

  “Certainly. What is it?” he asked, not appearing at all offended by Chase’s abruptness.

  “Well just yesterday we saw the guy Linda was having an affair with and—”

  “It was not an affair,” Linda cut in sternly.

  “All right. I’m sorry,” Chase said, looking at her. “The guy you had some sort of an emotional connection with. Anyway, Doctor Rhinegold, we were shopping yesterday and he appeared out of nowhere. I didn’t like his attitude, so I punched him out.”

  “You hit the man?”

  “Yeah, a few good ones. Told him to stay out of our lives.”

  “Had there been any contact with him prior to this?”

  Linda squirmed. Chase answered. “That’s part of the problem. Linda hid the fact that she called him at least once and he—”

  “It was only once,” she interjected firmly.

  The doctor wanted to prevent an argument. “Linda, why don’t you finish telling the story?”

  She glanced at Chase and then back at the doctor. “Well, I know the things you told me to do and not to do, but, um, I just felt I had to call him one more time.”

  “Okay.”

  “So I did after Chase left for New York.”

  “Chase knew nothing of this contact then.”

  “No. I didn’t want him to worry with everything going on out there. I just called the guy and told him that he apparently wanted something I didn’t, that I was committed to my husband, and that he should no longer call me. I said that we never had anything between us.”

  “And then what happened?”

  “I hung up and thought that was it.”

  “Until he interrupted your shopping.”

  Linda leaned forward and spoke with concern, almost in a whisper. “He doesn’t even live around here, Doctor Rhinegold. I don’t know how he could’ve possibly known where we’d be.”

  “Oh, I’m sure he didn’t, but guys like this typically don’t give up. He did know where you live, correct?”

  “Yes.”

  Chase shook his head. The doctor noticed. “What’s going on inside of you?”

  “I keep finding out new things the more we talk! First I thought that not much occurred between them and that it was over. Then I find out there have been at least two conversations, and now she says the guy knows where we live. This feels a lot bigger than it did originally. Makes me wonder if there’s even more.”

  Rhinegold noticed Linda looking away and taking a deep breath.

  “Linda, can you understand how Chase is feeling?”

  “Sure I do. I didn’t want this sort of thing to happen in the first place, and I certainly didn’t want it to hurt our relationship.”

  “So is there anything else you should be telling Chase?”

  “There are no secrets if that’s what you’re asking. He keeps prodding me, trying to learn more about the specifics of what we did or how we communicated. When Stan showed up yesterday, that was the first time I had seen him in nearly twenty years.” She looked over at her husband. “That’s the truth, Chase. We never got together, no physical contact, just talking on the phone and a few emails.”

  “Chase, can you accept what Linda is saying?”

  “I guess I have to. I can’t keep torturing myself with all the what-ifs. It’s just hard. That’s all.”

  Clearing his throat, Rhinegold said, “Things like this are never easy. Trust has been broken, and that takes time and a lot of work to restore.” He turned toward Linda, inching forward in his leather chair.

  “Listen to me closely, Linda. You admittedly were lonely and felt ignored by Chase and unwittingly allowed yourself to be drawn into a dangerous game of cat and mouse, completely unaware that the cat was out to get you. Oh,
you probably sensed that the situation was wrong, that continued conversations and flirtation were not a good idea, but this felt comforting and satisfying and gave you something to look forward to.

  “In fact, even the secrecy of it all became stimulating. When secrets are kept, your adrenaline kicks in, telling you what you’re doing is fun and exciting. You want more; you’ve got to get your fix. That is precisely why it’s so difficult to stop. A relationship becomes an addiction. And though promises to quit are genuine, they are often empty due to the power of the addiction. So let me ask you, Linda, can you see this relationship as an addiction that will destroy your life if you continue?”

  “Yes. I’m not going to continue it,” she answered resolutely. “It’s totally over.”

  “Good, but can you see that what you had was as powerful and deadly as heroin and that had you kept going, your addiction would have grown and your family would have been destroyed?”

  “No, I never thought about it that way.”

  “Well thank goodness it lasted only a few weeks. Much less addiction. Easier to quit. So keep that picture in your mind. No matter what that guy may have told you, he is as deadly as heroin. You would have lost everything, okay?”

  “Okay.” Linda fingered her curls, embarrassed.

  “And Chase, I urge you to slow down with your desire to uncover all the facts. It’s best if you stop asking and prodding since it isn’t going to help the situation. If you believe your wife, there is not much to discover anyway. I think it’s time to set all this aside and to pursue the path you were on, the path to rediscovering yourself, which of course led to the rediscovery of your marriage. Don’t allow this predicament to tear apart the beautiful thing that is being built.”

  He paused a moment, fingering his chin. “Now let me ask you something, Chase. If you continue to press for what you think is the whole truth in this crisis, and if you continue to punish your wife by not relenting in your quest to uncover all the details, but learn that such behavior might destroy your marriage, will you keep it up?”

  “Of course not.”

  Rhinegold nodded. “There is your answer. And one more thing. Chase, do you find any connection between your behavior and Linda’s?”

  “I did think about that.”

  “And what did you conclude?”

  “That I’m not the innocent one here. I’ve got my own issues, probably ones that created this whole mess in the first place.”

  “Could that awareness provide you with a bit more compassion for Linda?”

  “Yeah, I think it can.” Chase reached for Linda’s hand, meeking smiling.

  “Well good,” the doctor said with his own smile. “I truly appreciate the way you both are willing to take responsibility.”

  “Thanks,” Chase said. “But before we’re done, can I ask you a question?”

  “Sure. Go ahead.”

  Chase rubbed his forehead. “I’ve been considering my abandonment issue and wondering if a thought I had is normal: the idea that I have emotionally abandoned other people due to my fear of them abandoning me. Maybe it’s what I did to Linda, you know, leaving her emotionally empty based upon my own insecurity. It sounds crazy to do to someone else the very thing I fear, which of course leads to my own abandonment in the end.”

  “No, Chase, that’s not crazy. It’s not healthy, but when a person experiences abandonment, he often will vow never to be abandoned or rejected again. So to guarantee that won’t occur, the person will push people away to protect himself.”

  “That makes no sense whatsoever,” Chase said, rolling his eyes. “It’s so naïve. And actually kind of stupid!”

  “But Chase, you’ve said yourself that this was a lie you’ve held on to. Since when are lies wise?”

  “That’s a good point.”

  “Initially lies may sound prudent, but once you see them for what they are, it’s not at all unusual to feel stupid for believing them.”

  “Well the abandonment one still sounds crazy to me.”

  “It’s definitely dysfunctional, but I am so pleased to hear how much you’re learning about yourself. You must be aware that many people, perhaps even most, never find freedom from their misguided self-belief systems.”

  “Never thought about it.”

  “Let’s go ahead and set up another appointment in a couple of weeks.”

  “Can we check our schedules and get back to you?”

  “Sure.”

  CHAPTER 18

  They never met with the doctor again. The two of them quickly resolved issues that Chase once would have ignored, tried to bury, or approached with short-lived attempts to change his behavior. When he needed assurance that Linda’s recent emails did not include her former friend, she patiently showed him Stan’s email address and how she had blocked it. When Linda desired relief from her troubled mind, Chase held her close and spoke words of endearment. Their romance was reignited with intimate date nights, cuddling, and small but meaningful gifts shared with each other.

  After a few weeks of this renewal, Chase no longer felt the need to revisit Linda’s recent past, nor did she mention how his previous behavior had driven them apart. They did speak once about being rescued, Linda from a perilous game that would have destroyed her own life and the lives of those she loved, and Chase from a web of lies about himself that resulted in unintentional isolation from treasured people.

  Chase realized that he had forced his wife into her own separate world, transforming them into uncongenial roommates futilely attempting to survive segregated lives. As he continued to process the lies, Chase took increasing responsibility for all that had happened over the last several months. He did this not to relieve Linda of her responsibility but because he understood that marital bliss was unattainable if they clung to the independent lifestyles to which they had grown accustomed.

  They spoke at length about the possibility of relocating their family to New York, taking advantage of a home without a mortgage, and living near the children’s aunts and uncles. A move would involve securing new employment, but Chase’s positive attitude was persuasive. “And perhaps if everything works out well, you can stay at home and take care of the children since our expenses won’t be nearly as high,” he said one day.

  Linda agreed to take an exploratory vacation during summer break to acquaint herself with the area and to follow up on the résumés they had already begun emailing. In the meantime, Chase arranged the promised trip to Disneyland, after which he wanted them all to visit Aunt Betty, knowing of her physical ailments and her continued loneliness with the unexpected loss of her husband a few years back. The Macklin family had first met his aunt at Ron’s memorial service, and Chase wanted to stay in contact. He did warn Linda, however, about Betty’s religious inclinations.

  The weeks crawled by, at least for Ryan, who nearly every day asked when they were going to Disneyland. The plan included a fun-filled weekend in Anaheim, a drive over to Riverside for the night, and then a flight from L.A. to New York the following day.

  When June finally arrived, they packed their bags for a two-week vacation and headed down to Orange County, Amy and Ryan playing and giggling most of the way. Disneyland proved to be everything they had dreamed about and more, but trying to get the children into the car after two days of kid heaven proved quite a challenge. They didn’t want to leave. They didn’t want to go to Aunt Betty’s. They wanted to go home! Chase bribed them with soft-serve ice cream, keeping their complaints to a minimum.

  Betty had moved into an apartment after Ron passed away. She proudly showed them an extra room with a double bed and a large foam mat pulled out for the little ones. “Will this be okay for everyone?” she wanted to know as the four of them peered into the bedroom.

  “Perfect,” Chase replied. “I think the kids will have fun with us sleeping in the same room together.” He told his aunt the ch
ildren were exhausted and promised she could spend time with them in the morning.

  Once they had them situated and kissed them good-night, Chase and Linda found Betty waiting in a cushioned rocking chair. Now in her mid-seventies, her light skin deeply wrinkled and pulling away from her bones, she appeared frail but retained her mental sharpness.

  “Well have a seat! Chase, it’s so good to see you again. And Linda, it’s been far too long.”

  Linda smiled. “I agree. But Chase always speaks so fondly of you to everyone.”

  “Even though he never listens to me about Jesus?”

  Chase shook his head. She didn’t waste any time, he thought, trying to remind himself of why they came, wondering if the visit would be worth the mental torment. “Aunt Betty, it’s not that I don’t listen to you. It’s just that I’m not interested in religion.”

  “It’s not religion. I keep telling you that.”

  “I know you do, but it’s all the same to me.”

  “Linda, what do you think?” Betty asked, moving her head slightly and squinting.

  “About what?”

  “Jesus!”

  “Oh, I believe in him. I was raised in church.”

  “But do you have a personal relationship with him?”

  “Not really, I guess. I’m not sure.”

  “Well maybe we can talk about that.”

  Chase had already had enough. Knowing the inevitable direction in which his aunt would lead them, he leaned over and whispered to Linda that he had warned her. Then he asked with suppressed enthusiasm, “Aunt Betty? Would you like to hear a crazy thing that happened to me a few months ago?”

  She sat as erect as her body allowed. “Of course! What is it?”

  Chase related his entire experience with the web of lies, pleased that he had found a distraction from her Jesus talk but increasingly uneasy when he observed her smiling and nodding. When he finished, Betty gleefully clapped, not quite the response Chase anticipated.

  “Do you know whose hand pulled you out?”

  Here she goes again, he lamented to himself, annoyed that his diversion didn’t work. “Come on, Aunt Betty. Can’t I just tell a story without you trying to interpret it?”