Nuts About You: A Testicular Cancer Anthology

by Anthology

  I just need to call one of my girls after the appointment and have her come pay my junk some attention tonight. Maybe I can milk this appointment…

  Chapter Two

  Spradley

  I’ve been sitting in this exam room on a piece of paper that is no thicker than a Kleenex for half an hour. The nurse told me to strip down and put the gown on and the doctor would be right with me… thirty-four minutes ago.

  It’s also the temperature of the North Sea in this fucking room, so my nuts have now shriveled to the size of raisins.

  Do they do that on purpose? “Hey, here’s a tissue, put it on and sit on this foam covered torture device that feels like ice against your ass cheeks. We want your nuts nice and wrinkled so we can squeeze the life out of them and kill any swimmers that can survive the frostbite.”

  The universe is conspiring against me. I am never supposed to have kids. I mean, if I was supposed to have them, my sperm wouldn’t be able to pierce enemy armor right now, now would it?! I’d also probably have a steady woman instead of the parade of floozies that are constantly on my arm and in my bed…

  Yup… I’m not supposed to reproduce. I’d be a shitty parent anyway. I mean, I’m a shock jock who pisses people off every single day on the radio.

  But, I have always kind of wanted to father my own kids.

  Am I losing my shit?! Is the oxygen supply in this room waning? Do I have hypothermia and my body is shutting down? What the fuck is happening?!

  I take out my phone to distract myself from my apparent mental breakdown and open my public Facebook page. Time to make a witty post. “At what temperature does sperm freeze? I’m really not sure but I know my swimmers are icy as fuck right now. Hello, spermcicles!” I hit post just as a knock comes through the door and call out, “Yeah.”

  My doctor’s head pops in and he asks how I’ve been doing. I literally only see him like two or three times a year… my yearly physical since it’s part of my contract and if I get sick and feel like I’m dying. Other than that, I stay out of his office.

  We chat for a bit and he reads over the chart notes that the nurse jotted down almost an hour ago. He nods. “Weight and blood pressure are great. I see you’re taking care of yourself. Keep that up. Any issues you want to discuss?”

  I frown. “Issues like what? I’m good.”

  He chuckles. “Good to hear. So nothing going on anywhere. No medical issues that have been plaguing you?”

  “No, sir. I’m great. I’m only here because I have to be as part of my contract.” I grimace. He nods again. “Ok, well let me take a listen to your heart and then I’ll need to check you out. You should be out of here pretty quickly. Sorry about the wait. I like to actually listen to my patients, unlike many doctors, so my appointments tend to run a little long. But, I figure I can spare a few extra minutes and be thorough, right?!”

  I nod. “Yeah. It was no problem. It’s as cold as Antarctica in here though.”

  He laughs and pushes his glasses up his nose as he looks at me. “It is. Keeps the germs at bay.” His eyes flick to my phone as it buzzes beside me on the table and he chortles. “Thirty two degrees… same as everything else.”

  I feel myself get hot as I realize he just saw my status update. I cough and he grins. “Save that cough for a bit. I’m going to ask you to do that in about four minutes.”

  My hands tighten on the table.

  He finishes listening to my chest and back and checks my ears and throat with the light before he scoots back and says, “Come on down. It’s every man’s favorite part of the exam.”

  As I hop down, the gown opens in the back and a rush of cold air wafts across my ass. I shiver and my hands tighten on the back of the gown. Anyone walking into the exam room right now would see my exposed ass. If they’re a hot chick, I’m cool with that, but other than that… no way.

  Dr. Handson says, “Ok, I’m going in. My hands might be cold. Ready?”

  I nod and hiss as his very cold hands cup my balls. He fiddles with them for a minute and stops. A frown crosses his face and he squeezes my left one again before rolling it between his fingers.

  I chuckle uncomfortably. “I kind of feel like I should buy you dinner or something. I normally treat most women who do that to a meal first…” He doesn’t laugh

  What the hell? Is something wrong with my shit?

  “Everything ok, doc?”

  With a sigh, he looks up. “Spradley, I’m going to want you to head to the lab for blood work and I’m also ordering an ultrasound. I’d like you to do it today since you’re already here.”

  My heart drops into my stomach. “What’s wrong with my nuts? Blood work? An ultrasound? Like women have when they’re pregnant?! What’s wrong with my nuts?”

  “I feel something that shouldn’t be there. A mass in your left testicle. I want it checked out ASAP. I’d like to get you in there today, ok?”

  My eyes widen as I go over what he just said.

  A mass in my left testicle. Like cancer? In my nuts? Am I going to lose my nuts?

  What the hell does that mean?

  Can I die from this?

  I realize he’s still talking… “today?”

  Blinking, I nod. “Yeah, sure. Where do I go? Right now?”

  He nods. “Yeah. Let me have the nurse call down there and tell them you’re coming. It’s the end of the day so you should be seen fairly quickly. Go ahead and get dressed. One of the nurses will come grab you and tell you where to go once she gets off the phone.” He smiles. “I just want to be safe. It could very well be nothing, but we won’t know that until we look at it on the scans and bloodwork.”

  I croak, “Or it could be cancer, right?”

  He nods. “It could. But let’s not jump to any conclusions.” He nods at the curtain in the corner of the room. “Go on and get dressed. One of the nurses will be in here in just a few minutes.”

  He leaves and I just stand in the center of the room staring at the medical posters and pamphlets on the wall. Finally, I blink and sigh as I hurriedly get dressed. I’m no longer wanting a hot nurse to see me naked…

  Well that just shot my day straight to fucking shit.

  Don’t freak out, Spradley. It could be nothing at all but a precaution.

  Or… I could have fucking cancer…

  I’m just sitting in my Challenger in the parking lot of the doctor’s office in a daze. I’ve been out here for about half an hour. Dr. Handson gave them the heads up and told them he wanted me seen today, so I went straight down to the lab for my bloodwork and directly after went to x-rays for my ultrasound. They told me he asked for a rush on the results and they said that they’d send them back to his office as soon as they had them. Then, he’d be in touch within a day or so.

  Like I’m just supposed to be cool with the fact that I might have cancer and go on like it’s just another day?!

  Fuck that. No one could just be ok after going to the doctor for a routine physical and being sent for more tests to determine if their nuts have cancer!

  My phone rings through the speakers and I glance at the dash to see “Jamison”. Sighing, I connect the call. “What?”

  He snaps, “What do you mean, what? I thought you were texting me when you were done, asshole. Rafael and I are over at Mustangs.” I can hear the music in the background. “Did you meet a chick and forget about us?”

  I chuckle harshly. “Hell no. I’m sitting in the mother fucking parking lot at the doctors. I just came out of the lab and x-rays.”

  I hear him inhale sharply. “Why? What’s wrong with you? Hang on, let me get somewhere I can actually hear you.” I hear him talking to someone. I’m assuming it’s his brother and then it’s much quieter and he’s back. “Everything ok, Rad?”

  I sigh again and lean my head back against the seat rest while I pinch the bridge of my nose. “I’m fucking super. Doc found something in my left nut. A mass. So they’re determining if it’s cancer…”

  He hisses and then whist
les. “Well, son of a bitch. That blows. I’m sorry, man. But it could be nothing right? I mean, they didn’t say it was cancer… did they? Maybe you just have really big nuts…”

  I laugh. “Well, I do have cojones of steel you know. Those fuckers are like grapefruits and just beautiful, but this was abnormal. He didn’t feel it last year when he was juggling my sack, so…”

  Jamison laughs and I hear a door open, “Glad your jokes are returning. That sucks ass though.

  “So, are you heading home or do you want to come grab a beer with us?

  “Though, sulking and moping at home while you stare at your nuts in the mirror or drinking with us… that kind of seems like no contest.”

  I snort. “Yeah, I know. My nuts are blue ribbon worthy. The better choice would be gazing at their glory but I’ll gift you both with my presence and help you get laid tonight. I know that’s really why you need me. Admit it, you have no game without me. Always Goose and never Maverick…”

  He chortles. “Yeah, cause Goose was the one with the hot wife and cute kid…”

  “Until he died…” I frown. “Maybe I’m Goose after all… ”

  He gruffly says, “Shut the fuck up about that and get over here. I’ll have your beer waiting so it can start to warm up. You want Abita?”

  I nod and realize he can’t see me, so with a laugh, I stretch my arms up over my head and growl. “Yeah, you know I like my Abita room temperature. Be there as soon as I can depending on the traffic. I’m only down Bluebonnet, so it shouldn’t take me too long once I clear the mall traffic.”

  He grunts and I hear the door open again and then the music. He says, “Hey sweetness, can you go ahead and bring me two Abita’s in the bottle for Spanky? Thanks, babe.” He laughs and I can tell he’s talking to a woman. “Girl, you’re going to get in trouble… I’m the kind of man who’ll take you up on that.”

  I chuckle. “Careful… if that’s Kit, you’ll end up sore tomorrow…”

  I can hear his smile through the phone, “It is Kit. I hope so. Her body is killer and she looks like a good time.”

  She is a good time.

  Rolling my eyes, I back up and try to leave the parking lot. “Yeah… Leaving now. Be there in a bit. Don’t get booted before I get there.”

  He laughs and hangs up as I pull into Baton Rouge traffic.

  I need to have drinks with friends and stop worrying about what those tests do or don’t find. No sense in worrying if it’s nothing and if it’s not nothing… well, I’ll have plenty of time to worry about everything.

  I’ll get results in a day or so anyway…

  Chapter Three

  Spradley

  The next day

  I’m lying in bed, perfectly still, trying not to vomit as my cell rings from somewhere on the floor. Groaning, I slowly roll and reach around for the offending thing while I try desperately not to lose the contents of my stomach.

  A groggy female voice beside me moans, “Make it stop, Spanky. My head is killing me.”

  My eyes peer at the body in the bed next to me and I inwardly groan as I see Kit with her makeup smeared all over her face and her hair a tangled mess. My fingers finally touch the cold cell case and I grab it and roll slightly. “What the hell do you want?” I snap into the phone without looking at the Caller ID.

  A chuckle comes through the line. “Well, I need to talk to you about your results, Spradley. This is Doctor Handson. Am I interrupting something? Do you need to call me back?”

  I immediately sit up and wish I hadn’t. Bile travels up my throat and I jump out of bed and race for the bathroom while I yell into the phone, “No, just one minute. Hang on.” I barely make it to the toilet before puking. After rinsing my mouth out with cold water and throwing some on my face, I slide to the floor and lean against the cabinet as I clutch the phone with white knuckles, “I’m sorry about that. I went out with friends last night to cheer myself up and two beers turned into tequila shots and well… yeah…”

  He chuckles again. “I can imagine that you needed a little something to help process. It’s ok as long as it’s not a normal occurrence.” He sighs, “But, I have your test results and I’d like you to come into the office to discuss them with me. Can you come today? I can see you this morning.”

  He wants me to come into the office to discuss my results? That’s not good…

  That means I have cancer, right?!

  Am I going to die? Am I going to lose my nuts? I can’t lose my nuts and I’m too young to die.

  Son of a bitch…

  Dr. Hanson’s voice raises. “Spradley, can you come in for ten? It’s a quarter to nine now. Can you get here?”

  “Yeah, I can be there for ten.” Somehow I manage to answer him though bile has once again risen into my throat. Only this time it’s not from the hangover.

  “Ok, just check in at the desk and they’ll show you back into my office. I only have one patient before you, so you won’t be waiting very long.”

  I agree and hang up. My head falls into my hands and I have the urge to scream loudly.

  I can’t have cancer. I’m not even thirty. I’m healthy. I work out. I eat fairly well.

  Other than occasionally getting drunker than shit, I live well.

  I cannot have cancer…

  Kit calls from the other room. “Spanky, are you coming back to bed?”

  Using the sink to help myself stand, I turn on the shower and yell back through the door. “No, I have somewhere to be. Go ahead and let yourself out, ok? I’m showering and I need to get going. See you later.”

  I hear her shriek. “What? Are you kicking me out? Where do you have to go? Who was on the phone?” I hear some shuffling and then she’s standing in the threshold to my bathroom, buck naked. “Are you going to meet another woman?”

  My eyes harden as I glance over her rumpled, naked form. “No, I’m not actually, but if I was that wouldn’t be your business. I’m not kicking you out, I’m asking you to leave so I can get ready. I have an appointment. As far as who was on the phone… also none of your business.”

  Her mouth drops open and she stares at me. “You have no intention of being with me, do you?”

  I blink and frown. “Being with you, how? You mean like a relationship or something?” I shake my head and feel it start to pound. My hands cup the sides. “No, Kit. I don’t. I’m not interested in a relationship with you. You knew that. I was honest with you about that. I’m not looking for that. We have a good time when the occasion presents itself and I’m not otherwise occupied. But if you’re looking for more, this is done.

  “In fact, it’s done anyway. I have a lot going on already and now I’m going to have even more.” I look at her shocked expression. She couldn’t have thought we were in a relationship or that we would be in one, could she? “Besides, weren’t you all over Jamison last night?! You were on his lap when I got to the bar… How did you end up here… with me?”

  She frowns and slaps her thighs. It makes my head hurt more. She glares at me. “I was flirting with him to make you jealous. I flirt with a lot of guys to make you jealous. Every time you come into the bar with another bimbo, I make it a point to flirt with someone else. Only you never seem to care. You hardly even notice. Now I know why. You don’t care at all. You don’t care about anyone but yourself!

  “I was just a fuck to you, right?”

  I don’t care about anyone but myself?! She’s mad at me!? Really?

  Like this chick is mad at me because I was honest with her?!

  I blink. “Yeah, you’re right. I care about me. But, I was honest and you accepted it. Or you acted like you did. You can’t hear what I’m saying and choose not to listen and then get pissed at me, Kit. That’s not how this works. I’m sorry you have feelings for me or whatever, but I never said I wanted more from you than,” I gesture to the bedroom, “that. I date around. I spend my time with a lot of women and I don’t hide that shit. You know the man I am. I’m Spanky Nutts… why on earth would you e
ver get the idea that you and I were going to be a couple? When did I ever feed into that?” I rub my head again and turn toward the shower. “Look, I really have to go. It’s important. Sorry for the misunderstanding if that’s what this was, but I’m not interested in you. At all. I never will be.

  “You need to go and I need to get ready. Take care.”

  I step into the shower and pray that she doesn’t destroy my shit before she leaves.

  Seriously, Spradley?! You went out for beer last night and ended up wasted and taking Kit home with you… When Jamison, your friend, was interested.

  I AM a selfish asshole…

  No time to kick myself in the ass right now though… hell, my nuts are probably about to get a swift kicking anyway.

  I’m sitting across from Dr. Handson and he’s telling me the results. I hear muffled speech, but what he’s actually saying is lost on me through the buzzing in my brain. All I heard was “cancer in the left testicle… seminoma… non-seminoma…” and then the buzzing started.

  I have cancer…

  I have nut cancer.

  Spradley Nutts has cancer in his nuts.

  I’m so lost in my own head and the fog that it takes me a bit to focus on the fact that Dr. Handson is waving his hand in front of my face while looking very concerned. I blink.

  “Spradley, can you hear me? Son, can you hear what I’m saying?”

  I blink again and nod. My mouth opens as if to say something, but it’s so dry, I can’t. I swallow and try again. “Yes, I hear you.”

  He sighs in relief. “I think you’re in shock, son. Take a deep breath and count to ten. Do that a few times until you feel calm.”

  I laugh in disbelief. “Doc, you just told me that my left nut has cancer in it and now you’re telling me to be calm. Are you fucking serious?!”

  He chuckles. “I see the language on your show isn’t just for the listeners…”

  I blink and focus on him. “You listen to my show?”

  He nods. “I do. What? This old man can’t listen to the top rated talk radio show for adults in the country?”