Nuts About You: A Testicular Cancer Anthology

by Anthology

“Aw, Tiny didn’t hurt your cat did he?” I stared in disbelief when she stepped past me and held a hand out to Samson, who was clinging to the back of the chair. She started talking to him in a soft voice, using baby talk to him, and I opened my mouth to warn her that my cat was as big an asshole as I was.

  When Samson stepped forward, sniffing Autumn’s fingers before rubbing his cheek against them, I gaped at her then him from my position on the ground. That bastard was eating up the attention and rubbing against her like a cheap prostitute trying to pick up a client for the night.

  “What the fuck?” I muttered, glaring at my elderly cat who turned those big blue eyes on me and gave me a smug look. Well, maybe I was giving him too much credit for the smug look, but whatever he was up to he was clearly conning Autumn and she was falling for it.

  I shifted, wincing when my thigh protested at the movement, and began to inch my way towards the handrail so I could pull myself onto my feet. I’d barely made it a few inches when something beyond the railing caught my attention and I peered through the wooden posts at a goat that was sampling the young apples on one of a few fruit trees that formed a natural screen down part of the driveway.

  I’d just opened my mouth to say something when a strangely high pitched whinny came from somewhere out of sight, but before I could say something, anything, a horse trotted into view.

  It wasn’t a regular kind of horse. This one was an imposter. It looked like a horse, it sounded like a horse, but was only a fraction of the size of a horse. It, along with the goat, had to be the missing pets of Autumn’s. What was it with her and her pets? They were all fucked up. Dogs that were the size of horses and now a horse that came in a tiny condensed size, but with a huge amount of hair hanging over its face and neck, and a tail that dragged on the ground it was that long. Not to mention the goat that had moved on from the apples and was on its back legs, reaching up to grab at the blossoms on the cherry tree.

  “Let me help you up.” Autumn shoved a hand at me which I presume I was meant to take and, although I was doubtful she’d be able to pull me up, I still slipped my hand in hers, feeling that familiar spark between us.

  She yanked backwards with surprising strength and, with her pulling and me using the handrail for added support, she got me on my feet. Before I could fully regain balance on my weaker leg, she released me, squealing with delight. Well, I think it was delight, and took off down my stairs towards the horse that looked like it could double as a garden ornament. It whinnied at the sight of her and I looked on with amazement. How the hell did it see anything? The fringe on it hung right down nearly to the horse’s nostrils and I figured if I couldn’t see its eyes, then it couldn’t see a damned thing either.

  At a much slower pace I followed her down the stairs and across the yard to where she was patting the tiny horse. Once I got to them Autumn turned, one hand still patting it. “This is Poppy. Isn’t she a darling?”

  “Yeah, a real sweetheart.” I said, my tone laced with just enough sarcasm that she turned narrowed eyes on me. I turned away from her to look over at the goat that was systematically making its way through all the fruit and blossoms on my fruit trees. “Are you going to get ‘that’ before it destroys any possibility of me getting fruit from these trees this season?”

  “Nanny is a goat. They eat just about anything.” Autumn explained, like that somehow justified the destruction of my fruit trees.

  “So I see.” I used an overly sweet tone in response. “Do you suppose you can remove her from my fruit trees please?”

  “I’m going to. It’s just that…” She stopped, sucking her bottom lip between her teeth. “I can’t get all three back. I brought leads for all of them but walking a goat, dog and pony…well…it’s not likely to go well.”

  I raised my eyes to the heavens. “So what are you saying exactly?”

  “Can I leave Tiny here and take these two back, and then I’ll come back for him? I don’t expect you to lead one. Not with your leg…” She trailed off, her gaze dropping to it although I was wearing jeans so none of my scars were showing.

  I sighed, my mind racing. I didn’t want her great lumbering, drooling oaf left at my house. Samson was already nearly a heart attack victim from the sight of the huge dog and, although he was an asshole for the way he’d clawed me like this was all somehow my fault, I had enough of a heart not to want to put the aging cat through anymore drama.

  “How about I drive him back in my car?” I heard the words come out of my mouth and nearly slapped myself. What the hell was I saying and where had that offer come from? Why on earth would I offer to take that drooling beast into my car? We’d drown on the way to her place with the amount of saliva that came out of that damn dog.

  “Oh would you do that?” Autumn looked both surprised and relieved. “Could you take Nanny too? She loves going in the car and she won’t make any little deposits. She’s trained. That way I can concentrate on getting Poppy back. She walks better on the lead than Nanny, so that way I won’t feel like I’m having my arms pulled out of their sockets.”

  “But…” I began. “What?” I realised I was spluttering and having trouble putting a sentence together, but I never expected her to suggest I take that fruit eating bandit in my car as well.

  “Thank you so much Theo. You’re a lifesaver.” She shot me a huge grin. “Now where’s your car?”

  “The garage.” I answered, still standing there, wondering what the hell just happened.

  “Where are the keys?” She asked, talking to me slowly and carefully as if talking to a child. “I’ll get them. I don’t want to put you out at all. I know you don’t want anyone around. We’ll all be out of your hair as soon as possible and I’ll fix the fence so no one can escape again.”

  I stared at her, still struggling to find the words to respond to her. Couldn’t she see she was already in my hair as she put it? Somehow I’d offered to help her when I just wanted my yard to look a little less like Old MacDonald’s fucking farm.

  “I don’t want you out of my hair.” I said softly and she paused, frowning at me. “I’m sorry ok? I’m sorry for how I treated you. I just don’t…I’m not good with people. Since…” I stopped, shocked that I’d nearly mentioned Adam to her. “I’m fucked up ok? I took my shit out on you and I’m sorry.”

  Autumn’s eyes searched my face for what felt like ages before she finally nodded and gave me the tiniest smile. “Ok. Now where are your keys and I’ll get them for you?”

  “They’re in the car.” I told her and she frowned.

  “You leave the keys in it? What if someone steals it?”

  I laughed, surprised by her words. “Who’s going to steal it out here? If they do steal it, they obviously need it more than I do.”

  Again she stared at me before shaking her head. “Well then, I’ll go and get it for you.” She offered.

  “Be careful. I like my car.” I warned her.

  It was her turn to laugh. “You like your car but you don’t do anything to protect it against potential theft? Odd.” She began to walk towards my garage. “Oh, and I won’t crash it. Don’t panic. I’m sure I can manage getting it out of the garage and the few feet across your yard without incident.”

  I watched her walk away, my eyes on the gentle sway of her hips, and it was only then that it finally sank in that instead of jeans with her ankle length boots, she wore a short skirt that swished around her legs as she moved. With the combination of her slim thighs tempting me and the curve of her ass showing through the skirt with each step, it was enough to cause a stirring in my jeans and I cursed my cock, warning him not to choose now to poke his head up.

  I pulled up in Autumn’s driveway and sat, unsure what to do now. She was coming but at a slower pace than me since she was on foot. Still, I had the longer way to go in the car while she was able to cut across our properties with one of her escapees in tow. That might mean she wasn’t that far behind me…hopefully.

  I had the other two escapees in m
y car and it was starting to get a little aromatic with the drool and dog breath, not to mention the goat who didn’t seem overly happy about the whole situation.

  She had voiced her unhappiness for most of the drive to Autumn’s house, making me glad that I only had to drive next door. Having a goat bleat in my ear even for a short time had been unpleasant. It, combined with the drooling which had been flicked around my car each time Tiny turned his massive head, was enough to have me questioning what the hell I’d been thinking when I offered to drive the animals back for Autumn.

  “Guilt, you offered out of guilt.” I answered my own question. I’d treated her horribly after we’d had sex and, although she’d confirmed she’d done it out of pity, it still didn’t excuse me damn near throwing her out of my home. It made me look like the kind of person who used and abused women, and that wasn’t me at all. Sure I’d had relationships based purely on sex but that was a mutually understood and agreed to arrangement, not me feeding a woman any kind of bullshit to get in her pants and then discarding her like garbage once I’d taken what I wanted from her.

  Movement out of the corner of my eye caught my attention and I turned to see Autumn walking along, leading the pocket sized pony. She waved when she saw me and I raised a hand in response, feeling my heart begin an erratic beat at the sight of the smile that lit up her face.

  I reached for the door handle to let myself out of my car when I heard something in the back, and turned just in time to see Nanny the so called car-loving-goat take a chunk out of the leather of the rear passenger side headrest of my Land Cruiser.

  “FUCK!” I bellowed as I watched the patch of grey leather being thoroughly chewed up and swallowed. “What the fuck are you doing to my car? Stop eating my fucking car. She told me you love the car; she didn’t tell me you love eating the car.” I lunged at the leather eating animal, ignoring the pain that shot up my leg, but my sudden movements obviously frightened the damn thing and she leapt about, bleating loudly.

  The loud distressed bleating from the goat must have upset Tiny because he threw his head back and began to howl; a long, drawn out, mournful sound. The combination of them both was deafening and I cursed again, slamming my hands over my ears.

  “FUCK!” I yelled again. “SHUT THE FUCK UP!” I shouted at the top of my lungs, which caused them both to pause for a moment before the noise started up again.

  I had to get out of the car and now. Groping for the door handle, I opened it, half falling out in my haste to get away from the bedlam in my car. I stumbled when my bad leg hit a patch of uneven ground and I fell, cursing goats, dogs, women, the ground and every fucking thing I could find to curse on my way down, until I landed hard on my ass in the dirt.

  I heard the pitter patter of great big paws and hooves across the seats of my 4WD and looked up in time to see Tiny leap out the open doorway, narrowly missing me. He was followed immediately by the goat from hell, that landed between my legs, spotted me and did some dramatic sideways leap, bleating as she jumped. I shouted, worried she was going to land on me or finish off the job of castrating me that Tiny had started earlier, but she simply gave me a toss of her head before frolicking off towards Autumn.

  Breathing a sigh of relief that I’d avoided further injury, I now had to get my ass off the damn ground. This was getting bloody embarrassing. In the short time I’d known my new neighbour I’d spent more time on my ass than on my feet around her.

  Shifting around, I worked my way over to the running board of my car so I could use it to pull myself onto my feet but, before I could do so, Tiny’s large head appeared before me and I just had time to see his long pink tongue emerge before he licked me, right up my face from chin to brow.

  “Fuck.” The curse was expelled from me with force as I began spitting frantically, trying to remove the dog drool from my mouth when he licked me again and I felt his tongue touch mine. “God dammit dog.” I went crazy, spitting and shoving my t-shirt in my face so I could lick the fabric, anything to try and remove the taste of dog saliva from my mouth. “I don’t want to fucking well French kiss a bloody dog, ok?”

  “Oh hell, Theo, are you alright?” Autumn rushed up, minus one small horse, hauling Tiny off me by his collar. “Do you need help?”

  “Do I need help?” I asked, dragging myself to my feet with the aid of my car. “Do I need fucking help?” I lowered my face to Autumn’s, bristling with anger now at all the shit I was going through because of her and her damned menagerie. “Yeah, I need fucking help. I need help for being stupid enough to offer to help you. I need help to fix my fucking car that your goat ate; I need help to remove the dog drool from my car interior and from my fucking mouth when he licked me, not once, but fucking twice.” I shouted at her, my chest heaving as I let her have it with all my frustration and anger.

  I watched Autumn’s eyes widen and her mouth fall open as she gaped at me. For what felt like hours we stood staring at one another, her in surprise at my outburst and me in anger, until finally her lips curved up in a smile. Her smile became a giggle, which in turn became a laugh, until she actually bent over in front of me, laughing so hard her whole body shook with it.

  I stared at her, speechless, shocked, unable to respond until she finally lifted her head and met my eyes, hers wet with tears of laughter. Even with me still glaring at her she didn’t stop laughing.

  The longer she laughed the more my anger began to fade until finally I just stood there unable to look away from her. She was out of breath, tears streaming down her face, one hand propped against my car, and she was breathtaking.

  When finally she stopped laughing and fell silent, looking up at me, I did the only thing it felt right for me to do: I lowered my head to hers and I kissed her.

  Chapter Nine

  At the first touch of my lips to hers all the last remnants of my anger faded and all that existed for this moment was her. I forgot why I was angry, I forgot about my vow not to get involved and I forgot about the animals she owned that had caused me so many problems.

  I brought my hands up either side of her face, holding her while I deepened the kiss, tracing the seam of her lips with my tongue until she opened, letting me inside.

  When I curled my tongue around hers she didn’t object so, encouraged, I pulled her closer, one hand lowering to smooth a path down her back until I reached her ass where I pressed her firmly against me.

  I ground my erection into her, needing some sort of relief for my aching cock and, as I kissed her, exploring her mouth, ravaging her lips, my desire for her increased.

  She moaned; just the tiniest sound but it was like a direct line to my dick and he showed his enthusiasm by twitching in the tight confines of my jeans.

  Fuck I wanted her. What was it with this woman? If she wasn’t driving me crazy with frustration because of her animals, she was driving me crazy with lust. I’d never felt so drawn to a woman before. My whole body craved her, every nerve alive, so sensitive and in tune to her.

  Not thinking about anything but getting my hands on her, all of her, and definitely in agreement with my dick about wanting inside her, I backed her up until she was pressed up against my Land Cruiser. I lowered a hand to her ass, squeezing the curve of one cheek before sliding my palm lower, hooking the hem of her skirt and pushing it up until I could feel the lace of her panties.

  Silently thanking the gods - although I wasn’t a religious man - for Autumn being in a skirt, I cupped my hand between her legs, moaning when I felt how wet the lace was. It wasn’t just damp; she’d soaked her panties and knowing she was as aroused as me was enough to force another groan from my throat.

  Pushing the elastic to the side, I slipped my fingers into her panties and felt for her clit, pinching it lightly between my thumb and fingers. She pushed into my hand, gasping against my lips, and when I followed the slickness of her arousal until I found her entrance I didn’t hesitate, burying two fingers deep inside her.

  “Oh god, Theo.” Her words were a breathless sig
h against my lips. “I want you.”

  “Fuck.” I growled, sliding my fingers out of her so I could snag the delicate lace and tug her panties down her legs. I don’t know what the hell I was doing. We were outside, in the open; although no one was around of course, given the surrounding area consisted of nothing but paddocks and trees.

  I couldn’t think though. Every single one of my senses were tuned into her. I wanted her desperately, frantically, and all I could focus on was getting inside her as quickly as possible.

  “Fuck.” I ground out the one word again, my hips moving restlessly against her, my lips raining kisses over her cheek before nipping gently on the soft lobe of her ear. “I need to be inside you.” I panted, my hands moving over her, squeezing her ass and grinding harder against her.

  She spread her legs a little wider and I lowered myself enough so I could press my jean clad erection to the heat between her thighs. I could feel her. Even through the denim I could feel her heat and the moisture of her arousal.

  Pumping my hips I groaned, driven crazy by the fact that all that separated me from sinking into her were my jeans. The friction as I dry humped her was both a heaven and a hell. It offered some small relief but not enough. I needed in her as desperately as I needed my next breath.