Nuts About You: A Testicular Cancer Anthology

by Anthology

“How about the truth?” I keep my voice level when I want to do nothing more than to shake him by the shoulders. He’s being purposely evasive and where I would normally find it pretty funny, it’s not going to fly tonight.

  “Nah, I don’t think that’s the best way to go. How about we go to sleep and in the morning we look for somewhere else for you to live?”

  My heart starts racing as he speaks. He wants me to move out? The other night when I offered I was hoping beyond hope that he would tell me I was being stupid, because even though I made the offer I didn’t want to do it. Living with August has been the best year of my life and the thought of moving out makes my heart hurt in my chest. I straighten and step towards August. “Move out? Why?”

  When he spoke before he looked confident in his statement but now I can see that flicker of uncertainty. If it had been anyone else I probably wouldn’t have seen it, but I know August, or at least I thought I did. “I think it’s for the best. I just can’t do this anymore.”

  I take another step towards him and nerves hit me again but this time it’s because I'm closer to him. I feel an awareness of August that I've never noticed before. Being around him has never been a big deal to me, we mess around and usually end up lying all over each other, but apparently the kiss has changed something. “I don’t want to leave.” My voice sounds deeper than normal, full of lust, and it surprises me as much as it does August.

  His eyes widen when he hears me and his breathing start to quicken as he drops his arms to his side and grasps the sink edge behind him. “Tristen.”

  That single word, the way that he breathes my name, has a new reaction flooding my body. Pure hot need has my dick hardening to the point of pain. August is turning me on more just now than I think anyone else has, and that includes Ray. It should feel wrong but all I can feel is all the ways it feels natural, like this was always meant to happen.

  I throw caution to the wind and take another step. The full length of my body rubs against August and I tilt my head up so I can watch his reaction. If he looks uncomfortable at any point then I’ll back off but when I feel his own erection press against my stomach I know he's feeling the same as I am.

  “Fuck, Tristen.”

  I tilt my hips, knowing that our height difference won’t have our cocks rubbing together but the friction from his thigh has fireworks exploding through me. How did this happen? When did the feel of August, his touch and voice, create such a reaction in me? Did the kiss awaken something inside me that was always there, lying dormant and just waiting for a chance to show itself? “Why did you kiss me?”

  “Because I needed to. I didn’t think I would have gotten through the night if I hadn’t.”

  “Do you want to do it again?” I find myself praying that he says yes. I have taken my actions beyond what a friend should do and if he doesn’t want this I'm not sure how I’ll cope. August has been my best friend for nearly twenty-two years but now I want something very different from him. One simple action has me wanting to know what it feels like to be with August. It’s crazy, it’s like someone has flipped a switch inside me and now I want my best friend in my bed. I can’t explain it. All I know is that an hour ago my life seemed simple and now, well now I want to pin August against the wall and kiss him until he doesn’t want anyone else ever again.

  “I want to kiss you more than anything. I've wanted to kiss you since I was fourteen and you got that haircut you hated, but I thought it made you the most beautiful person I knew.”

  My stomach flips at his admission. When I asked him earlier how long he had liked me he never answered but now I know that he's been hiding his feelings for almost half his life. How must that feel, watching me be with other people? I couldn’t even imagine going through that. I want to ask him so many things and find out why he's hidden it all these years, but instead I lean forward and kiss him. I have to rise onto my toes a little to reach him properly and when my lips fully connect with his the tingling from earlier starts again, only this time it feels like an explosion. I gasp into his mouth and it allows him to stroke his tongue over mine. This is it, this is the turning point in my life when everything changes but finally makes sense.

  As dramatic as my thoughts sound I know that I truly believe them. I have spent most of my life talking to August, telling him everything and letting him into every part of my life. Every part except this one and all I can think is why didn’t I kiss August before tonight?

  August’s arms wrap around my waist and I swear I swoon against him like some character from an old love story. I didn’t think it was possible to feel this good just from kissing someone. It’s like all the stars have aligned in this one moment and light is shining down on us from above. I would laugh at my inner monologue sounding like some love sick teenager but August chooses that moment to grab my arse and pull me as close to him as possible, making all coherent thought vanish from my head.

  I'm lost in the feel of August’s tongue when he pulls away, leaving me groaning with frustration. I open my eyes, needing to blink a few times to focus again. When my vision rights itself I see August staring at me, his eyes sparkling as he looks at me.

  “I have wanted to do that for so long. I don’t know what this means to you, but I want you to know that it isn’t the alcohol that’s making me do this. I needed to know what it was like to kiss you, and even if you don’t want anything more with me I will never regret it, not for a second.”

  I brush my lips against his to give myself a few moments to make sense of all the words that I want to give August in response. I have a hundred different thoughts rushing through my brain and I need to try and focus on what I'm going to say. I take a deep breath and jump in with both feet. “Before tonight I never looked at you as anything other than my best friend. You are one of the most important people in my life but you were always just my brother.”

  I feel August tense against me so I rush to continue with what I need to say.

  “Then you kissed me and everything I thought I knew went to hell. I didn’t think something as simple as your lips would make me look at you in a completely different light. How could I have known you for so long but not seen you?” I laugh at myself, knowing that I probably sound insane. I’ve always scoffed when people spoke about insta-lust, but I refuse to see what's happening here as that, I mean I’ve known him nearly my whole life. “I don’t know how I feel about you, but I do know that I want you to keep kissing me. Will this become something more? I don’t know, but I want to find out. I don’t want to rush this but I want to keep touching you, is that okay?” I don’t know if he will understand what I'm trying to say so I just smile and hope he isn’t about to kill a dream I didn’t have until he touched me. I know he says that he’s wanted me for years but that doesn’t mean that he wants more. He might have wanted to live out a fantasy of kissing me and now he's done that he’s about to walk away.

  “I think I'm okay with that.” His smile in this moment makes me want to stare at him forever. I've always thought August was attractive, I mean, who wouldn’t? He’s tall with jet-black hair that lies over his forehead and almost covers his eyes. His body is wide with muscles that could make a sane man crazy. He was always slightly small for his age but puberty made it up to him by giving him a body to die for. His eyes are dark and you can see every emotion in them when he looks at you, and tonight they are filled with an emotion that I’ve never seen before. I want to say it’s love but I'm not going there, so I calm my racing heart by saying it’s lust.

  August bends his head and rests his forehead against mine. He takes a deep breath and when he exhales out I feel the heat all over my face. My eyes drift closed and a feeling of rightness comes over me as we just stand together. The way he's holding me with his hands gripping my hips like he doesn’t want to let me go feels so intimate and surprisingly natural. It feels like we’ve done this all our lives.

  For the first time since Ray’s death I think it might be possible to fall in love again. I just ne
ver dreamed that it might be with my best friend.

  Chapter Six

  August

  I lie and stare at the ceiling, loving the feel of Tristen lying in my bed close to me. This isn’t how I imagined the night going when I had planned his birthday bash but I don’t regret a moment of it. When I kissed Tristen I had assumed that he would come home and pack his bags. I never in my wildest dreams thought that he would kiss me back.

  After confessing to him that I had always wanted to kiss him and listening to him say that he wanted to see where things would go, we had kissed for a while longer before moving to my bed. Now we are both lying together, a comfortable silence falling between the both of us. We will need to discuss this thing between us soon but I just want to live in our happy little bubble for a little while longer. Unfortunately Tristen doesn’t feel the same way.

  “We need to talk about this.”

  “I know, but it scares me.” I might as well be completely honest with him from this point onwards. If me kissing him didn’t send him running then there’s a good chance that nothing will.

  “Why?” Tristen turns until he's lying on his side, his head resting on his hand that's leaning on my chest.

  “Because I don’t want to lose you and admitting how I feel might do that. I've had a lot longer to get used to this than you, and I have a sneaking suspicion that my feelings are a little more intense than yours.” I turn my head and look at him, hoping he can see the truth in my eyes. The love I have for Tristen runs deep and it will never change.

  “Can you give me a little time to catch up with you?”

  This man is fucking amazing. After everything he's been through over the last few years, here he is making sure that I feel comfortable. He should want to punch me for kissing him without permission, instead he's taking it all in his stride. “I would wait forever for you. I've already waited over half my life, what’s another few years?”

  He looks away from me quickly but not before I see colour heating his cheeks. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

  “To begin with it was because we were young. You instantly became the only friend I ever wanted and I didn’t want to ruin that. Then I was confused about my sexuality and when I realised I was gay you hadn’t come out yet. What straight guy wants his gay friend hitting on him?”

  Tristen smiles and I think back to when we were younger. We were inseparable to the point where our parents even got into the habit of booking places for both of us when they were organising holidays. My parents once tried to go away without Tristen and I spent the whole two weeks moping and refusing to do anything with them so it never happened again.

  “I didn’t come out that long after you.”

  “No, but it was enough that I knew that I needed to let you go out and experience what you needed to. I didn’t want to take that freedom from you. I remember what it was like to come out, to finally be comfortable in your own skin and I wanted you forever. Then you met Garry and I missed my chance. You were with him for so long that I honestly thought that you would marry him.”

  “So did I, until I saw him with his dick inside Dylan. It’s amazing how seeing something like that quickly makes you see sense.”

  My anger grows when I think about how much Garry had hurt Tristen. He doesn’t know but a month after they broke up, I saw Garry at a friend’s party and let’s just say that he left with a black eye and was walking funny. Tristen would be pissed if he knew I had given Garry a beating. He never wanted me to stand up for him in case I got into trouble. “I didn’t want to be the arsehole that made a move on you when you had had your heart broken, and when you finally got over him enough to move on you found Ray. It felt like we weren’t meant to be and I told myself that you and Ray would be together forever.”

  Tristen brings his eyes back up to look at me and I can see the sadness swimming in them. “I thought that too. If he hadn’t have died, I think we would have been.”

  He looks embarrassed by his own honesty but I'm glad that he’s being truthful with me. I know what he felt for Ray and truthfully it scares me a little. I’m worried that I will always feel like I'm trying to compete with a dead man, but it’s something I'm willing to live with to be with Tristen. “You loved him so much and I was so happy for you … I just couldn’t be around it and watch.”

  “Is that why you stopped coming around?”

  “Yeah, and I'm so sorry. I know it was a shitty thing to do but watching you together hurt too much.” Tristen reaches out and brushes his fingers against my cheek and I close my eyes to allow myself to enjoy the feeling of him touching me.

  “I wish you had told me at some point.”

  I open my eyes and look at him. “There was never a good time. That’s why I asked you to tell me when you were ready to move on. I wanted to tell you but I didn’t want to get the timing wrong.” I feel the lump in my throat grow and I think about not saying the next words but I know I have to. My voice is thick with emotion as I speak. “I wanted to tell you that I was right here waiting for you.”

  Tristen moves quickly and before I know it, he’s lying on top of my chest attacking my lips with his. This isn’t a kiss of passion like the ones in the bathroom. This is something else, something more, something better. I know he doesn’t love me, or at least not in the way that I want him to, but I don’t care. At this moment in my life just having him here in my arms is enough.

  I don't have a crystal ball so I don't know where all this might lead, or even if we will be together in six months, but every second I get to spend with Tristen like this will be my own personal heaven. He’s all I ever imagined when I pictured my future. I wanted him by my side as I took on everything life threw at me. It was a simple dream but it was all I ever wanted. My parents didn’t have a lot of spare money as I grew up. Enough to treat us to a holiday every few years, not abroad but we didn’t care, we got to spend time together. What we missed out on in the latest fashions or the latest games, we got back in unconditional love. They loved me and my brother as much as humanly possible and they taught us that the true measurement of a life well spent was how much love it was filled with when we took our final breath.

  Tristen stops kissing me but he doesn’t move off of me. He lifts a hand and runs his fingers across my lips so I flick my tongue out and wet them. His eyes heat but he doesn’t let me distract him from what he obviously wants to say. “I can’t promise you forever, August. I wish I could but I don’t want to lie to you. What I can promise is to give you everything that I'm able to. My heart was broken when Garry cheated on me, then again when Ray died and I didn’t think I would survive, but I did. The only reason I did was because of you. You put me back together when there were too many broken pieces for me to do it by myself. You gave me back my life and I want to share it with you. This is all happening really fast, well maybe not for you, but it is for me, and I don’t want to ruin it by rushing things. Let’s go slow and enjoy this new journey.”

  I swear he's trying to make me cry. Everything he's saying makes so much sense and I smile under his fingertips. “Does that mean I have to buy you flowers and take you out to dinner?”

  A smile tugs at the edge of Tristen's mouth but he recovers quickly. “Of course. I am not cheap Mr Reid, if you want me to put out then you are gonna have to treat me like a princess.”

  “So I need to buy you a tiara?” I've always loved our banter, the way we can tease each other without any offense being taken. I think that’s what I would have hated the most if this hadn’t turned out well, I would be losing the most important person in my life. I want to add to that relationship, develop it into something more, something special, but the most important thing will always be the friendship between us.

  “Hell yeah you do. I don’t want this to start on the wrong foot so let me give you a heads up. Diamonds are always a yes. Flowers are good but not lilies because my eyes will react. Take away as you know is a sure fire way to get you in my good books, because food is my fav
ourite thing ever.”

  I lean up and kiss Tristen, biting his bottom lip slightly before lying back down. “You're a dork.”

  “You already knew this and yet you still kissed me, so who’s the fool?”

  “That would be me, but I would do it again and again.”

  He smiles and my heart melts at the sight. I saw him smiling like this with Garry and then with Ray, but I never dared let myself believe that I might be on the receiving end of it. It’s the smile he gives when he's truly happy and when he feels that life is going well. It’s the smile he’s always given to the men he loves. “You need to go to bed.”

  Tristen looks confused and sits up. I follow him until were sitting facing each other. “Are you kicking me out of your room?”

  “Yes, because if you don’t leave now I won’t be able to stick to your ‘go slow’ plan. I can’t have you here lying in my bed. It’s a temptation I won’t be able to resist. So go, now, for your own safety.” I wink at him so he knows that even though I'm being deadly serious, there’s no anger in what I'm saying.

  “Fine. Can I have one last kiss before I go?”

  It’s testing the full limit of my control but I need to kiss him one last time before he leaves. I actually need to kiss him as much as possible for the rest of my life but I will start with this one. I lean in and give him a brief kiss but I try to fill it with every ounce of passion I'm feeling. “Go, now.” My voice is slightly hoarse when I pull away. This is what he's always done to me. He leaves me breathless but this is the first night that it’s been from kissing. Usually it’s just watching him be the person he is. He makes everyone around him want to be a better person, even if it’s just to get his attention.

  I watch as Tristen gets up from my bed and heads towards the door. He gives me a little wave before he walks away, leaving me sitting and staring at the closed door like a crazy person. I take a minute to process everything that happened tonight because I don’t want to forget a single moment of it. From feeling that I had lost him again to sharing my bed with him, this has been the most important night of my life.