Rock Legend

by Tara Leigh

  “Sure. You never texted me back so I figured I’d come prepared in case you had a fever.” At my confused look, she shrugged. “Feed a fever, starve a cold, right? Or is it the other way around?”

  “Beats me.” After a few bites, Dr. Huang’s words came back to chip away at my appetite, and I returned the muffin to the bag. “I was at the doctor’s office, but what I have is going to stick around longer than a bout of flu.” Or not.

  I turned to her, blinking wet eyes, my pupils overly reactive to my surroundings. “I want to keep my baby,” I whispered, feeling the truth harden inside the marrow of my bones.

  Delaney’s eyes traveled from my face to my nonexistent belly and then back again, her initial shock giving way to awe. “You’re pregnant?”

  I nodded, my chin quivering.

  “Oh my god, Delaney.” She grabbed my hand and squeezed. “Did you just find out?”

  “No. I knew already. I did a test here, a few days ago.”

  A fresh wave of tears broke and Delaney gently pushed a box of issues into my lap, rubbing my back in soothing circles. Eventually, she asked, “Who’s the father?”

  I blew my nose. “It might not matter.” Because my firefly might never become a baby.

  Had I already destroyed it with my negative thoughts?

  Maybe that’s why the heartbeat was weak. Who could thrive in an environment without love, a place devoid of welcome? That’s what I’d created. What I’d offered. Nothing. Less than nothing. I was a human warning sign. KEEP OUT. NO TRESPASSING. VIOLATORS WILL BE REMOVED.

  I looked up at Delaney’s face, but I could barely see her through my tears. “The h—heart rate was low, and the doctor implied I’d probably miscarry.”

  She was quite for a minute, but when she spoke, there was a quiet confidence woven through her voice. “Probably doesn’t mean definitely, Piper,” she said.

  Probably doesn’t mean definitely. I repeated her words inside my head, clinging to them like a lifeline.

  Maybe there was something I could do to knock those signs down. A way to roll out a welcome mat.

  “You’re right,” I finally said, wiping at my eyes and retrieving my laptop from my desk. Just because I wasn’t a rock star didn’t mean I couldn’t nourish my body with healthy foods. I pulled up the website of an organic market that offered delivery, scrolling through their offerings and adding orange juice, eggs, milk, bone broth, and half a dozen fruits and vegetables into my virtual cart.

  Once I paid the exorbitant amount via PayPal, and scheduled the soonest available delivery window, I closed the top and sighed.

  “You should probably get prenatal vitamins, too,” Delaney added.

  Shit. How had I forgotten that?

  I ignored the obvious, that Dr. Huang hadn’t felt the need to prescribe them for me. Picking up my phone, I called the store and spoke to the one of the owners, who happened to be pregnant, too. She told me she would throw in a couple of sample packs. When I hung up, Delaney was looking at me with a strange gleam in her eye. “What?”

  “You’re going to make a great mom, Piper.”

  Mom. Such a simple word for such an enormous undertaking.

  I was too young. And completely unprepared.

  Yet, in this moment, I wanted the job more than anything else in the world. Not eventually. Now.

  Chapter Twenty

  Piper

  Just like last week, I was in a tearful daze as I left Dr. Huang’s office. But this time, they were happy tears. My firefly’s heart rate was right on target. The relief that broke over me was needle sharp, so intense it hurt. And once the initial shock faded, for a few precious moments, what remained was pure euphoria. It slid through my veins, danced along my skin, curled around my ribs in a warm embrace.

  My firefly was still pulsing with light. With life.

  It was nothing short of a miracle, given that my own heart was a leaden lump inside my chest, each beat a pulse of pain, a metronome reminder of the man I missed so desperately.

  God, what I wouldn’t have given to lay my head on Landon’s chest, taking comfort from the steady beat beneath my cheek while his fingers idly stroked my hair. To end each day with our bodies joined, to wake each morning with his lips on mine.

  But I’d lost that privilege. There was another man’s child growing inside my body. A baby I already loved. A fierce, selfless love that wouldn’t allow me to choose Landon.

  Landon’s absence was like a rash that grew beneath my skin, a prickly discomfort that never went away. Never, no matter how much I loved my firefly. And yet every day, I made a conscious decision to choose another life over Landon’s. Another life over the bliss I’d felt in his arms.

  I spent the week from my first doctor’s appointment to the next at home, mostly in bed, stuffing myself full of prenatal vitamins and every organic, brightly colored vegetable that could be delivered to my door—wishing every mouthful was ice cream devoured straight from the carton.

  Since nearly throwing up on Travis’s shoes, he’d repeated his directive to stay far away from him and anyone else I could possibly contaminate with my germs. I was able to accomplish almost everything I needed to from my laptop or phone, at least this week, and I had a few months before I needed to tell him that this particular germ would be sticking around for quite some time.

  After leaving Dr. Huang’s office, I intended to drive straight home, but my mind had wandered, and by the time I snapped out of auto-pilot mode, I was pulling into Harmony’s sanctuary. Staring at her sign, I tried to convince myself to turn around. I wasn’t in the right state of mind to be at a place with so many memories of Landon.

  I still missed him so damn much. And I hated the way things had ended between us. Messy and misguided. Unfinished.

  I was a patchwork quilt of hormones and heartache. If I got out of my car now, the chances of me leaving without a furry companion beside me were slim to none.

  I had the next seven months or so to prepare myself for becoming a mother…did I really need to start today by bringing home a fur baby?

  But I needed the quiet comfort I’d found here, especially with Shania. Needed it desperately.

  As if she heard my silent debate, Harmony came out of the ramshackle cottage, wiping her hands on her worn jeans. “Hey, there.”

  Shit. I pushed open my door. “Hi, Harmony.”

  “I was beginning to wonder if you were going to come back. The dogs have missed you.” Her comment was said without reproach, more like a gentle nudge.

  “I know, I’m sorry about that. Things have been a little crazy lately.” Crazy wasn’t the best explanation, but it was the simplest and most accurate. “How have things been here?”

  “Good. Busy. We’ve had a bunch of adoptions lately.”

  “Oh.” That was good news. Great news. But my heart still gave a lurch. “How about Shania?”

  Harmony grinned. “No. Most of her pups, but not her. I think she’s holding out for you. She barely comes out of her stall to meet anyone new.”

  Guilt merged with my second dose of relief for the day. I shouldn’t take any comfort in Shania avoiding potential adoptive families. She was great dog, and she deserved a loving home.

  Harmony was patiently watching the play of emotions on my face as if she had nothing better to do, which I knew wasn’t the case. I wanted to duck away from the perception in her gaze. It made me feel too vulnerable, too exposed. She must have sensed my discomfort, because she looked away first. “I still have some paperwork to do, would you mind going back, releasing the dogs into the paddocks?”

  They spent mornings and afternoons outside, but midday was for napping in the barn.

  After spending so much time around them, I’d lost my fear of big dogs entirely. I took an eager step in that direction. “No, not at all.” My pace was quick, and by the time I got to the barn, I was practically running. Frantic barking greeting my entrance. Every dog except Shania.

  Now that Shania’s puppies were older,
all the dogs were on the same schedule. I went to the matriarch first, bending my knees and wrapping my hands around her neck. She gave me a long, slow lick on my cheek, making a sound low in her throat that could have come from a kitten. I smiled. “I missed you, too, Shania.”

  Straightening, I tapped my thigh, encouraging her to come with me as I unlocked the remaining doors. She did, staying by my side until we finished the last one. Shania had become more social in the time that I’d known her, and eventually she sprinted ahead with the rest of her friends, including her two remaining puppies, looking back at me every once in a while to make sure I was still there.

  My mother would have been happy to have a family pet, but my father’s refusal was adamant. “I will not have one more thing in this house that I didn’t intend to be here.”

  Yeah. He was real subtle, my dad.

  And he was also three thousand miles away.

  Just remembering that fact had my shoulders loosening, a heavy breath expelled on a sigh.

  I grabbed a bucket of tennis balls and started throwing them, one at a time, in different directions. The dogs, different colors, different sizes, different ages, ran full tilt, their mouths open, diving for whichever ball caught their eye. Five balls. Ten. Fifteen. Some of the dogs brought them back to drop at my feet. Covered in dirt and drool, a month ago I would have been horrified. But now, I didn’t care at all. It was a joy just to watch them run and play.

  A joy…and also more than a little lonely, too. Because I wanted Landon by my side. Throwing these balls had become part of his physical therapy, and he could spend hours doing nothing but alternating between his left and right hand, aiming sexy grins my way with heart-wrenching accuracy.

  “You taking over for Landon today?” Lost in thought, I startled at Harmony’s voice.

  “Landon.” My lips eagerly gave shape to the sound of his name. It had been too long since I said it aloud. “He’s been here?”

  “Of course. Was just here this morning, actually.” She glanced at the now empty ball bucket. “He can do that for hours.”

  I smiled half-heartedly, feeling both relieved and disappointed that Landon had come and gone already. “I know.”

  Shania came trotting up, sitting down on my left foot and sniffing my knee. I reached down to pat her soft head, scratching just behind her ears.

  “She likes you,” Harmony said.

  “The feeling is mutual. I wish I could take her home with me.”

  “That dog would jump straight in your car given the chance.”

  I knew she would. But how could I let her? My life was an absolute mess. Pregnant by a man I didn’t love, who didn’t love me. In love with a man who thought I’d cheated on him.

  Even if I told Landon the truth, he would never want me now, with a baby in tow. My father put up with me, barely, because I was biologically his. What man—who didn’t want kids at all—would tie himself to a child that wasn’t his own?

  I needed to keep my life simple. Focus on what was important. And my job was at the top of the list. If I was going to be a single mother, I needed a reliable paycheck. A raise wouldn’t hurt, either. For that to happen, I needed make myself so indispensable to Travis that he wouldn’t mommy-track me once I told him about my pregnancy.

  “I don’t think I can handle much more on my plate at the moment, I’m afraid.” As if Shania understood what I was saying, she whined and lowered herself to the ground, her front paws and head on my other foot.

  Harmony laughed and gave my shoulder a light squeeze. “Good luck with that plan. I thought I was going to turn this land into a substance abuse rehab facility. Tons of money in it, and no shortage of clients. The night I was driving out here to meet with an architect, I passed something that looked like garbage on the side of the road. Discovered it was a couple of dogs that had been left to die by an asshole running a dog-fighting operation.” A look of disgust passed over her features, but then she shrugged. “I never did meet with that architect.”

  I turned my head, my feet held in place my Shania. “So that was it, you gave up on your dream?”

  She made a tsking sound with her tongue. “No, not at all. I just realized that I was following the wrong dream. I’ve always liked animals more than most people—spending my days and nights dealing with entitled celebrities would undoubtedly have driven me to self-medicate.”

  I laughed. My job was dealing with entitled celebrities. But I liked it, and I was good at it. I could never do what Harmony did, become a Mother Teresa to abused dogs.

  But maybe I could handle one in particular.

  “You really think Shania would want to come home with me?”

  She glanced down at the dog, then shook her head. “Honey, I dare you to try and leave without her.”

  * * *

  “Well, at least you fit better in my car than Landon ever did.”

  Shania was perched on my front seat, her tongue lolling out, panting softly. Looking just about as happy as it was possible for anyone—dog or human—to look.

  On our way back to my apartment, we stopped at a pet store. I held on to the leash and collar I’d borrowed from Harmony as we strolled up and down the aisles, picking out food and water dishes, an enormous bag of kibble, a doggie bed, and a leash and collar of her own.

  Shania still wasn’t keen on strangers, so I tried to be quick—but I couldn’t resist the name-tag engraving machine.

  I typed “Shania” into the keypad, then my address and phone number. Together we watched through the Plexiglas as a machine engraved a bone-shaped metal tag, and then dropped it into a slot with a sharp clink. Kneeling, I affixed it to her new collar. “Okay, girl. Just promise me you’ll last longer than the houseplants I’ve brought home.” I wasn’t kidding. I could have filled a graveyard with the number of ferns and philodendrons I’d tried to keep alive.

  On a whim, I took a picture of us together and sent it to Delaney.

  Her response was immediate. A long line of hearts, clapping hands, and emoji smiles.

  I considered sending the picture to my mother, too, but decided against it. She would probably call me the second it popped up on her phone. I wasn’t ready to tell her about my pregnancy, or to face the onslaught of questions about the baby’s father. Better to avoid talking at all, for now.

  I was feeling confident that my little firefly would stick around, but I wasn’t ready to tempt fate by telling anyone other than Delaney.

  It was times like these that I wished we’d been friends in high school. Not that Delaney would have wanted to be my friend. I’d been such a jerk back them. Selfish and self-centered. But most of all, scared. Scared that if anyone got to know me, the real me, they would feel the same way my father did.

  For eighteen years, I bided my time, trying to be perfect, never wanting to rock the boat.

  I didn’t yet know that perfection was an illusion. Easy to fake, impossible to achieve.

  When I came to L.A., I finally let loose. I went to art shows and music festivals. Fraternity parties and feminist sit-ins.

  It was freeing. UCLA was huge, and I could be friends with anyone. No one was looking over my shoulder, judging me by my appearance or who I was standing next to.

  On the night I met Landon, I’d been in a grungy downtown club with my roommate, who heard that the bouncer barely checked IDs. Nothing but Trouble was the biggest act that night, although that wasn’t saying much at the time. I danced in a sea of girls, losing myself in the music and the pulse-pounding beat. When their set was over, Landon had gotten out from behind his drum kit, and instead of walking off stage, he’d jumped from it. One minute I was clapping, the next we were kissing.

  And what a kiss it was. It had felt as if I were flying and falling at the same time. Soaring and sinking. In Landon’s arms, I didn’t know who I was or what I was doing. Just that I was exactly where I was supposed to be.

  My roommate went home with the bartender that night and I snuck Landon into my dorm room. It was l
ate spring by then and I was already planning to stay for summer school. The week I’d spent at home over Christmas had been more than enough. My dorm was coed, and when it emptied out for the summer, no one even realized Landon didn’t belong there. For nearly two months we’d been practically inseparable.

  His face and body every bit as familiar to me as my own.

  And then, one day, Landon said he had a meeting with his manager and he never came home.

  So it shouldn’t surprise me that Landon had walked away from me so easily again. It was for the best, really.

  And maybe if I kept telling myself that, I’d start to believe it.

  “Come on, Shania,” I gave a gentle tug on her leash and she kept pace with me through the door and into the parking lot as I pushed the overflowing cart, “time to go home.”

  Landon

  Yelling a goodbye to Ana, I got in my truck and drove to Restorative Health Center. My physical therapist usually came to me, but he said he had to move a few things around this week and asked if I could come in instead.

  I’d agreed, it wasn’t like I had anything better to do. He explained that there was a back entrance so I wouldn’t have to come and go through the main lobby, and that we could work in a private room.

  Typical L.A. Everything in a fifty-mile radius of the city was geared toward dealing with celebrities. People like me who made their money off the masses but wanted to hide from their fans.

  Hypocrites. We were all such fucking hypocrites.

  I walked a few steps to the wheelchair accessible ramp, the whoosh of the automatic doors opening and sending a blast of air-conditioned air in my face. I wasn’t worried about running into Jake. Today was Tuesday, and Jake’s sessions were on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.

  Just like Chris said, there was only one door along the short hallway, and it was open. Chris was already waiting for me, lining up various objects on a table. Balls, dice, pencils. “Hey.” He stepped toward me, his right hand outstretched.

  Out of habit, I extended mine.