Bonds of Need

by Lynda Aicher

  The prolonged silence from Seth said as much as the not-so-subtle arch of his brow. Deklan looked away. The muscle twitched along his jaw, sending little Morse code messages of indictment straight to the tension headache clamping down on the back of his skull.

  “Anything else go wrong tonight?” Deklan changed the topic to something he could deal with at the moment.

  “No,” Seth answered before his lips curled in a smirk. “You’re the only one causing trouble tonight.”

  “Fuck you.”

  “No, thanks.” He glanced down. “I’m not the one who needs it right now.”

  So much for topic changes. Deklan’s erection had only partially subsided, not that he cared. A hard dick he could handle. Hell, sometimes it felt like he’d lived in that state for the last five years. As a Dom, he found satisfaction in maintaining that control.

  Seth shifted, leaning his back against the wall as he let his gaze roam over the room. There were three Dungeon Masters on duty that night, but the responsibility of being the club owners never left them. “What’s her story?”

  “Don’t know it all.” Deklan finally released the tension that had held his pose immobile. He stepped away from the wall and rubbed a hand over the back of his neck, even though experience told him meds would be needed to loosen those muscles. “You know the background checks on guests aren’t as detailed.”

  “But you know more.”

  Was it Seth’s business? It was doubtful Kendra would ever be back, so her past wasn’t the club’s concern. “The club’s protected.”

  Seth’s glare burned into his side. “I wasn’t worried about the club.”

  The snort of self-disgust couldn’t be held back. Deklan shook his head and rested his hands on his hips. “Is Jake taking them home?”

  “Yeah,” Seth answered, straightening away from the wall. For a long moment his attention was fixed on the deep red blush that covered the back, ass and thighs of a male sub strapped and spread on a St. Andrews Cross. The band on the sub’s wrist tagged him as a visitor, but with his face hidden, Deklan couldn’t identify the man. Not surprising, based on who the Dom was. A prominent politician who paraded in a variety of twinks to satisfy his closet desire for males, only this sub looked beefier than his normal taste.

  “You need to let this go.” Seth kept his eyes on the Scene before them, but his words were for Deklan. “She’s not yours to protect. Or save.”

  Just like that, the anger returned. Pain stabbed at the back of his head as his jaw tightened against the rising resentment. “She needs help,” he ground out.

  “Maybe,” Seth conceded, his calm tone only aggravating Deklan more. “But it doesn’t have to be you.”

  “And maybe there’s no one else to give it.”

  “Always the savior. That’s you, Dek. Only sometimes, people don’t want to be saved.”

  Like Deklan didn’t fucking know that. He only had to look at his mother to remember that lesson. “And sometimes people are just waiting to be saved.”

  Seth gave a thin smile. “Or just waiting to die.”

  There was nothing to say to that. Seth had his own demons that wouldn’t influence Deklan. He turned around and yanked the door open. There was work to do and one security employee to cuss out.

  “Watch your back,” Seth warned.

  Deklan paused to stare at his friend. The other man’s focus remained on the male sub, his predatory stance saying far more than words. The night was getting to Seth too. Not that he’d ever admit it.

  That’s why Deklan hated these events. Trouble always happened, and there was always shit to clean up afterwards. The fact that it was his own shit he had to clean up only irritated him more.

  Chapter Seven

  Kendra worked mechanically, going about actions and movements without thinking. The trek down the stairs to the women’s locker room had been executed in a dim haze of survival. Dropping the blanket, she shivered in the sudden cold and quickly slipped her blue dress on, smoothing her palms over the wrinkles and situating it over her chest.

  She exhaled a shaky breath, still searching for that deep lungful of air that refused to come. Giving up, she moved to the long vanity mirror and removed her sticky mask. One glance at her reflection confirmed what she’d already known—she was mess. Her overdone makeup was now smudged and smeared from tears, her cheeks were flushed and damp from being confined under the plastic mask and long pieces of hair had escaped their bindings to hang limp around her face.

  A small, mirthless laugh puffed from her lips at how she looked. Almost clownish if it wasn’t for the sadness that marred her eyes and mouth. She jerked a paper towel out of the dispenser and quickly wet it down, the hollow echo of the locker room making the rushing sound of the water seem more pronounced.

  The clanking metal slamming of a locker door a few rows over made her flinch, and her fist clamped around the wet towel. The quiet was interrupted by the bubbling laughter and conversation from a trio of women who entered the room. Kendra ducked her head, patting the moist towel over her cheeks before they could see her.

  She paused and held the towel to her eyes, hiding behind the cooling pad for a moment, searching for the calm that would enable her to leave the room and find her friends. Pushing out a long breath, she lowered the towel to find Cali staring back at her, gentle concern covering her face and filling her green eyes.

  Kendra turned away, not wanting her friend to see her like this. Damn it. Damn it.

  “What happened?” Cali’s soft question did little to quiet Kendra’s apprehension. “Can I do anything to help?”

  Everyone was so patient with her here. Why?

  “I’m fine, sorry,” Kendra mumbled, forcing herself to turn back to the mirror and use the wet towel to clean the smeared makeup from her face. More forceful now, she tried to reassure her friend. “There’s nothing to worry about. I’ll be ready to go in a moment.”

  Cali propped a hip against the corner and picked up Kendra’s discarded mask to stroke the small feathers with her fingers. “Are you hurt?”

  “No,” Kendra quickly denied then added, “At least, not more than I asked for.”

  The slight smile that curved over Cali’s lips made her feel better. There was an understanding there that was more helpful than Kendra had thought it would be.

  “I won’t pry,” Cali started then sighed, setting the mask back on the counter. She met Kendra’s eyes in the mirror, touching her through the reflection if not in person. It was as if her friend knew Kendra couldn’t handle being physically touched at the moment. “You never prodded into my business, so I won’t in yours. But know that I’m here if you need me. For anything. I mean that.”

  Kendra forced a smile and gave Cali a nod. Words weren’t possible without tears right then. Leaning into the counter, she flipped the towel over and used a corner to clean the black mascara smudges from under her eyes. “Where’s Allie?” she asked, hoping to change the subject.

  Cali laughed, the light sound filling Kendra with something normal. “She’s out front with Jake, for once silent.”

  “What? Allie at a loss for words?”

  “I know, right?” Cali nodded, her eyes flashing in agreement. “I think we shocked her speechless.”

  The laugh that left Kendra was full and healing. It reminded her that she wasn’t the only one with issues and let her focus on something else for bit. “What’d you guys do after I left?”

  Cali fixed her hair in the mirror, a smirk on her lips. “Jake took us to another room. This one had two men and a woman.” She met Kendra’s eyes. “Let’s just say Allie did a lot of squirming, but no complaining.”

  Kendra tried to picture that and could only laugh at the image that formed. “She’d seemed rather, ah...entranced...with the Scene in the first room. I can only imagine her watching a ménage.”

  “In her defense, I blushed bright red the first time Jake took me to one of those rooms.”

  “Yeah. Thankfully the peo
ple I was with for my first voyeur experience were all too drunk to notice how much I enjoyed it.” Kendra picked up her mask and grabbed a clean towel to wipe the perspiration off the inside of the plastic.

  Cali tilted her head. “I wonder why it’s so hard for women to be open and admit that sexual acts excite us. I mean, not all women have this hang-up, but God, it seems like a large majority of us are still taught that admitting to enjoying anything outside of ‘vanilla’ sex makes you a slut.”

  Kendra assessed her friend, wondering at the sudden spilling of personal information that she usually kept so tightly bound. “Is that what happened to you?”

  Cali looked down, her fingers absently running over the silver links around her neck. “Yes and no,” she admitted. “Part of my fear came from my upbringing. The rest was all my own. After all, what would people think if they knew I longed to be dominated? That I enjoy being held down and spanked and...” She looked up. “I’m guessing you know what I’m talking about.”

  Yeah, Kendra did, and she’d never spoken about it to anyone. She still couldn’t. Not here. Now.

  Sliding the mask back on her face, she adjusted the plastic until it rested comfortably on her cheeks and nose. Her eyes were still a telltale red, but otherwise she was once again camouflaged behind the shield. Turning to her friend, she took the woman’s hand, the one still caressing her collar, and squeezed her fingers. Cali froze, her eyes wide and vulnerable after exposing herself.

  “Thank you, Cali,” Kendra whispered, her voice strained with emotion. “I can’t talk about it right now. But thank you for sharing. For letting me know I’m not alone.”

  The soft smile Cali gave her was warm with affection and understanding. She tugged Kendra into a hug, her words soft against Kendra’s ear. “It’ll be okay. I’m here when you’re ready.”

  Kendra clung to her, taking the strength that was being offered, before she stepped back. Her attention strayed to Cali’s collar. It was tastefully done. A delicate piece of jewelry that anyone outside the club would assume was just that. But within this world it stood for so much more.

  “Your collar is beautiful,” she said before she could think better of it.

  Cali’s hand when right back to the object in question, her brows rising in uncertainty and doubt.

  “Yeah. I know what it is,” Kendra answered. “And I don’t judge you. In truth, there was a time when I thought it was all I would need to be happy. But it takes more than an inanimate object to make that happen.”

  Cali snorted, a choked laugh swallowed behind her tightly closed mouth.

  Kendra gave her a puzzled look then laughed out loud and rolled her eyes when she realized what she’d said. “Fine. For long-term happiness, it takes more.”

  “And if the object is animated?” Cali left the question hanging and tried to look innocent as she struggled to hold back a grin.

  Kendra dropped her head back and stared at the ceiling in mock affront. “Okay. Animated objects can get you a bit of happiness.”

  Cali finally let her laughter free, choking on the rolling giggles behind her hand, her cheeks turning pink.

  Thank God for friends. Kendra joined in with her own open laughter. It was freeing and wonderful. Probably one of the best laughs she’d ever had over something so silly and dumb. But it lifted her as nothing else could’ve at that moment.

  Not waiting for her friend to calm down, Kendra grabbed her shoulders, spun Cali around and started forcing her toward the exit. “Go,” she commanded. “Your Master is waiting for you.”

  That brought Cali up short, the amusement dropping from her face. She searched Kendra’s face before asking, “You’re okay with that? Knowing what Jake is to me?”

  “Oh, Cali.” Kendra wrapped her arms around the shorter woman and pulled her in for another hug. “Of course I am.” She eased back so she could look at Cali, needing her to see the truth. “It’s obvious how happy he makes you. And I’m willing to bet he’s much more than your Master.”

  The shy smile that spread over Cali’s face confirmed the question even without her words. “Yeah, he is.”

  Opening her heart just a bit, Kendra revealed one of her secrets. “I’m a little envious of you, you know that?” Cali’s brows rose in a mix of shock and question, prompting Kendra to continue, her words a bit slow and tentative as she sought the right ones. “There’s a closeness, a bond that comes with a relationship like yours. One that goes beyond the usual levels of love and commitment. It’s beautiful to see when it’s right. Why wouldn’t others want that?”

  “I had no idea you felt that way.” The disbelief was clear in Cali’s voice. “Honestly, I wasn’t sure how you felt about this whole world. I mean, I know you didn’t judge me, but I got the impression that this wasn’t something you...well, that you enjoyed.”

  Kendra shook her head, staring at the tile floor, a gurgle of derision escaping her lips as she wrapped her arms protectively around her waist. “I don’t know if I do either. I thought I didn’t, but I don’t know anymore.” She looked up, searching for understanding, answers or maybe just acceptance from her friend. “I don’t want to, but sometimes it feels like I don’t have a choice on that.” The words sounded empty to her own ears, like an excuse, as if she could blame her desires and needs on something besides her own free will.

  “Hey,” Cali said as she reached out to give Kendra’s arm a reassuring rub. “I get it. I understand exactly what you mean.”

  “You do?”

  “Yeah, I do. I struggled with that for years, thinking there was something wrong with me.”

  Kendra licked her lips and dared to ask, “And now?”

  “And now I understand that something that feels so right and so good with Jake can’t be wrong.” Like a magnet, Cali’s fingers returned to stroke the chain around her neck. “I know that others wouldn’t accept it or understand. Well, you saw how messed up I was over it not too long ago.”

  A small laugh found its way out of Kendra’s chest, surprising her. “I’m still not ready to meet another bottle of Jack Daniel’s,” she admitted as she recalled the night Allie had declared that alcohol was the best way to get over “man trouble.” Cali had definitely grown and changed since that night over two months ago. She was happy, content now in a way that Kendra hadn’t seen before. “How do you reconcile it with yourself?”

  “I’m old, remember?” Cali chuckled before pausing. “Seriously? I don’t know if I would have without Jake. With him, it’s okay. I know it’s not bad or wrong or shameful in any way because he won’t let it be.” Her gaze drifted down, her voice softening. “And I lived for way too many years feeling empty and alone before I finally found the courage to discover this side of myself. Now that it’s free, I’m free, I don’t think I could go back to the shell of who I was before. I know I don’t want to. I like this me. A lot.” She reinforced the last words with a snap of her head and an honest smile that lit up her face with conviction.

  “Wow,” Kendra whispered, again envious of her friend but amazed at the same time. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be that content.” The words were out before she thought about them.

  “I didn’t either...until I was honest with myself,” Cali said. “And who am I kidding? I was forty-four before that level of self-realization struck. Give yourself a break, Kendra. You’re what, thirty?”

  “Thirty-one.” She’d celebrated that milestone by herself with a chocolate bar and a glass of wine two weeks ago.

  Cali smiled. “See? You have years yet to figure it all out.”

  “I really hope it doesn’t take me that long,” Kendra mumbled around a sigh.

  “Me too,” Cali agreed, grabbing her arm as she turned one more time toward the exit. “But truthfully, I don’t know if anyone is ever completely content. There’s always something new we’re discovering and exploring about ourselves, right? Otherwise we’d become very boring, and what fun is that?”

  “With age brings wisdom, oh wise one?” K
endra’s quip brought the laughter she was seeking.

  “Watch it, punk,” Cali chided as she opened the door and motioned Kendra through. “You’re supposed to respect your elders.”

  “I thought it was Masters?”

  “Only if they earn it.”

  “Too true.” Way too true. And maybe that’s what Kendra needed to remember. Respect was earned not forced. Not demanded or taken. Just like trust.

  Just like love.

  Chapter Eight

  The consistent beat of her running shoes hitting the paved path was a rhythm Kendra lived for. If she focused enough, she could get her feet to match the pace of her heart. When she added the secondary tempo of her breathing, she found her zone. In those few moments, when her body was in sync, she finally felt a level of peace. This was something she could control.

  The scent of newly freed grass blended with the lingering hint of the rain from the previous night to invigorate her with the anticipation of spring. The air was crisp and perfect for her morning run but had the undercurrent of warmer weather to come. With the sun peeking through the breaks in the clouds, Kendra imagined the afternoon would be beautiful.

  Too bad she’d be stuck in a windowless stockroom counting inventory by then. Way to put her Human Development degree to work. Her parents would be so proud. But then, there wasn’t much in her life that her parents had ever been proud of. Why it still mattered to her was a question better suited for therapy. There was no point in trying to analyze something that simply was.

  Another jogger passed her on the path, her golden retriever panting at her side, a big happy doggy-grin on its face. Kendra swerved to the left and glided past a pair of moms pushing strollers, their laughter fading behind her as she held her pace and breathed into the burn that was building in her thighs.

  The unexpected warm streak in early March was being enjoyed by many, including the ever-present squadron of ducks at the edge of the small lake. As if on cue, the small pack started to quack madly, scaring the little boy trying to feed them pieces of bread. He squealed, running for his mom, who swooped in to lift the frightened toddler into the shelter of her arms.