by Madison, Mia
When she turned, I could see the front. The dress had a deep V for the neckline and tied at one side of her waist. It looked incredible on her, but also made her look older than usual. More sophisticated. She had on jewelry and makeup that made her eyes look enormous.
Realizing that I was staring, I looked away, only to notice that I hadn’t been the only one. There were quite a few fathers in the audience who were looking at Gabi and Miss. Finch. They made a very striking pair.
Ava and Luke appeared on stage and dashed down the steps. Gabi bent and gave them both a hug. She stayed crouched down, talking avidly to them, until Miss. Finch appeared. Evidently she’d told them it was time to get ready, because the twins followed her backstage.
Gabi straightened up and scanned the crowd. When her gaze reached me, I held up a hand and indicated the seat next to me. Even from here I could see her gaze narrow, but then she nodded.
I stood when she neared. “Thank you for coming.”
“I did it for them.” Her response was curt as she sat down.
I already knew that—just as I knew she didn’t want to talk to me right now. That was okay, I could wait… as long as she gave me the chance later.
The lights dimmed and the pageant started. Various classes performed skits or musical numbers. The twins’ class sang a cheerful song with choreographed hand movements. Ava and Brandon did well, and I was proud of them.
Near the end, I glanced over at Gabi and was surprised to see tear tracks on her cheeks. She stared resolutely at the stage, not looking at me, but the sight hit me hard. I shifted around until I found the handkerchief I kept in my pocket. It came in handy when one had kids—or, apparently, when one had upset a lovely young woman.
I pressed it into her hand. She dabbed her eyes without looking at me.
For the rest of the performance, I sat there in the dark, feeling like a piece of shit.
21
Gabi
As soon as the lights went up, I fled. I would’ve loved to congratulate the twins and tell them how well they did, but I was afraid the trickle of tears would become a river. Maybe I could take them some cookies over the weekend and congratulate them then. Except that would mean seeing Luke.
It had been so difficult, sitting next to him during the pageant. I should’ve found a different place to sit, but when he waved me over, I figured it would be nice for the twins to see their guests presenting a united front. But I’d been miserable being so close to him in the dark. Smelling his spicy, outdoorsy scent. Feeling the heat from his leg an inch away from mine. And that black suit he’d worn had made him look like a million bucks.
I’d seen him when he’d first entered the auditorium. My eye was not the only one he’d caught—half the women in the room had glanced his way. And then looked away just as quickly if they were with their husbands.
But I couldn’t blame them. Somehow, Luke looked as at home in the fitted suit as he did in jeans and a t-shirt at home. The jacket, especially, had shown the impressive biceps underneath. He hadn’t worn a tie, just a button-down white shirt open at the neck.
It wasn’t fair that he looked that good when he’d hurt me so bad.
When I reached home, I parked on the street. Liz and Kait’s cars were in the driveway which was a little surprising. I would’ve expected Kait, at least, to be out with Tyler.
Headlights swept over me as I stepped out. Blinking, I peered back and recognized Luke’s car. What the hell?
Brandon was already scrambling out of the backseat, so I moved onto the grass, not wanting him to run out into the street. “Did you see us, Gabi?” he asked as ran to me.
“I did, and you were wonderful.” I crouched down to give him a hug. “You both were.” Ava had arrived, a huge smile on her face. Both twins were wearing backpacks over their coats.
They launched into a full account of how nervous they’d been, and how they thought it had gone. I nodded in the right places and stood up to face Luke who was standing behind them. Even in the dim light, he looked incredible. His suit fit him like a dream, and nearly took my breath away. But that didn’t change what he’d said before Thanksgiving. He’d revealed his true feelings about my role in his life, and it had hurt more than anything.
I didn’t know why he was here, but nothing could change that.
Not that I could ask him. The twins seemed intent on telling me every single thing that had happened since Tuesday afternoon. And to add to the clamor, Kait and Liz appeared, greeting everyone.
To my surprise, the twins abandoned me and ran right up to them. “Are we still getting pizza?” Brandon demanded.
“We brought a new board game,” Ava added.
What the hell?
My eyes found Luke. He was staring at me in a way that made me wonder how long he’d been watching me. His long legs closed the distance between us, and I took a step back. He stopped immediately.
“What’s going on?” My voice was shaky… perhaps from his nearness or from the emotions that had overwhelmed me at the pageant. Seeing Ava and Brandon on the stage had been so painful. I wanted so much to be a part of their lives. It felt like I was. But the real tears had come from feeling Luke sitting so close to me physically—but knowing that emotionally, we’d never been farther apart.
“We’re babysitting,” Liz said cheerfully.
Luke flinched at that word, as did I. That’s what he’d called me on Tuesday—just the babysitter. Hired help, not family. “I was hoping you’d join me for dinner, Gabi. I’d like a chance to explain… and to apologize.” He seemed as if he was going to say more, but then he glanced at my roommates and the twins and grew silent.
“We’re thrilled at the chance to spend the evening with such talented company,” Kait said, “but it’s up to you, Gabi.”
“What? We want to stay. We want pizza,” Brandon protested.
“Of course you can stay,” Kait told them, but her eyes were on me. “But it’s up to Gabi if she wants to stay with us… or eat with your dad.”
That was apparently enough for the twins. They ran into the house with Liz close on their heels. Only Kait stayed, and I appreciated her silent support even as she stepped back into the shadows.
“Gabi?” Luke said, his voice low. “Please… I know I don’t deserve it, but I’d really love for you to join me this evening.”
My mind swirled, and I glanced at Kait. She shrugged, indicating it was up to me. Did I really want to spend an evening with a man who’d hurt me so much? A man who represented the kind of life I wanted—but one who didn’t want me in his life?
Luke took a step closer. “I just want a chance to apologize.”
“You’ve had over a week to do that.”
“I know,” Luke said, his voice unhappy. “Please join me anyway?”
I exchanged a quick glance with Kait. I was pretty sure that I was setting myself up for more pain, but I nodded.
Luke looked relieved as he held open the passenger door of his car. However, I pointedly walked past him and climbed into my own car. I’d already spent too much time tonight sitting next to him in the dark with my heart aching.
With a nod, Luke got in his car and we drove separately to his place.
* * *
Dinner was awful. Not the conversation part, we hadn’t even gotten to that, but the food.
“I’ve been practicing all week,” Luke explained as he brought out what looked to be two pieces of charcoal on a plate. “There’s this Michelin-rated chef who posted a video online about how to cook steaks, and I’ve been practicing. The twins are probably tired of eating steak by now, but I wanted to make sure I could do it right when you came.”
I looked at the unappetizing plate in front of me and privately agreed that the twins were tired of eating steaks like these by now. The charbroiled meat was accompanied by nearly raw asparagus and baked potatoes that seemed somehow water-logged, as if they’d been boiled for a lengthy period of time.
Pushing the food around m
y plate, I didn’t make all that much of an effort to pretend to eat. Even if it had been the best meal in the world, my appetite had been pretty scarce since I’d last been in Luke’s house.
“Did you like the salad, at least?”
“It was definitely the highlight of the meal.”
Something flashed across Luke’s face—maybe amusement?—but it was gone just as quickly. “You don’t like the meal.”
My automatic response was to deny it, but then just as quickly, I reconsidered. Luke’s mean words had crushed me. Why should I spare his feelings now? “No.”
“Because of the taste or the fact that you’re still mad at me?”
“Both,” I answered automatically. Then I folded my arms across my chest and looked away. Hopefully he’d understand how much he’d hurt me. I thought about our red hot pact, the one Kait, Sierra, and I had made, and how royally I’d failed at it. I hadn’t found a decent man—I’d found one who could dismiss all my effort, all my devotion to his family, with a few thoughtless words. And as for a job, I thought I’d found an interesting one, but it was a package deal. If he wanted me out of his personal life, then I was also out of his professional life.
It hurt, and it felt like failure, and suddenly, staying silent wasn’t enough. Maybe part of being red hot this year was also standing up for yourself—even when you hadn’t gotten any of the things you’d set out to get.
I turned back toward him. “I don’t give a shit about the food,” I said, my heart beating rapidly. I’d never spoken to anyone like that in my whole life. “I cared about you. And about your children. I did everything I could to help and support them, and you treated me like the help. Like a temp worker to hire and fire at will. Like someone who doesn’t mean anything to you.”
A tear slipped down my check. “Clearly I don’t mean anything to you, but I mean something to them. And they mean something to me. The way you treated me was cruel. I gave everything I could to your family, and you devastated me without a second thought.”
Luke’s face had turned paler as I raged at him. When he finally spoke, his voice was quiet. “Not without a second thought.”
More tears filled my eyes. “What does that mean?”
“It means I’ve regretted what I said ever since. You have no idea how much.”
It was a lie. I knew it was. If he really had regretted it, he wouldn’t have waited over a week to talk to me. Likely the twins had missed me and bugged him so much that he’d decided to make me an overcooked apology dinner. I meant nothing to him.
Luke stared at me for a long moment and then walked around the table to me. He kneeled down, placing a hand on my knee, and the next thing I knew, my arms were wrapped around him and I was sobbing on his shoulder. It didn’t make any sense, he was the one who’d hurt, me but being in his arms somehow released all my emotions. My sadness. My anger. My bewilderment.
He picked me up, as easily as he would one of the twins, and carried me to the couch, setting me down, his arm around me.
After a few more moments of enjoying the illusion of shelter his embrace provided, I pushed him away. “You don’t get to comfort me.” My voice was weepy and my words ended with a hiccup. “Not when you’re the one who hurt me.”
He nodded, getting up. He placed a warm, fleecy blanket over me and stepped back. “Let me get you something better to take comfort from. Don’t worry, I didn’t make it.”
I glowered as he retreated into the kitchen. He was being his usual self. Making jokes. Seeing the amusing side of things. Nothing in his manner indicated that he truly understood why I was upset.
Luke returned with two glasses of wine. He handed me one and set the other on the table. Then he moved to the fireplace and filled it with logs and kindling. I’d never seen him make a fire, but then again, I’d met him in the summer.
Finally, he retrieved his glass and sat next to me, about a foot away. He didn’t say anything, didn’t offer to clink his glass against mine. He just stared into the fire as we sipped our wine. In a way, I was grateful for the silence. It always took me a long time to stop crying once I started, and tonight was no exception.
Luke sighed and downed the last of his wine. He turned to me and took a deep breath. “I’ve been delaying taking to you—and delaying apologizing… because I don’t know what I could say that would make up for my behavior. All you ever did was to take care of me and my kids. All you ever did was to care for us. And I lashed out at you for that—for the very thing I should’ve been thanking you for the most. I can’t even begin to tell you how sorry I am for that, Gabi.”
I let out a shuddering breath. There it was, at last. But the phrase too little, too late rattled around in my mind. He’d done more than lash out at me. He’d belittled every interaction I’d ever had with his family.
Luke seemed to know it wasn’t enough. “Brandon met with a reading specialist this week. He’s going to get tested for dyslexia, and after the holidays, he’ll meet with the specialist three times a week.” His gaze remained steady on the fire. “I don’t need to tell you that I took that badly. You know I did. But the thought of him having to struggle like that really hit me hard. And maybe it was a bit of an ego thing. I’m a writer. A former professor. I didn’t want to think that my son might have a learning disorder. I know that’s a dumb way to think but it was my first reaction. I would’ve gotten pissed at anyone who brought that kind of news.”
Luke stared into the fire, lost in thought. Absentmindedly, he swung his arm across the back of the sofa, inches from my head. “It wasn’t just that, though. That was just the pin that popped the balloon of emotions I’d been holding in. Ever since I met you, Gabi, things have changed. My relationship with my kids has changed. It… I don’t mean that’s a bad thing, but for so long, it was just us. And then they met you. Can you imagine how I felt, hearing every single day about some random woman in the park whom they were wild about?”
His hand gripped the cushion behind my head—I could feel it moving under my shoulder. “I half thought you were some kind of female Pied Piper who lured the with baked goods. But then I met you, and you came to work for me, and I could see how damn good you were with them. How good you were for them. And that somehow touched a nerve. Because until then, I thought I was enough for them.”
Part of me wanted to speak up for him. He was a good father and he should know that. But part of me was still just too hurt. Instead, I turned toward him, my knees pulled up to my chest under the blanket. His arm was across the back of the sofa and I leaned my head against the back of the couch, my forehead lightly touching his arm.
“Objectively, I knew that was a good thing. The fact that my kids had someone else in their lives who cared for them was a good thing by anyone’s interpretation. But it also represented a change in my relationship to them. The first few years of their lives, I wasn’t around. I’ll regret that forever. But then for the last five years, I’ve been the only person who’s been around. The only person to love them and take care of them. And when that dynamic changed, it was hard for me.”
His hand rested lightly on my hair, stroking my curls. “I knew it was a good thing, but I had mixed feelings. My relationship with my kids was changing. Suddenly, I wasn’t their whole world anymore, and that was a lot to process. Even changes that are ultimately good can take some getting used to. And then I also had to deal with my feelings for you.”
My breath caught in my throat as I looked up at him. “I didn’t handle that well, either,” he admitted, making eye contact. “Not only did the twins have someone new to care about, I did too. But letting anyone into your life represents making changes—and it’s more high stakes when there are kids involved. It’s not something one should do lightly. So even though you made me feel things I hadn’t felt in years, I tried to keep our relationship professional.”
He laughed, a hollow sort of sound “Guess I failed miserably at that.”
I leaned my head back against his fingers, enjoying th
e warmth from his palm. “I failed at that, too. But I know it’s different for me. Less of a risk to… to let someone new into my life.” I held back the word I really wanted to use, one that started with an L.
“These last few months, I kept focusing on what was changing—my bond with my children. The pattern of our days. The closeness I felt when I was the only parental figure in their lives. I was so stupid, Gabi. I failed to see just how much we all gained. The twins have thrived under your attention. They love you, and I know that no matter how much I fucked up, you love them. That’s a good thing. The best. To have more love is a gift—a gift that I squandered.”
I closed my eyes, a few tears leaking out as he stroked my hair. He’d earned my forgiveness for half of the pain he’d caused. Before Thanksgiving, he’d belittled my relationship with the twins. Knowing that he didn’t really feel that way meant so much to me, because he was right, I loved them.
But that was only half of the issue. There was also the relationship he and I had started together.
Luke ran his thumb along my cheek, tracing the tear tracks until I opened my eyes and met his. “It wasn’t just the kids who fell for you. I wasn’t looking for romance at this point in my life, but there you were, standing on my doorstep with a present for my kids. And suddenly there was a gorgeous young woman around every day. One who challenged me and enthralled me. My kids had already decided they wanted you in their lives… and to my great surprise, I did too. You have no idea, Gabi. Most afternoons when I’d be up in my study supposedly writing, I’d be thinking about you down here, doing research or playing with the kids or cooking. You invaded my thoughts in a way that no one has in years. I—I knew it wasn’t right. Because of the kids. Because of our age difference. Because you were a young woman just starting out in her life. But I wanted you for my own. You have no idea how much.”