Land of My Heart

by Tracie Peterson

  “I can’t imagine that’s what’s making you all quiet. Usually you want to talk about things like that.”

  She remained quiet for several minutes. “Well, I do miss my family. I miss Zane and my sisters. I wish I knew where Trenton was. I haven’t had a letter from him in so long. I worry about him and wish he’d just come to Montana. And of course I miss my mother and father.”

  Cole stiffened but didn’t release her. Still, his actions made Dianne take note. “It overwhelms me sometimes to realize,” Dianne continued, watching him for further reaction, “that those I loved so dearly are gone. I’d love to see them again—just to share my heart and dreams.”

  “They might not even care. Did that ever cross your mind?”

  Dianne was surprised by this turn in the conversation. “Why do you say that?”

  Cole dropped his hold and started walking again. “People don’t always care about each other. And some folks come to realize that just because people are a part of the same family, that doesn’t mean there’s any love lost when they’re separated.”

  “I don’t understand. Are you saying you don’t miss your family?” Dianne asked, working hard to keep stride with him.

  “We don’t need to talk about my family. You’re the one who was upset.”

  “I want to know about your family—about you,” Dianne said without thought. “You always do this—you always close up. Why is that? Why is it that you’ll discuss calving and horse breeding, saddles and feed, but you won’t talk to me about Cole Selby?”

  Cole glanced her way but kept walking. “Fine. What do you want to know?”

  Dianne reached out and stopped him. She felt as though she were panting as she asked, “Do you miss your family?”

  “I think I miss the illusion of what I thought was my family, but otherwise I don’t miss them that much.”

  “Why is that?”

  Cole met her gaze, his dark brown eyes narrowing slightly as he spoke. “Because I just don’t. I don’t have to have a reason.”

  “Yes, I think you do.” Dianne suddenly felt as though she were about to get the answers she needed. She trembled slightly as she pressed him. “I’d really like to understand.”

  “My place is here. It’s better that I put the past and its people where it belongs—in the past.”

  “Is that what you’ll do with me when you tire of our love?”

  Cole looked at her incredulously. “Why would I tire of loving you? What makes you even think that’s possible?”

  “Why does a child tire of loving his mother and father—his siblings?” she asked softly.

  Cole pushed away from her. “You know the truth. You know what my father did. And I’ve told you of my mother’s indifference toward me. Although our last visit was decent, I don’t think she holds any real concern for my whereabouts or needs.”

  “Of course she does,” Dianne replied. “She’s your mother. She will always love you.”

  Cole crossed his arms and fixed his jaw. Dianne could see that he was angry, but she couldn’t let the matter drop. Something inside her pushed for answers, answers to explain the wall she felt she had to hurdle in order to reach the man she loved.

  “Cole, have you forgiven your father for what he did to Carrie? Have you forgiven your mother for her lack of nurturing?”

  “Why should I forgive them? They don’t deserve it. Besides, they’ve gone on with their lives. They couldn’t care less whether I forgive them or not.”

  “But I care.”

  “Why?”

  “Because holding in this anger is putting up barriers between you and me,” Dianne said, trying to help him understand. “Don’t you see? Until you learn to forgive those who wrong you, how can you love anyone?”

  “That doesn’t make sense.”

  Dianne could see he’d balled his hands into fists. He was more than a little irritated with her line of questioning and comments. Still, it seemed as though God were guiding her very words.

  “Cole, you say you love me—want to marry me. But how can I marry a man who won’t forgive?”

  “I’d forgive you—if you needed me to,” he muttered.

  “How can I be sure of that? The only examples you’ve given me— examples with people you once loved dearly—is that there is to be no forgiveness for bad judgment and behavior. Why should I believe that you’d forgive me if I made a mistake?”

  “Dianne, none of this makes sense.”

  “But it does, Cole. If you weren’t so mad at me right now, you’d be able to see it for yourself. I’m sorry, but this is serious. I don’t see how we can get married until you’ve learned to forgive your father for his mistake.”

  “It wasn’t a mistake!” Cole yelled.

  “You mean to tell me your father intentionally killed Carrie? That he knew it was Carrie and purposefully set out to end her life?”

  “Well … he … oh, just leave me alone. You don’t understand.” Cole began to storm off toward the barn.

  Dianne ran to catch up with him, hoping against hope that she might help him to understand. “Cole, I do understand. My father was accidentally killed in crossfire in New Madrid. I blamed myself for a long time for his death. My mother wandered away while under my care and froze to death.” She paused. “I know what it is to feel responsible for someone dying. I know how it weighs on you day after day, even when you know you didn’t pull the trigger. I can only imagine how awful it would be if I had been the one to shoot him.”

  Cole stopped walking but said nothing. Dianne looked at him, praying he might understand her. “Please forgive him, Cole. Forgive him and your mother and anyone else who has wronged you.”

  “What if that someone else is God?” Cole asked. “Do you suggest I forgive God, as well, because I hold a grudge against Him just as surely as I do my father?”

  Dianne was so stunned by this declaration that she didn’t know what to say. Her mouth opened but words wouldn’t form. He held God a grudge? How could he just say it like that—like God was no more important than the man next door?

  Cole shook his head. “Maybe I’m not the man you should marry after all. Love is obviously not enough for you.”

  With that he walked away. Not in the same stalking manner, but rather a defeated one. Dianne was frozen to the ground. She couldn’t have moved if she’d had to.

  “Oh, Lord,” she whispered, “help him. Please help him.”

  CHAPTER 38

  “I’M SORRY YOUR HEART IS SO HEAVY,” KOKO SAID TO DIANNE AS they worked to make bread together. “But I’m glad you’ve finally told me what happened. These last few days have caused me great concern for you.”

  “It’s just that I never realized that the problem between Cole and me was God. I just figured that because we gathered every Sunday for Uncle Bram to share Scripture and pray for us Cole believed in God and had his own faith in God. Now, after all this time, the truth is hard to take.”

  “Better now than after you were married,” Koko declared. She punched down the dough and smiled with great satisfaction. “This will be fine bread. I know the men will enjoy it. Of course it won’t last long into their stay at the range shack, but it will be pleasing for the time.”

  Dianne nodded. She and Koko had agreed to make as many extra loaves of bread as possible. Uncle Bram had already announced they would move the cattle north within the week. Gus also had plans to head over to the fort with an additional few head for sale. He also promised to bring back word from Zane.

  “I hope you and Cole can work everything out,” Koko said, giving Dianne’s arm a gentle pat. “I want you both to stay here and be happy. I liked knowing that it would be you and Cole who would run the ranch after Bram was gone.”

  “Well, God willing, Uncle Bram won’t die for many, many years. As for Cole and me … well … only God knows.” She sighed and covered the bread to rise again. “I hope Cole will make peace with God. I know there can be no future … for us … without that.” Her voice br
oke and tears came to her eyes.

  “God knows the best way of things,” Koko said, embracing her friend. “We must trust Him. We will keep praying about this, all right?”

  Dianne sniffed back her tears. “Yes. Oh yes.”

  Cole worked alone to round up strays. He’d had little luck in finding any of the missing cattle, however. The isolation had calmed his anger. Here he could just ride and ride and not have to feel guilty for his feelings or thoughts.

  Why does she have to be this way? Why does it matter how I feel about Pa or God or anyone else but her? Women are such peculiar creatures. He was ready and willing to make a life with her—to support her by the sweat of his brow. To give her his heart and be faithful to her until death. Why wasn’t that enough?

  “How’s it going?”

  Cole turned his horse to find Bram Vandyke approaching from behind. He hoped the man would respect Cole’s privacy and refrain from bringing up anything related to his disagreement with Dianne.

  “I haven’t found any of the strays,” Cole said, waiting for Bram to draw his horse up alongside.

  “I wonder if we could talk for a few minutes. Seems like a good place for a discussion,” Bram said, smiling. “No one to interrupt.”

  Cole grimaced. “I suppose, if that’s what you want.”

  “I think it’d do you some good. Why don’t we head over to those rocks?”

  Cole nodded and led the way. He knew Bram probably had heard everything from Dianne. No doubt she’d spilled her heart and told Bram that Cole was the same as a heathen. Maybe Bram wanted to let him go.

  Dismounting, Cole tried to justify his feelings. Somehow in preparing to discuss matters with Bram, he seemed less certain of his right to hold this anger. Truth be told, he’d been less certain since his talk with Dianne. He couldn’t help it. Anger and rage toward his father and even toward God had been his companion for so long now, he wasn’t sure there was even hope for resolution.

  He hobbled the horse and left Buddy to feed on the grass while Bram did likewise with his own mount. The big man lumbered up to the rocks as if he didn’t have a care in the world, while Cole felt as though he were about to go on trial for murder.

  “I can see by the expression on your face that you figure I’m here to give you a good dressing down, but in truth, that’s not why I came,” Bram began.

  “No?”

  “Not at all. I know you’re unhappy, but I don’t know why. I know Dianne is troubled as well.”

  “You mean she didn’t tell you?”

  Bram shook his head. “No. Should she have?”

  Cole sank onto one of the rocks and shrugged. “I don’t know. We had a fight. I got pretty mad and walked away saying that maybe we shouldn’t marry.”

  “Why is that?”

  Cole toyed with a rock. “Dianne felt like something was wrong between us, and yet it wasn’t between us at all.” He paused and sighed.

  “I tried to tell her that, but she doesn’t see it that way.”

  “Can you explain it to me?”

  Bram’s gentle nudging disarmed Cole’s heart. Without meaning to, he blurted out the entire situation until finally he’d said it all. Taking off his hat, Cole struggled for words to conclude. “I guess you’re pretty shocked to hear someone say they hold God a grudge.”

  Bram chuckled. “No, not really. I’ve been there before, son. You aren’t the first one to be angry with God and you won’t be the last one.”

  Cole turned and looked Bram in the eye. “You were mad at God?”

  “I think everyone goes through a time in their lives when they have at least a tiny spark of anger. They may not get as mad as you or me, but they still question why God would put them through something bad. They still get upset to think that God could have stopped bad things from happening but didn’t.”

  “Dianne said I had to make my peace with God and my father—that I had to learn to forgive before I could love her.”

  “I think she’s right,” Bram replied. “I think that when a man’s heart is hardened toward God, he can’t give anything of value to anyone else. He must first deal with his hard heart—let God make it supple again.”

  “Maybe God doesn’t want to make it supple again. Maybe I’m beyond help.”

  “I’ve felt that way too. I’ve never told Dianne why I came west. My own sister never knew. The fact of the matter was my father and I had a horrible argument. He wanted me to take over his business of making and repairing clocks. I wanted no part of it. He had presumed for all those years I helped him that I would naturally stay and be a part of the business. I told him, however, that I wanted only to go west and explore the country, live my own life and make my own way.

  “He was enraged. He’d planned for years how it would be. He’d drawn up the paper work and was ready to add my name to the business. And there I stood, shoving this gift back in his face. Now I can see that by rejecting the business, he felt I was rejecting him. But it was never that way.” Bram grew very thoughtful. “He told me if I left—if I walked away from this opportunity—that he’d never speak to me again. He told me he’d disown me and settle everything on Susannah. I told him to go right ahead and walked out. I didn’t even tell him good-bye. I simply went to my room, packed my bags, and left. The only note I offered was to Susannah and my mother, explaining that I had chosen a different life for myself but that I loved them both. I said nothing about my father.”

  The silence hung between them for several minutes after Bram concluded. Cole didn’t know what to say, but a part of him desperately wanted to know if Bram had ever sought his father’s forgiveness.

  Bram cleared his throat. “For years, I was angry at God.”

  “At God?” Cole questioned without thinking. “Why?”

  Bram smiled. “I figured God could have let my father see reason. I figured God could have interceded and stopped the whole thing from becoming such an ugly affair. I convinced myself that God was surely against me because nothing went right for years after that. So I became hard and angry toward God. I remember even telling Him, ‘Fine. If you don’t care about me, I won’t care about you.’ I somehow felt vindicated by that outburst.”

  “So what happened?” Cole asked.

  “A lot of things. No matter how far I tried to run, God wouldn’t leave me alone. I’d find myself in the company of missionaries or traveling preachers. I’d wander across the countryside for days and when I was down to my last ounce of strength, happen upon some isolated house where they’d take me in. Only to find out,” he said with a grin, “that the family was completely devoted to God. Not just religious, mind you, but rather filled with all kinds of loving joy about being a part of God’s earthly family. It just about drove me insane.”

  Cole couldn’t help but smile. “I think I understand how that is.”

  “I finally met a man who talked to me without milking it down for me. He wasn’t in the least bit concerned about sparing my feelings. He told me I was acting like a selfish sinner. Of course at first I was offended and decided I wouldn’t hear the man out. Then he said something to me that drove a knife right into my heart.”

  “What?” Cole couldn’t imagine anything being that powerful.

  “He told me I could go on being a lost sinner, living my life as I chose, ignoring the offer of eternal life and the peace that only God could give me. But, he told me, ‘You will literally have to step over the broken, bleeding, nail-pierced body of Jesus in order to enter the gates of hell.’ ”

  Cole shifted uncomfortably at this. The image in his mind was vivid. “I don’t understand,” he murmured, afraid that he really did understand more than he wanted to.

  “Cole, you can go on with your anger at God and your father. You can go straight to hell when you die and never look back. But to do so, you’ll have to make a decided choice to reject Jesus and what He did for you.”

  They were quiet for several minutes while Cole tried desperately to collect himself. He wanted to
do the right thing, to have peace in his heart and soul. God knew—He completely and totally knew the misery that Cole had carried around these last few years.

  Bram turned once again to Cole. “I never had the chance to make things right with my father. He died before I could send a letter back to him seeking his forgiveness. I’ve always carried that heartache with me. I’d give anything if I could see him just one more time and ask him to forgive me.”

  Tears blurred Cole’s vision. “But my father killed the woman I loved. God let her die in my arms. Let her die.”

  “He let His Son die too,” Bram said softly. He reached out and put his hand on Cole’s shoulder. “He let Him die so that you might live.”

  Cole felt a dam release somewhere deep inside. It was as though years of pent-up emotion and rage came pouring out in the form of painwracked sobs. “I’m so worthless. He can’t possibly want me. He can’t possibly forgive me.”

  Bram hugged Cole close. “Son, He’s always wanted you—and He stands ready to forgive you. But you have to ask.”

  “Do you really believe that?”

  Bram nodded. “With all my heart.”

  Cole fought back his tears. He wanted the peace that Bram talked about—he wanted things to be right again. “Please,” he whispered, gazing heavenward, “oh, God, please.”

  Dianne saw Cole ride into the yard and wondered if he’d ignore her as he had the previous days since their fight. She continued combing Dolly, hoping and praying that somehow Cole might find peace.

  In the corral beyond where Dianne worked, Dolly’s colt, Petra, kicked up his heels and sprinted in youthful exuberance. Dianne watched him for several minutes, laughing at his antics. He bore markings that suggested he’d be a buckskin like his mother, but Dianne knew that could change as he grew older. She’d seen it happen before.

  “Can we talk?”

  She startled at Cole’s low voice.

  “Of course,” she replied, continuing to comb the horse.

  Cole climbed atop the fence and settled himself on the rail. “I want first to apologize for the way I’ve behaved. I was angry, but more than that, I was afraid.”