Dale Mettam

by The Pub at the Center of the Universe (retail) (epub)

  They reached a red door with a number 13 on it. There was neither a lock nor a handle.

  “Your F.R.B. has the access code and will send a signal when you want to open the door, or lock it. I have a few things I need to do. I’ll come back for you in an hour or so.”

  “Is that an hour like I know it?” Kirk asked.

  “Probably not.” Lu grinned. “Sevres Prime is larger than Pang... Earth and the rotation cycle is different. That’s why I added the ‘or so’.”

  “Right,” said Kirk grimly. “Well, I’ll be here waiting. Not like I have anywhere else to go.”

  Lu turned and marched back across the courtyard and was soon gone from sight. Kirk turned back to the door to his new home.

  “So what do I have to say to get this door open, Cas?”

  “Open sesame,” replied the F.R.B.

  “Really?” Said Kirk.

  “I am a complex mechanism linked to you by a series of highly sensitive nanoprobes and the technology involved in this combined device is so far beyond your limited comprehension that a leaf from a tree on this planet would have more of chance of understanding it. Do you really think you need a magic word or phrase for me to know that you wish a door to be opened or closed?”

  Kirk sighed. “If you are so advanced, why am I still standing outside with the door closed?”

  “Because you didn’t say the magic words,” replied Casio.

  “Are you trying to develop an artificial sense of Humor to go along with that artificial personality?”

  “Is it working?”

  “No.”

  The door slid open with a quiet hiss and Kirk entered his new home.

  In the time it took Lu to return, Kirk had very little opportunity to relax, or spend a great deal of time exploring the layout of his new apartment. This was due to the constant stream of visitors to his door.

  The first was a human-looking woman who emitted an odd clicking noise as she spoke, and gave Kirk the distinct impression she was one of the many beetle-like species Lu had told him about.

  She introduced herself as Mrs. Itts Itsib.

  “I would CLICK just like to welcome you CLICK-CLICK to the Shady Boughs apartment CLICK complex. It is so CLICK-CLACK-CLICK nice to have a recent CLICK-CLICK recruit to the CLACK Universal Securitat CLICK-CLICK in our midst.” Mrs. Itsib gushed.

  “Thank you,” said Kirk, unsure exactly what the protocol might be here and anxious not to offend anyone by his lack of experience dealing with aliens.

  “If there is anything CLICK-CLICK-CLACKCLICK we, your neighbors CLICK can do for you, please CLICK-CLICK don’t hesitate to ask. CLICK And I do mean anything,” she said warmly.

  “Thank you,” Kirk repeated. “Now, if I could CLACK-CLACK just leave this with you...?” she said, offering him a sheet of paper.

  Kirk took the paper and glanced down at it.

  “It’s only a CLICK-CLICK formality,” Mrs. Itsib said. “A Deed of Covenant CLICK that all the CLACK members of the Neighborhood Association abide by. There are dues that you CLICK- CLICK-CLICKCLACK- CLICK now owe, but we don’t need to worry about that CLICK now.”

  “Right,” said Kirk.

  “Well, CLICK-CLICK I expect you have things CLICK to be doing, so I won’t keep you CLACKCLACK. Good night.”

  “Good night,” replied a slightly bemused Kirk as Mrs. Itsib scuttled away across the courtyard.

  Around five minutes later, as Kirk was just finishing reading the Deed of Covenant, which as far as he could see, was not too bad, there was a sharp rap at his door.

  Standing on the doorstep was a small, plump Aweddi who was gently glowing orange in color.

  “The name’s Captain Lett Smakk, retired,” said the Aweddi in a pompous tone. “Duly elected representative of the Shady Boughs Apartment Complex Neighborhood Association. Breach of Covenant enforcement representative.”

  Kirk gave him a bemused look. “Okay.”

  “It is my duly elected duty, a responsibility I take very seriously, young man, so do not even think of trying to corrupt me, my office, or my duties. It is my aforementioned sworn duty, to inform you that you are in breach of the Deed of Covenant regarding the tone of your apartment.”

  “I’m sorry?” Kirk said, confused by this verbal barrage.

  “Apology accepted. And in light of your position in the community and your recent arrival, I am authorized by the duly elected Board of the Shady Boughs Apartment Complex Neighborhood Association, to inform you that you are currently in breach of Paragraph 4, sub-paragraph E. To whit: Tenant and Neighbor, being you,” he pointed three hands at Kirk. “Must ensure that the exterior of the property is of an acceptable standard, compliant with the rest of the properties.”

  Kirk said nothing.

  “Your door, young man!” exclaimed Captain Smakk, retired.

  “What’s wrong with it?” Kirk asked.

  “The color is quite obviously three shades lighter than the other doors in the Complex. This stands out and brings the tone, and value of the neighboring apartments, some of which are owned and not rented, down in value. You have been thus informed and we, the Shady Boughs Apartment Complex Neighborhood Association, of which I am the duly designated representative, will be expecting this to be remedied in the immediate future. Any questions?”

  Before the bemused Kirk could answer, Captain Smakk, retired, had spun quickly on the spot and was marching away. “Welcome to the neighborhood,” he barked over his shoulder.

  The next visitor was a sultry-looking alien that Kirk deeply hoped was female, because beneath the flowing, loose, diaphanous robes that hung from her body, she was curved in all the wrong places if she wasn’t. And curved in ways that forced Kirk to think long thoughts about the rules of baseball in order not to embarrass himself. Lawando Carribbé spoke in a soft, husky voice that made Kirk immediately forget she seemed to be covered with a soft downy powder blue fur.

  “I just wanted to say hello,” Lawando cooed. “I’m on top of you.”

  Kirk blushed, all attempts at presenting a cool manner gone now. “Thank-nice-to-you-meet,” he spluttered.

  Lawando smiled, and for a moment Kirk thought he would faint. His pulse pounded so hard in his forehead he was sure she would see and think him a complete fool.

  “I brought you a small welcoming gift.”

  Lawando smiled again, showing him a small potted plant spotted with petite round purple fruit.

  “It’s a pubbaberry plant,” she said, handing it to Kirk.

  “Th... than... thank you,” he said. “It’s very kind of you.”

  “It’s considered an aphrodisiac on my home world,” Lawando smiled once more, giving Kirk the uneasy feeling that whether he wanted to or not, he would be having fun with Lawando at some point in the not-too-distant future.

  “I have to go now,” she almost whispered. “But perhaps we can get together later?”

  “I’ll look forward to it,” Kirk blurted.

  Lawando smiled again and slunk away.

  Even before the door had fully closed, there was another sharp rap and Kirk, still holding the plant, spun around and opened the door again.

  “You want to try one of the Pubbaberries now?” He grinned, anticipating the return of his powder blue, fluffy neighbor.

  “I do not!” snapped Captain Smakk, retired.

  Kirk snapped out of the warm floating feeling he’d been experiencing since he set eyes on Lawando. The look on the face of Captain Smakk, Retired would have been enough to sober the drunkest man, let alone one who was merely enraptured by a lovely blue furred alien.

  “I... I thought you were...”

  “I do not care who you thought I was, I am here to inform you, as duly elected...”

  “Duly elected representative of
the Shady Boughs Neighborhood Association.”

  “Shady Boughs Apartment Complex Neighborhood Association,” Captain Smakk, retired, corrected him. “That you are also in breach of Paragraph , to whit: No member of the Shady Boughs Apartment Complex Neighborhood Association shall grow, or possess such plants that shall bear fruit or vegetables. All flora shall be limited to agreed upon and acceptable decorative plant life, as listed in Appendix twenty-seven.”

  “But it was a gift!” protested Kirk.

  “Should I repeat the quoted paragraph for you, young man?”

  “That won’t be necessary.”

  “Would you like me to list the approved decorative plant life, listed in Appendix twenty-seven.”

  “That won’t be necessary either.”

  “Insofar as this is your first offense, your blatant disregard for the tone of the complex, not withstanding, I will impose the minimum fine allowable for such an offense, as listed in Appendix one of the Deed of Covenant. As duly elected representative of the Shady Boughs Apartment Complex Neighborhood Association, I am obliged to inform you that you can appeal this decision if you wish. Do you wish?”

  “Yes,” said Kirk.

  “Very well, as duly elected representative to the Appeals Board for the Shady Boughs Apartment Complex Neighborhood Association, I hereby deny your appeal, and in light of this antagonistic attitude and failure to comply with several items listed in the Deed of Covenant, I hereby double the original fine.”

  “But...”

  “Do you wish to appeal this decision? It is your right.”

  “Will you be the person reviewing the appeal?”

  “As duly elected representative to the Appeals Board for the Shady Boughs Apartment Complex Neighborhood Association, I would.”

  “Then I’ll pass, thanks all the same.”

  “Very well,” replied Captain Smakk, retired, as he spun and began to march away. “I trust we can expect you at the Shady Boughs Apartment Complex Neighborhood Association cookout next week?”

  “Is it a mandatory thing?” Kirk asked suspiciously.

  “Not at all. Completely voluntary,” assured the Captain Smakk, retired. “As is the food that you bring or do not bring.”

  “But there will be a fine if I don’t attend, or attend without a food item, or attend with a food item that has not been approved by the Association, right?”

  “That is correct. We look forward to seeing you there.”

  Kirk closed the door and sank into a large comfortable chair. When the door buzzed, he sighed and considered not answering, but the thought occurred to him that there was probably an acceptable amount of time you were allowed to let someone wait on your doorstep, so he walked over, and with impending dread, opened it.

  “Come on, let’s go eat,” Lu grinned at him.

  “Do you like curry?”

  “Curry!?” Kirk exclaimed.

  “Another universal constant,” she said.

  “I love it.” Kirk smiled.

  As they walked out of the courtyard and back onto the street, Kirk was aware of being watched. Captain Lett Smakk, retired, was making no attempt to conceal the fact he was keeping a close eye on Kirk, nor apparently that he disapproved of what he was doing. Kirk was not entirely sure he could do anything the retired Aweddi captain would approve of, and had the distinct impression that his very being offended the old warhorse.

  Mrs. Itsib was being at least a little more covert about her studious observations of her new neighbor, though as far as Kirk could see she appeared to be vacuuming her small patch of neatly cropped lawn, and while given the nature of the rules that governed the apartment complex, this could be a requirement, it didn’t make her seem quite as unobtrusive to him as she perhaps thought.

  Finally, as he took a quick look back before exiting the courtyard, he caught a glimpse of Lawando. She, like the retired captain, was making no secret that she was watching him, though Kirk was sure her motives were quite different from the association’s duly elected representative.

  “I would stay away from her if I were you,” said Lu, apparently reading his mind.

  “Who?” Asked Kirk, blushing.

  “The exoticisian.”

  Kirk still looked blankly at her.

  “Your blue furry friend?”

  “Oh her.” Kirk blushed even more.

  “Yes, her,” Lu said. “You have a species like that back on Earth. Praying mantis I believe.”

  “What?” Kirk looked back for a glimpse of Lawando.

  “Just remember, you’re in deep waters here. The F.R.B. might make things look, sound, smell and taste just like back home, but that doesn’t mean much. The way things look and the way they are, usually, even without an F.R.B., are very different. Never go on face value. Your life may well depend on it.”

  Kirk gave her a worried look and gulped.

  “She brought me a gift,” he said, weakly.

  “Just stick close to me, don’t do anything dumb, and you’ll be fine, I promise.”

  If Kirk had been feeling like a fish out of water when he left the Shady Boughs apartments, a couple of hours later, he was feeling like he was completely at home, and the universe had suddenly come into perfect alignment.

  The place Lu took him to was uncannily like his favorite Indian restaurant back on Earth, even down to the sitar background music that seemed to be the best of Hollywood blockbusters and was now doing a curious version of The Godfather main theme. The curry, even allowing for the fact that he was sure it was not real chicken, chicken madras, was good enough that for a while he didn’t wonder about what part of some hideous creature he was eating. The popadoms, garlic nan bread, and even the sweet mango chutney were all equally excellent. The real thing that nailed the evening though, was the beer. While Kirk was surprised to find that the restaurant carried what appeared to be the standard beer in all Indian restaurants, the one with the tiger on the label and unpronounceable name, they also served a fantastic real ale. Lu had explained that for some reason curry houses seemed to be a magnet for universal constants.

  “You need to be careful of the real ale though,” she said as Kirk ordered his fourth pint.

  “Why? I was raised on this stuff. It’s like mother’s milk to me.”

  “Just watch yourself. The last thing I need is to have to carry you home.”

  Kirk looked across at her and realized she was serious. He thought of the things they’d been through, and the curious way in which she could kick her way through almost any obstacle, even the thugs back on Titan. About the way she could travel much faster than he would have thought she possible, and that since she looked totally human, she was quite probably not. She mentioned that the closer someone looked to the way he did, was a clear indication that they were very alien, and given that Kirk had an ever increasing sensation that he did in fact recognize Lu, or at least the image she presented him with, he was certain that she was concealing her identity from him.

  However, he also remembered that when they were trying to escape from Enon she warned him that to deliberately manufacture an image with your F.R.B. was against the law. Surely, if she was an agent for this Universal Securitat, she wouldn’t be doing that, would she? He took a gulp of his beer and resolved to push the point. She might refuse to answer, and he definitely didn’t want to get on her wrong side, but if he was supposed to trust this person with his life, it was only fair that she should trust him with her real appearance.

  He opened his mouth to speak, but was interrupted.

  “Y’ know, monkeeboy. D’sspite the way this started. I love you.”

  Kirk looked down at Casio, sitting on his belt.

  “Ah,” smiled Lu.

  “Did he just say what I thought he said?” Kirk asked.

  “It’s the b
eer,” Lu said.

  “Iss not th’ beer,” protested Casio. “Iff Issay I luffim, I lufff him.”

  “How can a computer get drunk?” Asked Kirk.

  “Well, the thing is...” Lu began.

  “Sso. D’ you luff me asswell?” Casio said.

  “It’s the nanoprobes.”

  “But how can he be drunk?”

  “He isn’t drunk in the way you would be, and frankly I’m surprised you aren’t on your back by now. I’ve seen hardened marines out cold after three of those. Casio is calibrated to certain levels to work with your system. If you were drunk right now, you would still be able to function pretty well, because your F.R.B. would be compensating. You aren’t drunk yet, and Casio is overcompensating to try and balance things.”

  “Ssmatter. Nobody effer tolyou th’ they luffya b’fore?”

  “Well, it is just a bit if a surprise, is all,” Kirk stammered.

  “S’ss’prise?” said the F.R.B. “After all weefbin throo?”

  “Well, you have been pretty hostile to me.”

  “Pfuee!” Said Casio. “Tha’ monkeeboy thing is juss me haffin fun. Can’t I haffsssome fun?”

  “Well, yeah, but...”

  “Bu’ wha’?”

  “Well, you are a computer.”

  “Wha! Can an artifiss... arsy... F.R.B. have fun around you then monkeeboy?” snarled Casio.

  “No, it’s just...”

  “Too good for uss now, eh? Evolff from monkeeeess and you’re too good to show a li’l luff to a lowly compuser?”

  “It’s not like that at all,” said Kirk.

  “Right. Right. Outside now! You ‘n’ me. Outside. I’ll sho’you not to diss... dissress... to say you don’ luffme.”

  “Look, it’s not that...”

  “Wassamatter? Scared? Lemmetellyou, monkeeboy. You should be scared. Bloody terrified s’what you should be.”

  Kirk looked pleadingly across at Lu, who was enjoying the show.

  “Can’t you do anything?”

  “Well, I could,” she said. “But there’ll probably be a hangover involved.”