by T. K. Chapin
Going after her, I said, “Oh, come off it, Emily. There’s no reason to withhold hope from a child!” She went into her bedroom and slammed the door.
“Why is she acting like a teenage girl?” Christopher asked.
Looking back at him, I said, “Have a little compassion. Our mom just died.” I took a deep breath in and let it out. “People process things differently, and for your mom with her beliefs…”
Christopher interrupted me. “She doesn’t believe in anything…”
“I know,” I replied.
“So why would you say her beliefs?”
“If I wasn’t interrupted, you would have heard it.” I sat back down on the couch, close to the recliner Christopher was in. “Without a belief in heaven… she grieves with no hope. It’s different when someone dies and you don’t believe in heaven.”
He nodded. “I was freaked out until you mentioned heaven.”
“Exactly,” I replied with a nod.
Suddenly Emily’s bedroom door cracked open and we both looked up as she came out of the hallway. My sister’s eyes were red and swollen. She looked so sad, it tore me to pieces.
“I want to know about heaven,” she said as she came into the living room and sat on the edge of the recliner next to her son.
I smiled partially and nodded. “What do you think it is?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know. Never spent a whole lot of time on the topic back in my church days… Floating spirits and angels? Harps and clouds?” She sighed. “I know it’s stupid.”
I shook my head. “No, it’s a pretty common misconception.”
“So then, tell me about it,” she replied.
“I don’t know a whole lot. But I know that God is going to create a new heaven and a new Earth and it’s going to be amazing. There won’t be any pain, heartache or any sin whatsoever in heaven. Our loved ones who have accepted Jesus Christ as their Savior will be there, and we’ll spend eternity with God.”
“Eternity is a long time… I’m so scared it’ll be boring,” Emily replied. “I don’t want to go to a never ending church service.”
I shook my head at her. “I don’t think it’s going to be like that, Ems.”
“I like this life, Kane. I have passions and happiness with lots of things in this world.”
“And why won’t that be in heaven? God created us in His image. He fashioned us to make art, to have passion and to enjoy all His creation has to offer. That’s not going to change. What will change is the pain, the sin and the fallen state of man.”
Emily began crying as she shook her head. “I don’t know how to believe that.”
I stood up and came over to her. Christopher reached up and rubbed her back. I crouched on my knees to look at her as she looked towards the floor. “Ems. Mom told me the day before she died that you have to have faith, and faith is felt with the fingertips of your soul.”
“What does that mean?” Emily asked.
“Well, your soul is who you are. Your mind, emotions and basic drive for life. When you decide to trust in God, you are investing yourself—your soul— into Him. When you make the decision to trust God and believe in the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus Christ, you receive the Holy Spirit. Then, when that Spirit is allowed to flourish and is being fed, everything in your life begins to flourish based off that original faith and trust you placed in God.”
Emily had a blank look on her face.
“For example, I powered on my phone after not having it on through the onslaught of people reaching out to me for condolences. When the notifications all came tumbling in at once, I would have been overwhelmed, but God’s Holy Spirit was there to help me. His Spirit is working in all avenues of my life since I decided to walk in the Spirit instead of the flesh, with a fully committed life to Him. Everywhere I go, everywhere I look, I can find evidences of God working in my life.”
She nodded. “Every time my phone would ding with a notification, my heart would twist in pain.”
“See? I didn’t have that,” I replied.
“But… what about the initial part of that? The initial faith?”
“That’s believing in the death, burial and resurrection and placing your trust, aka faith, in Christ Jesus as your Lord and Savior.”
She nodded slightly. “So, he makes you not sad about Mom?”
I shook my head. “I’m devastated by the loss of our mother. But I don’t grieve like this world does. I grieve with hope. I know I’ll see Mom in Heaven down the line.”
“There’s plenty of people who don’t believe in God who believe in heaven,” Emily retorted.
“Yeah. But they don’t know if it’s true. They just kind of cruise through life, hoping it’ll end up the way they want. We on the other hand, have the Scriptures and promises from God himself that give us a different kind of hope. A real hope. And God comforts us in our pain.”
“I believe it all!” Christopher said, wiping tears from his cheeks.
Emily looked over at him. “Really?”
He nodded. “Kane experienced this, Mom. He’s not reading it out of some church pamphlet or using a manuscript. He’s talking about something that really happened to him!”
She looked back at me. “I want to believe so desperately… but logically, I can’t. It’s why I went to church for years but never made the commitment. It’s just… not for me?”
I nodded as I knew she was on the right track. Given more time, my sister would be soon at the foot of the cross. In God’s time, not mine. Looking at Christopher, I asked, “Do you want to accept Jesus into your heart as your Lord and Savior?”
He nodded.
I smiled. “Let’s go over a few things and then we’ll pray.”
CHAPTER 12
After an eventful afternoon, I wanted to treat Christopher to dinner in celebration of his new found faith in Christ. Emily stayed in the kitchen and bedroom through most the afternoon while Christopher and I prayed and talked about his new life in Christ. I was a bit worried when I pitched Emily the idea of tagging along with us to dinner, as she had been avoiding us since Christopher’s commitment.
“Hey, Sis,” I shouted from the couch in the living room.
“Yeah?” she replied, from the kitchen.
“Want to go grab some food with us? I am going to take Christopher out to celebrate.”
She turned the faucet off in the sink, and came to the doorway that connected the living room to the kitchen. “Seriously?” she asked.
“What?” I responded, confused.
“Mom’s gone and you want to go have a celebratory dinner? You sure don’t seem upset…” She returned to the dishes in the sink.
I followed after her. “Of course I’m upset about Mom!” I said. “But your son just accepted Jesus into his heart. That’s amazing and should be celebrated.”
“I guess I just don’t get it,” she replied, shaking her head as she continued loading the dishwasher.
“I guess you don’t…” I turned to leave the kitchen.
“Wait!” she said, grabbing onto my shoulder. “I’ll go… I don’t understand it… but I’ll go. I’m happy for him.”
I smiled. Hugging her, I said, “Thank you. I love you.”
“I love you too,” she replied.
“I’m hungry,” Christopher said as he walked into the kitchen. “When are we going?”
“Let’s go right now,” Emily said, pushing out a half-smile. I knew she didn’t get it, but I was happy she was trying, at least for Christopher.
As we sat down at a booth in the restaurant, I spotted Fred Foster over at a table with a few other officers in blue. “There’s the guy who arrested me,” I said, nodding towards his table as I scooted into the booth next to Emily.
She looked over and asked, “Which one?”
“The one with the short, curly brown hair.”
She scoffed. “He looks like a tool.”
I shook my head. “No, he’s not. He does a lot of great w
ork for this city. I think he misunderstands what happened at the Christmas party.”
Emily raised her eyebrows over at me. “Wow… the way you’ve talked about him in the past, I thought you hated the guy.”
“Yeah, me too. I just feel different towards him now,” I replied. Thinking about God, it made me realize it was due to Him. “It’s a God thing.”
Emily said nothing, but smiled.
Looking over at Christopher, I saw him squinting as he stared out the window. “What’s on your mind?” I asked.
Looking at both of us, he said, “Maybe if I can start going to that church, I can go to more LAN parties and stuff with Blake and the youth. Ya know?” Christopher’s eyes were wide and excited. Suddenly the waitress came over to the table.
“What can I get you guys to drink?” the server asked as she passed out the menus.
“Cola,” Emily and Christopher said.
“I’ll take a water,” I replied.
“I’ll be right back. I need to go to the restroom,” Christopher said as he slid out of the booth and headed to the bathroom.
“I’ll get those drinks out,” the server said, leaving the table.
“I don’t think he’s going to be able to go to youth group,” Emily said.
I looked over at her. “How come?”
“I just don’t see how that’ll work… I’m gone a ton, and he’s not able to drive or anything.”
“I’m sure someone will pick him up. He did manage to get a ride home from the LAN party with no effort on my part,” I said as the server returned with our drinks. She placed each glass in front of us and dropped three straws in the middle of the table. “Thanks,” I said to her, and she left again.
Emily reached out and grabbed one of the straws. Putting it into her soda, she said, “I don’t see a benefit in him going to church at all.”
“C’mon, Ems. You know church helps. First hand…” I replied.
“Don’t remind me of my past.”
“Oh, you don’t like that?” I laughed.
She smiled.
“Plus, he’s running with a bad crowd.. That friend of his I saw the other day at your house. They were smoking pot.”
She furrowed her eyebrows. “You don’t know that,” Emily said.
“Actually he’s right,” Christopher added as he sat back down in the booth.
“Really? You’ve been doing drugs?” Emily asked, looking up at him.
Christopher hung his head as he scooted the rest of the way back into the seat. “I’m sorry, Mom.”
Emily’s eyes began watering. “I don’t get it, Christopher. I try so hard to give you everything you want!”
He looked up at her with tears in his eyes. “But all I ever wanted was more time with you.”
I could sense Emily’s stress building up inside as she rubbed her shoulder. She had spent so many years working to become a surgeon, and now her son was feeling neglected. I tried to ease the tension. “You have to make the right choices for yourself, Christopher. Your mom can’t make them for you.”
Emily looked over at me. “He’s just a kid, Kane.”
“True. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t know what is right and wrong.” I looked over at Christopher. “You knew smoking pot was wrong, didn’t you? That’s why you scrambled when I showed up, and your buddy ran out the door?”
“Yeah…” Christopher replied. “But it doesn’t matter anymore.”
“Why?” Emily asked.
“I don’t even want to do it anymore, Mom. That’s the cool thing about my new life in Christ,” Christopher replied, glancing my direction. “Now that I have God… I don’t feel like I need that stuff. I feel I have purpose and I was uniquely made in the image of God! The world is my oyster, Mom. Don’t you get that? I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me. I feel so happy knowing that I’m a child of God.” He beamed with pride in Jesus.
Emily let a laugh out and Christopher went red in embarrassment. I furrowed my eyebrows at her.
“I’m sorry,” Emily said to both of us. “I didn’t mean to laugh. I just… so don’t get this God thing.” She sighed.
“And you won’t until you experience it. It’s just something you have to go through to understand,” I said.
I glanced over and saw Fred make eye contact with me from the table across the restaurant. He stood up and put his napkin down on his plate. He began to walk over to our table, and I began to shift in my seat.
“Great… he’s coming over,” I said to Emily.
“Kane! I thought that was you!” Fred said dryly.
“Yep, sure is,” I replied with a respectful nod.
He looked over at Emily and smiled. “Who’s this hottie?”
Emily flashed a smile and grabbed for the dessert catalog on the table.
I jumped up from my seat and stood eye-to-eye with him. I felt an overwhelming desire to hit him in the moment. But I prayed quickly for self-control. Moving away from the table, I said, “That’s my sister back there, man!”
He grinned. “Even better.”
“I know what you are trying to do, and it’s not going to work,” I replied.
He laughed. “Oh yeah? Tell me. How’s the suspension going?”
“Look, I’m sorry about what happened at the Christmas party,” I said.
He stopped smiling. “Why are you bringing that up, Kane?”
“I never said I’m sorry… and I truly am.”
He scoffed. “You can start by apologizing for kissing my girlfriend.”
“I didn’t kiss her. She kissed me. That’s the truth. But I want to apologize for ever letting her get close to me.”
“It’s been a long time, Kane. You don’t have to lie.”
“I know I don’t have to lie. And that’s why you should believe me. I didn’t kiss her.”
He nodded as his lips pursed to form a thin line. “Thank you. But I’m not changing my report.”
I nodded. “I know you won’t change it. That’s not what I’m trying to get from this. I’m just saying sorry for the way it went down.”
His vindictive self didn’t have anything else to say. “Well, I’ll see you around, Kane.” He turned and went back to his table. Watching as he walked back over to his seat, I saw Old Man Smiles grabbing food from a plate someone left, on his way to the bathrooms.
“Is Old Man Smiles homeless?” I asked as I sat back down to the table with Emily and Christopher.
Christopher said, “Yes.”
I waited for him to come back out of the restroom and I got up from the table again. “I’ll be right back.”
Walking across the restaurant, I came up to Old Man Smiles. “Sir?” I said.
He looked up at me and smiled. “Yes? I got lots of places to go and lots of people to see. So if you could step aside, it’d fill me with glee.”
“Could I buy you some food?” I asked, wondering if he was aware that he was rhyming.
He paused and his smile fell away for a moment. “I guess if you want you could. Are you trying to convince yourself that you're good?”
“No. I just want to help.”
“How about a twenty dollar bill instead? I’ll eat elsewhere, and a few of my friends can also be fed.”
I laughed to myself as I pulled out my wallet and handed him a twenty. “Here.”
“Thank you,” he replied. His smile returned and he tipped his top hat as he continued on out of the restaurant.
Returning to my booth, Christopher asked, “Why’d you give him money?”
“He needs it,” I replied.
“You should have just bought him food if you wanted to help. You don’t know what he’ll do with the money,” Emily said.
I nodded. “I offered him food, but he declined and wanted cash so he could help others. He’s a funny guy. Have you ever talked to him?”
“No… but you believed him?” Emily asked.
I shrugged. “It’s not about what he does with the money,
Ems. It’s about doing what I could in the moment. I would have spent about the same on a meal here for him alone.”
“How do you know he won’t just go to the nearest liquor store?” Emily asked. “Rosy has seen that guy in there a ton.”
“He might just go buy booze. I don’t know. But that’s not my worry. God will take care of the details. My responsibility is stepping out in faith.” As the words rolled off my tongue with not even so much of a thought on my end, I knew it was of God and not me. And I marveled in His awesomeness of Spirit and truth.
CHAPTER 13
A light drizzle fell on the morning of my mother’s funeral three days later. I had been staying on Emily’s couch. I wanted to be near the only family I had left until the funeral. Every ounce of me that morning didn’t want to go to the services. I loved my mother dearly, more than any other person on the face of the earth, but the thought of seeing her again, lying in a casket terrified me. A final goodbye to the woman that raised me wasn’t at all what I wanted. I didn’t want a final goodbye. I didn’t want a goodbye at all, but I knew it was what I had to do, no matter how uncomfortable it made me. And I knew God would help me.
“Kane…” Christopher said from behind me as I stared out Emily’s living room window at the rain falling outside.
“Yeah?” I replied softly, but not turning to look at him. I didn’t want him to see the tears that were running down my cheeks.
“Emily’s freaking out in her bedroom again…” he replied.
Turning to him, I wiped the tears from my cheeks and looked him in the eyes. “She’s ‘Mom’ to you.” I looked past him towards the hallway that led back to her room. “I’ll go talk to her.” Looking back at Christopher, I asked, “You okay?”
He nodded. “It’s a little harder today… but I’ll be okay.”
I nodded at him and proceeded through the living room. Walking down the hallway, I could hear the sound of Emily’s cries strengthen as I came closer to her door. Each step I took, my heart felt as if it was twisting more inside my chest until it reached my throat, clenching it tightly.
I pushed open her bedroom door to find her on her knees in a mess. Her mascara was running, her hair was frazzled and pictures of mom were strewn all around her. “What’s going on, Sis?”