by T. K. Chapin
Sitting down on the couch, I set my cell phone down on the coffee table. I still hadn’t powered it back on since the previous night. I picked up my mom’s Bible and let the pages fall open in my hands. Thumbing through the pages was like watching a slide show of colors. My mother had used a variety of colored markers to highlight passages through the Scriptures. Stopping at the book of Galatians, I began to read a portion highlighted in blue. Chapter five, verse sixteen.
16. So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. 17. For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want.
Mulling the scripture over in my mind, I prayed for God’s guidance in the reading.
Show me what your Word means. Reveal the wisdom in the words I have read. Amen.
Lifting my eyes from prayer, I looked back to the Bible. Reading the word ‘flesh’ on the page, I began to analyze my life. Going in reverse, I backed up to the bottle of whiskey, the driving, the skipping town to get away. It was all about me, and I immediately felt convicted and repented right there on my mother’s couch. Tears fell from my eyes, distorting the blue highlighted scripture I had just read. Watching the blue ink drip down the page, I realized my mother was right about faith. I could feel God’s spirit inside of me stirring, pushing its way into my soul. My heartache over the loss of my mother wasn’t leaving, but a new found peace was calming the raging seas.
After an afternoon of praying and getting right with God, I decided to turn on my cell phone. I was ready for the aftermath that was sure to come after my mother’s passing.
Immediately after powering on my phone and gaining reception, the notifications rolled in. Social media posts to me offering condolences, text messages, voicemails, tweets, and even a couple of emails. Everything came through at once. I smiled with tears in my eyes as I saw my friends and loved ones reach out to me. I looked up to God and thanked Him for His help through this and prayed I’d be able to use this time to witness to others.
Checking my voicemail, I listened to the Chief’s message. Cole was exactly right. He was offering his condolences. He also told me to take as much time as I needed to grieve. The Chief recommended two weeks. He was a great guy. They all were at the station. It felt so good to have people that supported me like the brotherhood down at station 9. Sure, the distant relatives and friends online were nice too, but we didn’t have a bond like I did with the guys at the station.
The voicemail was from Emily. She was wondering if I’d come help her break the news to Christopher. Right away, I sensed an opportunity for Christ to show through me in speaking with Christopher about his grandma passing. This will be good, I thought to myself. I stood up to head for the door to leave, but my ankle was still bothering me somewhat.
Roofus raised his head up from the loveseat as I fell back to my prone position on the couch. Looking over at him, I said, “Don’t judge me.”
He lowered his head back down over his paws and closed his eyes.
Pulling up Emily’s name in my contacts, I called her. It went straight to voicemail. Without leaving a message, I hung up. Glancing at the time, I saw it was already after four o’clock. Looking again over at Roofus with his eyes closed, I said, “That’s a good idea.” I adjusted my head into a more comfortable position on the couch and closed my eyes.
CHAPTER 10
Waking the next day on my mother’s couch, I had a moment where I had forgotten about her passing and it felt like she was just in the next room over. That feeling was quickly replaced by grief as reality settled back into my mind. Lying on the couch, I stared blankly at the ceiling above me. Recalling my scripture reading about walking in the spirit, I thought about God. I need God. I closed my eyes and said a prayer for Him to help me in my emotional unrest over my mother.
Suddenly Roofus interrupted my prayer with a slobbery kiss. I leapt up from the couch, half afraid and half surprised.
“Roofus!” I shouted as I wiped my face.
He lowered his head and hid his tail as he backed up from me.
“I’m sorry. You just caught me off guard,” I said, reaching out to pet him. He came closer and I rubbed behind his ears. “Wait… my ankle!” I exclaimed as I circled it around. “It feels fine!” I stood up and looked out the living room window. Picking up my phone off the coffee table, I checked the time. It was ten o’clock. I saw a missed call from Emily. I sighed heavily and looked at Roofus. “Should I call her back?”
He said nothing.
“I think we should… don’t you?”
Nothing again. Instead, Roofus just laid down.
“Okay. I’ll do it. I’ll do it. Don’t have to be a grump about it.” I smiled and sat down on the couch and called her.
“Kane?” she answered her phone.
“Hey, Ems.”
“You at Mom’s? That’s where Cole said you were heading.”
“Yeah. Your voicemail said you need me to come break the news about Mom to Christopher?”
“Yeah. But can you find her will and collect her bills for me? Oh, and don’t forget Kyle’s coin. I haven’t seen that coin in years.”
I glanced down the hallway towards my mother’s room. “Yeah…” my words trailed off.
“I know going in there will be hard… but we need that stuff and you are already there… Could you please?”
My chest tightened and my throat started to feel as if it was clenching. “Yeah. I’ll do it.”
“Thank you. When do you think you can get back to town?”
“I’ll call you after I find her stuff and let you know when I’m heading back. You’re off work today, right?” I asked.
“Yes. I have been working on getting arrangements together with the funeral home all day yesterday and today.”
“Okay. I’ll call you back in a bit.”
“Sounds good.”
“I’m sorry about taking off like that yesterday… I know-”
Emily interrupted me. “I get it. You were upset about Mom, and you just found out about me screwing things up with that girl. You were in a tough spot. I’d go toss a few back myself in the same position. And I did get pretty trashed last night myself.” She laughed.
I felt conviction strike me in the moment like a lightning bolt hitting a tree, splitting it in half. “Ems… Drinking isn’t the solution. God is.”
She laughed. “Rosy at the liquor store said you stopped by last night.”
My jaw clenched in frustration with myself. I was stupid with how I handled things. “I’m done with drinking now.”
“You don’t need to lie to me. I’m your sister. It’s okay, Kane… I understand you feel bad because of God or whatever.”
Truth swept through me in the moment and made me realize my words weren’t going to matter to Emily. Moving forward it was my actions that would show her I’m different. “Okay. I’ll call you in a bit.”
I hung up and prayed.
Forgive me, Father. I have sinned against you. I have dragged your Holy name through the mud and I hope I never do that again. Please, Lord, help me do what you want me to do. Guide my steps.
And Lord, I need your strength as I am about to go into my mom’s room. I don’t think I can do it. And I need you. Please help me. Thank you for being here for me. Amen.
Getting up, I began to walk towards the hallway, but veered at the grumble of my stomach and instead went into the kitchen. I paused for a moment at the refrigerator and looked at a picture of Kyle, Emily and I when we were kids. I smiled as I reminisced for a moment and opened the refrigerator door. Leaning to one side and then the other, I glanced around the fridge to see nothing of interest. A bottle of prune juice, a lemon and an expired bottle of ketchup. Looking past the fridge door at Roofus in the living room, I said, “Did she even eat? Maybe it was hunger that killed her, not cancer…”
Roofus got up and came into the kitche
n. He began nudging his food bowl that sat near the kitchen table.
“Ahh… You’re hungry too.” I went over and into the laundry room that was off the kitchen, near the back door, and grabbed the bag of dog food. Mom had kept it in the same spot all the years of my life. After feeding Roofus, I knew it was time to go to her room.
Walking down the hallway, my heart began to race. I felt so nervous about going into the room I wasn’t allowed to enter growing up. Then, I opened the door and peeked inside. Her bed was made, her clothes still hanging in the closet. It looked as if she never left. With my nerves settling, I went in and sat down in the chair at the desk in her room. I began opening drawers and searching. I needed to find the will, her bills and my brother’s coin. I managed to find all her bills, but I hadn’t found the will or coin yet. With only one drawer left, I opened it. A white envelope simply titled, “Will” sat in the otherwise empty drawer. It was in my mother’s cursive handwriting and seeing it, I felt a twinge of sadness. Opening up the envelope, I fished out the paper inside and read it as I sat back in the worn wooden chair. The last living testament of my mother laid between my palms. It covered everything from her books on the bookshelf in the front room to the Oldsmobile out in the driveway. She had it all organized and listed perfectly. Everything was accounted for and assigned out to Emily and me. My mother’s impeccable taste for detail was part of who she was.
Glancing around the desk once more, I came to the conclusion that the coin was gone forever. Getting up, I went into the living room and called Emily back.
“Hey,” I said as I fetched Roofus’ leash from the hook near the door.
“Hey. You find it all?”
“Yep. Well, not the coin.”
She sighed. “Well, I kind of figured we wouldn’t find the coin. But did she end up keeping the life insurance policy?” Emily asked.
Glancing at the will in my hands, I nodded. “Yep.” Checking the date, I continued, “She wrote this in January of last year. Two months after she talked about possibly getting rid of it. So you shouldn’t have to worry about those nasty student loans anymore…”
“Okay. Kane…?” she said, her words strained.
Bending a knee, I set the bills and will on the coffee table to latch Roofus’ leash to his collar. “What?”
“I love you… and I want to clear the air about what happened with Kristen. I’m sorry about it. It wasn’t right of me.”
Standing up and heading towards the front door with Roofus, I said, “I think you might have done me a favor with that one, honestly. She was so rude to me the other day.”
“Well, regardless, I don’t want to overstep.”
“I appreciate that,” I replied, shutting the door behind me.
“Are you heading back to Spokane?” she asked.
“Yeah,” I replied. “Just need to stop and get some grub on the way.”
“Okay. See you soon.”
I hung up with Emily and gave my mother’s house one more look from out in the driveway. “We had some good memories here, didn’t we, boy?” I asked Roofus as he stood by my side looking back into the house.
He looked up at me and yawned. His breath made me wince a little as we got into my car.
Setting down the burrito I got from the hot case, I looked at the cashier behind the register.
“This going to be it?” the older gentleman asked.
I nodded.
“$4.67,” he said, adjusting the toothpick between his teeth.
I looked at the burrito with a lowered eyebrow as I pulled my wallet out of my back pocket. Highway robbery, I thought to myself as I gave him my debit card. “That’s a spendy burrito. Worth the money?”
He took my card and shook his head. “Nah… but it’s the only place to get a bite for quite a while. So it’s the best you can find.”
I nodded. “Oh, joy.” Taking my card back, I thanked him. Walking outside with my burrito, I spotted Kristen pumping gas at one of the pumps. I lowered my head and tried to hurry to my car parked alongside the gas station.
“Kane?” she asked before I could get around the corner of the building.
I took a deep breath and turned around. Forcing a smile, I said, surprised, “Kristen?”
“What are you doing up here?” she asked.
“Just grabbing some food before I head back to Spokane.”
“I see… Do you know people up here?” she asked.
I nodded. And then shook my head. “Kind of… my mother.”
“Kind of?”
“I… well… my mom. She just passed away…”
She gasped. “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry…” She reached out and touched the side of my arm.
Confusion set into my mind by her soft and kind way about her and caused me to take a step back. “Why are you acting like you aren’t mad at me now?”
She looked out towards the highway and hung her head as a breeze pushed her blonde curls in the wind. “I was upset the other day. I was really into you and then I got blindsided by this crazy past of yours.”
“You can’t hold what I’ve done against me… That’s not right. Besides you have a son, so I am sure your past isn’t perfect either!”
“I know…” she said, stepping closer to me. “I just don’t want to get hurt again… I’m scared, Kane. I lost Blake’s dad to him returning to the same type of past you have… But I know that’s not fair to you.”
I nodded. Looking at her car, I asked, “One person can’t ruin life for us all, right?”
She nodded.
“Anyway… What are you doing up this direction?”
“I’m visiting my dad. He’s the pastor over at the church in town.”
“Cool. You just have a family full of churchgoers, eh?”
She laughed. “Yeah. Faith has been a pretty important part of my family.”
“That’s neat,” I replied, smiling. My stomach made a grumble and I said, “I better get on the road and get this food in my belly.”
She smiled. “Alright. See you around?”
I nodded. “Sure, I’d like that.”
I couldn’t keep the smile off my face after seeing Kristen. She had that effect on me. There was still a lot in the way of an ‘us,’ but I was a little more hopeful now that we’ve settled that our pasts don’t define us.
Roofus barked as I made my way to my car, jolting me out of my thoughts.
Opening my car door for him to jump in, I said, “Come on, boy. Let’s go see Ems.”
CHAPTER 11
Pulling up to Emily’s house, I saw Christopher sitting on the porch with his eyes glued to his phone. Roofus stuck his head between the seats from the back and I asked him, “You want to see Emily and Christopher?” His tail began wagging, and I smiled. “Okay. I gotta talk to Christopher with Emily first and then I will come get you. But first, you gotta lay down.” He curled up on the back seat and lay prone. “Good boy!” Opening the car door, I saw Christopher look up at me for a moment.
“Hey, Uncle Kane,” he said from the steps. I kept my window down and left Roofus behind in the car. Emily and I wanted to ease Christopher into the reality of his grandma passing. Seeing Roofus would be an immediate giveaway to what had happened.
“How’s it going?” I asked, coming around the front of my car. Looking up the sidewalk to my right, I saw Old Man Smiles coming our direction. He smiled and waved to me. I waved back.
“Good. Just trying to beat this level,” Christopher replied, not looking up from his phone. I nodded and looked his direction as I continued up the path to the house.
“Cool,” I replied.
“What’s going on? What are you doing here?” Christopher asked, stopping his game and putting his phone in his pocket. He spotted my mother’s bills in my hand.
I felt kind of stuck in the situation, but luckily Emily opened the front door just then. “Kane,” she said with a relieved sigh. “Come on in. You too, Christopher.”
As we walked inside, Chris
topher went down the hall headed for the restroom. “How’d you manage to keep it from him?” I asked.
Emily glanced down the hallway and waited for the bathroom door to shut. Then, she looked back at me. In a whisper, she said, “I kept cooped up in my room, and said I was sick.”
“Oh, I see.” I sat down on the couch, and Emily joined me. Handing her the bills and will, I said, “That should be it. There’s her utilities and a few other bills. Not a whole lot.”
Emily nodded. “Mother was pretty conservative.”
“I never got the whole ‘no T.V.’ thing,” I replied.
“It’s of the devil!” Emily laughed with a mocking tone.
I grinned. “Don’t mock her, Ems. You know there are some bad shows out there.”
“Yeah, sure. But I think she just didn’t want the extra expense.”
I nodded in agreement.
Christopher came walking out from the hallway and looked over my shoulder through the living room window. “What’s Roofus doing here?” he asked, his voice slightly worried.
“We need to talk,” Emily said, standing up.
“Have a seat on the recliner,” I said, nodding over to the chair.
“You guys are freaking me out… it’s grandma, isn’t it?” Christopher asked as he sat down.
Emily nodded and began crying into her hands as she sat back down on the couch. I placed a hand on her back to comfort her. Wiping her tears away, she looked up at Christopher. “I just want you to be okay, Christopher. I know how much she meant to you.”
“I honestly didn’t see her very often, Mom.”
Emily tilted her head and shook it. “So? Why does that matter?”
He shrugged. “I just don’t have a huge attachment to her. I know I got a little freaky the other day, but Kane and I talked it out the other day. She’s going to heaven.”
Emily shook her head and narrowed her eyes over at me. “How dare you,” she said as she stood up and stormed out of the room and down the hallway.