Moments of Time

by Gloria Cook

  Polly said she would think about it. Emilia noticed how Tristan had glanced down at mention of his dead wife’s child.

  ‘You look stunning, darling. Gorgeous. You always do.’ Alec’s voice was low and husky, he was unaware there had been any other subject but Emilia’s appearance. He could not remember if he had complimented her tonight. She was a pagan creature, enthralling and divine in a sleek beaded dress, complemented by some of the jewels he had given her.

  ‘Simply captivating,’ Perry whispered to Emilia alone, and he gently grazed a trail up her arm with a stealthy forefinger.

  When Emilia smiled and said, ‘Thank you, darling,’ she wasn’t sure to whom she was replying.

  Forgetting Louisa Hetherton-Andrews, Tristan had reason to be enjoying the evening. ‘I must say, Em, that you and Alec are doing wonders with Jonny. He’s much quieter and more polite. Wanted to know all about the shop, didn’t he, Winnie? You must all come over and see it when it’s up and running. Everyone’s invited.’ He cast his soft grey eyes over the whole gathering.

  ‘I’d like to do that,’ Perry said blatantly to Emilia. ‘We could take Libby and the boys.’

  Ben had been grasping Brooke increasingly tighter round the waist. There was a strange, almost foreboding atmosphere here. He caught Selina’s attention. She stared back from her striking unearthly eyes as if amused, and then her gaze grew cold. Through his informal politeness to her and his affection towards Brooke he had made it plain he was no longer interested in her. She had seemed not to care, but perhaps she really did. Recalling her unfeeling games with him, he felt a shudder ride up his back.

  He said, ‘You must all come over to us for dinner next.’

  ‘Oh, yes, please do,’ Brooke echoed, but like Ben she was hoping the Boswelds would decline. She had loathed Selina at first sight. She reminded her of a prairie cat, predatory and merciless to domestic stock and lesser prey. You’re dangerous somehow, she thought.

  Selina saw that Reggie was about to pounce on her. She rose and tapped Emilia on the shoulder. ‘Could I have a drink of ice-cold water, please? I’ll come with you to the kitchen.’ When she and Emilia were at the door she called through the hubbub of conversation to Alec. ‘Your dairymaid has such a sweet voice. Couldn’t you persuade her to sing for us tonight?’

  Alec looked up from the gramophone. ‘I’ll find her and ask but I won’t insist. Her free time’s her own.’

  In the warm, empty kitchen, Selina sipped from a tall glass. ‘You do realize the Hetherton woman has got designs on Alec, don’t you?’

  Emilia’s eyes widened. ‘That’s a ridiculous idea.’ She fell silent. It was not an unthinkable notion. There was no reason why another woman, a whole drove of them, should not find Alec desirable. She didn’t want to think about the possibility that Alec might find other women attractive, not now, while knowing, with guilt and a heady excitement, that if it was Perry who was here with her now and if he tried to hold her and kiss her she would almost certainly respond with enthusiasm. How could that be? She loved Alec and did not doubt his love for her. To hide her bewilderment, and, because Selina, the troublemaking witch, was boring her beautiful knowing eyes into her, she retaliated, ‘How did you end it with Jim? He’s so miserable. You’ve led the poor boy a cruel dance.’

  ‘Don’t worry about Jim. We all have to go through the bittersweet experience of having our hearts broken for the first time.’

  ‘I don’t believe that’s ever happened to you.’

  Selina made a wry face. ‘Oh, I’ve upset you, Emilia. Forgive me, and let me tell you that you’ve no need to worry about Alec. He’d never stray with someone like Polly Hetherton. He relates to those who are vulnerable. It’s why he’s so close to his motherless nephew, Jonny. And Tristan, whose wife betrayed him and who suffered in the war. I bet he was wonderful with Ben when he was growing up but the minute Ben became confident, and was looking forward to becoming an army officer and making his own way in the world, the two of them lost any special closeness. Alec probably never realized it, but I’m sure he resented it. Am I right?’

  Emilia nodded thoughtfully. ‘I never realized it myself until now, why there was a gradual friction between them.’

  ‘And you, Emilia, you’re a strong woman and you always will be, but I bet you had something worrying you when Alec first wanted you.’

  Emilia’s mind went back in time, to the struggles of the war and shortage of labour on the farm, her worries for Billy’s safety. ‘It seems you know how people think, Selina.’

  ‘I’ve always studied the human condition,’ Selina smiled, thrilled and delighted to be getting a little adulation from Emilia. ‘You think me rather a bitch, don’t you?’

  ‘Sometimes. It would be good to see your nicer ways more often. Are you unhappy?’

  Selina reached forward and stroked her hand. ‘Yes. Quite often I am, Emilia. Do you know, it’s good to have someone in which to confide. The thing is that I get so very angry at all the opportunities and rewards there are for men and not for women. When I was a little girl I would lay awake for hours and wish and wish I’d turn into a boy. Well, I’ve never been one to mope and I’m thinking of changing my whole way of life to train as a doctor. I haven’t even told Perry yet.’

  ‘Will he approve?’

  ‘Oh, yes. Perry’s the most understanding man in the world. I suppose we ought to get back to him and your other guests. Thank you for listening to me, Emilia, and I’d like you to know that if you ever need anyone to confide in you can always turn to me. You and I should go shopping together or something. Or take a long walk, yes, I think I’d like that better. Somewhere quiet and private, and away from our busy lives. Come along then.’

  Emilia allowed herself to be ushered out of her own kitchen. ‘Selina, could you be careful about some of the remarks you make.’

  ‘Such as, my dear?’

  With an effort Emilia stopped herself turning a culpable red. ‘Well, the things you said about me and Perry could be misconstrued.’

  ‘Oh, I see what you mean.’ Selina dropped her voice to a tone that carried soft consideration in it. She slipped an arm round Emilia’s waist. ‘Anything you say, my dear.’

  * * *

  Sara was lying on her bed in the partitioned space that was her room up in the attics. There was only enough floor area for the single bed, a small wardrobe, a washstand and a solid old chair, but it was her own private realm, and Mrs Em had ensured she had soft bedding, gaily patterned cushions with matching curtains at the tiny window. Carpet was on the floorboards and a floral china chamber pot was under the bed. There were pictures of children playing in meadows on the boarded walls and an embroidered Bible text Sara had made in the workhouse; the only thing left of her childhood, except for odd moments of insecurity when she felt worthless.

  Finding no pleasure in her comforts, Sara had her head stuffed against the pillows and she was weeping bitter tears, never more miserable in her life. She had spent the day preparing, with Tilda, Mrs Rowse and Mrs Em, the food for the dinner party. Then she had helped wait on the table and afterwards wash and dry the mountain of dishes. And all the time Alec had looked so handsome, her dream, her fantasy, with all those beautiful, fashionably dressed ladies, not noticing she existed, except for a touch of fatherly kindness when he had thanked her for all her hard work and pressed two shillings into her hand.

  ‘It was my pleasure, Alec.’ That’s what she had said, instead of, ‘When will you share a meal with me? Dance with me? Touch me? Kiss me? Show me how to give you pleasure?’ She knew nothing about the pleasures he was used to. She wanted him to introduce them to her, do them with her. At times her longing for him made her body burn in its secret little place. Oh, Alec, why don’t you notice me? I wish I was dead.

  ‘Sara? Sara, sweetheart, what is it?’

  Now she was imagining his voice.

  There was a gentle touch on her back and she jerked her face to look up. He was there! Come to relieve her of her
misery. Come like a prince. A lover. A hero. He had come to rescue her and to take her away and to be hers for ever more. Oh, no, he was looking at her in that fatherly way, as usual. She sobbed even more bitterly and covered her face with her hands.

  ‘I did knock but when I heard you crying, I came in. My dear, tell me what’s upsetting you?’ His warm rough hands, made wonderfully brown by the sun and wind, were tugging on hers, bringing her out of her concealment.

  ‘Sara, do you want me to fetch Tilda or Emilia?’ He was thinking she might be suffering the distinctly feminine thing.

  ‘N-no,’ she gulped. ‘It-it’s nothing.’

  ‘It has to be something. Have you hurt yourself? There’s a bruise on your wrist.’

  ‘Oh that?’ She sat up, gathering her strength, for his sudden presence was making her feel wobbly all over. She could not find a hanky so he handed over his. She dried her eyes with it. ‘It’s nothing. I’m…’ He was leaning forward, smiling right into her eyes, and she had to think of a reason to keep him here, to claim a little bit of him. ‘I’m worried about Jim.’

  ‘Are you sure that’s all it is?’

  ‘Yes. I can’t get through to him. He’s so unhappy, so angry with everyone. He was even rude to Miss Bosweld this evening.’

  ‘Well, she’s the sort to take anything in her stride, so don’t you worry about that particular instance, my love,’ Alec sighed. He had tried to talk to Jim again and again, something warning him not to mention Selina Bosweld’s name on each occasion, but Jim had refused to listen to comfort or advice and had even sworn at him. ‘But of course, it’s worse for you.’

  ‘He’s never spoken about the girl that broke his heart and he gets angry when I try. He’s so bitter about it.’

  ‘Did he do this to you?’ Alec encircled her forearm so he could view her wrist.

  Sara nodded. Then, with a daring born out of the longing to hold on to him, she pushed her dress down off her shoulder. ‘And this. He said he was going down the pub to get drunk and when I tried to stop him he squeezed me here.’

  Alec stared, appalled, at the imprint of a large hand left on her otherwise flawless skin. Crouching, he took both her hands into his. ‘I can’t allow Jim to carry on the way he is, you know that, don’t you? And I certainly won’t have him upsetting you like this, Sara. Don’t worry, I’ll sort this out somehow. Now, my dear -’ and his grip on her hands tightened and she pressed back on his, hardly breathing, her heart thundering like the stormiest waves on the wildest sea – ‘can I encourage you to take a few minutes to compose yourself then to come downstairs and sing for us? Your wonderful voice is highly sought after, you know.’

  She would do anything for him. If only she could tell him so. ‘Well, yes, but…’

  ‘But what?’

  He smiled in a way that sent her soul shooting up to the heavens. ‘But I haven’t really got anything to wear. Only my best dress but it’s too plain and I’ve no shoes with heels.’

  ‘What?’ He was puzzled for a moment. ‘Oh, I see, I quite forget you’re a woman now. Of course, it’s important for you to look your best. Let me think. Yes, that’s it. How about you come with me and choose something of Emilia’s? She’ll be glad to lend you anything that takes your fancy.’

  He led the way down the short flight of stairs, then through the older part of the house and into the Victorian extension where the bedrooms were fine and grandly furnished. He tapped the bathroom door; the room inside was larger than Sara’s and done out in exquisite porcelain and highly polished brass. ‘Change in here, take your time, but first come with me. I’ve thought of the very thing you’d look lovely in.’

  Lovely, he thinks I can look lovely.

  Sara waited in his bedroom, her arms twisted together in a state of bliss and anticipation while he searched through her mistress’s wardrobe until he laid a filmy ice-blue creation over the bed. She let out an excited breath. She had only worn frumpy plain or pale colours or girlish floral patterns before. The evening dress was delicately feminine, with diamante swirls all the way down from the low neckline to the short hemline. It must have cost a fortune.

  ‘Are you sure Mrs Em won’t mind? She’s only worn it once.’

  ‘No, she’ll be pleased to lend it to you. It will match your eyes. Now, you’re not to sing without payment tonight, Sara. I’m going to start off a collection for you and you’ll deserve every penny. Take this to begin with.’

  She was gazing at him, not really taking in his words, and she felt him press something cylindrical into her hand. ‘What is it?’

  ‘Just a little something so you can buy some new clothes. Go to a proper dress shop and kit yourself out properly. I’ll tell the others you’ll be down in a little while.’

  Her tender mouth sagged open. He must have given her at least five pounds. ‘Thanks, Alec. You’re so good and kind.’

  ‘You’re part of my family, Sara.’ He kissed her cheek and left.

  She lifted her middle fingertip to that hallowed spot. It was some moments before she recovered enough wits to make herself ready to follow him downstairs.

  * * *

  ‘That was a lovely thing that you did for Sara. The little concert she gave rounded off the evening.’ Emilia was in bed, waiting for Alec to get in with her so she could turn off the last lantern. ‘Is Jim back yet?’

  ‘Yes, the constable brought him home. He was causing a disturbance at the pub and smashed some glasses. I’ve ordered the boy to see me in the den first thing in the morning.’

  Emilia chewed her lip. ‘Poor Jim. I was hoping he’d feel better about himself after the Reverend Rawley’s visit to thank him again for his help over Elena’s accident. Hope he’ll listen to you this time. We must think of something to take his mind off his misery.’

  ‘No, we mustn’t. Jim’s got to learn to grow up. There’s no use in him running away from his problems. It’s time he got the Bosweld woman out of his head. I shall confine him to the yard for as long as I see fit. And why should he get special consideration and not Sara? She’s perfectly obedient, an asset to us, it wouldn’t be fair on that sweet soul.’

  Alec had put on his pyjamas. Normally a scintillating evening – and the occasion had been lifted for him by Polly’s sparkling company and Sara’s delightful singing – would leave him in the mood for making love, but he wanted only to go straight to sleep. He was tired. Strange for him – he being in the habit of thriving on only four to six hours of rest at night, when his endless mulling and considering usually made him rise in the small hours. For some strange reason he was suddenly bone-weary tonight.

  In the dark, Emilia moved towards him and he wrapped her in, as he always did, close to his body. She was relieved he did not seek to make love. Not so soon after having Perry in the house. Not after she had contrived to sit next to him while Sara had sung.

  She sensed Alec’s tiredness. He had an early start, the next stage of the haymaking ahead, loading the pooks on to the wains and building the ricks in the mowhay, but she felt compelled to talk to him. To keep her mind safely off someone else. ‘I’m so pleased you and Ben have made up. He’s thinking of holding a barn dance.’

  ‘Oh? When?’

  ‘Sometime later in the year, perhaps after the harvesting, he said.’

  ‘Good idea.’

  ‘Alec?’

  ‘Mmmm?’

  ‘You know I love you, don’t you?’

  ‘Of course, darling. I love you.’

  Long after Alec fell into the deep rhythm of dreamless sleep, she lay enfolded in his arms, telling him in whispers that she loved him and no one else. But the image of Perry’s handsome smiling face was with her throughout, refusing to shift from inside her head. She ran her hands over Alec’s strong slumbering frame, thought about waking him and making love to him. But it wouldn’t be fair – not because he needed to sleep; it just wasn’t right to take advantage of him even in a way that would delight him, to rid herself of the guilt of having eagerly given an
d received intimate attention from another man.

  She must keep far away from Perry from now on. Refuse to speak to him unless it was absolutely necessary, and then only when they were not alone. Hours passed in which she instructed herself, aggressively, on what she must and mustn’t do to stay true to Alec. But what if she failed in these resolves?

  Really afraid for the future, she clung to Alec, clung so tight. When he awoke, soon after she had finally closed her eyes and sunk into a fitful sleep, she awoke too and wouldn’t let him go for some time.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Emilia was on her knees tending Jenna’s grave. Her baby would rest alone in a new Harvey plot, until joined by the next family member. For now the small granite headstone declared who Jenna had been and whom she had belonged to for such a short time. It was long after Emilia had relinquished the last white lily and the bunch of forget-me-nots Tom had picked, that she said a reluctant goodbye.

  Someone was there, a walking stick in one hand, holding out the other to help her up. ‘Hello, Em. I went to the farm, Tilda told me where you were. I hope you don’t mind. I haven’t seen you alone for a while and it’s getting more difficult now Selina’s forging a friendship with you. I was hoping you might like some company on the way home.’

  ‘Hello, Perry.’ She rose without his aid. ‘I don’t mind you coming here. You’ve got the right to remember my little girl. I’ve been trying to imagine her smiling. Jenna would have had a beautiful smile.’

  ‘Yes, she would have, very beautiful. Are you all right, Em?’