Letting Go (Healing Hearts)

by Michelle Sutton

  The moment Joey saw him, his wailing turned into a gut-wrenching plea. “Daddy, up! Daddy, up!”

  Joey tried to squirm out of his mother’s arms, fighting her with all his strength. She finally relented with a scowl and set him down.

  Joey toddled toward him so fast that he stumbled. Dave caught him before he could skin his chin, scooping his little boy up into the air. Holding Joey above him, he rested the boy’s tummy on the top of his head and shook it. Joey gave the sweetest belly laugh Dave had ever heard.

  Joey’s birth mother crossed her arms over her chest, pouting. “You think you’re so great just because you drive a Beamer? Well, that doesn’t mean squat to me. I’m his mother and if you think I’m giving up easily, you’ve got another think coming. He’s my son and I will get him back.” She stormed off, slamming the door behind her.

  “What did I do? What’s going on with her?” Dave asked.

  Mrs. Vela heaved a sigh. “I’m sorry, Mr. Passel, but from now on I’ll have to take Joey alone. She doesn’t want you coming along. She thinks he’ll do better if you aren’t around, and I have to agree with her. I’ll call before I come over to get him next week.”

  “But what about what’s best for Joey?”

  “Oh, I’m glad you mentioned that. She doesn’t want you calling him Joey anymore. She’s legally changing his name to Jack as soon as she can amend the birth certificate.”

  Dave froze. Sheer terror pumped through his veins.

  God is in control.

  He hoped repeating the phrase would give him the strength to endure. Oh, God, please tell me You know what You’re doing. I’ve never been so scared in my life. I don’t want to give Joey up. Please don’t make me.

  Chapter 10

  Diane stood in the foyer near the front door of Rachel’s home. “Thanks for inviting me over for Christmas dinner. I really appreciate all you’ve done for me.”

  “Hey, if I was recovering from surgery I’d want a maid to come clean my house. I would have done it myself, but since I’m about to have a baby I didn’t want to do anything to make me go into labor early.” Rachel laughed and patted her tummy.

  Diane didn’t sense the usual harsh sting of jealousy when she thought about Rachel having a baby when Diane never would. Rachel deserved to be happy. She was such a good person.

  Unlike me.

  “Still, it was very thoughtful of you.”

  “Not a problem. Now don’t forget the invitation to our house for New Year’s Eve. I don’t want you at home watching the ball drop in Times Square all by yourself when you can get together with friends to ring in the New Year.”

  Rachel’s arms wrapped her in a warm hug. The baby in Rachel’s tummy nudged her, making them both giggle.

  Diane stepped back and clutched her abdomen. “Ouch. It hurts to laugh.”

  Rachel grinned. “Sorry. I’ll try not to amuse you until you’re feeling less sore. So are you planning on coming?”

  “I’ll definitely think about it.”

  Diane smiled, pleased at the invitation, but a bit reluctant to join the party. She didn’t want to impose on them because they felt obligated to befriend her. Memories of former holiday parties with her parents zipped through her mind. Her father ogling, touching her, lingering near.

  Can I have this dance? Ah, look at you. So beautiful.

  A shiver coursed through her, and she glanced at the floor for a moment to catch her breath. The frequent, unbidden flashbacks were starting to scare her.

  “Are you cold? Do you need a jacket?” Rachel asked, wide-eyed with concern.

  “No. I just remembered . . . something. I’ll be fine. I’ll call you and let you know if I can’t come. I’m still a bit sore, but I’ll try to make it.”

  “Want to tell me what’s bothering you? Is it related to your surgery?”

  “Everything about my surgery still bothers me, but no, that’s not it.”

  “If you need to talk, I’m willing to listen.”

  “No offense, Rachel, but I don’t think you’d understand.”

  Rachel cocked her head. “Try me.”

  Seeing the concern in her friend’s eyes, Diane said, “Okay, but don’t freak out on me. I’ve been remembering bits and pieces of my past. Most of my childhood memories are fuzzy and there are things I can’t remember. But lately I’ve had these weird thoughts and different memories keep entering my mind. None of them good.”

  She stopped, surprised by her frank response. She never told people personal things about herself, and now she was baring her soul to Katia and Rachel, both nice women, but people she was still getting to know.

  “You mean kind of like flashbacks?”

  “I suppose that’s what they are, but I hear the voices. I don’t see anything.”

  “What kinds of memories are they?”

  “Mostly memories of pageants and parties, and of my dad. I keep hearing his voice in my mind saying things he told me when I was a child. It’s creepy, actually.”

  “Do you miss him?”

  Diane frowned and tossed away the notion with a flick of her wrist. “No. Are you kidding me?”

  “Are you having trouble forgiving him for whatever he did to you?”

  “Forgive him for what he did? I’ll never forgive him.”

  Rachel touched Diane’s arm. “Oh, Diane. That’s so sad. If you don’t find a way to forgive him, you’ll only hurt yourself more. It will eat you up inside.”

  Diane stared into Rachel’s eyes, so full of compassion. Maybe Rachel really did understand. She had also been hurt and abused by men in the past.

  Diane’s mouth went dry, and she took a gulp of air. “I don’t want to talk about my father.”

  “Sure. I understand.”

  Diane reached for the door. “I better get going.”

  Rachel called after her as she closed the door. “I’ll be expecting you at the party if you don’t call me.”

  Diane responded with a limp wave and continued down the walk.

  * * *

  The week flew by. The next thing she knew, Diane stood on Rachel’s front porch for the New Year’s Eve party. She wore her favorite fur coat over an iridescent gold and green cocktail dress that matched the color of her eyes. The satin gown had a plunging neckline and transparent long sleeves. It barely touched the floor and hugged her curves in the most figure-flattering places, but it also drew attention to the eight extra pounds she’d gained since her surgery. She ran her hand over her stomach as she rang the bell.

  Rachel’s husband, Scott, answered the door. “Diane, we’re happy you decided to come. You look gorgeous. Here, let me take your jacket.”

  He helped her out of her coat and hung it in the closet. “Make yourself at home.”

  Diane scoured the room for familiar faces. She saw several ladies from the women’s group who had visited her at the hospital sitting in the formal dining room. They smiled and waved.

  Rachel stood in the corner by the fireplace in a stunning emerald-green velour gown that flattered her in spite of her huge abdomen. On her way to greet Rachel, Diane found her path blocked by a caterer offering appetizers, which she politely declined.

  “Diane! I’m so glad you came.” Rachel enveloped her in a hug. Diane loved how Rachel always welcomed her as if it was a special event. “Here, let me introduce you to some of my friends.”

  Diane followed Rachel around and accepted numerous handshakes. Some of the men followed her with their eyes or held her hand a bit longer than necessary. For her entire life she’d had male admirers, so she was used to the attention. But now that she could never have a child of her own, the appreciative stares annoyed more than flattered her. They reminded her of her inadequacy, of how she’d never be whole.

  She pushed the depressing thoughts from her mind, determined to dwell on the positive. She refused to ring in the New Year with sadness. This year she intended to enjoy herself, even sober and without a date.

  She caught an occasional smile
from an eligible-looking bachelor and even a few men who had dates hanging on their arm. None of the available men stirred her blood, but she made polite conversation anyway.

  The night dragged on. She stood against a wall in the living room, clicking her freshly manicured nails on her empty crystal goblet. A few minutes before the Times Square ball was due to drop, a young man caught her attention. He looked vaguely familiar, and his eyes brightened as if he recognized her.

  It was the young man from the hospital psychiatric ward. The intern she had flirted with so shamelessly.

  Her breath caught as he smiled flirtatiously and headed toward her. She slipped into the next room, hoping to hide from him in the crowd.

  “Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one . . . Happy New Year!” everyone shouted in unison. Men grabbed their dates and gave them enthusiastic kisses.

  Diane glanced around the room. The intern was nowhere in sight. With a sigh, she watched as lovers kissed. A pit-sized lump clogged her throat. She felt lost and very awkward without a date. She always had a date. Why had she come alone?

  Turning, she found two admiring men standing behind her, one in a tuxedo and another dressed in an ordinary suit. Neither spoke to her or made a move. Though she found neither attractive, she thought about announcing that she didn’t bite, just to be funny. But for once she couldn’t muster the courage to speak her mind.

  Someone wearing a bit too much cologne grabbed her arm. She gasped. Turning, she came face to face with the intern.

  His gaze lingered on her dress, and he chuckled. “Fancy meeting you here, gorgeous.” His voice was low and husky, and his gaze locked on her lips.

  She stiffened and tried to pull free. He had seen her at her absolute worst, and she was overcome with embarrassment. Swallowing hard, she stared into his eyes as his mouth hovered dangerously close to her lips.

  “How about finishing what you started, honey, and give me a New Year’s kiss,” he murmured.

  “Excuse me.” Rachel tugged on Diane’s sleeve.

  Diane exhaled. “I’ve gotta go.”

  “Wait, Diane. I was kidding. I just want to talk.”

  She refused to look back and pushed through the crowd on Rachel’s heels. When they entered the hallway Rachel turned around.

  “I noticed that Rob’s been watching you for a while so I thought I’d better interrupt. He’s a slippery guy and has a bit of a reputation for coming on to the ladies. My understanding is he’s engaged to be married, but his fiancée is at home with the flu.”

  Nausea swept over Diane, and she stepped back. Not again.

  “Are you okay?”

  Diane shook her head and raked her fingers through her hair, pulling her bangs away from her face.

  Rachel leaned into Diane’s line of vision. “I only broke in because you looked really uncomfortable with him.”

  “I can protect myself.”

  Rachel offered a weak grin. “I’m sure you can. I just thought I’d help.”

  Diane raised one eyebrow. “Next time please ask me first.”

  Rachel’s forehead pulled into a slight frown. “Are you mad that I interrupted you?”

  Diane shook her head and smirked. “No, not really. You’re right. I didn’t want to talk to him.” Rubbing her forehead, she sighed. “I’m sorry if I sounded ungrateful. I don’t mean to be so touchy.”

  “That’s okay. If you ever want the scoop on any of the single guys that work at the hospital, just ask me and I’ll see what I can find out for you.” Rachel winked.

  Diane bit her lower lip. Rachel’s comment brought an ache to her heart, and she didn’t even know why. She blinked tears away.

  “I’m not looking for anyone.”

  Rachel cringed and shifted on her feet. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to imply . . . ”

  Diane cleared her throat so her voice wouldn’t shake. “Don’t worry about it.” She looked toward the front door. “I think I’m going to head on home. I’m tired.”

  “Sure. Thanks for coming, Diane. I’m glad you were able to join us.”

  Diane nodded and cast her gaze down as she hurried toward the front door. On her way to get her coat she stumbled into a man in a black suit holding a young boy with rosy cheeks.

  “I’m so sorry.” As she pushed away from him, the clean scent of his soap grabbed her senses. A surge of warmth shot through her.

  She caught his gaze and lost her voice. Gorgeous, warm honey-brown eyes stared back at her, flashing with amusement. A broad grin spread over his ruggedly handsome face.

  “It’s no biggie, eh, son?” He winked at Diane, and then gazed with obvious adoration at the child in his arms.

  His little boy’s eyes drooped, and his head bobbed. Resting on his father’s shoulder, the toddler burrowed into him, tenaciously sucking on his thumb.

  She didn’t remember seeing any other kids other than Rachel’s son. So where had this man come from?

  She opened her mouth to introduce herself, but the sight of his tender exchange with his son brought fresh tears to her eyes. She turned and headed for the closet to retrieve her coat, feeling more alone than ever.

  * * *

  Diane woke up with a slight headache, dreading her first day back to work. She had been up half the night waiting for Rachel’s baby to be born. Warmth spread through her, and a smile tugged at her lips at the memory of seeing the newborn babe. As much as it had pained her to see the child still fresh from her mother’s womb, joy for her friend lit inside Diane and replaced the ache.

  But this morning the light had dimmed again. Since the New Years’ Eve party, Diane had focused on getting back into her routine. She determined to put her energy into her career to give meaning to her life since she would never have a family of her own. Not surprisingly, she hadn’t heard from her mother in nearly a month.

  She spent most of her free time with Rachel and Katia. Their sincere friendship had introduced Diane to an unconditional love that warmed her down to her very toes. For the first time in her life she had friends who didn’t have any ulterior motives.

  She belonged.

  Brushing her long blonde hair in front of the mirror, Diane saw the joy sparkling from her tired eyes. Or maybe it was the tears welling up that shone. More of God’s love was expressed through her friends’ actions than she could get from a hundred sermons, and a sudden thirst for God awakened within her. She craved the joy she saw in their lives and determined to search until she found what Katia and Rachel had—but on her own terms.

  * * *

  Later that day after Diane returned from lunch, Jeanine, her receptionist, buzzed the phone intercom. “Your two o’clock is here.”

  “Send him in.” Flipping her straight, silky bangs off her face, she glanced up as the client entered, and her breath caught. Her cheeks heated as the handsome man from the New Year’s Eve party stared back at her, looking even more gorgeous in jeans and a black T-shirt. But this time he held no child in his arms.

  “I hope you can take one more client.” He held out his large hand. “I’m Dave Passel. I hear you’re the best attorney around for my type of case.”

  She grinned and accepted his hand. “Flattery will get you everywhere, Dave.”

  “Good. Because I need all the help I can get.”

  Flushing at the strength of his grip, she introduced herself. “Diane Simmons. So who is this person who lied and told you I’m a good attorney?”

  He laughed. “Katia. And she didn’t say you were good. She said you were the very best.”

  Diane raised one eyebrow. “How do you know her?”

  “We’ve been going to the same church for over a year but just met a few weeks ago. Actually, I met her fiancé first. We started talking about my situation, and here I am.”

  So Katia barely knows him. That’s good.

  “Are you a doctor? Is that how you know Ken?”

  “We're friends, yes. But I'm not a doctor. I own a consulting firm and work mainly
out of my home.”

  “Sounds interesting. What can I do for you?” She motioned for him to sit in one of the chairs in front of her desk and went to take her seat behind it.

  “It’s a custody situation. I have a son—well, he’s not legally my son yet, but I’ve had him since he was eight months old. He’s not quite two and a half and I’m the only family he knows. His mother’s rights should have been terminated at least six months ago.”

  She reached for a pen and pulled a blank legal pad toward her. “Go on.”

  He leaned closer, concern etching his face. “His mother abandoned him at birth. After the State found her in jail and notified her, she said she wanted him back. The only reason she even has a chance is because the State didn’t publish the notice in the newspaper within the timeframe required by law.”

  “I hate it when that happens.”

  “Yeah, tell me about it. Plus she’s an addict and a prostitute, and get this. She named her son Little J for Little Jerk. What kind of a mother is that?”

  “That’s terrible.”

  Dave snorted. “And check this out. Just to annoy me she changed his name to Jack. I can only imagine what that’s short for.”

  “Good grief, that does sound bad,” Diane said, frowning. “Why not allow the State to proceed and let the case follow the natural course of things? If she’s a prostitute as you said, then she’s probably hardcore. If she’s been using for years, the chances of her staying clean are almost nil. Then you’d keep him anyway. Why waste the money on a lawyer?”

  “I don’t trust the caseworker. She doesn’t seem to like me.”

  His half-grin made her pulse do a little dance. “Where is Mrs. Passel, if you don’t mind me asking?”

  His face fell. “She died. The thing that scares me most is that I think my caseworker is prejudiced against single fathers. She makes random comments about how children need mothers. I can’t help it that my wife died before his adoption finalized.”