Letting Go (Healing Hearts)

by Michelle Sutton

  Diane scrunched her brow. “That’s what my friends have been telling me for weeks. Do you really think that’s true? If I change, will it last?”

  “I believe so. But only if you allow God to work in your life.”

  She only half-heard him through the fog in her mind. Would she ever be normal?

  “Is that what you want?” he asked.

  Did she want that? No, better to deal with her life on her own terms.

  “I want to change, but I’m not ready for God to do anything. I don’t think that’ll help me. I have a lot of things on my mind that I need to focus on, so don’t push it, okay?”

  “I’d never push God or anything else on anyone. You asked my opinion, and that’s my answer. What you do is totally up to you. Everyone has a free will. But if you ever want to talk about God, I’m willing to listen. Just let me know, okay?”

  This whole conversation about God made her stomach tense. She looked at the clock.

  “I need to go now. Thanks for listening. I’ll call to schedule another appointment.”

  He stood. “I’m looking forward to meeting with you again. I have a lot of hope for you.” He offered a tender smile.

  “I’m glad one of us does. See you later.” Before he could respond, she snatched her purse and headed toward the door.

  She groaned inwardly as she left the building. She should have known Rachel would set her up with a Christian therapist. The name New Hope Counseling should have tipped her off too. She wanted to change, but the whole idea of God being involved scared her. She needed to go to someone who wouldn’t talk about God the whole time. She wasn’t ready to go there.

  Seeing a Christian counselor simply wouldn’t work, even if the guy was nice and easy to talk to. The thought made her sad because at least he seemed to understand her. And the words he used to assure her were comforting.

  She winced in pain from yet another loss, stuffing it down until she could breathe again. She would find a way to heal, but on her own terms. Yes, that’s what she’d do.

  So why did she feel so empty inside?

  Chapter 12

  Dave stretched and headed for the bathroom, still tired after being up half the night with Joey, who had thrown up at least three times. He still smelled like the sour contents of Joey’s stomach.

  He dreaded calling Joey’s case manager to inform her that he was sick again. Dave worried she wouldn’t believe him. For a second he even considered keeping the puked-on clothes as evidence, then decided against it. He scooped up the soiled garments and headed toward the laundry room. The smell overpowered him, making his stomach turn. He held his breath the rest of the way until he dropped the contents into the machine. Slamming the lid, he exhaled.

  He could have waited for his maid to come to work that afternoon, but the stench had already spread through the house, and with Diane coming over later this morning, he wanted to make a good impression. After adding soap and turning on the machine, he peeled off his nightclothes and threw them into the washer, then headed for the shower. As the steamy water poured over him, he inhaled deeply and rolled his shoulders. Not sure why he felt so tense, he cranked the temperature another notch until it almost scalded his skin. The adjustment helped, but it didn’t fix the ache.

  When he finished getting dressed, he peeked in on Joey. His son lay in his crib sleeping like a rock and sweating like a boxer during the last round. The poor little guy. Dave quietly approached the crib and placed his hand above Joey’s forehead. The Tylenol had done the trick. Dave figured his sweat probably had more to do with having too many blankets covering him, so he peeled the top one off.

  Joey shifted and popped his thumb back into his mouth with a deep sigh. Dave held his breath, not wanting to wake him. Joey needed his rest to get well. He had slept less than four hours. Dave had managed to get even less sleep than that, and now his muscles were stiff and his head was fuzzy.

  He went downstairs, put on a pot of coffee, and lit a few scented candles to cover the smell of vomit, which still lingered. He had planned to meet with Diane in her office, but she convinced him of the merit of meeting at his home. Seeing him interact with Joey in his own home would help her to prepare better for his defense.

  When the doorbell rang he rushed all the way across the house to answer it before the sound woke Joey. “Hello.” he gasped, trying to catch his breath. “Come on in.”

  Diane looked at him with one eyebrow raised as she stepped inside. He figured she wasn’t used to men panting when they opened the door for her. But then again, it wouldn’t surprise him if they did. She looked awesome in a tight peach sweater and long black dress pants with high heels. The gentle sway of her hips as she walked past him caused his pulse to race.

  Instantly he berated himself. He needed to stop thinking about Diane as a potential date. He had learned a lot from the miserable conflicts he’d experienced with Merilee. She had been beautiful, but only outwardly. Her heart was hard toward him during the last year of their marriage. Even so, he’d still loved her, flaws and all.

  He doubted he’d ever marry again, but if he changed his mind someday, he wanted a wife who sincerely loved God and didn’t just say that she did to gain his acceptance and love. He refused to let the outward physical beauty of the package taint his perspective of the contents ever again.

  Over the course of his marriage, while Dave had grown in his faith, Merilee had stagnated in hers. And since he’d found out on the day she died that she as pregnant, he wondered if she ever knew the Lord at all. He’d had no idea she was seeing someone else, but it would certainly explain her coldness toward him. Regardless, he decided to leave that judgment up to God, since God was the only One who could see her inner soul and knew the true condition of her heart.

  Diane chuckled, waving her hand in front of his eyes. “Dave, where were you? I asked you three times if Joey was still asleep, and you completely ignored me.”

  He blinked and shook his head. “I . . . what? Sorry, I didn’t mean to ignore you. I just didn’t hear you. I was daydreaming. I didn’t get much sleep last night. I really apologize.”

  “It’s okay. I’ve had nights like that too. So where is Joey?”

  Her large eyes captivated him. He had never seen such unique, beautiful eyes in his life. The golden flecks scattered over her dark hazel irises contrasted with her blonde hair and accentuated its highlights. His finger itched to reach out and touch the silky strands, so he clasped his hands together behind his back.

  “Joey, uh, got sick. He was up half the night. He’s finally sleeping soundly and I’d really hate to rouse him.”

  “Oh, I understand. I won’t disturb him. But I’d like a tour of the house, if you don’t mind.”

  “Okay. Let’s start upstairs and work our way back.”

  * * *

  Diane headed toward the water’s edge with Dave trailing behind her. “I can’t believe you have an indoor pool. This is so neat. Is it expensive to put in one of these? Ahh—!”

  When she turned to look at him, her heel slipped. She felt her legs threatening to fly out from under her, but before she could go down, Dave caught her.

  “Easy, now!”

  Looking up at him, she tried to catch her breath. “That scared me.”

  A worried look appeared in his eyes. “You aren’t the first person to slip on that exact same spot. This area should be dry by now. I guess I need to invest in a better drainage system.”

  A bit shaken from the adrenaline rush, she took a moment to enjoy the strong arms wrapped around her. She couldn’t help noticing that Dave acted aloof as he stood her upright.

  His eyes betrayed him, however. His desire was evident as he locked onto her gaze. But she didn’t see that familiar lascivious look. His attraction seemed more genuine, more pure, almost like admiration, and that really worried her. What did it mean?

  A lazy smile spread over his face, and his eyes twinkled as if he had a secret. The longing she sensed in his gaze caused her h
eart to do a little flip. Was he lonely?

  She wondered what it would feel like to kiss him.

  Apparently Dave noticed her gaze trailing to his mouth because his smile broadened. She licked her lips, suddenly nervous.

  Her accident lasted mere seconds, but what followed seemed to transpire in slow motion. When Dave finally released his hold on her, a tingling sensation washed over her skin. A desire for more contact stirred to life the buried longing for a relationship different from any she’d known before.

  But Dave could have any woman he wanted, so why would he pick someone like her—someone who couldn’t give him more children?

  She knew the answer to her own question. He wouldn’t. So she cut her fantasy off and glanced away.

  “Well, let’s get back inside and talk shop.”

  “Sure, I’m game.” He offered his arm. “Hold on until you get past this slick area.”

  “Thanks, but I’ll just be more careful this time.” Forcing a smile, she eased away from him.

  * * *

  Back inside, they finished the paperwork Diane had brought along. Dave provided her with a social history summary report, which would be very helpful if the case went to trial.

  “Daddy?” The little head of a toddler poked through the bars on the stairwell.

  Dave raced up the steps, taking them two at a time. Scooping Joey up, he carried him downstairs.

  He set the boy on the floor in front of them. “How is my Joey today?”

  “I o’tay.” Joey toddled over to Diane. “Dathy, who this?”

  Joey spoke around his thumb, slobbering a bit, while he studied Diane. He stood gazing at her with a fascinated look in his eyes, clutching his stuffed chicken with one hand and sucking his thumb with the other.

  “This is Miss Diane. She is Daddy’s new friend. Say hi to Miss Diane, but don’t touch her, okay, Joey? I don’t want her getting sick.”

  Joey pulled his thumb out of his mouth and stared at Diane. With an adorable little-boy giggle, he said, “She pwetty. I yike Miss Die.”

  A lump formed in Diane’s throat. She’d never spent much time with children so she rarely had the pleasure of a child’s companionship. Never before had any child said they liked her. It warmed her to her toes.

  Joey toddled closer and popped his thumb in his mouth.

  “No, Joey,” Dave said.

  Joey grabbed the edge of Diane’s sweater and rubbed the soft material with his fingers. “Dis nice.” He pulled his thumb from his mouth with a pop and smiled up at Diane, a big grin on his face. Letting go of her sweater, he turned and touched Dave’s arm. “She pwetty. Not stinky.”

  Dave laughed, “Yeah, she does smell pretty incredible, doesn’t she?” He winked at Diane. “My son has excellent taste in women.”

  Her gaze drifted to his mouth again. Warmth spread over her skin.

  He grinned and pulled Joey into his arms. Joey erupted in giggles as Dave rubbed his hair. The sound deepened into a belly laugh when Dave pretended to steal Joey’s nose, holding his fist with his thumb sticking through his fingers in front of Joey’s face.

  Joey touched his nose and shouted, “No! It here, Daddy!”

  Diane watched their tender interaction wistfully. The way he played with his son made Dave all that more attractive to her.

  Having a romantic interest in a client had never been an issue for her before. Forcing her attention in another direction, she glanced at her watch.

  “I’m sorry, Dave, but I have to go.”

  “I’ll walk you outside.” He rose from the couch.

  “No, that’s okay. I’ll see myself out. And unless you need me for anything urgent, I’ll see you next Friday as planned. Sound okay?”

  “Sounds perfect. Thanks so much for coming. You’re always welcome.”

  As she walked away Diane scolded herself. She had to stop thinking about Dave as a potential mate. He was a client. He’d just said she was welcome in his home to be polite, not because he had the hots for her. He was just a nice guy, and she was making more out of his meaning than actually existed. She needed to focus on winning his case and forget his dreamy smile.

  As if that would ever happen.

  * * *

  Diane had only been in the office an hour when Dave called. “Are you free? I need you to come over right away. Joey’s caseworker is here, and she’s accusing me of saying he’s sick so he won’t have to visit his mother. She’s going to take him anyway, and I can’t do a thing about it.”

  “She’s there?”

  Dave groaned. “Yes. I feel so helpless.” His voice caught. “Please say you’ll help me.”

  She glanced at the clock. “My two o’clock canceled, so I’m free for the next hour. I’ll be right there.”

  “Good. Please hurry. Please.”

  “I’m on my way.”

  The desperation in his voice made her move faster than normal. In less than ten minutes she pulled into Dave’s circular driveway and parked. He stood on his front steps looking shell-shocked. He stared, unflinching, as she slammed her car door and approached. His eyes were puffy, and his mouth gaped.

  She stood before him for nearly a minute, and he still didn’t acknowledge her. Finally she touched his arm.

  “Dave. I’m here.”

  He blinked, staring, then mumbled, “She just took Joey. How can she do that?”

  “I got here as fast as I could.”

  His eyes focused. “You’re too late,” he said dully. “I’ve lost him. I just know I’ve lost him.”

  “They can’t take him from you without a hearing. Remember that. You retain physical custody unless the court rules otherwise.”

  His shoulders slumped and he cast his gaze down.

  She clutched his arms and looked him in the eyes. “You’re a certified adoptive home. You have rights.”

  Dave rubbed his forehead. “I told her he’d thrown up all night, and she didn’t even care. That witch said Joey was going to visit his mother whether I liked it or not.”

  “What she did was wrong.”

  His voice grew louder. “She accused me of lying about his sickness. She said he looked fine to her and I’d better not interfere if I knew what was best. Do you think that was a threat?”

  The pain she glimpsed in his eyes tugged at her heart. “We’ll fight this, Dave. Don’t give up hope. Never give up.”

  He continued as if he hadn’t heard her. “Joey cried and looked at me as if I was the devil himself when I let her take him. This is damaging him emotionally, and I can’t fix it. I can’t stop the visits. I can’t do anything to help him. I feel useless.” He ran his hand over his face as if to wipe away the grief. “I’m sorry. Let’s go inside for a minute. It’s cold out here.”

  Diane followed him inside. He motioned for her to sit on the couch.

  “I need a plan, a strategy of some type. There has to be a way to protect him through all of this. Isn’t there?”

  Without thinking, she took his hands in hers and said, “You can pray.”

  Dave withdrew his hands and looked at her as if she had just suggested he jump off a cliff without a parachute. That was clearly the wrong thing to say, especially coming from someone as non-religious as she was.

  “I can file a motion in court for a hearing on the matter, but first I’d have to ask the court’s permission to join Joey’s case as an interested party. If they grant my request I’ll be copied on everything.” She reached for his hand again and squeezed it.

  “Okay. File the motion.” He squeezed her hand back. “I have a feeling this is going to get much worse before it gets any better.”

  His cell phone chirped, and he let go of her hand. He pulled out the phone and answered in a formal business voice.

  “Good afternoon, Dave’s Corporate Consulting. How can I help you?”

  Watching Dave’s face as he listened to the caller, she saw his neck turn crimson.

  “I told you I wasn’t lying,” he snapped. “Of course I’
m still here. Bring him back home.”

  Flipping his cell phone shut, he scowled playfully at Diane. “Joey threw up on his caseworker when she tried to take him out of his car seat. Remind me to give him a congratulatory hug when he’s feeling better.”

  Diane flashed him a sly grin. Go, Joey. “No problem.”

  “I can’t believe he barfed on her,” he said, laughing. “That’s my boy.”

  * * *

  Within minutes, a knock rattled the glass on the front door. Dave rose to answer it and peered through the window. “What the—” He swung the door open. “Where’s Joey?”

  Mrs. Vela answered with a huff, “He’s still in his car seat. It’s a mess. I’d prefer to have you clean it up. I can’t afford to get sick.”

  “Give me a minute.” Dave sighed and went to get clean rags and a bottle of cleaner. Covered in vomit, Joey stopped wailing at the sight of Dave and held out his arms.

  “Up! Up!” he said repeatedly.

  Dave lifted him out of his car seat, quickly cleaning it with his free hand. Joey giggled and popped his thumb into his mouth, snuggling into Dave’s shoulder. Dave patted his back.

  “Joey will have a visit with his mother next weekend. Don’t try to cancel. I’m on to you.”

  Pulling in a deep breath, Dave froze. Standing beside him, Diane touched his arm in reassurance.

  “I assume you plan on attending the review hearing,” Mrs. Vela said.

  “The hearing? What hearing?”

  Mrs. Vela grunted her disapproval. “The one regarding Jack’s placement and his mom’s progress. It’s in three weeks at the courthouse. Didn’t you get the notice?”

  “No, I didn’t.”

  “It’s not required for you to attend and might only make things worse for you.”

  Diane cut in. “He’ll attend the hearing. I’ll be accompanying him to court after I file a motion to join these proceedings as an interested party. I would watch my step if I were you, Mrs. Vela. Don’t flaunt authority you don’t have. Mr. Passel has rights, too, and I refuse to let you brush them off because you have some twisted need to make this child suffer in what we all know is a wasted effort on the birth mother.”