by Lucy Clark
The fact that he’d been so eager, so willing and ready to go and meet Ruthie the second she’d suggested it, indicated that he had indeed been thinking about it over the past few days but had been polite and gentlemanly enough not to pressure her on the subject. It only made her appreciate him even more.
Mackenzie sighed as she took a different route to the front of the hospital, desperately trying to get her emotions under control. In many ways she knew John intimately. She knew what it was like to be held in his arms, to feel his hand reassuringly in hers, to lean her head on his shoulder, to hear his unwavering voice telling her everything was going to be OK. There had been truth in all his expressions and she’d trusted him implicitly, but in other ways she felt she knew next to nothing about him.
‘Perhaps you can rectify that,’ she told herself as she spied him standing at the front of the hospital, briefcase in hand, as he waited for her. The sight of him caused her heart to do a little flip of delight and she worked hard to ensure her breathing was as normal as possible because right now, with him standing there in his navy trousers, white shirt and colourful tie, his hair being ruffled by the wind, she felt like hyperventilating.
‘Hi. Sorry about that. Just a few little things that needed…you know…fixing.’ She had no idea what she was saying so when all he did was smile at her, those hypnotic eyes of his making her knees begin to weaken, she immediately turned and started walking towards the car park, knowing he’d follow.
The sun was starting to set, the sky a lovely mix of reds, pinks and blues. ‘It’s beautiful here,’ John remarked.
‘It is.’ Feeling that wasn’t enough of an answer and wanting to keep the conversation going so she didn’t feel so conscious of every move he made, she added, ‘Er…what made you decide to come here?’
‘The job. I don’t really know anyone here on the Sunshine Coast. Except you.’
‘Oh?’ They reached her car and she unlocked it, trying not to smile as John folded his tall frame into her small car.
‘And soon I’ll know Ruthie.’ He smiled brightly. ‘I can’t thank you enough for agreeing to this, Mackenzie. I’m looking forward to it.’
‘Uh…OK, then.’ And he really was, she realised. It wasn’t just a line. Over the past five years her friends Bergan, Regina and Sunainah had encouraged her to date and she’d become an expert at spotting when men were trying to feed her a line. Reggie had been the main culprit in the set-ups, organising several blind dates.
A few had gone well but the instant they’d found out she was a sole parent, that she had a young daughter, most of them would high-tail it out of the restaurant faster than you could say, ‘Cheque, please!’ Yet as she drove along, she could see that John really was delighted at the prospect of getting to know Ruthie.
How she managed to drive, she had no idea. Concentrating on the road was nigh on impossible with John sitting beside her in the passenger seat, his knees bent uncomfortably in her small car.
As though he could sense her unease, he kept up a steady stream of chatter about nothing in particular but somehow had her laughing all the same. How did he do that? Put someone at ease so quickly? Get them to trust him? Make them feel as though they were the most important person in the world?
She thought back to when they’d first met and she’d been in such dire straits and John had saved the day. He’d held her hand while she’d had contractions, he’d kept her calm when she’d been gripped by a rising sense of panic, he’d held her securely in his arms while she’d wept on hearing the news that Warick hadn’t survived the accident.
‘It’s OK. I’m here. We’ll get through this together.’
He couldn’t possibly have any idea just how much she’d wanted him to say those words to her over and over again throughout the past five years. There had been so many times when she’d felt completely unable to cope juggling a young toddler and a demanding career. All too often, she’d curled up in her bed, with Ruthie sleeping beside her, and wish for John’s strong arms to hold her. For his deep, reassuring voice to rumble through her entire body, making her feel secure and important. She’d needed his strength, his optimism and his reassurance.
As he sat beside her now, scrunched into the seat, she couldn’t deny the tug of sensual emotion she felt for him, or the way just being in his presence could make her smile so brightly. She glanced at him again, grinning.
‘What?’ he asked as she changed lanes and exited the freeway.
‘What do you mean, “what”?’
‘Why are you smiling at me like that?’
Mackenzie laughed. ‘Because you look very funny. Like one of those circus clowns who cram themselves into tiny cars.’
John looked from her to his knees and then hunched over further in the seat, bringing his knees even higher. ‘How’s this?’ He smiled at her and Mackenzie couldn’t help but laugh again at the sight he made. ‘All I’m missing is the little bowler hat with a flower coming out of it.’
‘That can be arranged.’ She shook her head, marvelling at how incredibly different he was from Warick. Her husband had been the ultimate corporate businessman. Three-piece suits, working lunches and dinners. Networking, networking, networking. When he’d seen something he’d wanted, he’d focused all his energies on gaining it. That’s how he’d finally won her over, persistent with his romancing, making her believe this was the real him until after the wedding, when she’d discovered he’d wanted a professional wife so they could be a professional couple. Introducing her to his colleagues as Dr Fawles had given him a big thrill.
‘Plus, you’re a knockout. Brains and beauty. I’m the envy of every guy in the office and the boss is finally starting to take my ideas for overseas expansion seriously.’
It had always been work, work, work with Warick and he’d been rather annoyed when she’d told him about the pregnancy. Still, his boss had approved of him becoming a ‘family man’ so Warick had played the doting father-to-be whenever they’d been in public. Privately, though, he’d been married to his job rather than her.
Arrogant, selfish and highly insecure, he’d never gone out of his way to be silly, to make her laugh, to make a fool of himself in order to bring a smile to her face. John, however, seemed to be such an intense giver, wanting to make others happy, wanting to support them, wanting them to gain the most out of their lives.
Whatever his motives were, she’d most certainly benefited. He’d left a lasting mark on her life, a positive one, and even though she’d yearned for his thoughtful, supportive presence, it had been in remembering his words that had helped her to start again.
‘You’re a strong woman, Mackenzie Fawles,’ she remembered him telling her when she’d stood beside Ruthie’s humidi-crib, wondering whether her premature baby girl was strong enough to make it through the night. ‘Don’t ever forget that and don’t let anyone else tell you different.’
She sighed, slowing the car as she turned into a driveway that announced the large, rambling house before them to be ‘Grandma Liz’s Day-Care’.
‘That’s a heavy sigh,’ he remarked, trying to shift a little in the seat. She’d thought he’d be out of the car the instant she stopped in order to stretch his cramped limbs. Instead, he released his seat belt before shifting in the seat to face her. ‘Are you concerned about me meeting Ruthie?’
‘Well…’ Mackenzie sighed again, the late wintry sun making her blonde hair shine beautifully. She’d pulled it back into a low ponytail but the front layers weren’t quite long enough and a lock had fallen forward down the side of her cheek. His fingers itched to reach out, to tuck the silken locks behind her ear. John’s gut tightened as he continued to look at her, positive the woman had no idea how incredibly beautiful she was.
All those years ago she’d needed a friend and he’d felt privileged to be there for her during her time of need. Of course he’d realised her beauty but not in the way he did now. On his first day, when they’d been chatting in the cafeteria over that putrid cu
p of warm water the hospital was passing off as tea, he had been astonished to discover an increasing awareness towards Mackenzie.
He’d ignored it, trying to pass it off as the effects of a tired and exhausted mind, but later, when she’d stood in the corridor, leaning against the wall, looking up at him with those emerald-green eyes of hers, he’d been flooded with overwhelming desire for a woman he’d previously regarded as nothing more than a damsel in distress.
Had she felt it, too? He was positive she had because the other day in the stairwell they’d definitely shared another moment and he’d had a difficult time not lowering his head to find out exactly how her perfect lips tasted. Was it their previous intense but platonic connection that was heightening the sensations passing between them? Even now, as he sat here in the car, looking across at her, admiring the way the sunlight played upon her hair and gave her a sort of ethereal glow, he felt his gut tighten.
‘Mackenzie.’ He rubbed his hands together, trying desperately not to give in to the urge to touch her. She was looking at him with a sense of longing as well as confusion and bewilderment and it was that which was helping him to remain in control. ‘I really appreciate you letting me do this. Er…meeting Ruthie, I mean.’
‘I can see it means a lot to you but I’m still not a hundred per cent sure why you’re so eager. I mean, I know you helped deliver her and of course that gives you more than a passing interest in her life but…’
‘But?’ he prompted when she stopped.
‘I can’t shake the feeling that you wanting to meet Ruthie has…something to do with what you almost told me the other day. Remember? When we were in Recovery and the nurse came in and interrupted us?’ She stopped, sighing and shaking her head, wishing her thoughts wouldn’t jumble together like that but instead be more coherent and calm. Then again, she was around John and he always managed to muddle her mind simply by being so close to her.
‘You’re right. It does have something to do with what I was going to say the other day.’ He nodded and gave her a lopsided smile. ‘Apart from the fact that I honestly feel a unique sort of connection with Ruthie and that I’ve thought about her quite often over the years, wondering how the two of you were getting on, there is more to it than that.’
Mackenzie sat there, waiting, not wanting to rush him. When she looked into his face, she could almost see him reflecting back into his past. Something terrible must have happened to him, she was sure of it because she’d never forgotten that moment all those years ago when he’d looked into her eyes and said, ‘I know what you’re feeling.’ Had he? Had he known the heart-wrenching pain? The feeling of having no control whatsoever over your own life? The desolation and anguish?
‘Mackenzie…’ He breathed out slowly but held her gaze. ‘I used to be married.’
She nodded, wanting to encourage him. He’d managed to prise open the door to a particular part of his past and she was almost desperate for him to open it a little wider.
‘We had a little girl. Well, we adopted a little girl.’
Mackenzie bit her lip, trying to stop her mind from racing ahead to what she already knew was a horrible outcome to what John was telling her.
‘My wife couldn’t have children. Ovarian cancer,’ he offered by way of explanation.
‘Oh, John.’ The words, filled with instant sadness, were wrenched from her before she could stop them.
‘We were working in Tarparnii and there was an accident and little Mune-hie was left an orphan. She was only one year old and her extended family couldn’t provide for her. So…we adopted her.’
Mackenzie pursed her lips together and nodded, wanting him to continue but at the same time not wanting to hear the inevitable words of pain. ‘Children have a way of bringing so much love.’
‘Yes,’ he agreed. ‘Just as Ruthie has brought you so much love.’
‘I’ve been so blessed.’
‘Yes.’ He closed his eyes. ‘You’ve been through hardship, a fair enough amount, but now…’ He opened his eyes and reached for her hand. ‘Jacqueline, my wife, and Mune-hie…’ He stopped, his voice choking.
‘They passed away,’ she stated, finishing the sentence for him, desperate to spare him the pain of speaking those horrible words out loud. It was clear from the reverence in his tone just how much he’d loved them. It also helped her to better understand just why he was so keen to get to know Ruthie.
He cleared his throat and looked down at Mackenzie’s hand in his own. ‘I don’t talk much about my family, Mackenzie. In fact, hardly at all. To anyone.’ He raised his gaze to meet hers. ‘But with you…I don’t know. It’s…’
‘Different,’ she offered.
‘Yes.’ His tone was softer than before. ‘Thank you for allowing me into Ruthie’s life. I know it can’t be easy for you, always wanting to protect her as best you can.’
‘John…how old…?’ Mackenzie stopped and breathed out slowly, wanting to ask the questions uppermost in her mind but also not wanting him to think she was prying.
‘Would my daughter have been?’ he finished for her.
‘Yes.’
‘Mune-hie would have been almost fourteen. She was just five when she passed away.’
‘Oh, John.’ Mackenzie gave his hand a squeeze, desperate to give him her deepest sympathies. ‘I couldn’t even begin to contemplate the loss of…’ She stopped and swallowed over the enormous lump in her throat. ‘To lose both of them? Your wife and your daughter.’ She shook her head in disbelief, really feeling for him, really sharing his pain.
‘A fatal epidemic in Tarparnii.’
‘Oh, no.’ The anguish intensified as she realised he would have watched them slowly slip from his life, while he’d no doubt done everything he possibly could to save them.
John clenched his jaw and looked into her eyes. ‘It doesn’t seem to get any easier to talk about it, even though it’s been eight years.’
‘So this is why you move around so much? Going where you’re needed, helping others but all the time wanting to put as much distance between yourself and the rest of the world?’
He shrugged one shoulder. ‘I guess so. Sometimes…I think about stopping, settling down somewhere, but nowhere seems…I don’t know…to be the right place to settle.’
‘What about back in England? With your bossy sisters nearby.’
John instantly shook his head. ‘While I love them, they’re very intense.’
‘You see, because I never really had a family, because I was shunted from one foster-place to the next, I find that really difficult to understand. I love being close to Bergan and Reggie and Sunainah. Of having a permanent residence, of providing a home for Ruthie, but…if anything were to happen…’
John eased his hand from hers and shook his head. ‘Don’t even think such things. The devastation of losing Mune-hie sits on my heart every single day. There isn’t one day that goes by where I don’t think about her, where I don’t want to feel her arms around my neck, holding me tight and laughing as I tickle her, but it’s the sound of her laughter, of the happiness she gave us even though it was for such an short period of time, it’s the good times I work hard to remember. It’s because of those good times that I’m able to function, I’m able to help others.’
Mackenzie had teared up at his words and she sniffed. ‘You give so much to others, John. You’ve already given so much to me. I’m sure you have no idea how much you helped me all those years ago and I am, and always will be, forever grateful.’
‘I don’t want your gratitude, Mackenzie.’ His voice had thickened slightly. ‘I want you to live a happy life, which is what you’re doing.’
‘I still have difficulty learning who to trust but, thanks to you, I’m getting there.’
‘Thanks to me?’
She smiled. ‘You believed in me, John. All those years ago, standing by Ruthie’s humidi-crib, praying she was strong enough to survive the surgery, that she’d grow into the gorgeous girl she has, you told me I’d
be OK. You told me I was strong, that you knew I’d be all right.’ She nodded. ‘You gave me confidence, John, and it’s confidence I’ve drawn on so many times over the years.’
‘Really? I had no idea. I was only trying to support you.’
‘And you did. You held me up with your big strong arms when I needed it most and whether you want it or not, you have my complete gratitude and respect.’
John glanced at this special woman. ‘You’ve been waiting a long time to say that, haven’t you,’ he stated.
‘I have and I’m really thankful that I’ve not only been given the opportunity but that you listened.’
‘Good.’ He exhaled slowly, gazing into her highly expressive eyes, eyes a man could easily lose himself in, and John knew that was exactly what was happening. They’d both been through so much. His gaze dipped to take in her plump lips, lightly parted, as though inviting him to come hither.
Was it possible…? Dare he hope…? It was clear there was an increasing attraction between them, something new, something different, something he was definitely interested in exploring. Was Mackenzie?
He returned to look into her eyes, the small confines of the car making it incredibly easy to bring them into closer proximity.
‘John?’ His name was a caress upon her perfect lips and as his gaze dipped once more to take in the rose-pink outline of her mouth, the way she was biting her lower lip in confusion and anticipation, he worked harder at attempting to control the overwhelming desire to finally press his mouth to hers.
‘John?’ She whispered his name again and this time he heard confused uncertainty in her voice. He shook his head, realising he was probably moving way too fast, but for once in his life he was having difficulty keep a tight rein on his emotions where Mackenzie was concerned.
‘You’re tying me in knots,’ he murmured, his words barely audible.
‘Oh?’ Her eyes widened in surprise and as she breathed out she licked her dry lips, making him clench his hands into fists in an effort to maintain some sort of control. Was John about to kiss her? The same man who had been her rock throughout her greatest time of need? Was this the right thing to do? Should they be doing it at all? The questions swirled around in her mind but found no answers.