by Lucy Clark
John watched her go, unable to stop himself from checking out the gentle sway of her hips. Even in theatre scrubs she looked sexy. Darn, the woman was completely getting under his skin and in the rule of life as written and edited by John Watson, that was a no-no. However, what she’d said had made complete sense and he was beginning to realise, having seen the way she’d forged ahead with her own life, that he was probably already halfway down that dark pit and hadn’t even realised it.
He closed his eyes and clenched his hands tight, imagining himself completely in the dark, holding onto a rope, and when he looked up at the speck of light above him, he saw Mackenzie’s beautiful face smiling back down at him.
He was becoming far too attached to her, far too quickly. It wasn’t right for him to move on with his life when Jacqueline and Mune-hie couldn’t move on with theirs. His heart had been torn into pieces when he’d been unable to save them, unable to use all the skill and medical knowledge and supplies to save their lives.
He’d sat there and watched them die, watched the life slip from them, and at the same time it had slipped from him, too. For so long he’d wished he’d died along with them, that the three of them could at least have stayed together, but that hadn’t been the case.
He knew Mackenzie had her own issues to face and deal with but she did it in her own way and he needed to do it in his. Yes, he’d told her he wanted to talk to her about his family and, yes, he appreciated her support but he wasn’t ready. He knew he just wasn’t ready. Throw into the mix the fact that he couldn’t stop thinking about Mackenzie, wanting to hold her, kiss her, be with her, and he was adding a hefty helping of guilt to his already over-burdened conscience.
John quickly opened his eyes and shook his head. Too much. It was too much to process, to think about. His past was his past and that’s where it was going to stay. He needed to cool things down with Mackenzie, put a bit of distance between them so he could figure out what to do next.
He squared his shoulders and with firm and determined strides he headed to the changing rooms, mentally closing the box that led to the pit. No. He was stronger without the need to relive his past. He could cope. He would continue on the path he’d always been on.
This was who he was and Mackenzie could either accept it or ignore it. Her choice.
CHAPTER TWELVE
BY THE TIME Mackenzie was ready to go home, pleased that Stan was now stable and surrounded by his loving family, she couldn’t find John anywhere.
‘I did see him talking to Leyton earlier,’ Bergan told her when Mackenzie went to check the A and E department.
‘What’s Leyton doing here at this hour?’ Mackenzie asked, knowing the hospital’s chief executive officer usually kept strictly to office hours and it was now almost midnight.
‘I don’t know. Look, perhaps John had to leave.’
Mackenzie shook her head. ‘He would have left me a message.’
‘Well, I’ll be heading home in another half an hour if you need a lift,’ Bergan offered.
Mackenzie frowned, starting to wonder if John had indeed perhaps left the hospital without telling her. She had pushed him before and perhaps she’d pushed him a little too far this time. He’d told her he was happy to talk about his family but maybe that only meant on his own terms, when he was ready, not to have her just blurting out questions at odd moments.
She stood by what she’d said, though. Even during medical school during their psychology lessons they’d learnt about the different stages of grief and that it was better to deal with it than to bottle it up. John’s roaming lifestyle, six months here, a year there, never really setting down roots, never really opening himself up to anyone, was no way to live a normal, healthy life. He was the one who had helped her to realise that so why couldn’t he realise it for himself?
She thanked Bergan for the offer and headed back to John’s office in the orthopaedic department, wondering if their paths had crossed. Mackenzie smiled and breathed a sigh of relief when she saw John sitting at his desk, filling in some paperwork.
‘Hi. I’ve been trying to find you.’
John looked up and for a moment Mackenzie felt as though he was looking straight through her. There was no welcoming smile on his face and she felt a trickle of apprehension flood down her spine, her feminine intuition telling her that something was definitely wrong.
‘Something wrong?’ he asked, his tone light and even, not displaying any emotion at all.
‘No, nothing is wrong. Stan’s doing nicely and is about to be transferred to ICU. Anna is, understandably, much calmer and has arranged for her boys to go home with their uncle so she can nurse Stan through the night.’
‘Good. Good.’ He only glanced up once from what he was writing and as she came a little closer to his desk she realised he was filling in a registration form for the orthopaedic conference due to take place in Sydney the following week. Two of her colleagues had been planning to go, which meant they’d be light on staff during clinics, and if John was going, too, it would mean even longer hours for her. ‘Heading to the conference?’ she queried.
‘Yes. Leyton requested I attend and present a paper.’
‘Oh?’
‘So I need to get this filled in now, scanned, copied and emailed off to the relevant people so that funding and locums, etcetera, can start to be organised first thing tomorrow morning. Then I need to find my research from last year, when I was in Bangledesh for six months, reorganise the abstract and submit it to the conference committee as they’ve had two presenting surgeons pull out at the last minute.’
‘OK.’ She was quiet for a moment, trying to figure out what had happened to make him change. Was it just that he was busy? She knew that attending a conference wasn’t as easy as just packing a bag and going, especially when the hospital was paying, as there was so much red tape involved.
Or was it something else? She couldn’t help the thought that it was something she had done as his attitude towards her seemed very closed off.
She stood there for a few more minutes, just watching him write, unsure what to do next. She hated uncertainty, wishing that if John had an issue with her he’d just come right out and tell her what it was.
‘Well…’ She clasped her hands together in front of her. ‘I’ll organise another way of getting home.’ With that, she turned on her heel and headed towards the door.
John put his pen down, closed his eyes for a moment, rubbing one hand over his forehead before he stood, calling her name. ‘Mackenzie, wait.’ He came round his desk but didn’t come any further. She reached the door and turned to face him. ‘I’d forgotten that we’d come in the same car. I do apologise.’
‘It’s all right. It’s been a busy night. I need to go and collect Ruthie.’
‘You wouldn’t just let her sleep the rest of the night at the Allingtons?’
‘Of course not. She is my daughter and it’s hardly fair on them to be woken up at the crack of dawn by an over-bright five-year-old. Honestly, from the moment she wakes up, she’s “on”. The questions start, so do the laughter and the smiles, and I could do with a bit of laughter and smiles in about five and a half hours’ time.’
He shook his head in amazement. ‘You’re a good mother, Mackenzie.’
She shrugged one shoulder. ‘I do the best I can.’ She was still a little annoyed with him for the way he’d all but ignored her when she’d walked into his office and right now she just wanted to leave. ‘Anyway, carry on with your paperwork. I’ll see you…when I see you.’
She turned again and had taken a few steps down the department corridor before he called her name again. ‘I’m sorry, Mackenzie. I thought I could do…this.’ She hadn’t turned round and part of him didn’t blame her. He’d been rude to her just now but perhaps putting a bit of distance between them was the best thing to do.
‘It’s fine, John.’ She took another step away from him, unable to turn and look at him.
‘Mackenzie, wait.’
‘We are, at least on some level.’
‘That’s not enough. I’ve been in a relationship that was one-sided before, that was filled with lies and unfaithfulness and passive-aggressive tendencies where Warick would make me feel that everything was always my fault.’ She turned round, looking at him and shaking her head. ‘I don’t need to be in a relationship, John. I was doing just fine before you came here.’
‘And yet you’ve confessed to dreaming about me,’ he pointed out.
‘That’s right, and that’s all they appear to be. Just dreams. Dreams can’t hurt me. Dreams are a figment of my imagination, of a world where I have a man who adores me, who cherishes me, who is addicted to loving me.’ She impatiently blinked back the tears that were gathering behind her eyes. Now was not the time for her to turn into a blubbering mess.
‘I truly believe what I said to you earlier. I don’t think you’ve dealt with the deaths of your family and perhaps, until you do, we should simply remain as colleagues and neighbours.’
‘And friends?’
‘If you need me, John, I promise to be there for you.’
‘To repay your debt? To help me as I helped you?’ There was a hint of confusion in his voice, as though he still had no real idea why she was offering her help.
Mackenzie laughed without humour and raised her eyes heavenwards. ‘Good Lord, for a man who is so intelligent, you really are thick.’ She met his gaze and sighed, trying to figure out how best to get through to him.
‘Of course you’ve had a big impact on my life and I’ll thank you again and again for being strong when I was weak, but I’ve repaid you for that kindness by getting on with my life, for believing in the strength that you said you saw in me.
‘I see that same strength in you, John, the strength to face your past, but right now you’re too focused on plugging up the cracks I’ve made in your protective wall and I understand that, I really do. But there is absolutely no hope for anything real or permanent or life-changing to happen between us until you’ve come out from behind the fortress you’ve built around your heart.’
She watched as he shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans, showing her he still needed to hide from the situation. ‘I’m attracted to you and I know you’re attracted to me. I’m not like other women you may have been involved with over the years because I genuinely care about you and I want you to find the peace that’s been missing from your life, that you’ve been running from, for these past eight years.’ Swiping a hand across her cheek to catch a stray tear sliding down her cheek, she gave him a watery smile. ‘See you around, Dr Watson.’
With that, she resumed her way down the corridor, wishing that he’d call her back one last time, that he’d close the distance between them, that he’d gather her close in his arms and press his mouth to hers, telling her he was ready, ready to let go of the past and to move forward with her by his side.
But he didn’t do any of that and this time, as the tears gathered in her eyes, she let them fall.
*
‘Ruthie keeps asking for him,’ Mackenzie told her friends as they crowded around the small table in the coffee shop. Sunainah and Reggie had just finished their shifts and Bergan and Mackenzie were about to start theirs. She’d dropped Ruthie off at school and come straight here, desperate for her friends to cheer her up.
‘How have things been between the two of you at work?’ Sunainah asked as she cut into her pancakes.
‘Strained. We only talk to each other when absolutely necessary and even then it’s mostly about patients. Thankfully, he’s been away at the conference for the past few days, which has given me a bit of a breather, but he gets back tomorrow.’
‘Isn’t that your day off?’
She nodded. ‘I swapped with Sonny. Saturday is Ruthie day and after a quick ward round in the morning I’m going to spend the day with my girl, but after that I have no doubt the avoidance dance between John and myself will start again.’ She shook her head. ‘I knew I shouldn’t have moved so fast but I…’ She stopped.
‘You couldn’t help it,’ Bergan said softly, placing a reassuring hand on Mackenzie’s shoulder. ‘He’s the first man I’ve ever seen turn your head so fast.’
‘And now Ruthie’s attached to him and is missing him and I just should have been more careful.’
‘Will you stop beating yourself up?’ Reggie said, her bright and cheery smile providing support for Mackenzie. ‘Things will work out. I just know it.’
‘I’m glad you do,’ Mackenzie mumbled as she poked at her scrambled eggs, her appetite having vanished. ‘I rely on you for my healthy dose of optimism, Reggie, because right now I don’t foresee a happy ending for us.’
‘Do you know what you need?’ Reggie continued.
‘A brain scan?’
Sunainah and Bergan laughed but Mackenzie just placed her fork on her plate and buried her face in her hands.
‘What do I need, Reggie?’
‘A day out. I have the day off tomorrow, too, so why don’t I meet you and Ruthie at the wildlife park?’
‘Yes. Good idea,’ Sunainah agreed. ‘You know how Ruthie loves that place and it always relaxes you.’
Mackenzie instantly baulked at the idea. The wildlife park was now also filled with wonderful memories of the time she’d spent there with John but if she was serious about getting on with her life, she had to turn and face the pain. Besides, it wouldn’t be fair to Ruthie to deny her the outing.
She lowered her hands and looked at her three best friends. They’d always been there for her, helping her through both little and big things. Who had been there for John? True, he was the one who had shut himself off and chances are his older sisters probably had no idea just how much of his life he’d locked away from others. He’d had no one there, day in, day out, helping him to smile, helping him to step into the sunshine and live again.
‘What do you say?’ Reggie continued.
Mackenzie nodded and smiled warmly at her friends. ‘I think that idea sounds like a beauty.’
*
Later that day, after she’d managed to finish clinic a little earlier than expected, she went round to Grandma Liz’s to collect Ruthie, unable to keep the excitement out of her voice as she told her daughter of their plans for the following day.
‘And John can come, too,’ Ruthie told her. ‘He loved it last time and—’
‘John will be working tomorrow.’ Mackenzie cut her off. ‘Sorry, sweetheart. But Reggie’s going to meet us there.’
‘Oh.’ Ruthie gave a big sigh. ‘I haven’t seen John for ages and ages.’
‘He’s been away at a conference,’ Mackenzie said as they pulled into the cul-de-sac.
‘There he is!’ Ruthie’s excited squeal penetrated Mackenzie’s ears and the instant she’d brought the small car to a stop Ruthie had unclipped her seatbelt and was scrambling over the front seat of the car, opening the door and racing out towards John before Mackenzie could stop her.
‘John! John!’ she heard the little girl calling excitedly as John carried a duffel bag from his car towards his townhouse. Mackenzie went after her, watching as John turned to face her. He dropped his duffel bag and held out his arms wide, collecting Ruthie up and into his arms before spinning her round and holding her close.
A lump immediately formed in her throat at the sight they made, like a father and daughter reunited after a long time. The look on John’s face as he closed his eyes and breathed in Ruthie’s effervescence was one of sheer joy. Mackenzie’s step faltered as she watched them, wishing and hoping that he would willingly break down his barriers and let them both in. Somewhere, somehow, when she hadn’t even realised it, this man had crept into her life and stolen her heart. Now it seemed he was intent on breaking it as well.
She hadn’t been able to tell any of her friends, not even Bergan, just how
much she’d missed John these past couple of weeks. How she’d lain awake at night, forcing herself not to go over every touch, every nuance, every look, and failing miserably. How she’d woken either from thrilling dreams about him or with tears already on her cheeks. It had been easier this past week simply because he hadn’t been right in front of her, reminding her of how much she’d once again lost. He really was so near yet so far.
She stood nearby, as though restricted from going any closer to him by an invisible barrier. Ruthie was chattering away in her usual animated manner, seated comfortably in the strong circle of his arms as he listened intently to what she was saying, nodding and murmuring in the right parts. Finally, Ruthie paused for breath and John looked her way.
‘Hi.’
‘Hi.’ She watched as his smile remained fixed in place, changing from one of openness with Ruthie to a slightly guarded one with her. ‘How was the conference?’
He shrugged one shoulder. ‘OK.’ Silence seemed to stretch between them and even though Ruthie was back to chattering away, the uncomfortable undercurrent intensified.
‘And tomorrow we’re going to the wildlife park again,’ the little girl told him with evident excitement. ‘And Reggie’s going to meet us there but Mummy said you couldn’t come because you had to work and I was really sad because I want you to come more than anything and then I saw you here and then I was really happy because I’ve missed you so much, John.’
With that, she buried her face in his neck once more. John placed a protective hand on Ruthie’s head and Mackenzie could clearly see the attachment he had to her daughter.
The lump in her throat intensified as she knew exactly how Ruthie felt and she bit her lip to try and keep her emotions in check. She’d missed John, too and of course she wanted him to go to the wildlife park with them tomorrow but John had chosen to keep his heart locked safely away and there was nothing she could do about it. What she did have to do was to find a way to dissociate Ruthie from being so dependent upon John.