Nice Recovery
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A p p e n d i x 1
Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous
The steps for other programs, such as NA or CA, are based on these:
1 We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2 Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3 Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4 Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5 Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6 Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7 Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8 Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9 Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10 Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11 Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His Will for us and the power to carry that out.
12 Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practise these principles in all our affairs.
A p p e n d i x 2
A Slightly Unserious Guide to Recovery-Speak or Don’t Leave Because You Don’t Understand the Message
Acceptance Often defined by what it’s not: it’s not bitching, resisting, obsessing, or bargaining. Much easier to talk about acceptance than to do it.
Amends Not just saying sorry, but acting differently, most notably by staying clean and sober.
Behaviours and Isms Refers to inappropriate, addictive, illconsidered actions and thoughts not resulting from intoxication. It’s often said that people who don’t drink or use may “still have all the Isms.” This news is not greeted with delight by the receiver of the diagnosis.
Boundaries Invisible lines between one person and the next. Exist in the emotional realm as well as the asking-for-favours realm. Height and thickness of boundaries depend on person having them. Some people have concrete-wall boundaries. Don’t ask those people to help you move. Other people have virtually no boundaries. If someone shows up at your house Sunday morning at 7:30, slips into your favourite bathrobe without asking, and proceeds to spend the next twelve hours talking about his childhood and innermost fears, stopping only to go through your fridge, he may have low/ thin/non-existent boundaries. Such a person will also be unusually comfortable with crying in public. If you are concerned about whether you or someone you know might have weak or non-existent boundaries, see: Co-dependence.
Brainwashed What extremely enthusiastic people in recovery are said to be. Traditional rejoinder: some people need a good brainwashing.
Burning Desire This is the time in a meeting when the chairperson asks if anyone who has not been chosen has a desire to share. Someone almost always does. Sometimes the speaker has the desire to speak well into Overtime. Burning-desire shares sometimes give other people burning resentments.
Carrying the Message Telling people in the throes of their addiction that there may be another way. A better way. A way that involves less puking and crime.
Character Defects These are natural instincts run wild, such as the instinct to get more money (drug lords and hedge fund managers); instinct to get more sex (causing rampant thirteenth stepping); and instinct to get more security (glomming onto people and doing things like getting three or four jobs).
Co-Dependence A co-dependent is a person whose happiness and sense of well-being depends entirely on another person. Someone who financially supports and is overinterested in/overconcerned for someone else. If you have an addict girlfriend and she gets busted and you tell the cops the stuff was yours, you are probably co-dependent. If you are an alcoholic and your mom calls your manager at Pizza Hut when you are too hung over to go in and tells them that your mononucleosis has flared up again, then your mom is co-dependent.
Complacency Taking recovery and the life it allows one to lead (presumably a life that has a bit of dignity and personal agency) for granted. Those who get complacent often grow smug and thereby lose Humility and perhaps experience Relapse. When the shit comes down (girlfriend/boyfriend leaves, friends die, jobs are lost), suddenly complacency departs and panic sets in. On the plus side, this gives the aggrieved party the opportunity to decide to recommit to recovery or they can go straight backwards into the pit.
Cult What AA, NA, CA, Overeater’s Anonymous (OA), and some other programs based on the twelve steps are assumed to be, much to the annoyance of people in those programs. See also: sudden sympathy for Tom Cruise and Scientology as well as Denial and Resentment and Oversensitivity.
Co-Signing Usually followed by “my/your bullshit.” Refers to letting people remain deluded. “Dude, you are totally right that your mom was being an unreasonable snag when she called the police after you stole her jewellery to buy drugs.”
Doing What’s Suggested Following each program as it’s laid out.Getting a sponsor, going to meetings, etc. See also Getting Active.
Drugalugging Pretty much self-explanatory.
Dry Drunk A person who is sober but doesn’t go to a Program or get any help. The condition is characterized by a certain savagery of outlook and a tendency to get deep into other Behaviours and Isms. See George W. Bush.
God Quite a multifarious character among recovery types. Characterized by a certain loving quality and propensity to forgive saints and assholes alike.
Growing in Recovery/Getting Active In twelve-step circles, this means Doing What’s Suggested: working the steps, reading the literature, going to meetings, doing Service, speaking with one’s sponsor, Reaching Out. Getting Active is the opposite of Getting Complacent.
Grouped To be ganged up on by fellow recoveries to uncover your bullshit. Fortunately, not as violent as it sounds.
Half Measures Not trying very hard. May result in relapse.
Hitting Bottom Connected to well-loved phrases such as being “sick and tired of being sick and tired.” The only requirement for hitting bottom is to decide one has had enough of drinking/using. For some people, the bottom arrives the day they speak injudiciously at the faculty party. For others, the bottom comes when they find themselves in jail for the fourth time. The thing about bottoms is that you have to have hit one to know what it is, and only you get to say when enough is enough.
Inventory Complete list of personal qualities, good and bad. Unlike in retail environment, most people don’t want any help with their inventories. In fact, if you take someone else’s inventory, you will cause resentments. That said, just about everyone enjoys taking everyone else’s inventory, at least silently.
Issues Personal problems that annoy other people and make life difficult for sufferer of Issues.
Judge The sort of person who takes other people’s inventory. Can also mean to form an opinion, most likely without all the facts.
Letting Go Blanket concept applied to old friends, old hangouts, old ideas, misconceptions, delusions, resentments. Closely related to Hitting Bottom and Acceptance.
Long Talker Someone who speaks for a very long time at meetings, thereby preventing anyone else from getting a word in. See also Resentments, as well as Principles and Not Personalities.
Newcomer Refers to length of time a person has been in recovery. In some circles you are a newcomer for about a month. Other circles, you’ll be a newcomer until you take your twenty-year cake.
Old-Timer Someone who has been sober for a long time. It’s possible to be an old-timer before you are actually old. Something for all those ten-year-olds who are dabbling to consider.
Outside Issues Serious issues other than drug and alcohol addiction. These may include eating disorders, gambling, mental health problems,
serious relationship or financial difficulties, dealing with a history of abuse, etc. Many Outside Issues are best dealt with using Outside Help, in the form of counsellors, therapists, and physicians.
Outside Help Help provided by professionals rather than lay people in recovery.
Out There Where people are said to be when they are using. The opposite of “in here” or “in these rooms,” which refers to the sober world.
Overtime When meetings go over the prescribed hour or hour and one-quarter. Hints that you may be going into overtime: people begin shifting in their seats, picking up and opening purses and wallets, muttering, leaving.
Powerlessness Not to be confused with dependency or helplessness. Powerlessness is an honest, realistic reckoning of what a person can and cannot do through force of unaided will. Things most addicts cannot do include control amount of using, frequency of using, and idiotic, self-destructive behaviour resulting from using; change weather by complaining about it; change people by resenting them and taking their inventory.
Principles and Not Personalities Pretty much what it sounds like. People are often annoying. Principles are not.
Program Generally refers to one of the As: AA, NA, CA, OA, etc.
Reaching Out Calling people in recovery even if you don’t know them. Approaching people at meetings and asking if they want to have coffee. Like Acceptance, much harder than it sounds.
Relapse Drinking or using again after a period of trying to get sober. See also: Shitty Idea and Research.
Research Going out drinking or using in order to prove to yourself that you are, as you suspected, an alcoholic or addict. Warning: too much Research has been known to lead to death.
Resent/Resentment The number one killer of alcoholics and addicts. Forming resentments and hanging on to them is one area in which the addictive personality tends to shine.
Service Helping out those who are new or Still Suffering. Helping out at the group level by chairing meetings, cleaning up after, setting up before, or holding service position for larger area. Listening. Attending meetings.
Still Suffering People in the throes of their addiction.
Stinking Thinking Harbouring anger and resentments. Maybe even nurturing them and building them a little blanket fort in your mind and feeding them cookies and petting them so they’ll grow. To be avoided. See also: Letting Go and Relapse.
Take a Cake/Take a Chip Celebrating lengths of sobriety with cake, and chips (also known as tokens) and telling the story of one’s addiction and recovery. Happens on the occasion of recovery birthdays. May involve actual cake and chips, unless the program is Overeaters Anonymous. Then there will be carrot sticks and lowfat dip.
Thirteenth Step When a person who has been clean and sober for a while helps another person who is new in recovery right out of his/her pants.
Two Stepping Doing only step one (Powerlessness) and step twelve (the Carrying the Message part). Carefully avoiding Amends and other unpleasantness.
Winners People who stay clean and sober or at least try really hard to do so. There are no losers, exactly, but the person who is still wetting his/her own pants at parties is considered a bit less of a winner.
B i b l i o g r a p h y
BOOKS
Addiction: Why Can’t They Just Stop? Edited by John Hoffman and Susan Froemke. HBO, Rodale and Melcher Media, 2007.
A Natural History of Alcoholism Revisited by George E. Vaillant. Harvard University Press, Cambridge, Massachusetts, 1995.
Beautiful Boy: A Father’s Journey Through His Son’s Addiction by David Sheff. Houghton Mifflin, New York, 2008.
Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp. Bantam Dell, New York,1995.
Dry: A Memoir by Augusten Burroughs. Picador, New York, 2004.
Teens Under the Influence: The Truth About Kids, Alcohol, and Other Drugs—How to Recognize the Problem and What to Do About It by Katherine Ketcham and Nicholas A. Pace, MD, Ballantine Books, New York, 2008.
The Recovery Book by Al J. Mooney, Arlene Eisenberg, and Howard Eisenberg. Workman Publishing, New York, 1992.
Tweak: Growing Up on Methamphetamines by Nic Sheff. Simon and Schuster, New York, 2008.
OTHER RESOURCES
Alcoholics Anonymous: www.aa.org
Association of Recovery Schools: www.recoveryschools.org
Canadian Drug Rehab Centres: www.canadiandrugrehabcentres.com
Cocaine Anonymous: www.ca.org
International Harm Reduction Association: www.ihra.net
Narcotics Anonymous: www.na.org
Rational Recovery: http://rational.org/index.php
SMART Recovery (Canada): www.smartrecovery.ca
SMART Recovery (U.S.): www.smartrecovery.org
U.S. Drug Rehab Centers: www.usdrugrehabcenters.com
A c k n o w l e d g m e n t s
I COULD NOT and would not have written this book without the help and encouragement of many people. First, Bill Juby, who read it over and over and helped to make it better every time and who showed the way; Mary Madsen and Stephanie Dubinsky, who gave great suggestions; O.R.M., Paul F., Anna S., and my agent, Hilary, who fielded the panicky calls; Barbara Berson, who got the ball rolling; Nicole Winstanley and Jennifer Notman at Penguin for taking such care with the manuscript and making excellent suggestions; Wendy Thomas for her careful copy-editing; Jerry Blackburn at Edgewood Treatment Centre in Nanaimo, Neal Berger at Cedars in Cobble Hill, and Sue Donaldson from Pegasus Recovery Solutions, for their time and generosity and insights into addiction. Thanks also to the dozens of people who shared their stories so honestly for this book and the millions of people who support each other as part of their own recovery. Gratitude to my mom, my brothers, and my aunts, uncles, and cousins, and to my dear Jimmy: best husband in the world. Finally, I could not have written this or any other book without the help of Heather, Kristine, Grace, Sophie, Gail, and Mary and all the other women who have carried me when I couldn’t walk, as well as my beloved lucky bitches. We are indeed the lucky ones.