by Leisa Rayven
She looks down into her glass and smiles. "I'd rather be alone than with the wrong person."
"Uh huh. So why do I get the impression that the right person is here, and yet you're still by your lonesome?" When she looks at me in confusion, I say, "I might be stating the obvious here, but it's pretty clear you and Daniel Eastman want to jump each other's bones."
Her expression turns to shock. "How on earth did you ...?" She takes a mouthful of whiskey. "And I thought I was hiding my feelings so well."
"If by well, you mean not at all, then yeah. Good job."
I look at her expectantly, but she shakes her head. "Josh, I don't think you want to hear this story. It's ... complicated."
I lean forward and look her in the eye. "Erika, my best friend went through six years of hell before she got to be with the love of her life, and now because of who he is, her boobs are more famous than all the Kardashians put together. Her brother has gotten on and off the relationship rollercoaster with Cassie so many times, they both have season passes, and despite all of that, they're now the most sickeningly in-love newlyweds you've ever seen. I myself had to sleep with a metric shitton of neurotic actresses until I found the woman of my dreams, and yet I still have to endure my lady love getting paid to mack on guys who make me want to beat them with a large stick. I'm more than qualified to handle complicated."
She gives me a resigned look. "Okay, fine. But first you need to know some backstory. I've spent a lot of my adult life alone, and for the most part I've been okay with that. I have a fantastic house, a nice car, a job I love ... and every year I get to mentor wonderful actors who've become like family to me. Students like Cassie and Ethan. Hell, even Zoe and Jack." She runs her finger around the rim of her glass. "And I know some people think the reason I'm single is because I'm a heartless bitch who couldn't keep a man if she tried, but the truth is the only man I've ever wanted I couldn't have, so I didn't feel the need to settle."
"And that man was Daniel Eastman?"
She nods. "Back when I was in drama school, my roommate was from L.A. We quickly became best friends, and she kept raving about her boyfriend on the west coast who was trying to break into movies."
"Okay, I see where this is going."
"After a few months, Daniel came out to visit, and I'd heard so much about him from Ellie, I felt I already knew him. But even with all of her glowing descriptions, she hadn't done him justice." She takes a sip of her drink. "From the moment we met, there was this ... spark. I tried to tell myself it was just a silly crush, but I'd had crushes before, and what I felt for Daniel was in a different universe."
"Did he feel the same way?"
"At first I didn't think so, but then I noticed how often he stared at me. How he'd steal long glances, even when Ellie was talking to him. Whenever he was close, I could feel he was resisting the urge to touch me. Ellie seemed oblivious, but every time Daniel and I were in a room together, the tension between us was unbearable."
I lean back and put my arm along the back of the couch. "So, what did you do?"
"The only thing I could. I avoided him as much as possible. I loved Ellie like a sister, and she was head-over-heels for him. There was no way I was going to allow myself to lust after her man. But the feelings I had for Daniel went so much deeper than just physical attraction. We connected intellectually, spiritually, and emotionally, and each time I thought I couldn't be more attracted to him, he'd say or do something to prove me wrong." From her expression, it seems even talking about this makes her feel guilty.
"Did anything happen between you?" I ask.
She swirls the whiskey around in the glass. "Daniel and I spent nearly three years dancing around our attraction, and every time he came to visit, staying away from him became more impossible. Then, the New Year's Eve before we graduated, Ellie had tickets to attend a huge Broadway gala. On the day of the party, she had a stomach bug, so she insisted Daniel take me instead."
"Oh, jeez. Bad idea."
"The worst. The whole night was a test of our loyalty to Ellie and our self-control. Even sitting next to him at dinner was torture. I've never wanted a man so much in my life."
"I'm sure the midnight countdown was interesting, then."
She nods. "It took everything we had to not kiss each other. That was when Daniel told me he was in love with me, and he couldn't go on pretending he wasn't. After I told him I felt the same, he asked me to give him a week to end things with Ellie."
"What did you say?"
She takes a deep breath. "If I’d said yes, I would have betrayed a girl I loved like family. If I’d declined, I would have sacrificed my happiness, as well as Daniel's. So ... I told him I'd think about it." She laughs bitterly. "As it turns out, fate made the decision for us. Three days later, Ellie announced she was pregnant with his child."
"Ohhhhhh, shit."
She exhales a shaky breath. Even after all this time, it's clear the memories still cause her pain. "Daniel did the only thing he could. He asked her to marry him. A few weeks later, Ellie dropped out of drama school and moved back to L.A. to be with him. And the rest, as they say, is history."
Man, I feel so sorry for her, I take a drink on her behalf. "So you didn't keep in contact with them over the years?"
"For a while Ellie and I exchanged letters and phone calls, but it was too hard. Every time I spoke to her, all she talked about was building a life with Daniel, and even though I was happy for her, I couldn't help feeling resentful. Daniel called me just before the baby was due. He was drunk ... told me he was sorry and that he wanted things to be different." She looks down at the fringing on her dress and tries to straighten it. "After that, we saw each other on occasion, usually at events or parties, but we never spoke."
"Damn, that's cold. How could he cut you off like that?"
"It was for the best. I understood that. Daniel was a good man, dedicated to his wife and family. Neither of us wanted to ruin it."
"But now he's divorced. There's nothing keeping you apart."
She laughs. "It doesn't matter. It's too late."
I lean forward. "Bullshit. I saw how he looked at you out there. If you said the word, you could have the life you wanted with him all those years ago. A husband. Children of your own."
"Josh, I'm forty-two. I've given up on all of that."
"Women everywhere are having kids well into their forties. Why shouldn't you?"
She rubs her forehead. "It's not that easy. Daniel was with Ellie for twenty years. They have grown children together. Even if I could get around both of those concepts, which I can't, how would it look if Daniel came straight out of his divorce and started something with me? Ellie used to be my best friend. We may not speak anymore, but it's still a betrayal." She shakes her head, eyes downcast. "Whatever chance we had to be together is dead and gone."
We're both startled when a voice says, "Don't you think I should get a say in that?"
We look up to find Daniel standing in the doorway, and judging from his expression, he's not thrilled about what he just heard.
I move forward on the couch and prepare to stand. "Ahhh, so, that's my cue to leave."
Erika puts out her hands to stop me. "No, Josh, it's fine. Stay where you are."
I'm not sure if she wants me to stick around for moral support or because she doesn't trust herself to be alone with him, but either way, her expression doesn't inspire me to argue. Instead, I lean back and try to be as unobtrusive as possible.
When Eastman stops in front of her, Erika stands to face him. "Daniel, I'm sorry Marco dragged you here. If he'd bothered to ask me—"
He takes her glass and drains the contents before placing it on the table. "It wasn't his idea for me to come here tonight. It was mine."
"Why?"
He glances at me for a second before going back to her with a determined expression. "You know why, Erika. I've been in love with you for nearly half my life, and there hasn't been a single day during that time when I haven't though
t of you. The only reason I wasn't here sooner is because Ellie signed the final papers on our divorce tonight at dinner. The second she was done, I came to you. Please don't tell me I'm too late."
He moves closer, and judging from how they both lean toward each other, there's some major league chemistry going on. When he puts his arms around her, she puts her hands on his chest. I'm not sure if she's trying to push him away or draw him closer.
"Daniel, we can't—"
"Yes, we can. I'm done living without you. It's finally our turn, and I'll be damned if I let you talk yourself out of it." He cups her cheek, and she closes her eyes as she leans into his touch. "Please, Erika ..."
She looks up into his face, her resolve fading. "According to the media, you're sleeping with your latest costar."
"Untrue," he says and gazes at her like she's a work of art. "I've never been unfaithful to Ellie. We're getting a divorce because Ellie's in love with her goddamn therapist."
"Oh, Daniel ..."
"I'm okay with it. I'm glad she finally has a man who loves her in ways I never could. In reality, our marriage died years ago, and I was too busy feeling guilty over loving you to end it." He moves his hands up to her shoulders and back down to her waist. "When I told Ellie about my feelings for you, she gave us her blessing. She's found happiness, and she couldn't begrudge me doing the same. So, Miss Eden, if you have no other objections, I'm going to kiss you now."
"Daniel, I—"
He cuts her off with a kiss so passionate, I wonder if they've forgotten I'm sitting here.
"Ah, okay, then," I say, as I put my glass down. "I should leave you two alone. I'm sure you have a lot to ... discuss."
Daniel spins Erika around and pins her against one of the bookcases. "God, you taste even better than I'd imagined."
In response, Erika moans and grips the back of his shoulders. "Don't stop."
They kiss again, getting steamier every second, and when she pushes his dinner jacket off and starts unbuttoning his shirt, I hightail it to the exit.
"I'm just going to close these," I say, grabbing the double doors. "You kids look like you need your privacy."
As soon as the doors click shut, unrestrained moaning comes from the other side.
···
I stand guarding the doors for a few minutes, concerned someone might barge in on them. I'm contemplating making up a Do not disturb sign when I hear a sniffle, and when I turn, the girl dressed as Uhura is coming out of the ladies’ room and heading toward the ballroom. She sniffles again.
Shit, is she crying?
"Hey!" I don't know why the hell I call out to her, but it doesn't matter. She doesn't turn around.
I hurry down the hallway after her. If there's one thing I hate to see, it's a woman in tears. I doubt she'd tell a random stranger what's wrong, but I have to try. Mind you, with the way things have been going tonight, it seems like confiding in me is the thing to do, so you never know. Maybe I could cheer her up by talking about Trek stuff for a while. God knows, my hero suit is starting to chafe. I'd love to go back to being a geek for a while.
She stops at the edge of the ballroom and looks around.
"Excuse me, miss?" I know the likelihood of her hearing me over the music is slim, but I try anyway.
When she moves into the crowd, I pick up my pace.
I'm nearly to the end of the hallway, when I see Zoe striding toward me.
"Josh, I need your help." She looks anxious, but at least she's not crying.
"Maybe later, Zoe, okay?" I try to keep an eye on Uhura, but when Zoe blocks my path, I lose her in the crowd.
Dammit.
I guess she'll just have to survive without me.
"Josh –"
I hold up my hand. "Zoe, is this urgent? I have an important call to make."
I can tell by her expression that Zoe isn't someone who enjoys waiting. "Fine. I'll be here when you're done."
I walk back up the hallway a few yards and dial Angel, hoping she's calmed down enough to accept my apology. I'm disappointed but not surprised when it goes to voicemail.
"Hey, this is Angel. When you hear the tone, imagine it's me swearing because I missed your call. Byeeee."
I take a calming breath as the tone sounds. I'm not sure if I can find the right words to make her understand how much I regret our fight, but I'm sure as hell going to try.
"Hey, beautiful girl. It's me - the stupidest man on earth. I'm guessing you don't want to talk to me right now, and I can't say I blame you. I behaved like an ass. I let my insecurities get the better of me, and I took it out on you. I can't tell you how sorry I am." I lean against the wall and drop my head back. "I hate that I made you think I don't trust you, because that's not how it is at all. Of course, I trust you. The only person I don't trust in this relationship is myself, and that has nothing to do with you, or even Julian." When I close my eyes, I get an image of her in my mind. It makes me smile, but it also makes my chest ache with how much I love her.
I hear someone clear their throat, and when I look down the hallway, I find Zoe there, tapping her wrist. I wave her off.
"Anyway, sorry you're hearing all of this in a message, but I needed you to know that I love you more than anything, and I hate that I upset you. Give me a call back when you get a chance."
I hang up and walk back to the impatient blonde.
"So you've finished your call?" she asks as I stop in front of her.
"Do you see a phone up to my ear?"
She crosses her arms. "That seemed like a lot of groveling. What did you do?"
"Nothing that bears repeating. What's up?"
She looks over her shoulder to the ballroom, then back to me. "I need a favor."
"Okay. What is it?"
She chews her lip for a second then says, ""I need you to kiss me."
Just when I thought this night couldn't get more bizarre.
"Zoe, I appreciate that you're helpless in the face of my overwhelming sexual appeal, but as I’ve already told you, I have a girlfriend."
She looks at me like I'm speaking Swahili. "And?"
"And even though she'd probably like to smack me in the face right now, she's placed a long-standing reservation on my lips, so I can't help you."
I try to go around her, but she sidesteps to stop me. "Wait. Just listen a second, okay?"
"Come on, Zoe. It's almost time for the countdown."
"I know, that's why I'm here." She has this pleading, desperate look in her eyes that ruins my resolve to not get involved in any more drama tonight.
"Okay, what's this all about?"
She moves closer. "Look, I don't want to marry you, Josh. I just want you to kiss me at midnight."
"Why?"
"To make Jack jealous."
I cross my arms over my chest. "Why aren't you kissing Jack instead? You guys seem close."
She laughs. "That the problem. We've been hooking up for months, but once he's done with his booty call, that's it. He leaves, and I don't hear from him again for weeks." Her confidence falters when she says, "I'm sick of being treated like a fuck buddy. I want ... more."
Man, I feel like Dr. Phil tonight. I've spent more time dealing with other people's dramas than concentrating on my own.
"Have you told Jack you're not happy with the way things are?"
She looks at me with incredulity. "What, and risk him laughing in my face? No thanks."
God, this girl has so many walls, she could rent herself out as a paintball arena.
"Zoe, don't you guys ever drop the bullshit and just be real with each other?"
She looks at the ground. "That's not how we are."
"Then how the fuck do you expect to have any kind of relationship? You don't even know who you are underneath all your insults and banter."
She leans back against the wall and drops her head. "Being mean to him is easier than showing him how much I crave his attention." Her voice has gotten so quiet, it's hard to hear her. "It's ... safer."
/>
She seems so terrified of vulnerability, I feel sorry for her. "I understand opening up is scary, but only being intimate with Jack when you're having sex is like going through life eating breakfast cereal for every meal. It might be satisfying in the short term, but eventually, you're going to need some real food."
She looks up at me in confusion. "I don't eat cereal. Too many carbs."
I roll my eyes. "I'm not talking about food, Zoe. It's a metaphor for your inability to truly connect with Jack because of your intimacy issues."
"I don't have intimacy issues." Her defenses flare for a second, but then she goes limp, and she says in the smallest voice, "It's just ... when I think about opening up to him ... telling him how I feel ..." She looks up at me. "I get so nervous, I want to hurl. I'm not used to caring about anyone the way I care about him."
"Do you love him?"
She stares at me, brows drawn down. "That's the scariest part of all. I think I do."
I put my hand on her shoulder and smile. "Well, admitting it to yourself is a good place to start. Now you just have to say it to him."
Just then, Jack appears at the end of the hallway and squints at us. "Zoe? Is that you?"
I squeeze Zoe's arm. "Okay, showtime."
Zoe's expression fills with panic. "What, now? No, Josh! I'm not ready."
"Yes, you are."
"No! I can't do this."
"Yes, you can."
"Shit!"
When Jack moves toward us, I push Zoe up against the wall and kiss the hell out of her. For a second she freezes in surprise, but then she pushes her hands into my hair and kisses me back.
Goddammit, my hair's going to be completely ruined after this. The things I do for people.
To make a good show, I moan and run my hands over her body. She does the same to me. Our kiss seems to go on forever, and for a horrible second I fear Jack has stormed off, but then a hand clamps over my shoulder and wrenches me backward.
"What the fuck, man?!" Jack's face is bright red. Okay, maybe this was a bad idea. He looks like he's ready to kill me. "Get the fuck away from her!"