Deserve

by C. C. Snow

  I’m not going to use Maggie as a shield. All this shit is on me. I look directly into his eyes and say, “I don’t have an excuse. I’m sorry. I should have told you.”

  “Damn straight you should have, you fucking asshole,” Cael roars, face dark with anger. He has a right to hate me. Instead of protecting the most important person in his life, I betrayed him. By keeping secrets from him. By breaking his sister’s heart.

  His gaze locks on mine and the hurt and distrust in his eyes pack a bigger wallop than his fist. He lowers his arm. “We’re done, Rowan.”

  Air whooshes out of my lungs as if he had punched me in the solar plexus. He hasn’t called me by my last name since the first month in college.

  His voice is unyielding. “I don’t need someone I can’t trust in my life.”

  “Cael…”

  He slashes his hand through the air, cutting me off. “No. You knew how I felt about people keeping shit like this from me, but you did it anyway.”

  I clamp my mouth shut, having no ready defense. Being kept in the dark about Lorna’s illness had hurt Cael on the deepest level.

  With one last hard glare at me, he turns around and walks away, severing the most important connection of my adult life.

  Second most important, a little voice whispers.

  I laugh bitterly. Neither Jackson sibling would have anything to do with me now. Like every other aspect of my life, I have royally fucked up everything.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Maggie

  “Maggie, you have a visitor.”

  Against my will, my heart lurches in my chest.

  “He says he’s your brother.”

  Disappointment turns to alarm and confusion. “Thanks, Ed. I’ll be right down.” A thousand questions circle around in my mind, and then I recall the phone message from the reporter requesting an interview.

  “Shit,” I mutter, realizing the story must have been published already if my brother is in New York. The day of reckoning is upon me. I rush downstairs and spot Cael immediately.

  He paces impatiently, radiating frustrated rage and pain. As soon as he sees me, he strides over and yanks me into his arms, saying hoarsely, “Maggie. Thank God you’re okay. When I read that article about the attack, I almost lost my mind. Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I’m fine, Cael. I’m okay.” Comfort and love encircle me as I hug him back. This is the person who has been there for me through all of life’s tribulations. This is the brother who made sure I was never bullied or harassed in our rough neighborhood. Who stepped in whenever I needed him.

  I witnessed firsthand how our mother’s secrets had hurt him. Now I was the one causing him anguish.

  A sense of calm and resolve settles over me. This conversation is long overdue. Stepping away from his embrace, I say quietly, “Let’s talk in my room.” Silently, I lead him upstaiars.

  When he reaches to push my door open, I gasp at the sight of his busted knuckles. “Cael, what happened to your hand?”

  He flexes his hand and sneers, “It met someone’s jaw.”

  “Sean,” I breathe, making the easy connection and feeling an immediate rush of concern. “Is he okay?” Examining Cael thoroughly, I note that other than his scraped knuckles, he appears to be unscathed. Sean probably didn’t throw a single punch. The stupid, noble man likely thought he deserved whatever punishment my brother dished out.

  “He’s alive,” Cael grunts. “It’s more than the asshole deserves for not telling me about the attack.”

  I fight the impulse to call Sean to check on him. I know my brother would never seriously injure his friend and I’m not ready to have any contact with Sean. The ever-present ball of pain in my chest squeezes tightly. Maybe I won’t ever be ready to face him again.

  Steering my thoughts away from my heartache, I walk into my room, gesture Cael to sit in my chair, and take out my first aid kit. I start to clean his broken skin with an antiseptic wipe. After I bandage his knuckles, I sit on my bed, my back against the wall and my legs stretched over the edge. I clasp my hands in my lap and meet his gaze, wincing at the hurt in his eyes.

  “Why didn’t you tell me you were in danger, Mags? Why didn’t you come to me for help?” His gravelly voice is filled with incomprehension. “You’d rather go to a stranger than come to your brother?”

  “Cael, your best friend is not a stranger.”

  He dismisses my comment with a wave. “That’s not the point.”

  I take a few seconds to formulate my thoughts. The last thing I want to do is to cause him more pain. “Cael, I love you.”

  “I love you too, Mags. Which is why I don’t under—”

  “Sh…let me explain without interruption.”

  He nods curtly and falls silent.

  I take a deep breath. “For my whole life, you’ve been there for me and I couldn’t have a better brother. And a father in many ways.” I choke up and have to wait until the lump disappears from my throat before I can speak again.

  “Along the way, you’ve made sacrifice after sacrifice for me.” I flash him a warning look when he looks like he’s about to interject. “You had to forgo so many things because of me. You took care of me when I was sick. You babysat me when you could’ve been making out with Sydney Lawrence in the back of the movie theater.”

  A reluctant smile tugs at his lips.

  “You compromised on your career because you wanted to take of Mom and me. You have always been my hero.”

  “They were never sacrifices, Mags. I wanted to take care of you and Mom.”

  My eyes moist, I nod. “I know. But I’m not a little girl any more. I’m a grown woman who can take care of herself.”

  “I know that, Mags.”

  I touch my temple. “I think you know it in here.” My hand moves to my chest. “But you don’t know it in here. Do you know why your relationships don’t last longer than a few months? It’s because the women can sense they’re not your first priority. You’ve put me ahead of everything, including your own life.” I drop my hand back in my lap.

  “That’s not true.”

  “It is true,” I say firmly. “You missed your girlfriend’s birthday dinner because I had a flat tire. You didn’t attend her debut because I was sick.”

  He stands up abruptly and walks around my tiny room, looking like a caged lion. “I knew Rachel said something to you.”

  “It doesn’t matter how I found out. No woman wants to feel like she comes second in your life.”

  “I still don’t understand why you didn’t tell me about the attack.”

  “Because I knew it was going to activate your overprotectiveness. I didn’t want you to overreact and do something crazy like move to New York to become my full-time bodyguard.”

  The flash of guilt on his face substantiates my theory and I wag my finger at him. “I knew it.”

  He sighs and sits next to me. “I still don’t get it. I just want to take care of you,” he says wearily.

  “Oh Cael.” I nudge him with my shoulder. “I know and I love you for it, but I need to stand on my own two feet.”

  “You’re my sister. It’s my prerogative as your older brother to protect you.”

  “Cael, do you want me to be happy?”

  He stares at me like I’ve grown a second head. “What kind of stupid question is that? Of course I do.”

  “Have you every thought about what I want for you?”

  His shoulders droop as comprehension flickers across his face and he sighs gustily.

  “I want you to be happy, too,” I say quietly.

  He slings his arm around my shoulders, squeezing me with affection. “I get it, sweetheart, but I’m not happy when my sister is in danger. I’ll try harder to throttle back my reaction, but this was different. I could have lost you. You’re my only family. After Mom…” His voice clogging, he tightens his grip.

  At his strangled words, I hug him close and start to cry. “I know. I shouldn’t have kept it a secret
from you, but I didn’t want to cause any more problems between you and Rachel.”

  He tugs lightly on a curl. “Sweetheart, any woman who doesn’t understand how much my baby sister means to me has no business being in my life. I broke up with Rachel after Thanksgiving.”

  Filled with dismay, I sit up with a gasp, swiping at my wet cheeks hastily. “Oh no! I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t feel bad. It was for the best.”

  “Are you okay?” I ask, studying his face, looking for any signs of heartbreak. To my immense relief, I find none.

  “I’m fine. We were never right for each other.” Cael shifts his weight and slants me an uncertain look. “How would you feel if I moved to New York?”

  “It depends,” I say slowly. “Why are you moving here?”

  “Mags, I know you don’t want me to hover over you, but I can’t change who I am. Being seven hundred miles away from you is hard for me. I worry about you. I keep hearing Mom’s voice telling me to look after you. I know you value your independence and I promise to respect that, but I want to see you more often than once or twice a year. Can you understand that?”

  My eyes mist over again. My brother is a born protector and I never considered how hard this was for him. “But what about your life in Chicago? Your career? Your friends?”

  “My transfer to FDNY has been approved. And the distance won’t change who my friends are. There’s nothing keeping me in Chicago. You’re going to be here for at least a few years and I’d like to be close to my sister.”

  “Are you sure you can be happy living here in New York?”

  “Maybe. Maybe not, but I’m not happy in Chicago right now.”

  I consider him for a few seconds. “You promise you won’t cancel another date for me again?”

  “Unless it’s an emergency,” he tacks on quickly.

  “And by emergency, you mean there would be lots of blood involved,” I add.

  “Agreed.”

  “Then I’d love to have you in the city,” I say, smiling at him.

  “You promise not to hide anything like this from me again?”

  I nod solemnly. “I promise,” I say, never wanting to see the look of pained bewilderment on his face again.

  “Good,” he says gruffly and raises his hand to rub his neck.

  At the sight of the bandages, I say, “Cael, don’t ruin your friendship with…” I swallow past the constriction in my throat. “With Sean over this. It’s my fault. He wanted to tell you right after the attack, but I begged him not to. I put him in an impossible position.”

  My tongue almost gives me away by tripping over Sean’s name, but luckily Cael is too deep in his thoughts. Since Sean and I are no longer together, there is no point in telling my brother about our failed relationship. It would only cause more harm to their friendship.

  He scowls and grumbles something unintelligible.

  “Cael, promise me you’ll go see Sean before you fly back to Chicago.”

  “Fine!”

  I roll my eyes at his truculent term. Men are such immature boys sometimes. “How long do you plan to stay in New York?”

  “I took a week off.” His thick brows furrow with concern. “Maggie, are you safe from that psycho?”

  No more lies, I remind myself. At least not when it comes to this. “Leslie Ashby, the sergeant in charge of the case questioned the main suspect, but he denied having anything to do with the attack. He doesn’t have an alibi, but they can’t charge him with anything because there’s no evidence.”

  “Fuck! I’ll cancel my flight back.”

  Placing my hand on his arm, I say, “Cael, I know you’re worried, but following me around all day won’t help. Besides, I’ve already taken precautions. I don’t go anywhere alone and I always have my pepper spray with me. The main target was my friend, Hannah, not me. It’s unlikely he’ll be stupid enough to risk exposing himself by coming after me and the police are working hard to solve the case.”

  “And if they don’t?”

  I lift my chin. “I refuse to let the asshole derail my life. If they don’t find him, then I’ll carry on. I can’t live every day in fear that he’ll strike again.”

  “Maggie, maybe you can transfer to another school.”

  “That suggestion doesn’t even warrant a response,” I say, wiggling to the edge of the bed and hopping to my feet. I grab a tissue and blot at my red eyes. “Come on. I’ll let you play bodyguard while you’re here if it makes you feel better. And our first stop is the diner for breakfast because I’m starving.”

  Despite my breezy attitude, I do feel more secure with my brother’s bulky frame next to me. I can’t shake the sensation that someone has been watching me over the last month, but I haven’t been able to spot anyone who looks suspicious. I tell myself it’s paranoia, but that itchiness under my skin won’t go away.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Sean

  I stare at the picture of Maggie on my phone. She’s laughing into the camera, her curls a deep red, her green eyes sparkling with mirth. The freckles on her nose are almost invisible under the glare of the summer sun. The photo was taken a few weeks after she moved to New York, when we visited the Bronx Zoo. I hadn’t been there since I was a kid.

  She made the day so damn fun. I smile, remembering her excitement as she saw the Siberian tigers playfully wresting with each other.

  I turn on my side and sober at seeing the empty space next to me on the bed. I haven’t been able to sleep worth shit since she left, her absence a black void in my life. It has been two nights, but it feels like an eternity since I’ve seen her. Her words haunt me.

  I should find someone who loves me more than anything in the world... I deserve to find someone who loves me.

  Abruptly, I throw myself out of my bed onto the floor. I start doing push ups, hoping the physical exertion will divert my thoughts. When my arms threaten to give out on me, I roll onto my back and segue into sit-ups. Even as my abs are burning, I still can’t turn off my mind. On the verge of desperation, I pull on my running gear and head out the door. The icy air is crisp and clean, a harbinger of snow for the city.

  The apartment is only a few blocks away from Central Park. Even at five in the morning, there are plenty of New Yorkers going about their business. At times like these, I am reminded of the resiliency of the city. Regardless of all the bullshit and insanity, life carries on here.

  I put one foot in front of the other, letting the rhythm take over. The impact of each step makes my swollen jaw throb, but I embrace the pain. I run until my lungs are burning, until the taste of copper coats the roof of my mouth. Only when my right leg seizes up in a cramp do I stop and bow at the waist, resting my hands over my knees, gulping in air. Underneath my jacket, my base layer is drenched with sweat.

  I can’t settle for less, Sean. I want everything.

  Tell me why you won’t go see James.

  Tell me why you don’t get along with your father.

  All her words crowd into my brain until I want to crack my skull open to let them escape.

  Everything that has meant anything in my life is suddenly gone. There’s nothing left for me to lose. I look into my bleak future, a long stretch of loneliness, and snarl in disgust.

  I stand up, my spine ramrod straight, and clench my fists.

  It was past time I take fucking control of my shit.

  When I get back to the apartment, it’s already eight o’clock. Without giving myself time to rethink my actions, I tap out a text to Leslie.

  Can we do dinner this week?

  The reply comes immediately.

  Of course. How about tonight?

  Yes.

  ***

  “Mac asleep?”

  “Yeah, no thanks to you,” Leslie complains, dropping onto the sofa with a sigh.

  “Hey! I just brought him a few toys.”

  “Buying out the entire Lego section of your superstore does not qualify as a few simple toys,” James says as he wa
lks in with three mugs of coffee, his right foot dragging slightly. After handing me a cup, he sits next to Leslie and throws his arm around her. He looks good. His waist has expanded slightly since he left the force, but overall, he looks healthy. And more importantly, happy.

  “I haven’t seen him for a while,” I mutter.

  “And whose fault is that, dumbass?” Leslie nudges my knee none too gently with her foot.

  “Ow!”

  “Seriously, it’s good to see you,” James’s brown eyes are somber. “So what made you finally pull your head out of your ass and come see us?”

  Leslie examines me like I’m a circus freak and proclaims, “I bet this has something to do with the pretty redhead, Maggie.”

  I keep my lips sealed. Just the mention of her is enough to make my chest contract painfully.

  “What pretty redhead?” James asks.

  They exchange one of those looks that only married people share and that single people hate.

  “Oh!” James turns to me and raises a brow. “About damn time.”

  “Cut it out,” I gripe.

  “Well, tell me what made you call us up when you’ve been avoiding us for the last few years.”

  “I wasn’t avoiding you.” It’s a lie. Every time I see James, I feel a massive wave of guilt and self-loathing.

  Leslie stands up. “I’m going to check on Mac.” James’s eyes track his wife until she leaves the room.

  He turns back to me. “Tell me asshole. Who’s this chick?”

  “She’s a…” What, Rowan? Ex-lover? Ex-friend? Woman who hates your guts? “It’s complicated.”

  He barks a laugh. “That’s a first for you. If I remember correctly, you always went for the uncomplicated ones.”

  “I’m sorry I haven’t been around.” I sit forward with my forearms on my thighs and my fingers laced.

  Irate eyes clash with mine. “You damn well should be. Where the fuck have you been?”

  I take a deep breath and take the plunge. “Avoiding you, like you said.”