by M. Clarke
I had Rachel to myself, so I had to make the best of my one-time shot. As nervousness flooded through me, I cleared my throat and began to explain. “Rachel, I’m sorry to get your sister involved, but I had no choice. I’m desperate, and I would do anything to get you to hear me. After I say what I need to say, then you can decide, but we never got the chance to talk. And I’m sorry you had to find out that way. It was fucked up. What Chloe did, she…it was wrong, malicious.” Suddenly, I was lost for words.
“Whatever you have to say won’t change us, Jax. Who the hell are you anyway?” Rachel placed both of her elbows on the table and used her hands to cover her face so she couldn’t see me. When her hair cascaded in front of her, my heart started hammering faster than it already was. It felt like I had already lost her, but I had to still try.
“You know who I am. My name is Jackson Clark. My friends call me Jax, but my professional name is J. C. Actually, the letters ‘J’ and ‘C.’ I’m the model on the billboard for S. Lyon.”
That’s when Rachel slowly lifted her head and turned to me. “You’re…J.C.? That model on the billboard? The one wearing jeans and an open shirt, showing….” She pointed at my chest, then slowly moved her eyes until they finally met mine. Her look was full of questions, but she didn’t ask them. It was as if something finally clicked. “Why were you so afraid to tell me?”
“Because. I wanted you to like me for who I am and not because I’m a model. Girls throw themselves at me. They like the idea of going out with a celebrity, and some girls want to be with me for the money or just simply to get into my pants. I would never know the real reason, but with you…it was real. I felt so relaxed. I could be myself. And actually, I get embarrassed to tell people that I’m a model.”
“Be yourself?” Her voice went up a notch, then she looked around to see if anyone had heard. The lunch crowd had cleared except for a few, but they were too occupied by whatever was on of their laptops. “You forgot to tell me a lot of things, big and small. You forgot to mention you were married. You forgot to mention you have a child. And…and…you cut your hair. I didn’t recognize you.”
I turned my body toward her, and all I could think at that moment was how much I missed her. How much I wanted us to get past this quickly, so we could move on. “I know. And I’m sorry for that, but you don’t have the truth. I just wanted us to get to know each other first. You started off as a challenge, a vacation fling, but you turned out to be something amazing, and I don’t want to let you go.”
Rachel sucked in air and blinked. A teardrop slid down her face. When I went to wipe it away, she turned her face away. She didn’t want me to touch her. God, that hurt! Before I lost her for good, I had to do or say something to change her mind. “Rachel, let me explain.” I inhaled a deep breath. Getting to her was harder than I had thought. “Chloe and I met on a shoot.” Rachel’s shoulders tightened. “We were never a couple. We went out on few dates. Yes, I slept with her, but when I figured out what kind of person she was, I didn’t want anything to do with her. She wasn’t happy about that. She’d told me that she was on the pill, but she’d lied to me. When Chloe told me she was pregnant, I didn’t believe her. I knew she had slept with other men after we broke it off to try to spite me, but since I didn’t give a fuck, I thought she was making excuses to hang onto me. Just to prove that I wasn’t the father, I took a blood test. You can imagine how I felt when I found out she was telling me the truth.”
Rachel’s face softened, giving me a sympathetic look. Knowing she was listening, I continued. “I was the worst father. I never went to the appointments. I didn’t care if he had a heartbeat. I wasn’t even there during the delivery of my own child. I hated her for tricking me. I hated that she had this hold on me. She would bring Jace to the shoots, and I refused to look at him. I found myself wishing at times that he wasn’t my responsibility …until he got really sick. We thought we were going to lose him. That’s the day I started being a father. I swore to God if he gave me another chance, I would live up to my responsibility and be the father he deserved. That was the only reason Chloe and I got married. I wanted to give Jace the family that he deserved, but it was a mistake. She was a mistake. We never had a proper wedding. It was done in the court. We’ve been separated for a year now.”
I took a deep breath, as if I had come up for air after being underwater too long. “I didn’t tell you that I had a child for two reasons. I knew if you knew, you would never give me a chance, and I didn’t know that I would fall for you this hard and fast. And suddenly, Jace became a burden, something in the way of having what I want…you. I feel guilty for keeping him from you, and I also feel guilty that I wanted to hide my child.” I paused as I noted there was nothing else to say. “The truth is, having Jace in my life has changed me, made me less selfish. The world doesn’t revolve around me. I’ve matured through him. I’m a better person because of him.”
Rachel gazed into my eyes, searching for something. How badly I wanted her to touch me, even a simple tap on my arm would have been fine. I just needed her to touch me of her own free will, to let me know she didn’t hate me. “Jax, you shouldn’t have to want to hide him.”
When the opportunity was given, I lightly stroked her arm, but she dropped it as if my touch burned her. “I never did, until I met you. I’m not telling you this to make you feel bad. I’m telling you this so that you understand how much I want us.”
Rachel turned away from me again, unable to meet my eyes. “I’m not sure if I can deal with a child that’s not even ours, let alone whether I’m ready to be a mother. And you’re still married.”
Her words felt like daggers stabbing my heart. Rejecting me because of Jace confirmed what I’d feared. “I understand. For the record, I’m getting a divorce.” I craned my neck down for a split second, then popped it back up to say good-bye. There was nothing more I could say or do. The ball was in her court. “I thought once we built our foundation, you would be willing to accept Jace. I never meant for you to find out that way. I was going to tell you the day we were supposed to meet up. And why didn’t you tell me that you’d moved here?”
“I wanted it to be a surprise.” Rachel’s eyes lit up, giving me hope. “Matthew had offered me a position so I took it. I had it all played out in my head. I would tell you when we met up. You would love the idea. And we wouldn’t have to worry about the distance. But—”
“This is my life, Rachel. I had a life before I met you. There is nothing I can do to change that. If you need to soak this all in, take as long as you need. I’ll wait for you. That is how much I want there to be an us.”
“I don’t know, Jax. This is all too much, too fast for me.”
I closed my eyes and opened them, only to gaze upon her hands, those delicate hands that were folded together as if it would keep her from falling apart. I knew she was hurt and confused. If there was anything I could do or say to make it go away, I would. “I think I’ve said everything I can…so I’ll let you go.” I really didn’t want to, but I had no choice. Leaning over, since she was looking straight ahead and not at me, I planted a kiss on her forehead. I was glad she didn’t push me away. Just before I left, I said, “You might not believe what I’m about to say, but I’m falling in love with you. And I know with every fiber in me, my grandmother would have loved you.”
Rachel
Jax, I’m falling in love with you, too. The words never left my mouth, but instead echoed in my head as he left me in the restaurant. His kiss on my forehead seeped down to my toes, warming me up for a second, and quickly turned cold. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe him—I could tell his words were genuine—the problem was…me.
Chapter 30
Rachel
As much as I loved my job, going to work on Monday was exhausting, especially after all that had happened. I prayed that I didn’t run into Chloe or anyone else that would talk behind my back. Before I headed out to lunch, I took a detour to the daycare. Jace was on my mind all day yester
day. If it weren’t for the fact that it was Sunday, I would have stopped by sooner. Peeking through the glass window, I could see the children washing their hands, getting ready for lunch. One of the teachers was setting the table while the other one supervised the children.
Jace was a duplicate of Jax. With dark hair and little dimples, his eyes glowed with innocence. I couldn’t stop staring at him. After Jace washed his hands, he went to his cubby and took out a stuffed turtle that was the size of his chest. Holding it tightly, he sat on the chair to eat his lunch.
Jace was beautiful and his actions made me stare at him with awe and sympathy, but seeing the stuffed turtle broke my heart. I had thrown my little one in the trashcan, but the cleaners that Matthew sent every other week rescued him and placed it back on my bed. After that, I didn’t bother with the stuffed turtle and just left it there. Hearing footsteps pulled me out of my observation.
“You can’t take him out of daycare. He needs his nap.” I cringed when I heard Chloe’s demanding voice. Shit! I needed to get out of there fast, but I couldn’t move. I wanted to hear the rest of the conversation. So I turned the corner, away from their view, and listened.
The footsteps stopped; they must be by the door. “I let you take my weekend in exchange for Monday and Tuesday, remember? If you’re going to give me a hard time every time we switch to accommodate your schedule, then it’s not going to happen…ever. You hear me?” I could feel Jax’s anger through the tone of his voice.
“Okay. I hear you.”
There was dead silence. I thought they had walked through the door, but realized they didn’t when I heard Jax’s voice again.
“I’m reminding you again. Don’t ever feed nonsense to Rachel. Don’t give her shit. And if I find out you’re spreading rumors or lies about her, I swear to you, I’ll apply for full custody.”
“Okay.” She exhaled a breath as if it was too much for her to deal with. “Pick her over the mother of your child.”
I heard an unpleasant growl. It might have sounded hot to my ears, but knowing it was out of frustration, I had to find humor in that. “Just because you gave birth doesn’t make you the mother. You’re just his mother by blood. It’s how you raise and love your child that makes you the mother. And don’t you fucking put lies in Jace’s head either.” Another irritated hiss echoed through the hall, a little bit louder this time. Then they were gone.
After having lunch with one of the interns, I headed back to my office. Being that it was an easy day today, I had to prepare for tomorrow’s shoot. First thing I saw on my desk was a note and the lens cap I had dropped the day of the fiasco. I had gone back to look for it, but couldn’t find it.
Rachel,
You dropped this.
This belongs to you.
I belong to you.
Don’t drop me.
Jax
Seeing Jace, my heart had softened, and hearing Jax looking after me lifted my mood somewhat. But reading the note put an unexpected smile on my face. I wish you solely belonged to me.
**
I was pretty sure I had read the agenda for today correctly, but apparently I hadn’t. When I saw Jax in the studio wearing a white robe, I was shocked and didn’t know if he was there for business or pleasure. Without a word, I turned to Shane. It was the first time I had seen him since the day he’d witnessed my embarrassing moment, but he didn’t say anything about it.
“Rachel,” Shane greeted me by placing a kiss on my cheek.
I heard a low growl from Jax indicating he didn’t like that at all. I wasn’t trying to make him jealous, but I liked the fact that it bothered him. There were also other models around us as well. I went up to them and discussed our plans.
Jax smiled at me, then it turned into a frown when Chloe walked in with Jace. She sat him on a chair with a bag of snacks in his hand. Why she didn’t take him to the daycare I had no idea. She must have had a motive.
“Let’s get this over with, shall we?” Chloe snipped without a glance my way. She made me feel so small, like I was nobody and she was the star.
After a few rounds with Chloe and Shane, then with the other models, I thought I was done until Jax cleared his throat. “You forgot me.” He tried to hold my hand, but I wouldn’t let him. Not that I would have in the first place; it was not professional.
“You’re not on my agenda,” I said as calmly as I could. “I thought you worked for S. Lyon exclusively?”
“I do, but S. Lyon has teamed up with the Knights for the fall catalog. I’m supposed to be on the front page of September.” Jax handed me the new agenda. “Your director told me to hand this to you.”
“Thanks.” I skimmed through it until the end. And sure enough, Jax was telling me the truth…not that I didn’t believe him. I had to read it five times when the shot was requested on the bed. It didn’t sound so bad, and I knew I could handle it until I heard that awful voice.
“He’s not the only one,” Chloe stepped in. “Come, J.C., let’s do this like the good old days. This is how we met, remember?”
Jax didn’t say a word. Narrowing his eyes at her as if to give her a warning, he stepped away from her. “You’re not on the shoot,” he fired.
Chloe handed her paperwork to me. As much as I wanted to burn it after reading the specific direction of the shoot, she was telling us the truth. And I didn’t know if I was going to be able to do this.
“Naomi got sick, so I’m replacing her. It should have been mine in the first place,” Chloe snapped.
“Let’s get started,” I said, getting my camera ready, trying to be professional.
When Jax took off his robe, I had to hold on tight to my sex drive. He was making me feel all sorts of hot flashes. Seeing him almost naked brought back the happy memories of us in Kauai. Wearing only S. Lyon boxers, he lay on the bed as if he was sleeping, just as described on the paper. He knew exactly what to do, and so did Chloe when she got on top of him. Stripped down to only her underwear and an S. Lyon T-shirt, she pressed on Jax’s chest.
It was a very sexy shoot, but the way Jax was careful about not exposing Chloe too much told me he had done this type of shoot before. I knew he was only being professional when his hands were placed on certain parts of her body, but I could tell she was enjoying this way too much. Her unnecessary moans made me click even faster. Thank God I didn’t have to direct them as much. Jax knew what to do, but it was too hard.
“We’ve taken enough.” Jax lightly pushed Chloe off him, causing her to bounce on the mattress. Her facial expression told me she was annoyed by that.
“Done,” I said at the same time he spoke, and got the hell out of there as fast as I could. If I had stayed one minute longer, I probably would have burst into tears. Now the images of their molding together would be implanted in my mind. Though Jax did look uncomfortable and stiff, Chloe was taking advantage of this situation. I prayed I got a shot that Matthew would approve of. I didn’t think I could do this again.
Chapter 31
Rachel
Having endless mixed emotions running through me, without thinking, I texted Shane back and agreed to have dinner with him. He was obviously not Jax’s friend, or he would have steered clear from me. Needing a distraction to help clear my head, I thought it was a good idea.
Watching the time, I freshened up as fast as I could. Shane would be there in thirty minutes. It was plenty of time since I was going to change into a casual dress. When there was a knock on the door, I looked at my watch again. Shane was really early. Had I gotten the time wrong?
“You’re early.” I swung the door open without seeing who it was. That was stupid of me; however, I had left Shane’s name with the security guard downstairs. To my surprise, Jax appeared before me.
“Hi.” He looked a bit nervous. Next to him was Jace. “Say hi to Rachel, Jace.”
“Hi,” Jace said in the cutest voice; it was the first time I’d heard him speak. He reminded me of Connor. In his arms was the stuffed turtle, and he
was dressed in the same jeans and T-shirt as Jax. How cute!
Too stunned to see them, I said nothing at first until Jax spoke again. “I never got the chance to formally introduce you to my son. I was in the neighborhood, so I thought I’d stop by.”
Jax was brave and smart. He probably knew I might slam the door on him, but knew I couldn’t do it if he had Jace with him.
“Here.” He handed me a bag. “Mangos. They’re organic.”
“Thank you, but you didn’t have to.” He put a smile on my face as I accepted the bag and placed it down. “Jax, it’s not a good time. I’m on my way out. And how did you know I live here? Wait. Don’t tell me…it was my sister.” I was so mad at Becky that I hadn’t called her, and she hadn’t bothered to call me because she knew I would say a few words she wouldn’t like. Of course I’d forgive her, but now I had two things to be mad at her for.
“I won’t tell. I’m good at keeping secrets, but you already answered your questions.” He gave a light chuckle.
“Then you’re really not good at keeping secrets. You just told me without really saying it.” I returned a small snort.
His dimples showed when his lips curled, making me smile back. It was good to exchange something warm, something real between us.
“It’s not a good time to talk,” I said, breaking the comfort between us.
“Okay, but could Jace use the bathroom?”
How could I say no? “Sure.”
“Where are you going?” It was the first question he’d asked since he entered, checking me out.
I didn’t want to lie. “On a date.”
Jax froze, his body stiffened, and his face turned pale. There was a dead, awkward silence.
“The bathroom is by the kitchen. The first door on your right,” I said casually, unable to look him in the eyes. I knew I had hurt him.
Jax came back with Jace after a few minutes. “Could you watch him while I make a quick phone call?”