by M. Clarke
“Sure.”
Jax bent down to Jace’s level. “I need to make a phone call. Stay with Rachel. She’ll take good care of you.”
Jax went to the living area while I held Jace’s hand and led him to the kitchen.
“Would you like something to drink?” I opened the fridge. Jace shook his head. Then I opened the cabinet and quickly glanced to see what I had to offer. “Would you like to eat a cookie?” Jace lit up with a huge smile, showing his small dimples. He was such a beautiful child. With long eyelashes and big brown eyes like Jax’s, his plump cheeks made me want to bite them. I wanted to squeeze him, too. When I offered it to him, he took it and bit into it.
“How old are you?” I thought I’d strike up a conversation.
“Twee.” He held up three fingers.
I chuckled lightly from the way he said three. It was too adorable.
“Does your turtle have a name?” It was smaller than the one he’d had at the daycare. In fact, it was the same size as the one Jax had given to me.
Jace nodded with his mouth full.
“What’s its name?”
“Wachel.” He paused and pointed. “This is Daddy’s turtle. He let me hold it. Mine is at my mommy’s home.”
As air settled in my lungs from the shock of the turtle’s name, a part of me was elated and part of me just didn’t know what to feel. I didn’t know Jax had sneaked back into the kitchen until I was startled by his tone.
“Jace!” Jax called, looking extremely worried. “Does that cookie have nuts in the ingredients?” Jax grabbed the bag from my hands and started mumbling as he read. When he placed the bag on the counter with relief, he explained, “Jace is allergic to nuts. We found out the hard way. He gave me a kiss after I had eaten Tai food. He’s so sensitive to it that even touching can cause a reaction. We’re always careful.”
“I’m so sorry, Jax. I didn’t mean to scare you. I was just trying to warm up to him.”
Jax lit a huge satisfied grin. “Thanks. I should have warned you, but I didn’t know you would go out of your way to feed him.”
“He’s beautiful. He’s lucky to have a caring father.”
“Thanks.” Then a long silence filled the air. “You want to go out to dinner with us?”
“I…I um…have a date, remember?”
Jax took a step, causing me to back up by the sink. The familiarity of his scent and his body was driving me insane. Heat brewed inside me, and all I could do was stop myself from melting into him. My body wanted him. It had already surrendered the moment he passed the no passing zone, but my mind fought harder to stop what my body wanted. It wasn’t going to happen.
“Rachel.” The puff of his breath against my cheek sent aching shooting pains down my body. “Don’t go. Come to dinner with Jace and me.”
“I can’t. Shane is almost here.” I shot my eyes down in fear that I would lose control and jump in his arms. Jax had no idea that I had no intention of having a relationship with Shane. In fact, I’d made sure Shane understood that this wasn’t a date, but just two friends going out to dinner.
“Shane!” Jax was angry. His shoulders tightened and his fists rounded into balls against the cabinet. “You don’t even know him. He’s a snake. He’s not good enough for you.”
“And you are?” I fired back. “I don’t know you. At least he hasn’t lied to me.”
Jax’s brows angled and his lips were tight in a straight line. “Why? Why are you punishing us?”
“I’m not,” I retorted, piercing him with my eyes. It was the first time he looked at me that way…so much anger…maybe even disgust.
His lips twitched, as if he were fighting to stop himself from speaking, but he said it anyway. “I thought you were stronger than that. You’re not even trying to give me a chance. You’re pushing me away.” He backed away, raking his hair back. “I guess Kauai meant more to me than it did to you. I was wrong about you…about us. Deep down inside, I always knew you were going to be my first heartache. I was just an idiot to believe I was wrong.”
The shock of his words left me speechless. What I wanted to say to him ran through my mind, but never reached my mouth. Jax picked up Jace and looked at me when Jace started yelling, “Wachel. Wachel. Wachel.” Jace was pointing to the floor. He had dropped the stuffed turtle when he was picked up.
Jax picked it up and started to head out of the kitchen. Just before, he stopped in front of me. “The person I thought you were would have overlooked that I have a child. She would have opened her arms to him. I’m not looking for a mother to take care of him. I know how to take care of my son. What I was looking for, and thought I had found, was my soul mate. The one I would love and be with forever. I guess I was wrong about you.” His tone was sharp and cold, but I didn’t blame him. I had hurt him more than I thought I ever could.
All I could do was stand there as my body took in the shock of his words. He was right. I was punishing him and us. Too busy thinking about how I was betrayed and letting my pride get the best of me, I had forgotten how it would affect Jax. But how could I think about that when I wasn’t sure? Everything happened so fast. All I wanted was to date lots of guys and see what I wanted…but Jax had crashed into my life unexpectedly. The truth was, the best part about life was the unexpected happy moments. Those were the best kinds. Those were the ones that stayed with you till the end.
I heard the door open.
“J.C.?” It was Shane’s voice. Shit!
Worried what Jax would do, I ran to the door. Jax didn’t return Shane’s greeting. “You two deserve each other,” he said to Shane, then he looked over his shoulder at me. “Have a nice life.”
His words were like daggers, stabbing my heart over and over again. I didn’t know what hurt the most: finding out he was married with a child or having Jax hate me that much. I knew at that moment I had lost Jax for good. His tone said it all. We were over. It was final.
When Jax and Jace were no longer visible, Shane broke me out of my trance.
“Rachel, you okay?”
I peered up to Shane as my eyes glistened with tears. “No,” I whimpered.
Chapter 32
Rachel
How ironic this situation was. I was mad at Jax, and now, Jax was mad at me. How did we get all twisted and damaged? No matter how hard I tried not to think of him, my mind automatically did what it wanted. My heart wanted Jax. I wanted Jax. Unfortunately, it was too late. How do you fix something that had shattered into so many messy pieces that it was impossible to glue back together?
A week went by and it was difficult to bear without a text from Jax. Even when I was mad at him, and even when I wouldn’t return a text or a phone call, he would always leave a sweet message for me. I’m sorry. I’m thinking of you. You’re on my mind. You can punch me a thousand times, just don’t hate me. I’m looking at the pictures of us in Kauai. I’ll buy you lots of mangos. And now…I stared at a blank screen.
For five days in a row, I stopped by the daycare and observed Jace. He waved at me a couple times when he saw me. I didn’t know why, but watching him made me feel better, like somehow I felt connected to Jax. And every day, I grew fonder of Jace.
I wanted to embrace him and tell him it was okay when he accidently bumped into his friend and fell. I wanted to wipe his tears when another child took his toy. The immature side of me wanted to knock some sense into the bully. And somehow, I was getting attached to Jace. I thought about him daily, more frequently, just as much as I thought about Jax. The thoughts of them came in pairs in my mind. But…could I be a mother to a child that was not my own? Would I be a good mother in the first place?
I recalled Becky telling me she believed no one was really ready to be a parent. I certainly wasn’t ready, but that didn’t mean we couldn’t take the first step and see where life would lead us.
Unfortunately, sometimes you had to lose someone in order to appreciate what you had. I missed Jax. No matter how many times I told myself that I didn’t, i
t was impossible. Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, he was all that I could think of. I tried to call him, but every time I had the courage to call, I would hang up, or every time my fingers danced on the keys to text, I could never push the “send” button. What could I say to make this right? I wouldn’t know where to start.
I loved my job, but it was a torture to go to work. Thank God I didn’t have to work with Chloe. Looking at my memo, I found out she was on an assignment with another photographer at a park in Santa Monica. Though I had no idea where Jax was, I assumed he was working somewhere. I’d found out Jax was everywhere—on the cover of Fitness magazine, inside Vogue, not to mention numerous billboards. I had no idea how big Jax was, not that it mattered. Jax had long hair when I met him. He looked like a sexy bum. It was the reason why I would never have known he was J. C. But would I have put two and two together back then? And if I had known who he really was, would my feelings have been different?
I turned away from the window. Seeing the clear sky and the fabulous view didn’t do anything for my mood, and the warm sun gave me no warmth. I wanted to go back to bed and mope, but instead I made a sandwich and sat at my dining table. Not having much appetite, I picked at it until my phone rang.
“Hello.”
“How long are you going to stay mad at me?” Becky asked. “I thought I was the stubborn one in the family, but you are some piece of work.”
“I’m sorry. I was going to call you. I got really busy. I’m not mad. I’m just….”
Somehow Becky always heard right through me. It’s like she had a crystal ball in front of her, and she could see me with teary eyes. “What’s wrong?”
I started to tell her, and the more I unfolded my side of the story, the more I welcomed my tears. Not having a lot of experience in relationships, I didn’t know how to deal with roadblocks. I only knew how to block it all out and run away from them.
“You need to tell him, Rachel. You need to tell him how you feel or it will really be over. Right now, he’s hurt and angry. I can’t believe he stuck around that long for you. You pushed him to the edge and forced him to jump. You’d better throw the rope down and catch him or someone else will. Listen to your sister. I have been through some hard times before. Pride and stubbornness won’t get you your man. It will only bring you pain and regret.”
“Okay.” My courage was building. Becky had a way with words to give me strength. “I’ll talk to him. And Becky….”
“Yes.”
“Thank you.”
“Any time. What are big sisters for?”
“To knock some sense into little sisters.”
Becky released a small sigh. “It’s okay, Rachel. We all have bumps along the way. The important thing is to learn and grow from them. I’ve had many bumps in my life. Thank God I had Jenna.”
“Sorry. I wasn’t much help.”
“You were in college without much experience. I didn’t want to burden you with my problems.”
“But still—”
“Don’t worry about the past. Hang up and go get him. And I can’t believe he’s one of the S. Lyon models. Holy shit, Rachel. He’s hot. Don’t tell Matthew I said that.” Becky snorted.
I laughed with her. “Now I have something to dangle over your head.”
“Ha, ha.”
“How’s Addison?”
“She’s great. We’re working on the alphabet.”
“Already? My goodness.”
“We gotta start them when they’re ready. She loves reading books.”
“Hmmm…I wonder where she gets that from? Anyway, are we still on for dinner this Sunday?”
“Yup. Jenna and her family will be there, too. I’ll see you in two days.”
“O-kay. And Becky,” I paused, “thanks again.”
“Always. Love you.”
“Love you, too. Bye.”
I built up my courage and did what Becky suggested, but there was no text or call from Jax. Even being at Becky’s house, no amount of family time could distract me from thinking of Jax. I must have been aloof, the reason Becky kept looking at me without a word, until….
“Did Jax call?” Becky asked. Standing by the sink, I started doing the dishes. “You know I have a dishwasher, don’t you? You’ve used it before.” Becky was trying to lighten the mood, but it wasn’t working.
“No,” I replied, staring at the water running on the dish I was holding under the faucet.
“I’m sure he’ll call. Just give him time.”
“Everything okay?” Jenna asked, placing more dirty dishes inside of the sink.
“Everything will be fine,” Becky answered, giving Jenna the eye, letting her know she’d talk to her later. Jenna and Becky were like sisters, but there were times when I wished Becky didn’t tell Jenna everything, especially about my life.
“Mommy.” Addison tugged at Becky. “Ice cream.”
“Okay, Addy. Go ask Daddy.”
Matthew walked in with a concerned look on his face, but Becky was so busy fussing with Addison, she hadn’t seen him walk in until she peered up. “Speaking of Daddy. Addison wants some ice cream. I’m sure Connor will want some, too. Can you help her?”
“I will. I just wanted to let you know that Hendrix is on his way. He sent me an email. He’s taking the first flight to Los Angeles from New York. He didn’t tell me the reason.” Matthew turned to me. “Did Stacey say anything to you?”
“No.” Ever since Jax and I started having problems, I’d kept a little distance from Stacey. When I spoke to her, we didn’t talk about Jax. I also didn’t want to bother her while Hendrix was visiting her in New York.
“It’s probably nothing.” Becky guided Addison to the freezer. “The problem with the way men communicate…it’s always short and vague.”
“True,” Jenna agreed.
“Are you having a meeting without me?” Max entered the kitchen with Connor.
“Of course not, babe.” Jenna positioned herself into his arms.
It was so sweet the way Max always looked at her. In a way, it reminded me of the way Jax used to look at me. Now that memory was replaced with so much anger and maybe even hatred.
“Matthew was talking about Hendrix,” Jenna continued.
“Hendrix. You mean Jackson, Hendrix. Hendrix Clark?”
We all looked at Max, confused. It was the way he went about asking the question that got us all baffled.
“See what I mean.” Becky snorted. “It’s confusing.”
We all had a good laugh.
“He’s probably telling you he’s visiting Jackson or Jax or whatever his name is. His brother,” Max suggested.
“His work name is J. C. His agent contacted me for the front page. Rachel took the shots. She did an awesome job.” Matthew winked at me.
“I saw those. They’re amazing, Rachel,” Jenna praised. “I’m working with my staff to get it out soon.”
“Thank you, Jenna.”
“Is he married or engaged?” Max asked. “Hendrix needs to keep you up to date.”
Matthew shrugged. “I don’t talk to Jackson. It’s hard enough for Hendrix and me, let alone his brother. I never asked.”
“But Hendrix was one of your groomsmen.” Becky threw up her hand in the air. “See what I mean.”
“Men don’t talk and spill out their problems the way women do.” Matthew wrapped his hands around her waist and nibbled on her neck. “I am all man and a god in bed.”
“Yes, you are.” Becky humored him.
“Children here,” Jenna whispered out loud. “Keep it PG please.”
Chapter 33
Rachel
I had a rough night. Tossing and turning, my mind reeled with horrible thoughts. It was nothing new. Ever since I’d found about Chloe and Jace, I lacked sleep.
The next morning, instead of heading to my office I went to see Jace. I had to know that everything was fine. When I peeked through from my usual spot, he was nowhere to be seen. At first I thought
I was rushing to find him, but when I searched for him again and there was no Jace, I started to panic.
Surely everything was fine. Perhaps Chloe or Jax, or both together, decided to spend the day with him. A sickening feeling crept through me. What if something had happened to Jax? What if Jax and Chloe decided to make things work? They had a child together, after all.
“Can I help you?” a soft voice asked. One of the daycare supervisors stuck her body halfway out the door.
Startled by the voice, my chest leapt and slammed back in. I was at a loss for words at first as I contemplated whether to ask her the question I was not privileged to know. “I was looking for Jace.”
“Oh. He’s not here today. Are you his aunt or relative? Are you on the emergency contact list? ”
“I’m a friend of Jax, his father. I also work here. I’m Rachel, one of the photographers.”
“Oh. Why didn’t you say so? I’m Melissa.”
Not knowing if she would answer, I had to ask. “Do you know why Jace isn’t here today?”
“I’m not allowed to say, but since you work here, I don’t see why not. Jace was taken to the emergency room yesterday. I don’t know why. I received the message this morning. I hope he’s okay.”
My heart dropped, and I felt blood rush to my face so fast that I lost my breath. “Do you know which hospital?”
“I’m sorry. I don’t know.”
“Thank you. I appreciate you telling me.” I took off. Heading to my car, I left a message for the secretary of our department, Stacey, Hendrix, and Becky.
Hendrix told me the name of the hospital, where he was at PICU, and Stacey and I had a long talk on the phone about everything that had happened between Jax and I as I drove to the hospital. After I parked, I ran inside. Getting the information I needed, I stepped inside the elevator, then wondered what the hell I was doing there. Jax didn’t want to see me. He hated me right now. I had made it clear to him that I didn’t know if I could handle having a relationship with him when a child was involved, but he didn’t know that I was starting to care for Jace. He didn’t know I had gone to see his son; he didn’t know how I felt.