by David Vann
“Scary how that philosophy still holds true today,” Mark says, “but, again, you see his high level of thinking versus the average person.”
“He’ll go down in history, right?” Mark says about Steve. “I always wondered too, as weird as it sounds, not did it for people, but . . . We had a fascination with school shootings from the point of Cho, how he got away with thirty-two victims or whatever he did. And how he missed some victims and his gun locked and all that stuff, right? And how he had backups and stuff. So Steve was very well-versed in the methodology of how to successfully pull it off. So he knew to have the right weapons, what weapons wouldn’t jam. We had conversations in the past—and this was brought up with the school shootings—if you’re going to do a school shooting, why go to classrooms when you could do it in an auditorium, when you have more potential to get targets. So obviously he took that into consideration, too. An auditorium would be the best pick because people are going to be all in disarray and running all around and you’re not going to be able to escape, for the most part . . . And he knew that. He knew he could get in from the back and set himself up, right, because you’re not going to be able to carry a shotgun . . . [from the front]. He knew the right actions to take, the right methods. He obviously was smart enough to know that the police would be on hand within a few minutes. So he knew that he only had a few minutes to do as much damage and get rid of himself. Because he’s not one to . . . he would never be one to be taken into custody. Just knowing his personality. And he wouldn’t want to go down with the satisfaction of someone shooting him. So he’d rather take care of himself and get it done with.
“I feel that maybe it wasn’t for recognition,” Mark continues, “but maybe because he studied these people and saw what they did, and he knew that Cho had mental illness as a kid . . . I think that one of the Columbine kids was taking Prozac. Maybe he just saw some similarities in that. And he figures go out and show, you know? He could have just gone there on stage and killed himself and it would still have been tragic, and it would have been for everyone there, to see that and view that and live with that for the rest of their lives . . . Did he do it because me and him had a fascination with school shootings, the psychology of it, so he did it because he knew I’d hear about this? I’d be like . . . not for me, but I’m saying did he do it because he knew it would be out in the public? I don’t know. I’ve been struggling with, uh, the reason. He did a leadership guide for me and wrote these responses: How do you define success in your life? ‘Personally, I feel as though success is setting and achieving a legitimate and viable goal, without the aid of shortchanging oneself or inflicting harm onto others, be it directly or indirectly.’ Interesting, right? What do you think the most important things are in achieving such success? ‘I feel as though maintaining a moral compass and a sense of ethical conduct is paramount in achieving any degree of success.’ Interesting, huh?
“I did hear a story from one person who was sitting in front, stage right, in the front row, and when Steve started shooting, he went under the chairs and crawled underneath from the front to the back, and he could see Steve walking, like he could see his shoes walking by. So he’s crawling, against the wall more, and Steve’s looking for people. And then obviously people witnessed him doing himself.
“He controlled how long he was going to do this for, he controlled the room, for the most part, right, he controlled everyone in the room, and then he controlled his ultimate destiny, the destiny of himself. If you look at it that way, philosophically, it’s about controlling yourself and controlling your destination because you weren’t happy.”
It’s very odd to sit with Mark, Steve’s best friend, and talk about all this. Odd mostly because he’s so detached. No sign of emotion, just “curious about what went on in the mind of Cho,” now applied to Steve. He also still believes in Steve’s goodness, as do many of Steve’s friends and professors. Mark works in a corporate headquarters, and this seems a perfect place for someone with his interests to hide. He can remain completely anonymous. I sit with him for over three hours, taping our conversation, and we have months of emails and phone calls, but I still don’t know any details about his personal life.
Kelly answers Steve’s Lane Bryant email on February 3 with, “Nope, i didn’t hear of any man in black . . . fill me in on the gruesome details! im going to tell the residents that the thunder is because jesus is angry, and probably because of something they did. world domination is what i work on in my free time as well. id even take a lower form of domination so long as i could kill people with no ramifications. but thats just me.”
The next day, Monday, February 4, is the day they’ve planned for sex and bondage, but after all the build, Steve feels sick. “Hey, I’m not feeling so well and just took some Tylenol PM, as I think I may have caught a cold. I’m sorry to cancel last minute, but the last thing I want is to get someone else sick.” Perhaps Steve is having stomach trouble as well. Stress and anxiety have always given him bowel problems, and he’s decided now to commit mass murder and suicide, so that must have an effect. He responds to Kelly’s “i hate contemporary theory more than i hate Mexicans . . . and thats a lot” email with “I rarely get sick, but when I do, it’s usually pretty bad. I’ll spare you all of the wonderful details!”
He buys from Bounty Hunter and Top Gun Supply, and he writes a check to himself for $3000 cash, then changes it to $3001. He also buys a spring-assisted knife. The next day, February 5, he keeps buying. Two nine-millimeter magazines and holsters from Able Ammo. He pays extra shipping costs for second-day air and goes to a Marilyn Manson concert that night with Jessica. On the way there, he asks her, “What do you think happens when we die?”
He describes the Manson concert in an email to Kelly on February 11, three days before the shooting. He’s been planning mass murder for at least eight days at this point, but he’s still chatty: “By the way, did I mention that Manson was AMAZING live. Probably the best part was him burning a bible on stage. On a hilarious side note, some of the audience members were Neo-Nazi party members and held up a 3rd Reich (Nazi) flag throughout most of the concert. The minimum wage black security guards and illegal aliens (the security at the Aragon Ballroom is outsourced/privately contracted out) were not happy about this, but the guys told the security to fuck off. It was quite entertaining. Seriously, though, the antichrist superstar logo kind of resembles a swastika. Well, be sure to keep in touch, and don’t forget about me.”
Mark knew about the Manson concert, also, “but again, that was something I didn’t tell the cops, because they would blame it on Marilyn Manson. Steve respected Manson as well. He asked me to go, and in hindsight I should have gone, but he sent me this email: ‘I went to his concert on Feb 5th, in Chicago . . . I’ve always wanted to see Manson live. I’ve always enjoyed his music, because beyond the initial shock value, all of Manson’s music is a criticism of contemporary politics, religion, and especially media in some way. If you ever get a chance, check out his autobiography. Jessica has it, and it’s very engrossing. A lot of his views make sense, but we are obviously obfuscated by his media image. Many casual observers don’t realize that most of his music is a euphemism for broader issues. Example: the song Dope Show has nothing to do with drugs at all but rather the zombifying effect of media icons on our consciousness. Although that is precisely his point, he wants to be a hyper-ironic figure that knocks the hypocrisy of humanity.’ When you see his writings, you can see that he just analyzed Manson probably the best I’ve ever seen it.” And Manson is perfect for school shooters, because he confuses the concepts of suicide and murder: Shoot myself to love you. If I loved myself, I would shoot you. What if suicide kills?
JESSICA SAYS THEY HAD A BLAST AT MANSON. She didn’t suspect anything was going on. But as Manson sings “Last Day On Earth,” Steve knows this is coming soon. The next day, February 6, he goes to Tony’s Guns and Ammo. He calls ahead, to make sure Tony will be open, and arrives a little after 5:00 p.m.
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sp; Steve looks at the display cases. He tells Tony, “I heard that a Glock is a good brand.” In fact, his godfather, Richard Grafer, has warned him against buying a Glock, but Steve is interested anyway, specifically in the Glock 19, a nine millimeter. Is it because this is one of the two pistols Cho used, the one that did most of the killing?
Tony tells Steve it is a good brand, and tells him about the different models. He asks what Steve wants to use the gun for.
“Target practice,” Steve says.
Tony offers to call the gun representative, who can answer any questions Steve might have about the Glock, and Steve says he’d like to do this. So Tony calls his dealer, Davidson’s, and lets Steve talk with a rep. The only question Steve asks, though, is whether it’s a good reliable gun.
Steve buys the Glock 19 for $554.60. This is the gun that will kill his five victims and himself. It’s an Austrian military gun, light, perfectly engineered to kill people, its only function. He then asks Tony about shotguns, says he wants to shoot skeet.
So Tony shows him some skeet guns, tells police later that Steve buys a Sportsman Model 48. This is what Tony puts on all the forms, and he says he has to show Steve how to load the gun, tells police “it did not seem like Steven was knowledgeable about guns.” But like other gun dealers, Tony is hiding things. Steve has traded in his old guns, for instance, and Tony doesn’t report this to police. He will end up having to voluntarily shut down his business before the police make him shut it down. I think it’s possible he lies about the model of the shotgun, too, falsely records it as a Sportsman model. The first ATF reports, and all the witness reports, are consistent with a pump shotgun, the Remington 870 12-gauge shotgun that Steve was trained on at Rockville. He even took a written test detailing how to load it, and in Cole Hall he will be very fast at reloading. The Sportsman 48 isn’t a pump. Later, the ATF will change their story to say it was the Sportsman. Is this to avoid having to talk about how all the gun forms could go through with the wrong model listed?
Whichever model of Remington 12-gauge shotgun it is, this will be the one he uses first in Cole Hall, for shock and awe, for theatrical effect, to create confusion and chaos. He knows he’s going back to NIU. He makes a reservation for a Best Western Hotel in DeKalb. He takes a cash advance against his Bank of America VISA for $5,000. He buys a Gator GC Dread hard shell guitar case for the shotgun, requests next day delivery. He needs to plan everything carefully. No screw-ups like at Columbine. No bombs that don’t go off.
He wants to have sex, but for some reason not with Kelly. He checks Craigslist, the Erotic Services section, for prostitutes, and he posts his own ad there, too.
Just before midnight, Wednesday, February 6, “Katie” responds. She responded to his ad back in September, too, but they never hooked up. She’s the one with 44Ds and “cushin for the pushin,” ten years older than him and looks “more like the woman next door.” He’s not letting her get away this time, so he tells her, “I don’t mind donating or what not.” He offers to drive out immediately, with hot coffee and roses. He can be there by 1:00 a.m.
She can’t do it right now, though. Her ten-year-old son is at her house. He’ll be with daddy for the weekend, so Friday night would work.
“I’m just really horny right now,” Steve emails. He could drive over right now and they could cruise around the block. He’d offer something extra tonight.
“So you want me to blow you in the car? :)” she asks. “If you don’t mind me asking, what do you think would be ‘worth my while’?”
“I don’t know the going rate,” he writes back. He’s careful not to actually break the law in writing, and he’s frustrated, because he can’t quite get this to happen for some reason. Why won’t she just meet? They talk on the phone, but this is frustrating. She has a sexy voice, but she keeps putting him off.
He’s tired for class the next day, Thursday February 7. He argues with Sandra Thompson, one of his classmates. He finds her annoying, and he tries to put her in her place for a few minutes, but the others take her side and tell him to shut up. He’s not really focused, anyway. He feels paranoid again. They really are telling him to shut up, but he also has this sense of them all ganging up against him, and this is probably the paranoia. At his next class, in the evening, Sandra’s there again, but this time he doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t participate at all. Why is he even here? None of it’s going to matter after next week, after Valentine’s Day. He’s just going through the motions so that no one will suspect anything unusual.
He’s pissed off and frustrated that he can’t see Katie yet, so he finds “Megan,” also in the Erotic Services section of Craigslist. They meet that night at the corner of Prospect and Bloomington in Champaign, just off the highway, the same crack and ho neighborhood where he met Heather in the fall. He hates places like this because they remind him of all the shitty places he lived in Chicago with Thresholds, but at least Megan shows up. She’s with her friend “Elyse,” who doesn’t look bad, either. He’ll have to give her a call afterward. Megan gets into his car, a white Honda, and they drive around for a while, then park behind a building near the Econo Lodge where he had sex with Heather. He and Megan have sex in the car, with Steve on top. She’s nasty, but that’s fine, and they’re parked for about half an hour, then he drives her back to where Elyse is waiting.
The next day, Friday, February 8, he writes a check to himself for cash: $4,600, then changes that to $4,601. It might not track that way. He buys stamps for the packages he’s planning. He talks with Katie and finally gets her address in Seymour, Illinois. He arrives that night wearing his dark stocking cap. She’s lit candles. He’s brought cash. He doesn’t feel like talking. They have sex, and afterward, he tells her he’s going out of town.
He calls Elyse afterward, after midnight, calls Megan at 2:48 a.m. Does he meet both of them for sex? Has he been with three women that night? Has he also been with Jessica?
On Sunday, February 10, four days before the shooting, Steve talks with his father on the phone. He talks with his godfather, also, makes plans for the next weekend. He’ll visit. They’ll play chess. But this is just a cover, a lie. He needs an alibi. He tells Jessica he’s leaving tomorrow, Monday, to visit his godfather for the week, because his godfather’s health is poor.
He meets again with Megan that night at Walgreen’s. He drives behind a hotel and they do it in the car again. They’re back and forth eighteen times on the phone that night, dirty talk, and Steve also calls Elyse, which Megan doesn’t know about. Something about the secrecy is exciting. No one knows what he’s up to. He’s free to do whatever he wants, like Nietzsche’s superman. Except that he feels like shit, hates himself, is ashamed, has diarrhea, has to check five times that the car door is locked. He wants to die. He can’t sleep. Sends an email to Kelly, jokes “Hey, isn’t it black history month, and shouldn’t you be out celebrating? ;-) For my celebration, I’m watching Beverly Hills Cop 2 on Spike TV while I doze off.”
In the morning, about 10:00 a.m., he tells Jessica not to go to work. “Just stay. Just hang out with me today.”
“I have to go to work,” she says. She doesn’t know, and he can’t tell her. If she knew this was the last time they’d be together, she’d stay.
“You can write a book about me someday,” he says.
“Why would I want to write a book about you?” she asks.
“I can be your case study,” he says.
And then she’s gone. He’ll never see her again. Does he cry? She was his confessor. At Thanksgiving, he showed her all his mental health records before destroying them, insisted she read them. He told her about Craigslist. There was a time when he wanted her to know everything, but not now.
In their apartment, he saws off the barrel of the shotgun with a hacksaw. The guitar case, the hacksaw, the two new pistols, the extra magazines and holsters—he’s hidden these things from her. He duct-tapes half of the inside of the guitar case, black tape—a riddle the police will never fi
gure out. He puts the Remington 12-gauge inside, loaded. Picks up the case and it’s not too heavy. It’s strong. It’ll work fine. He leaves his old shotgun in the closet. It’s for skeet or birds, not designed for killing people, not a pump.
He’s bought longer ammo clips for the pistols. They hold thirty-three rounds each. He won’t have to reload. But the problem is they’re so long, he’ll have to carry the pistols in his hands. He won’t be able to use the holsters and hide everything under his coat. And he wants to use the shotgun first, to create confusion. And for theatrical effect. That’s Mark’s theory from their discussions about Columbine. “Personally, myself, I was very infatuated with Columbine,” Mark says, “just because of the whole process of how people did it, how they pulled it off, all that stuff. It’s more of a curiosity for me. Me and Steve have talked about it.” The word “infatuated” is interesting in relation to a mass murder. Is killing people sexy? Do we fall in love with mass murderers?
Steve leaves the long clips, leaves a lot of the extra ammo, too. He’s not going to have more than a couple minutes. After Virginia Tech, the police will come quickly. They’re not going to fuck up like that again and let someone walk around from place to place for hours.
He makes his bed, crisp, walks out to the kitchen to check again that he’s paid all of their bills ahead of time. He doesn’t want to leave Jessica with any problems. He walks back to his room and gathers everything. Puts the pistols and ammo in a duffel bag.
Does he pause and look at the Billy the Puppet mask again? Or the small doll, or the framed poster above his bed? Does he think about what he’s doing? Or does he just do it, using his OCD to move through the actions, checking everything three times?