Being Celeste

by Tshetsana Senau

  “Yeah, I was with Taboka over here,” he said, pointing to his handsome friend on his right and moving so that I could see him. Taboka gave me a cool nod to say hi, almost causing me to fall off the machine. Thabang seemed like the really friendly type. His face was just gleaming with delight, from the fact that he was trying to jog my memory, which I was pretending to have lost. “We were collecting a coat for our coach.”

  I paused and pretended to be deep in thought, trying to remember them. But the thing is, that’s what I was supposed to do. If I had jumped up and professed how I remembered them, I would seem like an available desperate nobody without a life...which I am. I shook my head and sighed. “Hmm, you see,” I began, adjusting the knob on the spinning machine to tighten up the pedals, while keeping the same speed with my legs...I regretted my choice after a few seconds, as my legs were burning like hell. I did not have the guts to turn it down because I had to make it seem like I was on my way to be being the fittest person on the planet. Besides, what kind of fat girl wants to look like they are unable to exercise in front of hot boys? Anyway, it was part of the act. “We get a lot of customers at the boutique, it’s very hard to remember who came by through the day.” That was a lie of course, but it was working. He looked a little disappointed that I had no idea who he was. I wondered if he would bring up the fact that I was frozen up like ice cream and couldn’t say a word because I was really weird. But he didn’t. He just smiled and began cycling. His friend Taboka had already begun. Thabang turned to him and told him something which made him laugh, I don’t know what. I didn’t care because it gave me time to turn down the pressure from the cycling machine. My legs were almost ripped from my body, and I was sweating more than usual. But I did get to hear Taboka’s sweet laugh, it was of an angel.

  Thabang turned back to me. “So, how often do you workout here?”

  Oh no, he’s actually talking to me. I had not planned for such an event. But I had to follow what my star sign had said and take up the opportunity. I was hoping that the opportunity would be his friend Taboka, joining in the conversation. I watched him, as I was facing Thabang, ripping through the spinner like it was a piece of cake. He had no idea that just a couple of weeks ago I had followed every update he made on his profile, on the internet.

  I cleared my throat. “Oh, Mondays through Friday.”

  “That’s cool, we do too.”

  Why was he being so nice?

  Thabang stopped his spinning machine and hopped off. He was very giant tall-like. I had never seen him in that kind of respect. And he was good looking, almost overshadowing Taboka. Maybe it was from all the attention he was paying me.

  “Well, I guess I’ll see you around then...eh, what’s your name again?” he reached for his sweat towel and wrapped it around his neck, a friendly smile washed on his face.

  Oh gosh, what’s my name? I forgot my own name. I smiled, trying to buy myself some time. My heart was about to escape from my chest, and it was not because I was tired from working out. I felt numb all over, but refreshed by all the impulsive and spontaneous events that had taken over to what seemed like a slow day. I had never had a conversation like this one before, believe it or not. I wanted to sing it loud and proud, my name; I just had no idea what it was.

  “Alright then,” he said, turning to leave.

  No don’t leave, I’ll remember it, I promise. It’s right at the tip of my tongue!

  “I’ll get it sooner then you think. My name’s Thabang, by the way.” Then he walked away, with Taboka following right behind him.

  Immediately after all that was over, I rushed to the changing rooms and ran for it. I don’t think anyone saw me leave, not even the gym staff. It’s kind of amazing considering my size, but I buzzed through unnoticed, off to see Kate at the boutique to tell her all about my amazing conversation with a guy, and not just any guy. Then I regretted not telling him my name. This is because Taboka was sitting right there, listening on to what we were talking about. He would have picked on my name. Now he just knows me as crazy no-name girl at the spinning machines. Kate was very envious of my situation, because I could see it in her eyes. She also commended me on the way I acted. She was proud that I actually carried a conversation with someone, and very well. Kate also went as far as telling me that she was going to consider my manoeuvre of not telling a guy my name so quickly in future. She says it’s playing hard to get and it makes the boys go crazy.

  I remember when I was still in secondary school and I tried playing hard to get. This boy in class knew how to push my buttons, in a positive way. It was the way he walked and carried himself around his peers. He was also not bad in the looks department. I’d say I fell in love with his personality instead of his looks; they were just a bonus. So one fateful day, the teacher made us work on the same project. I couldn’t believe it. I was very shy in class, one of those girls who hardly said a word or looked up. Although when I had to, I put a show for people around me and pretended I was full of confidence and all kinds of sophistication. I don’t want to brag, but I was everyone’s friend in class and hence, the funniest too. I just didn’t know how to carry myself when working with my first love. I’d always worked with Kate on every single project, so I wasn’t ready to move along to a stranger. He was such a gentleman, and I made him laugh most of the time we were together. I don’t know why people laughed at my jokes because most of the time I was poking fun at my size, but they found it funny, I guess. Even though I cracked enough jokes to fill a barrel, I had a glacial front towards him, like I wasn’t interested in getting to know him at all. I was playing hard to get. Now that I look back and compare my present days where I’m wiser, to then, he must have thought me a super-self-centred bitch, always talking about myself and never about him. So when Kate mentioned that term and the fact that I had used it on Thabang, I keep wondering if it was the right kind of hard to get and not the one I’ve tried before.

  “What if he likes you?” said Kate, grabbing me by the shoulders. I was afraid that she would knock me over.

  But what a question she had asked me. I had never had to answer such a question before. “Who, Thabang?” I paused, thinking about the possibility, my heart getting a jolt of excitement. “No! He doesn’t like me.” My voice was all weird and mellow. “Besides, it’s his friend I’m interested in.”

  “Celeste, you’ve got to be kidding me! Can’t you see the signs, he is into you, big time!”

  “No he’s not.” I caught a glimpse of my reflection on the mirror that was on one of the boutique walls and my heart went from excitement to disgust. I immediately lost the will to participate in my talk with Kate and where it was going. “Even if there was the slightest possibility,” I continued, “Guys like him, don’t even think twice about girls like me. He wouldn’t be caught dead with a fat nobody.”

  Kate looked rather disappointed at what I had said. “You know what, Celeste?”

  No.

  Kate dragged me to the mirror and placed me in front. “Maybe I do need to take my glasses off this time. I’m only going to tell you this once because I think that’s how much it should take for you to hear and understand it. Celeste you are a strong and beautiful woman; a ten out of ten even. Look at your face, it’s fresh and warm and gorgeous. You may be a little over weight, but that doesn’t mean you’re not good enough for anyone. The only thing that will separate you from the rest, and make a catch like Taboka notice your beauty, is confidence. You seem to be forgetting that.” Kate leaned over and hugged me from behind.

  I tried to see what she was talking about, but it was difficult. There was no point in getting me all hyped up for disappointment, something I was used to. I’m not worthy enough for a boy’s attention as fat as I am, it’s impossible. That’s why I am still single, at this age. Besides, Kate was only saying those things because she was supposed to, as my best friend. I love her so much for always having my back. But she was wrong. I was a one out of ten, even half. I always sang the song to her, but
I was far from being confident. The only way I would be confident was if I lost all my extra weight and found myself able to walk out wearing a pretty dress and feel pretty.

  I spent the evening on the couch with mum, watching programs on the local channel. Even though I thought of myself a disgusting fat pig, I am still human. So the notion which Kate had planted in my mind was just hovering in there, like a disease. All I could think about was Thabang and the fact that he could have feelings for me. So I began playing a game in the world of possibilities. I started asking myself what I would do, if it were true. Would I actually go out with Thabang if he professed his love for me? Then I really began seeing him in another light, a light which I used to give to Taboka. The light which shone on him in every positive way, I thought he was gorgeous. I could hear my mother trying to get my attention by making comments on a drama that was playing on television. It was all Kate’s fault. She couldn’t just let me live and remain ignorant to Thabang’s possible feelings. It was wrong for me to think like that. This was exactly what Kate and I were trying to run away from, doting over guys who hardly knew of our existence. Human feelings or not, it was wrong of me to be confused by something that may not exist. The sitting room was very chilly and I was wrapped in the same blanket with my mother, on the couch, pretending to be listening to the program playing on the television. My father was at his second home, the cattle post. I wonder how he survives the cold, and the quiet, being all out with nature, all alone.

  “Celeste darling, could you please make us some tea?” said mum.

  Shoot me now! Can’t a girl think in peace?

  “No that’s okay mum, I don’t want tea,” I replied, snuggling deeper into the blanket we were both wearing. I should have listened to the little voice in my head earlier, telling me to excuse myself to my room. This way, I would have avoided my tea making duties.

  My mother gave me a terrible look. I shot up and hurried to the kitchen to make us some tea.

  Chapter 13

  Kate has been gone for three days now. It was a lonely weekend, I have to admit. She called as soon as she arrived in the city and at the hotel she was staying at. The whole time we were screeching at each other through the phone from excitement. She’ll be back on Friday, and I can’t wait. Of course I’ll have to hear all about her experience, everything. Those were my instructions for her. So it was a lonely morning where I had to open up the boutique. It kind of gave me a glimpse of life without Kate. I feel absolutely lost.

  I did however have an interesting morning at the gym. All in the freezing cold, I had an interesting morning, filled with boys from the soccer team...well a boy. Thabang came over and told me he found out that my name was Celeste, Steve told him. I didn’t know how to feel about him coming all the way over to me, to tell me that he knew my name. It’s as if I dared him to go and find it. Then it hit me, maybe Kate was right and Thabang had feelings for me. I was absolutely pleased with myself, my accomplishment. I didn’t want to get ahead of myself, but I was on the fast lane to the clouds, where I found my head already checking in and having a drink. It was great.

  “So Celeste, what are you up to today?” he said, smiling like the friendly person he is.

  My heart sank to my stomach. Was he about to ask me out? I think my head started floating beyond the clouds, making me a little light headed. I thought I was going to faint. But I couldn’t. Taboka was right next to him, checking out the muscles on his arms, well what was supposed to be muscles. At that point again, I began wondering why I was so obsessed with him. He was so boring and rude and self obsessed. He didn’t even say hi to me. At least he should have done it because his friend was talking to me. Where are his manners? I only tolerate him now because he’s still so good looking. But I snapped out of my million thoughts to pay attention to the man who wanted a piece of Celeste. Look at that smile, just for me. I whipped him a smile of my own and flashed the pearly whites. I think there was a little tear at the corner of my eye, just there from how proud I was feeling.

  Right! What was I up to today? I can’t lie about my plans, but I can’t tell him I’m going to be a slave to the shop all day. Oh, but how many movies have I watched? I can’t base love on lies. Our love has to begin with honesty and integrity! “I’m going to be at the boutique all day,” I said, sweet, defining the tone of my voice. It was not too high pitched or too low, just right and modest.

  “Well, we are going to do some weight training. Want to join us, Celeste?”

  Us? There’s that word again. Why couldn’t he leave dorky Taboka out of this? But still, he wanted me to work out with him. I thought I could just die right then and go to heaven. I wondered what Kate was up to. Either way, she was going to die and go to heaven too, once I told her that Thabang wanted me to work out with him...them. He was so tall and handsome, and his manners were warm and cuddly. I just wanted to cling onto him already and make it official. Thabang had this clean shaven face and he was growing his hair out, probably growing an afro. I just nodded, to the weight training invite. It was time, my time to shine and be amongst the boys. I remembered how to use the weights and the different machines, Trevor taught me.

  “So where are you guys from?” I asked, trying to be confident. I was also trying to pretend like I didn’t already know. It would be weird, once Thabang and I began dating, telling him that I used to stalk his friend.

  “We are actually cousins, from Marapong,” said Taboka. Oh well, he speaks. The king of all the hotties has a tongue on him, a voice. If this were back in the day (two weeks ago), I‘d be bouncing all over the place, filled with excitement. “We just play for the soccer team at university,” he continued. There’s only one university in the country.

  “Oh?” I said, like I didn’t already know. But I had no idea they were related. Kate was going to have a field day with the news I had for her. No wonder they were so inseparable.

  “Yes, we are actually here for a boot camp,” said Thabang, taking over. They both had equally mesmerizing deep voices.

  “Boot camp, that sounds like fun. So what’s your take on Palapye so far?” I was leaning against one of the machines, watching Thabang lifting dumbbells to over his head. This was such a treat. I wanted to grab a bowl of popcorn and just sit there and watch the flexing muscles on a cute boy. He was fit.

  He looked like he was in agony. But go figure; the dumbbells were the size of my head. I saw the sweat, dripping all the way from his forehead, onto his chest. The sweat was also so cute. After ten reps, he placed the dumbbells on the ground to have some rest and a sip of water. As soon as he did that, Taboka took over and began lifting his set.

  “Palapye is pretty quiet in terms of hangouts and stuff, but it’s a cool place. After living in the city for a while, village life can get to you if you’re not used to the scene anymore.” Thabang took another sip of water.

  I don’t think I was listening to a word he was saying. I was just looking at his lips moving. He was all sweaty and hot. Behind him, his cousin was lifting weights. My attention was a little preoccupied.

  “Do you know any cool hangouts, Celeste?” he asked.

  Ugh! What’s with all these tricky questions? Why doesn’t he just ask me out already? If he doesn’t do it, I’m going to have such a difficult day at the shop trying to figure out whether I’m in or not. But anyway, do I know of any cool hangouts? My couch is pretty cool.

  “Um, I have to go and eh...open up my shop. I’ll see you guys.” I drifted off to the change rooms and didn’t look back. This was too much for me and I needed a break. As soon as I shut the change room door behind me, I did one mean victory dance. Shaking my shoulders and moving my legs about like a crazy person. I was popular in the gym. Kate was on speed dial. I pressed the number eight on my phone and Kate was ringing. She didn’t pick up. Why wasn’t she picking up? Oh well, she must have been in the middle of an intervention because she was refusing to have her eyebrows plucked. Her episode was going to air on Friday. That however did not ma
ke my spirits fall to the ground. You know the feeling one gets when they really have to tell their best friend something and they don’t pick up? It can be a real let down in the mood department. But I didn’t really care. I would call her when I got to the boutique.

  It was midday, lunch time and Kate was still not answering her phone. I had called her like ten times. I was kind of worried. I have never spent more than an hour without as much as a text from her. I was also becoming a little annoyed because my great news was losing momentum. In the morning the news I had for her were hot, a few hours later they were lukewarm. They would be cold in the evening and not even worth telling. I was about to pop from frustration when a customer walked in. I think they distracted me a bit because my thoughts had been bouncing from Kate to the gym. She must have been really busy then. We really need our girl’s night out in the weekend to catch up and all. She promised me that she would send pictures of herself, her new self once her transformation was complete. I would see her look before everyone else.

  The next day I thought was way worse than the previous day. I had not heard from Kate at all in two days. Not even a text or a page; nothing. I had never gone this long without talking to her. I was thinking that maybe she lost her phone. I was becoming really worried about my best friend. What if something had happened to her and the makeover thing was just a hoax. What if she had been kidnapped? It was her first time in the city all alone; I didn’t trust she had that much independence to survive on her own, or at least without hearing my voice. I started feeling like one of those people who get lost in the hot desert and are so dehydrated but there is no water. I kept checking my phone the whole time, hoping to find a missed call or something, but there was no sign of Kate. Or maybe she lost her phone. But don’t hotels have phones? When in the gym, I had my phone with me. Thabang invited me over to workout with them, but I was not in the mood. Besides, I didn’t want something to happen, something new, before I got to tell Kate what had already happened. I began hallucinating, seeing people that kind of resembled her. I was going crazy and it showed. I excused myself from Taboka and Thabang, which under normal circumstances is something I wouldn’t encourage anyone to do, but I did. I didn’t even feel like working out.