Missing Person

by Mary Jane Staples

  ‘Where’s their first ones?’ asked Dan, and Tilly showed him. Both dresses were short, both blue with daisy patterns. Dan thought them delicious. Tilly said the girls would need nice new socks, and some new vests, and that she’d get them for him, if he liked. Dan said he’d be very obliged, that it was ruddy good of her, and he couldn’t think why he’d been lucky enough to get a lodger like her. She didn’t go to pubs and get drunk, nor carry on with dubious characters. Well, as far as he knew she didn’t.

  ‘I should say not,’ said Tilly, ‘what d’you think I am? I was engaged once to a very respectable bloke, and I’d be a very respectable married woman by now if I ’adn’t changed me mind.’

  ‘Sorry about that,’ said Dan, ‘I expect you had a good reason. Still, a fine-lookin’ woman like you, Tilly, shouldn’t ’ave to wait long to find someone else.’

  ‘Don’t know someone tall, dark and ’andsome, I suppose, do you?’ said Tilly with a bit of a larky smile.

  ‘Well, actu’lly, yes, I do,’ said Dan. ‘One of the mechanics at the works. Gus Bradley. I’ll invite him along one evenin’ and get him to meet you. He’s a bachelor and might just be lookin’ for someone like you, Tilly. Well, you’ve got a warm heart and a womanly figure and then there’s yer fine limbs—’

  ‘Watch it,’ said Tilly, ‘it still ’urts me integrity to know you caught me only ’alf-dressed, and if you keep remindin’ me of it, Dan Rogers, I’ll wreck your hooter. You sure this tall, dark and ’andsome Gus Bradley is a bachelor?’

  ‘I’m sure all right,’ said Dan, ‘he’s my chief mechanic and I know him well.’

  ‘What’s wrong with him, then, if he’s still a bachelor?’ asked Tilly.

  ‘I ain’t cognisant with what’s wrong with him,’ said Dan, ‘he seems all right to me and he’s a sound motor mechanic. Like me to invite him here one evenin’?’

  ‘Look,’ said Tilly, ‘I don’t feel I’m all that ’ard-up, I don’t feel I need people to bring blokes along for me to inspect.’

  ‘No, of course not, Tilly, it’s your say-so,’ said Dan.

  ‘Still, all right,’ said Tilly, ‘I’ll ’ave a look at this Gus Bradley.’

  ‘I’ll see if he can come tomorrow evenin’,’ said Dan.

  ‘Wait a minute,’ said Tilly, suddenly feeling irked, ‘you in a hurry to get rid of me?’

  ‘Blimey O’Reilly,’ said Dan, ‘anybody who wanted to get rid of you in a hurry would need his best friend to hit him with a hammer. Straight up, Tilly, ain’t you as good as me best friend yerself?’

  ‘Strike a light,’ said Tilly, ‘ain’t you kind and ain’t I honoured? Fancy me bein’ as good as the best friend of Gladys Hobday’s Man Friday. I don’t know ’ow you can still be in love with a fat selfish woman like ’er.’

  ‘I’ve never thought she was fat,’ said Dan.

  ‘No, well, I suppose ’er spangles and tights blinded you,’ said Tilly.

  ‘Hope I’ll get a reply to my letter,’ said Dan.

  ‘You’re off yer silly chump, wantin’ to marry that kind of woman,’ said Tilly.

  ‘But you keep sayin—’

  ‘I know what I’ve kept sayin’. I know it’s for the sake of them gels, but any man wantin’ to marry Gladys Hobday ’as to be right off ’is rocker.’

  ‘It’s only—’

  ‘Push off,’ said Tilly. ‘I’ve got me supper to get before I go out and try to find a good woman for you.’

  ‘Well, look, take this,’ said Dan, and gave her a ten-bob note. ‘That’ll pay for the first new dresses and leave enough to buy new socks and vests, and thanks for bein’ so warm-hearted, Tilly, bless yer.’

  ‘You’re makin’ a weak woman of me, you are, Dan Rogers,’ said Tilly.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  SAMMY, HOME FROM the office, spent a rib-tickling time with his young son and infant daughter before interfering with Susie in her kitchen.

  ‘If I have an accident with this saucepan, Sammy Adams, there’ll be ructions you’ve never dreamed of.’

  ‘Susie, I’m only makin’ known to you me pleasure in comin’ home to me fam’ly,’ said Sammy. ‘Believe me, with your dad-in-law back in the bosom of his own fam’ly, the whole day’s been highly pleasurable. I’ve been able to concentrate me brainbox on me business, particularly concernin’ the future prospects of your dad and Freddy.’

  ‘You mean if the scrap metal business is sold, you’ll still keep the one yard?’

  ‘Well now, Susie—’

  ‘You’re up to something I’m not goin’ to agree with,’ said Susie.

  ‘Susie, would I?’

  ‘Yes, every time you start off saying well now, Susie, you’re up to something fishy.’

  ‘Might I inform you that as a highly reputable businessman, I’ve never shaken ’ands with anything fishy? That sort of thing gets around, Susie. Now, while I’m not in a position to promise all the yards won’t be sold, I am in a position to say I’m workin’ on a speculative proposition that will look after Jim and Freddy, and your brother Will too.’

  ‘What’s a speculative proposition if it’s not fishy?’ asked Susie, straining fresh garden peas, cooked to shining greenness, through her colander.

  ‘It’s a proposition I’m workin’ on, Susie, along with gettin’ Johnson’s to dot some more eyes and cross some more tees.’

  ‘I want to know more about it than that,’ said Susie.

  ‘Well, of course you do, Susie, you bein’ my legal spouse and with shares in the business. Just let me get everything tied up first, then I’ll guarantee you’ll recommend me for me first knight’ood.’

  ‘Your first? Sammy, you can’t have two knighthoods.’ Susie buttered the hot, new potatoes she’d tipped into a tureen. ‘One’s your lot, if you ever get near it.’

  ‘That a fact, Susie? I was thinkin’ I could award me second one to you. I like the sound of Sir Susie Adams.’

  ‘Sit the children up, Sammy, and stop playin’ about in your fairyland,’ said Susie.

  ‘Still, it’s been a happy day, Susie,’ said Sammy, tucking little Bess into her high chair.

  ‘Yes, I told my hero so,’ said Susie.

  ‘You did what?’

  ‘I phoned Boots at the office. He said hello, Susie, and I said hello, me ’andsome ’ero, thanks ever so much for rescuin’ me one and only dad-in-law.’

  Sammy grinned at young Daniel.

  ‘Don’t mind your mum, Daniel, she’s had a long day,’ he said.

  Supper at the house in Red Post Hill came to the dining-room table from the kitchen via the hatch. For five years Chinese Lady and her husband had lived here with Boots and his family, and she still didn’t like to mention dining-room to old friends whom she occasionally visited in Walworth. She was sure that only people who were stuck-up talked about dining-rooms. Often enough all meals were taken in her kitchen, but now and again she would get it into her head that as her husband was a gentleman, only the dining-room was suitable if she’d cooked a roast, say, or expensive pork chops with apple sauce. It was pork chops this evening.

  With everyone seated and served, the supper began, and so did Chinese Lady’s dialogue with Boots, who’d noted the covered birdcage was on the sideboard.

  ‘I don’t think I’ve seen much of you today, Boots,’ she said.

  ‘Sorry about your hard luck, old lady,’ said Boots, ‘but I think you were making beds and dusting ornaments when I finally got down to the kitchen this morning.’

  ‘Yes, I made a note that you slipped off before I could talk to you about one or two things.’

  ‘Nana, isn’t he a perisher sometimes?’ said Rosie. ‘He’s always slipping off whenever I want to talk to him myself, about me having a dress allowance.’

  ‘That’s funny,’ said Tim, ‘I was goin’ to ask him the other day about me havin’ my own cricket bat, only he wasn’t where I’d seen him.’

  ‘He saw you comin’, Tim,’ said Emily. ‘He does that to me sometimes.’

>   ‘If someone wants a dress allowance, and someone else wants a cricket bat, and someone like my better half wants me to mend a chair leg,’ said Boots, ‘I’m available for interviews by appointment.’

  ‘Oh, we’ll all queue up,’ said Emily.

  ‘I’m available myself if Boots is called away,’ said Mr Finch, whose return had been accepted without fuss. If Emily and Chinese Lady thought there were loose ends that needed tying up, they hadn’t said so. Emily had gone along with Boots’s suggestion to let the matter rest, and Mr Finch had managed to blind Chinese Lady with science. ‘In other words,’ said Mr Finch, ‘I’ll stand helpfully in for Boots.’

  ‘I was speakin’ about Boots slippin’ off this mornin’,’ said Chinese Lady, ‘I wasn’t askin’ for a lot of unsensible remarks.’

  ‘Oh, sorry, Nana, carry on,’ said Rosie.

  ‘I won’t refer to one of the things I had on my mind,’ said Chinese Lady. That, of course, was on account of young Tim being present. The boy had been kept ignorant of the traumatic family dilemma. ‘I just want to speak about that parrot you brought home as a present for me, Boots.’

  ‘Don’t mention it,’ said Boots. ‘Cassie’s very fond of her bird, old lady, and I hope you’ll get very fond of yours. It’ll keep you company when we’re all out. Why’s it in here, by the way, and covered up?’

  ‘You might well ask,’ said Chinese Lady.

  ‘Yes, Daddy, not half you might,’ said Rosie.

  ‘It’s not fit to inhabit my kitchen,’ said Chinese Lady. ‘I don’t know where you bought it, Boots, but it’s a vulgar disgrace.’

  ‘Well, poor old Percy,’ said Boots, helping himself to more apple sauce. ‘Has he said something he shouldn’t?’

  ‘Well might you ask,’ said Emily.

  ‘What I want to know is who’s been learnin’ it vulgarities?’ said Chinese Lady.

  ‘Good question, Maisie,’ said Mr Finch.

  ‘I think everyone’s looking at me,’ said Boots.

  ‘Well, everyone knows what you’re capable of,’ said Chinese Lady. ‘Even your children blush for you at times.’

  ‘Me?’ said Tim, appalled. Only girls blushed.

  ‘I’m not children, Nana,’ said Rosie. ‘Mind, I do still blush for Daddy. He’s wicked sometimes.’

  ‘Yes, I expect he learned that parrot how to talk vulgar,’ said Emily.

  ‘Well, if I’m goin’ to keep it, he’d better unlearn it, and quick,’ said Chinese Lady.

  ‘I could say I’m innocent,’ said Boots, ‘but all right, let’s hear the bird. Take the hood off, Tim.’

  ‘Oh, you bet,’ said Tim, putting his knife and fork down and darting to the sideboard. He uncovered the cage. Percy blinked, hopped about, pecked at his seed and cocked an eye.

  ‘Speak up, Percy,’ said Boots.

  Percy said not a word.

  ‘It’s ashamed of itself, I shouldn’t wonder,’ said Chinese Lady.

  ‘Who’s a pretty girl, then?’ said Percy.

  ‘What’s wrong with that?’ asked Boots, and Tim spoke up.

  ‘But, Dad, in the kitchen he said—’

  ‘Never mind repeatin’ it, Tim,’ said Chinese Lady.

  ‘Maisie, we have to establish the cause of the upset,’ said Mr Finch with due gravity. ‘Perhaps you’d like to repeat what was said?’

  ‘I’ll go to me grave before I get into the habit of repeatin’ vulgarities,’ said Chinese Lady firmly.

  ‘Percy, see what you’ve done?’ said Emily.

  ‘Bleedin’ Amy,’ said Percy.

  Boots coughed. Chinese Lady shuddered.

  ‘Well! In my own house and all,’ she said, ‘and the creature brought for me by my own son.’

  ‘’Orrible,’ said Emily, ‘I never heard the like except from hooligans.’

  ‘Oh, lor’, Daddy,’ said Rosie, who thought the whole thing a riot.

  ‘There’s a solution,’ said Boots. ‘Your grandma can teach it to say “Rule, Britannia”.’

  ‘Oh, you think so, do you, my lad?’ said Chinese Lady. ‘Let me tell you, if that bird says one more vulgar thing, I’ll cook it and serve it to you for your Sunday dinner.’

  ‘All right, old lady,’ said Boots, ‘let’s say with sage and onion stuffing.’

  Rosie collapsed with laughter. Chinese Lady eyed Boots stiffly, but her mouth twitched.

  ‘It’s like I always thought,’ she said, ‘you’re headin’ for perdition, Boots. I can’t hardly believe sometimes the way you’ve grown up.’

  ‘How’s yer knickers?’ said Percy.

  It took Chinese Lady quite a while to restore order.

  ‘Freddy, I’ve got news for you,’ said Cassie later that evening.

  ‘For me?’ said Freddy. ‘D’you mean Tottenham ’Otspurs want me for their football team?’

  ‘No, course not, you daft thing. Freddy, you really are gettin’ daft lately.’

  ‘Talk about the pot callin’ the kettle black,’ said Freddy.

  ‘I’m sure I don’t know what that means,’ said Cassie. ‘Anyway, I ’ad a letter today from the flower shop, and I’m startin’ work on Monday.’

  ‘Well, I’m pleased for yer, Cassie. I like the idea. You’ll be able to do your share of payin’ when we go to the flicks.’

  ‘Freddy, don’t be silly, girls don’t treat boys.’

  ‘But mates treat each other,’ said Freddy.

  ‘Freddy, if you don’t stop sayin’ mates, I’ll kick you,’ said Cassie. ‘Oh, and Mr Rogers ’as had Tilly lookin’ after Bubbles and Penny-Farvin’, ain’t that nice for him? I like Mr Rogers, don’t you? I wonder if Tilly likes ’im as well? Me dad knew a lady called Tilly once, he met her on a horse-bus on his way to Buckingham Palace, and she wanted to marry ’im, only me dad couldn’t, because he’d just got married to our mum. By the way, Freddy, did yer know Mrs ’Arper and her ’usband and brother-in-law have moved? I saw them gettin’ into a taxi with all their luggage this mornin’ when I was takin’ Bubbles and Penny-Farvin’ out. I called hello to Mrs ’Arper as she got into the taxi, but she didn’t answer, she didn’t look very ’appy. Freddy, we won’t be able to take Cecil to see Percy any more.’

  ‘Won’t we?’ said Freddy. ‘That’s goin’ to break me heart, that is.’

  ‘Oh, you’ve still got me, Freddy love.’

  ‘Have I, Cassie? Well, I daresay I can grin and bear it.’

  Dan came out of his house then. Seeing Cassie and Freddy at the gate of Freddy’s house, he approached.

  ‘Oh, how’d you do, Mr Rogers,’ said Cassie, ‘the girls were ever so good this mornin’.’

  ‘Glad to hear it, Cassie,’ said Dan, and told her that Tilly had solved the problem of getting the girls looked after on a full-time basis by making contact with a woman called Mrs Brooks. Did Cassie mind that he wouldn’t need her any more? Cassie said she didn’t mind a bit, that she’d been going to tell him tomorrow morning that she was starting work as an apprentice in a flower shop on Monday. Dan said the news was uplifting for everyone, and that he’d like to pay her for tomorrow morning, in any case. Cassie said how kind, but no, she couldn’t really take anything.

  ‘How about just a bob, then?’ suggested Dan.

  ‘Well, if it pleases you, Mr Rogers, all right, then,’ said Cassie graciously, and Dan happily gave her a bob. He was never short of money, his job paid him well.

  ‘And thanks for bein’ a great help,’ he smiled.

  ‘Oh, I was born to be a great ’elp,’ said Cassie. ‘You can ask me dad. And Freddy.’

  ‘Well, I’ll say this much, Mr Rogers,’ said Freddy, ‘it’s me honest opinion that when she’s older, Cassie could be a great ’elp as a plumber’s mate.’

  Cassie gave a little yell, and Freddy had to run then, Cassie flying after him.

  Mrs Brooks arrived at eight the next morning, and Dan summed her up at once as just what the doctor would have ordered for Bubbles and Penny-Farving. A buxom woman with a distinct air of motherly
warmth, she declared she’d never seen two sweeter little angels. Dan cautioned her that they had their moments.

  ‘Well, what little girls don’t, Mr Rogers? I know about little moments, and little girls. And little boys too, which are a lot more of an ’andful than girls. That’s Bubbles, is it, and that’s Penny-Farvin’? My, I never knew such a pretty way to call girls. You leave them to me, Mr Rogers, I’ll give them kind but sensible motherin’. Just show me where everything is before you go off to your work, like.’

  When Dan did leave, he had a feeling Tilly had found him a real treasure.

  Rachel came through to Boots on his office line.

  ‘Won’t keep you a moment, Boots.’

  ‘Make it a little longer,’ said Boots.

  ‘Oh, I only need to know when you’ll be taking me to lunch again.’

  ‘You’ve finished finding out?’

  ‘I’ve some very interesting information for you.’

  ‘I’m not surprised,’ said Boots, ‘you’re a very interesting woman.’

  ‘My life,’ purred Rachel, ‘haven’t I said a hundred times that your mother had no right to produce three sons like you, Tommy and Sammy? Is it fair on weak women?’

  ‘What weak women?’ asked Boots. ‘Never met any myself, only the normal kind, and I’ve had to run from some of them. Am I to receive the interesting information over lunch with you, and not before?’

  ‘Yes, d’you mind a little blackmail, lovey?’

  ‘Not from you,’ said Boots. ‘Next Tuesday, then? Trocadero?’

  ‘I should say no to Chinese Lady’s son and heir?’

  ‘Twelve-thirty, then, next Tuesday,’ said Boots.

  Emily, of course, when she was told five minutes later, said, ‘What’s goin’ on? It’s bad enough watchin’ Polly Simms eatin’ you with her eyes.’

  ‘Imagination, Em.’

  ‘Don’t make me laugh,’ said Emily, ‘Polly Simms’ll get you one day with your trousers down.’

  ‘God, I hope not,’ said Boots, ‘you know what Confucius says. “Woman with skirts up runs faster than man with trousers down.”’

  ‘Oh, yer comic,’ said Emily, and burst into laughter. ‘All the same, I hope I don’t have to start watchin’ Rachel.’