by Jen Andrews
He ground his hips and slammed into me one last time, before I came hard around him. His own orgasm ripped through him at the same time as mine.
“Oh Zoey . . . fuck, I can’t take it when you do that.”
When we were both completely spent, he slowly pulled out of me and kissed me.
The next thing I knew, he was jumping off me and freaking out.
“What the fuck did I just do?” he bellowed as he dropped to his knees beside the bed and ran his hands over my belly. “Are you okay?” he asked, looking first at me, then at my stomach again. “Did I hurt you? Was I too rough? Shit, I’m so sorry.”
He was so frantic, for a split second I thought he might need to be slapped like they did in the movies when someone was having an epic freak out. Not that I would ever slap him, but he was worrying me because he wouldn’t calm down.
I grabbed his face in my hands to get his attention back on me. “Hey, Sexy, I am fine. Chill out.”
He stopped freaking out and his eyes met mine. “Are you sure?”
I nodded and pointed at myself. “Totally fine here. I’ll tell you if you are too rough, I promise.”
He finally seemed convinced. “I love you.” He stood and kissed me on the head. “I’ll go start you a bath.” And he was back in “take care of Zoey” mode. After he returned from the bathroom, he pulled on his shorts that were lying on the floor next to the bed.
“I’ll give you some time alone, and I’ll go find us something for brekkie.”
I smiled at his word for breakfast as he turned and shut the door behind him.
Seeing steam billowing from the tub, I turned down the temperature on the water so I could get in. He knew I loved hot baths, but since I was pregnant, I had to ease up quite a bit on the temperature. Once the too hot water was cool enough for me, I lowered myself into it, submerging my body and head.
I wondered if this was how our baby felt floating around inside me.
Needing to breathe, I emerged and wiped the water from my eyes before reclining against the back of the tub. I watched the rain outside hit the windows and slowly drip down the glass, while the trees closest to the house swayed from the light breeze.
Since I was alone and away from Andy, everything that happened over the last month and a half was sinking in. I had finally found a chance to relax and think about myself for a minute. How the hell had I made it through all of that? Especially without Andy with me. He had been my rock for months, and then he’d been gone.
I knew if I weren’t pregnant, things would have surely been different. I wouldn’t be in this picturesque country, with my beautiful man.
But, I had been given something so much bigger than myself, and my own life to take care of. She was part of me, and part of Andy, and I loved her more than life. She had needed me to get him back, for us both.
Almost as if she knew what I was feeling, our little girl moved inside me. I set my hands on my stomach and gently massaged over my skin. I wondered whom she would look like when she was born. Would she look like me? What traits of Andy’s would she get?
I thought back to what my birth mother looked like. She had been pretty once, before drugs took her to the point of no return. The last time I had seen her, she’d been almost skeletal, with sores all over her body, and she had been missing most of her teeth from the use of meth. What teeth she had left, had been black and rotten.
I had no idea what my birth father, or what anyone else in my family looked like. Were any of them decent people? Did I have siblings out there somewhere? Did they know about me? If I did have any natural family out there and they knew of my mother’s drug habit, why hadn’t they helped me? Why hadn’t they done something?
I decided then, I was not going to try and find out. Now I have my amazing parents, four overprotective brothers, Andy, and my wonderful friends. They were my true family.
Once our daughter was born, I’d have my own little family.
I wasn’t sure what she would inherit from me, but I knew I loved her more than life the second I found out I was pregnant. And the fact that she was part of Andy too—the person I loved most in my life, until her—made me feel like my life was exactly as it should be.
As parents, we would give our daughter everything she could ever need.
From Andy, she would get what he had as a child. A loving family who took care of each other, cherished each other, and loved each other unconditionally.
I wondered what I had to offer her. She would definitely get more love, affection, and protection from me, than I ever received from my mother.
She would be beautiful, inside and out, without a doubt.
I slipped back under the water to wash, then stepped carefully out of the slick-bottomed tub and dried off. I dressed then stood in front of the mirror, my eyes wandering over my body as I took in the new fullness of my breasts, and the roundness of my abdomen. Even with clothes covering me, I could tell I was different. I had changed so much physically over the last month and a half.
Had I changed emotionally too? I felt stronger than I had in years, but I still struggled. I still fought my insecurities, and probably always would.
One thing was for sure, I would do anything to protect my little family.
As I ran my comb through my wet hair, I sung quietly to myself. Noticing a movement behind me, I looked up in the mirror and found Andy watching me from the doorway.
He came to stand behind me and put his arms around me, resting his big hands on our baby.
“What are you singing, Zoey?”
“‘Beautiful With You,’ by Halestorm.”
“I like it,” he said against my neck.
“It’s the way you make me feel,” I said quietly. “You see me for who I am and accept me.”
“Because I love you. You can’t imagine how much I’ve missed hearing you sing.” He moved his hands around on me. “I hope she gets your voice.”
“Thank you, but I seem to remember that you can sing too. Either way, I think she’ll sing.”
I thought back to my concerns about my birth mom and turned to Andy, hugging him tight for comfort.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” He returned my embrace.
“What if I’m like my birth mom?” I choked back tears. “What if I mess up and our daughter turns out fucked up like me? Oh God . . . I can’t be like her.”
He took my shoulders firmly and held me at arm’s length.
“Zoey, no,” he said adamantly, staring into my eyes. “Do you have any idea how strong you are? She was weak and selfish. Those are two things you definitely are not. Look at everything you’ve done in the last several weeks. You put our daughter first.”
“I just wanted you to come back to me. How is that putting her first?”
He shook his head swiftly from side to side.
“It’s putting her first because you went and saw Michelle to make sure she would be healthy. You’ve been through hell the last six weeks. You put me before yourself too, for that matter. You went out and found the answers I needed, while I took the coward’s way out and left the fucking country.”
He let go of me and slowly ran his hands through his hair, then down his jaw line. A fresh wave of guilt washed over his face, causing his blue eyes to be stricken with grief and tears.
Oh how I wished I never called him a coward before he left for New Zealand.
“I’m so sorry for saying that.” I took his hands in mine as tears spilled from my eyes. “Andy, I didn’t mean it . . . I was so furious with you. Please, I need you to forgive me. I shouldn’t have said it and I wish I could take it back. Please let me take it back . . .”
He dropped to his knees in front of me and rested his forehead on my belly. His hands gripped my hips tightly.
“You were right though, Zoey. I’ll forgive you for saying it, if it’s what you need me to do, but it’s true. I deserved it. I’m a coward and what I did to you is unforgivable. I’m sorry for putting you through hell.”
Taking his stubbly face in my hands, I tilted his head up so he had to look at me. “I’ve already forgiven you. I know it will never happen again.”
He shook his head, tears still in his guilt-ridden eyes. “No, it won’t. I’ll never leave you again, Zoey. I made a huge mistake before. Since the day I left, I wanted to come home, but I didn’t know how to fix everything. I didn’t know how to make it right. But you did it for me. You did it for us, and you’ll never have to worry again.”
He lifted my shirt up just enough to press his lips to the bare flesh surrounding our child.
“Hey, baby girl,” he said to my belly as he rubbed his palms over it. “You don’t know who I am yet, but I’m your daddy. I love you so much already.”
I loved the fact he was using the nickname my dad used with me, on our daughter.
Tears flowed freely down my face and I didn’t bother trying to wipe them away. I rested my hands on his shoulders while he knelt in front of me talking to our little girl. Once again, she was fluttering around inside me, reacting to his voice.
“She already knows you . . .” I whispered to Andy when he glanced up at me for a brief second.
He looked back to my stomach. “Your mum has taken such good care of you, but now I’m here to take care of you both. I’m not going anywhere.”
He looked back up at me, his eyes pleading with mine, and tears rolled down his face. “Zoey, I’m not going anywhere,” he whispered.
I nodded, and wiped the moisture from his cheeks. I couldn’t speak, and I couldn’t bear to see him cry.
He kissed my stomach again. “I love you, baby girl.”
He stood and pulled me into his arms. His body vibrated with emotion. “I love you, Zoey. Thank you for everything you’ve done, for coming here . . . For giving me everything I’ve ever wanted. You two are my life. Will you marry me? Here, in En Zed? I want to be your husband right away. I can’t go another day without you . . . and without her.”
“Yes, I will.” I would never tell him no, and would marry him anywhere in the world he wanted.
We stood holding each other, letting our emotional conversation fade away.
“I think she heard you, Andy. While you were talking to her and touching me, she was moving.”
He looked at me, his eyes full of wonder and excitement. “She was?”
I loved seeing the expression on his face. I smiled. “Try it again.”
He knelt down, rested his palms on me, and he talked to her again. Telling her how pretty she was going to be, but that she was going to be tough too. He told her about how he was going to teach her to play rugby, and how her mum was going to teach her to sing.
He looked up at me inquisitively.
“She’s in there bouncing all over the place.”
“I better go make something to feed your mum, baby girl. You’re probably hungry too.” He kissed my belly again and stood.
“Are we going to be okay Zoey?”
“Yes.”
He grinned and kissed me.
“Guess what I found while you were in the bath earlier?” Andy asked when we arrived in the kitchen.
“I have no clue, what did you find?”
“A note from Iria and Tamati saying they are spending the next two weeks with Tamati’s family. They want to give us some time . . . so we have the whole house to ourselves.”
“Wow, that’s an unexpected surprise. Iria didn’t mention that while we were making plans for me to come here.” That definitely made things easier for us to have private conversations and spend quality time together.
As we ate the breakfast he’d cooked, he kept sneaking extra food onto my plate, thinking I didn’t notice. I’d sneak it back onto his plate when he would look away. I told him about Adam teasing me for getting seconds at dinner, before I found out I was pregnant, and how I flung an entire serving spoon full of beans all over him for payback.
“That’s my girl,” he said as he high-fived me.
After breakfast, we went back upstairs to his room where I laid down on the bed to read while Andy showered and dressed. Once he was finished, he curled up on his side next to me and I played with his hair.
“What do you feel like doing today?” I asked.
He fiddled around with my engagement ring and kept his eyes transfixed on it before he gave me an answer I never expected.
“Can we go to the cemetery?”
The shock of his question took my breath away, but there was no way I would deny him. “Absolutely.” I quickly shut off my Kindle. He was taking me to his family. We gathered our rain jackets and rain boots, and he drove us to where his parents and sister were buried.
The minute we arrived, I forced myself to hold back the tears that were pooling in my eyes.
This was huge for him, with me being here, and I needed to be strong . . . for him.
When he stepped out of the car, I quickly pulled myself together. He opened the back door to get our boots and jackets out, and then came around to my side of the car to help me into mine.
I held his hand as we wound our way through the cemetery. He’d been here so many times he found their plots easily. There were fresh flowers in granite vases next to each one. He took a few minutes and knelt down to straighten flowers, while I read the names and dates on the beautiful, black granite headstones. Each headstone had a fern leaf etched into it, along with the names of Andy’s family.
Callum, Katherine, and Hannah Tate. All lost, March 10th, 2001.
His sister had been only twelve years old when she died.
He stood and took my hand in his.
I held it tightly and leaned into him. I wasn’t sure if I was comforting him or me.
“Mum, Dad, Hannah, this is my beautiful fiancée, Zoey.” He looked down at the headstones.
There was nothing but love in his eyes. I gently squeezed his hand and wiped my eyes. As sad as I was for Andy, when I looked at him, he was smiling. It seemed to be a happy smile even, as if he were actually introducing me to them.
“We’re having a baby. A girl,” he said at last, as he placed his hand over our baby girl.
My hand automatically covered his, joining the three of us together.
He pulled me close, wrapped his arm around my shoulder, and squeezed. “Everything is finally right in my life. We’re moving back to Sacramento soon to raise our daughter, and be near Zoey’s family . . . our family.”
I squeezed him a little tighter when he said that.
“I also found out I have another daughter. Her name is Emma. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, but I didn’t know what happened to her until Zoey came here. Emma is there with you. I hope you can find her and take care of her until I get there. I miss you all, so much.”
Hearing him ask that of his family made me physically ill. My body tightened in anguish from the top of my head, to the tips of my toes and I felt my heart sink to my stomach at the thought of him dying. My eyes filled with tears again when he told them how much he missed them.
God, what he must have gone through when they died. I couldn’t even imagine. Unable to hold back the tears anymore, I let them flow freely down my face. There was no point in keeping them from falling.
“Don’t cry, Beautiful. I’ve waited a long time for this day. Thank you for coming here with me and for coming to En Zed.” He wiped my tears away with his fingers.
Once he cleared the tears from my face, I turned to him and slipped my arms inside his jacket, and pressed my cheek to his chest, just over his heart. The steady thump against my face reminded me just how much life we still had ahead of us. I stood on my toes to reach his mouth, pressing a kiss to his lips before we said our goodbyes to his family, and slowly walked back to the car.
After tossing my jacket onto the backseat, I sat on the passenger seat and Andy knelt to pull off my rain boots. I raised my hand to his cheek and slowly rubbed my thumb back and forth to get his attention. I had a very important question to ask him.
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�Can we name our daughter Hannah, after your sister?” I asked when his blue eyes finally met mine.
He smiled as his eyes filled with tears. “Yes Zoey, thank you. I love that idea.”
Andy leaned into the car, wrapped his arms around me, and his entire body shook with emotion.
Every time he cried, it felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest. I hated seeing him so distraught.
After we returned to his house, we followed the path to the beach. We walked in silence across the sand before he finally spoke. “Do you think tomorrow we might go a day without crying?”
I wasn’t sure if he was joking or not, but I could tell it bothered him.
“I’ll try,” I said hesitantly. “These pregnancy hormones are kind of scary sometimes, so no promises.”
We continued down the beach.
“Andy, you know crying doesn’t make you weak or anything, right?”
He draped his arm over my shoulders and I reached up to lace my fingers with his.
“I know. I just feel like all I’ve been doing the last month and a half is crying or being so angry I can’t even see straight.” He stopped walking and turned to face me. “Then out of the blue, you’re here . . . And you’ve set everything right. You completely blindsided me, and for the second time in my life, it’s been in a good way. You’ve done it both times. You’re my good luck charm, Zoey.”
I kissed his hand. “And you’re mine.”
While we were here, we needed to talk about his family because after talking to his Aunt Sarah, I knew he hadn’t been able to grieve for them properly. We continued our walk along the beach and I wondered how to approach the subject carefully. I wanted to help him find the closure I felt he so desperately needed.
But, I needed him to see it and be willing to help himself.
“How long did you live here after your parents and sister died?”
“It wasn’t long at all,” he replied. “Maybe two months, why?”
I thought about my words wisely before I spoke them. “Do you think you had enough time to grieve for them?”
He looked at me curiously.