by Jen Andrews
“What I mean is . . .” How could I say what I needed to without him taking it the wrong way? “Okay, look, I didn’t know anyone in my family except my mother. I spent years in therapy after I was adopted trying to get rid of all the blame I placed on myself for her doing the things she did. I thought that maybe if I’d been a better kid, she wouldn’t have needed to do drugs or prostitute herself out to disgusting men—”
“She was a prostitute? You never told me that.” Andy stopped abruptly and stared down at me.
I could see the confusion in his eyes from my choice of words.
“She wasn’t a normal prostitute, at least not in the usual sense of the word.”
I held in a chuckle at my use of the term “normal prostitute” so I wouldn’t freak Andy out. He still looked confused though.
“She wasn’t the standing-on-a-street-corner-with-a-pimp kind of prostitute. She had certain men she would see, and in return, they would keep her supplied with meth.”
He nodded in understanding and we began walking again.
“I’ve gotten completely off the subject now.” I laughed.
“How can you laugh?” he asked.
“I can laugh because I’ve dealt with that part of my life. The blame I put on myself for the crap she did—it wasn’t right. It wasn’t my blame or guilt to carry.”
This time I abruptly stopped walking. I needed to steer the conversation back to him.
“I think . . . that in a way, you are either putting blame on yourself for the accident, or you haven’t really dealt with it at all. I’m guessing it’s a little of both.”
He seemed to comprehend what I was trying to say.
“I know you’ve been to the cemetery, but have you been to the place where the accident happened?”
He cringed and took a small step backward. I knew at that very second, I’d hit a nerve.
“No.”
In all the months we had known each other, every time we’d talk about his family, he’d be brief and almost nonchalant about everything. He glossed over their story and moved on to a different subject.
On occasion, he let his guard down and shared memories, but those times were few, and far between.
“Will you go there with me, please?” I closed the distance between us.
He clenched his jaw and shook his head. “I can’t Zoey.”
“Yes, you can.” I took his hands and placed them on my belly because I felt she might put everything in to perspective for him like she had so often for me. “This is exactly why you need to go, Andy.”
He looked away from me and shook his head again. I stared at the man who had been so strong when he helped me get myself back together. The man who stood in front of me now was broken and battered by life the way I had once been. He desperately needed my help, and I hoped he would realize it.
“Hey,” I said quietly. “Look at me, please.”
His uncertain eyes met mine.
I was getting to him.
“I think if you go, you’ll see how everything that happened there has brought you to this point in your life. I know you wish it would’ve never happened, but it did. You survived the crash for a reason. And the reason—both of them—are standing right here in front of you.”
I took a breath and watched for his reaction.
He still didn’t speak.
“You deserved a second chance. I needed another chance . . . you came into my life when I needed you most. Sure, things haven’t gone smoothly the whole time, but . . . here we are. We need to do this for us, and for Hannah.”
It was a dirty trick to use his sister and our daughter’s name against him, but I didn’t know how else to get through to him. He really needed to go to where the accident had happened. Just like I had faced my fears and my past so many months ago. I had chosen to help myself, but it was because of him, that I was able to make that decision. It was finally his chance to do the same for himself, with a little nudge from me. He was my reason, and he always would be.
He needed me to help him now . . . to be his reason.
“I haven’t been back there, Zoey,” he said quietly. “Not since that night. I didn’t even go back to school afterward.”
I took his hand and started walking back to his house.
“Then that’s what we need to do. We can go together.” He needed to know I would be there for him.
Neither of us spoke on our stroll back. We went inside and I sat him down at the table in the kitchen and prepared our lunch. I was giving him time to think about what I said.
We finished eating, and I washed our lunch dishes while he continued to sit at the table. As I stood in front of the sink, staring out the window, he came up behind me and rested his chin on my shoulder.
“I’ll do it,” he said softly.
I turned and kissed him on the lips. “Let’s go then.”
We needed to leave before he changed his mind.
As I drove to the last place I saw my family alive, Zoey kept my mood light and joked with me about how driving in New Zealand was driving on the wrong side of the road, and how the steering wheel was on the wrong side of the car. I joked back with her by asking how it could be wrong, when the steering wheel was on the right side of the car, literally.
That meant it was right. Right?
She politely refused my offer to teach her how to drive in New Zealand. It was second nature to me, so she was more than fine with me driving us anywhere we needed to go.
On the way, I played tour guide and pointed out several buildings to her. We passed a building where I went to school as a boy, a house where one of my friends used to live. As we drove, the houses and buildings were becoming further apart, which meant we were getting close. We eventually came to the long, straight stretch in the road where the accident had happened.
Off in the distance, I saw my old school and the small sports arena where I had played rugby.
I eased up on my grip of the steering wheel when I realized I was holding it so tightly my knuckles had turned white. That was when I noticed we were quickly approaching our destination. I abruptly pulled off the road and stopped the car.
“This is it,” I said quietly, staring down at the steering wheel. Pulling in a deep, shaky breath, I glanced up and pointed at my old school. “The building over there—that’s where I went to school, and I had a rugby game that night. Coach sent me to the sin bin for punching another player because he kicked me in the face while we were on the ground. Fights were a common occurrence when we played against each other.”
I absentmindedly touched the scar on my nose from where his boot had connected that night. Every day when I looked into the mirror, I was reminded of all I’d lost. It was a horrible daily reminder.
Zoey took my hand in hers, giving it an encouraging squeeze.
“Once I’d showered and dressed after the game, Coach pulled me aside to talk to me about it. I only talked to him for twenty minutes, but those twenty minutes had us running later than usual. We were supposed to meet Hamish and Sarah for dinner, so my dad was in a rush to get to the restaurant. The weather was horrible that night. It was dark, and the roads were slick from the rain. I saw the headlights of the truck coming toward us, and at the last second, it swerved and hit our car.”
After taking several deep breaths, I got out of the car and sat on the hood.
Zoey followed and her eyes scanned the area.
“Our car came to a stop out there,” I said and pointed past where she was standing.
Suddenly, she spun and walked down the small hill toward the spot where our car came to rest that fateful night.
My heart thudded in my chest and I felt the nausea rolling in my stomach. I didn’t want her to be where my family had died.
“Zoey, don’t go out there, please,” I pleaded.
She kept walking and finally stopped. Circling around to face me, she held her hand out to me, beckoning me to her. “Is this the spot, right here?”
Noddi
ng a response, I raised my hands to run them over my face, but halfway there I stopped. If Zoey was strong enough to do everything she’d done to overcome her past, then I could too. I lowered my hands and rested them on my knees.
“Please come out here and be with us.” Zoey continued to hold her hand out to me. She rested the palm of her other hand on our growing baby.
After hesitating, I finally stood and slowly walked over to her. When I reached her side, I told her what I remembered. “The truck was going so fast, and hit us so hard it took hours to get my dad and Hannah out. My mum sat in front of me, and her seat was pushed back against my legs. They had to get her out, and remove her seat, before they could get me out to take me to the hospital. I had to sit in the car with my family around me . . . all dead.”
“Jesus.”
She whispered so softly I barely heard her. I slipped my arms around her for comfort, and knew that coming out here would help. “I was going in and out of consciousness most of the time, so I don’t remember much. Just flashes of memories here and there, and then whatever I was told later by other people.” I placed my palms on her perfect belly. “I didn’t want to do this, Beautiful . . . but now that we’re here, I know it was the right thing to do.”
“Andy, we can go now, but I think while we’re still in New Zealand, we should come back out here. This will give you a push in the right direction to heal. You can even go without me if you want to.”
I nodded. “Yeah, being out here will help me. But I always want you with me.”
She hugged my neck and kissed me sweetly. “I’ll always be wherever you are if you need me to be, but sometimes I think you should come alone. I understand if you need to lean on me at times, but coming here by yourself will help you face your losses and grow stronger. We can stay here in New Zealand as long as you need to.”
God, she was so fucking smart and knew exactly what to say and do for me. I was the luckiest man in the world to have her by my side again.
Monday morning, we drove to the Auckland courthouse and filled out all the necessary paperwork to get married. There, we set the date and time for our wedding. We would be getting married on the beach in front of Andy’s house the following week. From the courthouse, we went to the mall to shop for our wedding clothes.
We were getting something casual to wear since it would be only us, with Iria and Tamati as our witnesses, but still I wanted a beautiful dress for the occasion. It was, after all, our wedding. We also split up because I didn’t want him to see what I was going to be wearing.
After I bought my dress and veil, I stepped into a store and found a display of Greenstone jewelry. All of the pieces were so unique and from what I knew, the stone was only found in New Zealand. The accessories would fit perfectly with my dress and veil.
Scanning the glass case, I was having a hard time deciding which pendant to buy for my necklace.
“You should get that one.”
I jumped when Andy spoke. I was concentrating so hard I had no idea he was next to me, or how long he had been standing there.
He tapped on the glass over a pendant shaped in a traditional Maori double twist style.
I glanced over at him. “Do you like that one?”
“Yes. It represents the joining of two people for eternity.”
I smiled and melted into his embrace as he put his arm around me.
“I’d say it’s the one for me then.” Next to that pendant, I saw one similar that had three twists, instead of two. “Does the triple twist have the same meaning as the double?”
He nodded.
“I want the triple instead, to represent us, and Hannah. She is a part of us after all, and she will be there when we get married.”
Andy smiled down at me. “That’s brilliant, Zoey.” He tangled his fingers in my hair and kissed my forehead.
The salesperson came over to help us. I chose a thin, black cord for the pendant and then found a Greenstone bracelet that I loved as well.
And just like when we were in Mexico, he slipped his credit card to the cashier before I could get my wallet out, and bought my jewelry for me.
“I could’ve paid for that, you know?” I said to him as we left the store.
“We’re going to be married at the end of next week. You ought to get used to the fact that everything I own, is now yours.” He smiled as he laced his fingers through mine. “And I’d like to buy my amazingly perfect fiancée some jewelry.”
I scrunched my nose up at him. “I guess that’s something we’ll need to talk about, isn’t it?”
“We’ll make everything legal with the house and . . . other things before we go back to Sacramento.”
“What do you mean?” I asked. “And, by the way, you never told me you owned a house.”
He stopped abruptly and looked down at me. “I didn’t?”
“Um, no . . . you didn’t.”
He frowned. “Yeah, we’ll definitely need to talk about it . . . later though.”
What did he mean by that? He began walking again, but when I didn’t follow, he came back.
“I want to make sure that legally, you and I own the house. Together,” he clarified.
I was still staring at him trying to figure out what the hell was going on, and why he was so adamant about it.
“Zoey, the house is paid off. Everything I own is paid for. Don’t worry about it.” His eyebrows furrowed. “Are you sure I didn’t tell you about the house? I swear I did.”
I thought about it briefly, and vaguely remembered a conversation when he’d told me about his six-month long trip to New Zealand after his divorce. What did he say exactly?
The conversation came back to me in bits and pieces.
“Andy, you did tell me about your place. I’m sorry, I can’t remember your exact words, but you said something about a house that your friends rented. I think I misunderstood though, when you told me.”
He nodded and bent to kiss me. “Can we go buy our wedding rings now?” After I agreed, he led me straight out the doors of the mall and into the parking garage, or the “car park” as he referred to it.
“Um, where are we going?”
“We’re going to buy wedding rings.” He smirked then gave me an adorable grin.
Duh Zoey. “What’s wrong with the jewelry store at the mall?”
He just smiled. “They don’t have the ring I want to buy you there.”
Mmmkay . . .
He drove through Auckland and eventually pulled up in front of a Tiffany & Co. store.
Seriously? Did every country have one of these stores?
I winced as I read the sign on the front of the building.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“Andy, I know how much money you spent on my engagement ring since you left the receipt at my apartment.” I said it quickly, to get it all out, like ripping off a freaking Band-Aid. I didn’t want to bring up the fact that it was the same day he’d left me.
His face dropped when he realized what I was getting at. “Please, let me buy your ring here.”
“No. The ring you bought cost almost as much as my car. My car.” I shook my head. “It’s too much.”
He gently took my chin between his thumb and index finger to turn my face toward him. “After what I did, it will never be enough. I’ll do whatever you want. I’m so sorry for putting you through that.”
I shook my head at his apology. “What I don’t want is for you to buy me a big fancy ring because you feel guilty. That’s not how I am.”
He pulled me into his arms. “Oh Zoey, no,” he said in a low, soothing voice. “Please believe me when I say I know you don’t care about stuff like that. Please don’t ever think it.”
He backed away and absentmindedly twisted a lock of my hair around his finger.
“Can I get a simple band instead?”
He shrugged his shoulders. “Will you at least look at the one I wanted to buy you? Then make up your mind?”
What the
hell was I supposed to do? I was seriously wearing an engagement ring that cost almost as much as my Audi. Now he wanted to spend more money on the wedding ring, which would no doubt put the cost of jewelry on one little finger, well over the price of my car.
My fucking car . . .
“I’ll look at it, Andy, but if I say it’s too much, you need to listen to me. I don’t want you trying to get your way once we get inside.”
I pointed to my stomach. “Don’t forget we’re having a baby here. We shouldn’t be spending so much money on material objects. She’s going to need a lot of things you know . . . like diapers and food and—”
He leaned over and pressed his lips to mine, then pulled back. “Zoey, remember when you told me that the next time I had something important to say, to tell you to quit running your mouth?”
I smiled and nodded, because I very clearly remembered the conversation and realized he’d kissed me to shut me up.
“I’m telling you right now, don’t worry about it.” He grinned. “Everything will work out. We’ll just talk about it later, okay?”
Seriously? How could I not worry about it?
We finally entered the store and spoke to the salesperson, who pulled out three wedding bands for me to look at. She set out a simple band, the diamond band that matched my engagement ring, and then the ring Andy wanted to buy me. She gave us a few minutes to look them over and talk.
The second she turned around, I pushed away the ring he wanted to buy me. Seeing the price tag was enough for me. I wasn’t even going to try it on.
“It’s beautiful, Andy, but it’s way too much money.”
He looked disappointed, but he didn’t argue.
Starting with the traditional wedding band, I tried on the other two rings. With the plain band next to my engagement ring, I knew it wasn’t the right ring either because my engagement ring was some serious bling, and the simple band was . . . well . . . too simple. Crap.
I slipped on the second ring and of course, it was perfect, and stunning. I tried to hide my smile, but that didn’t happen.
“Well, look at that,” he said quietly, smirking at me. “It looks beautiful, and it fits your finger perfectly.”