Hannah's Choice

by Jan Drexler

  “I don’t know how you can even consider Adam when Josef is around.” She stopped until Hannah looked at her. “He is still around, isn’t he?”

  “He comes to visit when he can, but that isn’t very often. He spent Sabbath with us last week, but that’s the only time I’ve seen him since he came to meeting with us last month.”

  “But he’s Amish, so he should be the one you marry.”

  Hannah sighed and put her empty bowl on the floor. “If only it was that easy.”

  “Well, I don’t worry about it. I know Jacob is Amish and will stay Amish.” Johanna set her empty bowl next to Hannah’s and laced her fingers over her knees. “Whoever he marries will have a strong, faithful, handsome husband.”

  “And you want to be the one to marry him.”

  “Ja, of course.” Johanna grinned at her. “I’m just glad you’re his sister. I’ll be the only one to capture his attention on that whole trip west.”

  “Just don’t be too sure of yourself. Daed is planning to stop in Somerset and in Ohio on the way. There are sure to be girls in those communities who could catch his eye.”

  Johanna picked a loose corn shuck from the floor and rolled it between her fingers. “Perhaps we’ll be betrothed before then. Who knows?”

  Hannah brushed at her apron as she stood to join the others downstairs. Who knew what the future held?

  The next week was busy with butchering. Johanna’s daed, Elias, brought his swine to the Yoder farm, and the men butchered six hogs.

  While Liesbet and Johanna’s younger sisters watched the little ones, Hannah helped Mamm and Johanna wash the sausage casings. Hannah refused to think about what they really were as she rinsed the slimy tubes. Magdalena minced scraps of meat into bits, ready to mix them with herbs to make sausage.

  “Annalise, are you all right?” Magdalena put her knife down and caught Mamm as she sank toward the floor. Hannah joined her to help Mamm to a bench.

  Mamm glanced at the bowls of fat on the table waiting for rendering and turned away, her face white.

  “What’s wrong?” Hannah knelt by her side.

  She waved her away. “It’s nothing. You go on working. I just need some fresh air.” Another hog’s squeal sounded from the barnyard and she shook her head. “If I could find some fresh air.”

  Magdalena sat next to Mamm, wiping her hands on a towel. “I think I can guess what’s wrong.”

  Hannah couldn’t believe she was smiling when Mamm was so ill . . . unless it was . . . “Mamm? Are you expecting a baby?” Hannah whispered. If she was wrong, she didn’t want rumors starting.

  Mamm nodded. “Ja, in the summer. It will come after we get to Indiana.”

  “Does Daed know?”

  “I told him as soon as I was certain. I’d hoped to keep it secret until at least Christmas, but I guess I can’t any longer.”

  Hannah took Mamm’s hand. “And are you all right? Everything is all right?”

  Mamm gave her a hug. “Ja, Hannah. Everything is just fine.”

  “Why don’t you go and rest while we finish up this part. You can join us again when you feel better.” Magdalena patted Mamm’s arm.

  “I can’t shirk my duty.” She started to stand, but then swayed on her feet. “You’re right. I’ll go in and lie down for a few minutes.”

  As Magdalena helped Mamm into the bedroom, Hannah joined Johanna at the sink. They went back to their work.

  “A new baby in the family?” Johanna whispered. “How fun will that be? Do you hope it’s a boy or a girl?”

  Hannah shook her head, still trying to believe the news. Mamm having another baby? She remembered how sad she had been before William was born, but she was so different now.

  “I don’t care which it is, as long as Mamm is happy.” Hannah took another long tube and started turning it inside out. “But this explains why she’s seemed so tired lately. I was afraid she was becoming ill.”

  Johanna turned another casing inside out. “What do you think Liesbet will say about it? She complained about taking care of the little ones today.”

  “Until Mamm told her it was either that or help us in the kitchen.” Hannah rinsed the tube in a pail of clean water. “I don’t know what she’ll say. She’s been acting so different lately, almost as if she was getting sick again.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “She sleeps so late in the mornings I have to drag her out of bed, and she hardly eats anything. But mostly she acts like she used to when she was still getting over the diphtheria.” Hannah couldn’t tell Johanna about the times she had woken in the night to find Liesbet’s side of the bed empty, but Liesbet was always back in her bed by morning.

  “Well, if we were expecting another baby, I’d love it. I keep hoping that after I marry, Mamm and I will have babies at the same time. Wouldn’t that be fun?”

  Hannah laughed. Johanna had the funniest ideas. “You’re right. That would be fun.”

  With six hogs to butcher, the work took the whole week. After the men had spent a day doing their part of killing, skinning, and gutting the animals, the women’s work was just beginning. Liesbet chose to stay with the younger children, and Hannah didn’t mind. If she had helped in the kitchen, she would have only complained endlessly. As it was, she and Johanna made the most of the time they had together. Mamm helped them cure the hams and shoulders while Magdalena took care of rendering the lard in the big pot over the fire in the yard.

  “The farther I am away from the rendering pot, the better,” Mamm said, but she still kept the smile on her face.

  On Saturday, after Johanna and her family had gone home, Hannah was finishing the last batch of lard when she saw Adam. He came from the woods trail like he always did, but his strides were purposeful and he headed straight for Hannah.

  “I heard something today.”

  No greeting, no small talk.

  “What did you hear?”

  “I met Elias Hertzler out in the woods, and he told me you’re planning to go along when your families are moving out in the spring. He said it had been decided for weeks.” Hannah turned to the fire. If she didn’t keep an eye on the pot, the lard could burn. But Adam took her shoulders and faced her toward him. “Are you going?”

  “I don’t know.” Hannah shook free from his grasp. “I can’t let my family go without me, especially now.”

  “I thought it was settled. I hoped you were going to stay here and marry me.”

  Hannah stirred slowly. “I want to stay here, but is that a reason to marry you? We’re friends, Adam, but I’m not sure our friendship will make a good marriage. You’ve been so busy with . . .” She glanced around to see if anyone could hear them. “You’re always on your way somewhere. We haven’t talked for weeks.”

  Adam took his hat off and rubbed at the back of his neck. “You’re right.” He put his hat back on and took the paddle from her. “But we can talk now. How soon is your pa leaving?”

  “Daed says as soon as the winter weather starts turning to spring. He wants to get to Indiana in time to plant a crop.”

  “And you’ll marry that foreigner, Bender, and go with them.”

  Hannah’s tongue felt like it filled her mouth. Josef was so different from Adam, but was she only attracted to him because of that difference? Or was she beginning to love him? But more than that, she couldn’t abandon Mamm when she would need her help on the journey.

  Adam stirred the lard. They both watched it bubble over the low fire.

  “I’ve asked if you would let me court you.”

  “And I told you, I can’t marry outside my faith.”

  Adam looked at her. He glanced toward the barn, and then the house. “You could still become Mennonite.”

  “And you could still become Amish.”

  He stirred for a few silent minutes. “If I did, would you stay and marry me?”

  Hannah’s heart leaped. He would become Amish? For her? Her mind looked down the years ahead as Adam’s wife, raising his c
hildren, growing old with him. As much as she loved Johanna, Adam had always been her closest friend. If he loved her enough to become Amish, could she learn to love him also? What would it be like to be joined with him for the rest of their lives?

  And then the faces crowded into her mind—the dark faces of all the people who depended on Adam to help them find their way from Peach Bottom down on the Susquehanna River through the county to the safe house in Lancaster, where they could rest before continuing on their way to safety in Canada. If Adam became Amish, he would have to turn his back on them. Would he give up what he believed in for her?

  Did she want him to?

  “You need to count the cost, Adam.”

  He glanced at her, then back at the pot. “I can only see what I would gain.”

  “You’re different than an Amish man. Ever since you went to those camp meetings last summer, you’ve changed.”

  Adam nodded. “You’re right. I have changed. I wish you could understand what I experienced listening to those preachers.” He swirled the paddle in the pot. “I can’t sit back and let things like slavery continue in our country. I have to act.”

  “That’s just what I mean. You talk like an Englischer, an outsider. If you became Amish, you would have to act as an Amish man, obedient to the civil laws, to the Ordnung, and to Christ.”

  Hannah took the paddle from Adam as the steaming lard started to pop and crackle. The job was nearly finished.

  Adam stepped back from the fire and shook his head. “I can’t obey the civil laws when they require me to do the opposite of what Christ says I should do. I have to be involved in the abolitionists’ efforts to help the slaves.”

  “That’s what I meant about counting the cost, Adam. You can’t escort escaped slaves and be Amish. It just wouldn’t work.”

  “Then you’ll have to become Mennonite. You’ve already helped me with these people. You know how important this is.”

  He waited for her to answer, but Hannah couldn’t speak. The sweetness of the baby she had carried that first day, the conviction in his mother’s voice as she spoke of freedom for her children rang in her mind, Ruby’s open thanks to Jesus for their escape from detection. Ja, she could agree that what Adam was doing was important. But was it more important than her faith and her family?

  24

  Liesbet shifted in her seat again. Winter evenings were so long, and she could never get this sock right. Hannah’s knitting needles clicked together in rhythm with Mamm’s as stockings seemed to flow from them. Liesbet’s needles tangled in the yarn and knotted the loops together. She’d have to ask Mamm to turn the heel for her again.

  She laid the bunchy mass of yarn in her lap and stretched her fingers. Daed’s voice droned on, reading some story about a man burning at the stake while his wife looked on, weeping. How many times had she heard these stories? The people in them were long dead and fools on top of that. Going through all that pain when all they had to do to live was to say they’d bow to the wishes of the state church. That is what she would have done. She would never understand her ancestors.

  Finally Daed reached the end of the story. Liesbet wrapped her knitting into a loose ball and stuck it in the basket.

  “Where are you going, Liesbet?” Daed’s voice stopped her as she tried to slip unnoticed through the door.

  “I have to use the privy. I’ll be right back.”

  “You can wait until after prayers.”

  Liesbet sighed as she took her place again, sitting rigid on the edge of the chair. Her need to go was urgent. The last couple weeks she had barely made it to the privy in time. It was just another sign that made her sure that a baby was coming. George’s baby. She glanced sideways at Mamm. She had seen her go outside more often than usual too.

  Daed started praying, reading from the Book of Prayers his father and grandfather had owned. All the prayers in this book were long and tedious. She’d rather have a silent prayer like they did at mealtimes. At least then she could let her mind wander for a few minutes.

  It was nearly bedtime, and then she would see George. Her stomach jumped a little at this thought. It was time to tell him.

  Her mind went to the house they would have. As soon as he knew about the baby, he’d insist that they should be married, and then he’d find a job in Philadelphia and then she’d be Madam McIvey, a fine lady. No more muddy trips to the privy on rainy nights. No more cooking over a fire with all the smoke and balancing pots over hot coals. She’d have a stove, like the one she saw in the store window in Lancaster. Shiny, black, and clean.

  Daed’s voice droned to an end, and Liesbet jumped from her seat. A quick trip to the privy and then into bed. If Hannah thought she was asleep, she’d keep Margli quiet and they’d both be asleep sooner.

  Once under the covers, she kept her breathing soft and deep as she listened to Hannah helping Margli into bed. She had to fight to keep awake as she waited for Hannah to undress and climb into their shared bed. Hannah turned back and forth, turned her pillow over and then lay still.

  Liesbet rose from the bed as soon as Hannah’s breathing grew deep and regular. She grabbed her clothes and crept to the hall and down the stairs.

  George would be waiting for her. It had been a week since she had seen him, but he promised he’d be there tonight.

  She didn’t dare stop anywhere in the house, but went out to the barn through the frosty air. She dressed quickly and left through the rear door, heading for the creek.

  She shivered under her shawl. It would snow any day now, Daed had said. Then how would she see George? The one time she had said it was too cold to come, he had been angry, but then just as quickly showed her he could keep her warm.

  He waited in the clearing. She went to him and he pulled her to him without a word, kissing her. He could keep her warm on the coldest nights.

  Liesbet pushed him away. She had to talk to him now . . . before . . .

  “I need to tell you something.”

  George pulled her back. “Can’t it wait? I’ve missed you so much this past week.” He kissed her until she pulled away again.

  “No, it has to be now.” She stepped back and smoothed her dress.

  George’s voice sounded like a groan. “What is it?”

  Now that the time had come, could she tell him? It was one thing to consider it as she did her chores, but quite another when he was standing right in front of her, waiting.

  “I’m . . . there’s going to be a baby.” She whispered the words. She couldn’t say them aloud.

  George grabbed her and pulled her close. “You told me that last week when I was here. Your mother is having a baby. What is that to us?” He grabbed her braid and forced her face toward his. “Forget it and kiss me.”

  Liesbet shook her head. “No, you don’t understand. I’m going to have a baby.”

  He let go and stepped away from her. “What do you mean?”

  “Just what I said.” Her voice strengthened. What would she do if he didn’t believe her? “I’m going to have a baby.”

  “You’re sure?”

  “Of course I’m sure. I wouldn’t have told you if I wasn’t.”

  He took another step back. “Then you need to do something about it. Get rid of it.”

  Liesbet’s hands, so warm when George was holding her, chilled in the cold air. “I . . . I can’t do that. This is our baby.”

  George ran his hand over his face. “There must be some way . . .” He pointed a finger at her. “I’ll take you to Philadelphia. There’s a woman there who takes care of these things.”

  Liesbet’s hand went to her stomach, her throat tight. How many times had she wished this thing would just go away? But she couldn’t do what George wanted. “If I went with you, I’d never be able to come back home again.”

  “If you don’t do what I say, how long do you think they’d let you stay at home with your belly getting bigger every day?”

  George started pacing from one end of the clearing to the o
ther. Liesbet felt hot tears running down her cheeks. This wasn’t what she imagined at all. He was supposed to be happy about the baby. He was supposed to say they could get married, that he would take care of them. The bright future she had dreamed of turned into a dark, empty hole.

  “I . . . I hoped we’d get married . . . that you’d like to be a father.”

  He grabbed her arms and shook her. “Do you think I want to be saddled with crying brats and a whining wife?”

  Tears ran down Liesbet’s cheeks. She wiped one cheek and then the other with quick movements. George let her go and backed away.

  “Now don’t you start crying, Lizzie. You know I can’t bear it when you cry.”

  He paced the clearing once more. She sniffled and he glared at her. Was he angry, or was he going to give in? His face was shadowed in the dark clearing. When he didn’t say anything, hope grew. She squeezed out a few more tears. She’d do anything to live out her dreams.

  He stopped in front of her with a groan. “All right, lass. What do you want from me?”

  Liesbet considered her answer. If she asked him for too much, he’d leave and she might never see him again. But she could be patient. He’d give in little by little.

  “I only want our baby to have a mother and a father. I want you to . . . ” She sniffled again. “. . . to marry me, and claim the baby so it won’t have to live with any stain on its name.” She took a deep breath, letting it catch in her throat.

  “I don’t have anyplace for you to live, and you can’t go traipsing around the country with me and my mates.”

  “I’m sure you could find work in Philadelphia, and a place for us to live.” Liesbet sniffed again for good measure.

  George rubbed the back of his neck again. “Yeah, I might find work with my uncle . . .”

  Liesbet threw her arms around George, giving him a kiss that made him pull her to him again.

  “Enough of that, lass.” He pushed her away, holding her at arm’s length. “That’s what got us into this predicament.”