Uncle John’s Slightly Irregular Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  THE TRUTH: The iLoo was indeed a project of Microsoft U.K. ...but somebody forgot to tell the home office. Microsoft’s U.S. headquarters immediately issued its own press release calling the iLoo story a hoax. “This iLoo release was not a Microsoft-sanctioned communication,” a spokeswoman told reporters. “We apologize for any confusion or offense it may have caused.”

  British government toilet paper used to read, “Govt. Property, Now Wash Your Hands.”

  The following day, Microsoft issued a second press release admitting that they had probably “jumped the gun.” Microsoft bigwigs apparently learned about the iLoo just like everyone else—by reading about it in the newspaper. They promptly canceled the program because Web-surfing toilets “aren’t the best extension of our brand.”

  RUMOR: Check all shampoo bottles and toothpaste tubes! Your brands may contain sodium lauryl sulfate, which causes cancer.

  BACKGROUND: This story has been circulating on the Internet since the late 1990s. Supposedly, when the e-mail’s author asked a shampoo manufacturer why their product contains a cancer-causing ingredient, an executive replied, “There’s nothing we can do about it—we need it to produce the foam.”

  THE TRUTH: In fact, many shampoos and toothpastes do contain the foaming agent sodium lauryl sulfate. It has been extensively tested and has not been found to cause cancer. However, if you get it in your eyes it will sting, and if you eat it you can get diarrhea. So, learn from Uncle John’s mistakes: don’t eat shampoo, and don’t rub toothpaste in your eyes.

  RUMOR: Thanks to the huge wildfires that hit southern California in 2003, the United States is just days away from a severe toilet paper shortage.

  BACKGROUND: Someone may have e-mailed you an “article” written by news reporter Jerry Simonreid, apparently based on information given to him by the San Bernardino Fire Department. According to the article, an enormous paper factory located near the U.S.-Mexico border makes 97% of the T.P. for the United States, Mexico, and Canada, and it burned down in the recent wildfires, leaving all of North America with about a three-day supply of toilet paper.

  THE TRUTH: The whole story is bogus. Yes, there were fires in southern California, but there aren’t any giant toilet paper factories, burned down or otherwise. Your toilet paper supply is safe...for now.

  Bless you! The average person will suffer about 200 colds in their lifetime.

  YOUR GOVERNMENT AT WORK

  Rest easy—we’ve discovered proof that your tax dollars are being well spent on...

  STRESS REDUCTION

  In an effort to reduce stress levels and improve the self-esteem of public housing tenants, the Department of Housing and Urban Development spent $860,000 on a “Creative Wellness” program. The plan: The government was paying to enhance the tenants’ lifestyles through “aromatherapy, color therapy, and ‘gemstone support’ (tapping the healing powers of precious stones).”

  GOVERNMENT PENSIONS

  •In 1995 Illinois assemblyman Roger P. McAuliffe introduced legislation allowing police officers-turned-state representatives to collect pensions from both fields of employment. The sole beneficiary of the bill: former police officer Assemblyman Roger P. McAuliffe.

  •Rhode Island state senator John Orabona claimed an annual pension of $106,000 when he retired in 1995, based on 79 years’ worth of state service. The problem: He was 51 years old. So how did he acquire more years in pension credits than he’d been alive? Easy. He found (and exploited) a loophole in the state’s pension legislation that made it possible for him to combine benefits from various jobs. (Another Orabona scam awarded government insiders pension credit toward summer jobs, such as lifeguarding.)

  UNCOVERING FRAUD

  A recent review of the Defense Contract Audit Agency revealed that in 2001 the agency fabricated (and destroyed) documents in order to receive a passing grade from the IRS. The DCAA, which is responsible for auditing government contracts, blew 983 hours and $63,000 creating the fraudulent documents. The task was so difficult that they had to call in additional auditors—for which they billed the American taxpayers $1,600 in travel expenses.

  Sitka, Alaska, was once the capital of a Russian territory.

  ACCURATE CENSUS REPORTING

  In 2003 the U.S. Census Bureau reported that according to statistics compiled by their researchers, more than 200 people living in Indianapolis, Indiana, traveled to work by subway or ferry. However, there are no subways or ferries in Indianapolis.

  GI BILLS

  In 2002 the General Accounting Office reported finding that at least 200 Army personnel spent $38,000 on personal expenses using Defense Department-issued credit cards. According to reports, many of the charges (including “lap dancing”) were made at strip clubs near military bases. Other charges: mortgage payments, racetrack betting, Internet gambling, and Elvis photos from Graceland. Further investigation revealed that many government offices abuse charge card programs. Some examples cited by the GAO: laptop computers, pet supplies, DVD players, pizzas, and $30,000 worth of Palm Pilots.

  THE DEPARTMENT OF DUMPSTER DIVING

  Before approving benefits, the Oregon Department of Human Services requires all welfare applicants to take an informational workshop on saving money. As part of the program, attendees in 2001 received a list of 17 suggested “saving” techniques, one of which was to “check the dump and residential or business dumpsters.”

  PROVIDING ROLE MODELS

  In April 2000, during the late hours of an all-night session of the Massachusetts legislature, a representative in the middle of a passionate speech on gun control asked members, “Are you leaders or followers?” A chant of “We lead!” erupted from the floor, followed by shouts of “Toga! Toga!” Assistant Majority Whip Salvatore DiMasi (D-Boston) responded with a call for “order in the Animal House.” How did things get so out of control? Apparently, a member of the House had sponsored a wine and beer tasting in conjunction with a vote on the state budget. When voting took place, many members were drunk. One representative was rumored to have had his legs shaved by his colleagues while he was passed out.

  Q: What is a natal cleft? A: The medical term for butt-crack.

  PUTTING REVENGE ON THE MAP

  Here’s a look at four towns that got their names from folks who didn’t get mad...they got even.

  BILLINGS, MONTANA

  The Northern Pacific Railroad Company hoped to run its railroad tracks through the town of Coulson in the early 1880s, but the three men who owned most of the surrounding land wanted more money than the railroad was willing to pay. So Northern Pacific moved the tracks and built its own town, which it named after the railroad’s president, Frederick Billings. Coulson was a ghost town by 1885; today Billings is the largest city in Montana.

  FREEPORT, ILLINOIS

  Founded in 1835, the town was named by the wife of William “Tutty” Baker, who operated a trading post and a ferry across the Pecatonica River. Mrs. Baker was mad at her husband for turning their house into a “free port” by taking in any stranger who came to town.

  TOMBSTONE, ARIZONA

  When prospector Ed Schieffelin told a soldier that he wanted to prospect for silver in an area controlled by Apaches, the soldier laughed and told him the only thing he’d find there was his own tombstone. When he found a giant vein of silver in 1878, Schieffelin named the mining camp Tombstone to spite the soldier.

  WORCESTER, MASSACHUSETTS

  The village was named Quinsigamond until 1684, when England’s King Charles II cancelled the charter of the Massachusetts Bay Colony, one of the original English settlements in what is now the state of Massachusetts. The citizens of Quinsigamond were so mad they renamed their village after the Battle of Worcester in the English Civil War (1651), which Charles (then King of Scotland) lost to Oliver Cromwell, forcing him to flee to France.

  Chinese brides traditionally wear a red wedding dress.

  DUMBERER CROOKS

  Our favorite crooks are the ones who do something dumb, and
then do something even dumber.

  EMPTY YOUR BRAINS IN THIS TRAY

  “Clyde Lamar Pace II made two mistakes. The first, Polk County sheriff’s deputies say, was when he emptied his pockets to pass through a courthouse metal detector and apparently forgot about the small bag of marijuana. He threw it in a baggie without realizing it, and the person working the security post said, ‘Hey, what’s this?’ Chief Deputy Bill Vaughn said. ‘He gave that old “uh-oh, I’ve-been-caught” look, and the chase was on.’ The second mistake was when he ran away from deputies, directly into a locked revolving door. Pace, 18, was arrested for drug possession and resisting arrest.”

  —The Des Moines Register

  THANKS, MOM

  “Trilane A. Ludwig, 24, of Vancouver, was arrested after a traffic stop early New Year’s Day. At 5:30 a.m. he called his mother, Angela Beckham, and asked her to bail him out with the money in his wallet. She handed $500 to a clerk, who suspected the money was phony and called police. The police report described the counterfeit bills as bad copies that were the wrong size. Beckham said she wasn’t going to shell out any real cash to bail him out. The case has been referred to the Secret Service.”

  —Kansas City Star

  THEY’LL NEVER FIND ME HERE...OR HERE

  “In December 1999, Christopher S. Newsome broke into the Delaware County Courthouse in Muncie, Indiana, and stole $25 from the receptionist’s desk. He then hid in a closet, where a janitor found him. When the janitor went to call authorities, Newsome sprinted out of the courthouse, through a parking lot, and toward a nearby building. Unfortunately for Newsome, that building was the county jail. Moments later, the 26-year-old was in handcuffs.”

  —Realpolice.net

  The president and vice president of the United States are not allowed to travel together.

  HOW’D YOU GUYS FIND ME?

  “Police didn’t have much trouble finding Joshua W. Kochell, 27, who they say robbed two Lafayette, Indiana, gas stations. They tracked him through the monitoring device he was ordered to wear on a 2001 sentence for theft and habitual offense. Kochell was being held in Tippecanoe County Jail on $60,000 bond.”

  —Associated Press

  GUILTY AND GUILTIER

  “A New York woman who was given probation for robbery faces four years in jail after punching a juror outside the court. Octavia Williams came face-to-face with juror Geraldine Goldring just after Goldring and the other jurors found her guilty of stealing $160 from a woman in Times Square. Williams ran off after the assault but was caught and returned to the courtroom, where she was charged with assault and contempt of court for ignoring the judge’s instructions to report to probation immediately after the verdict.”

  —New York Daily News

  NOTE TO SELF...

  “Police in Hillsborough, North Carolina, responded to a call from a bank about a man who was acting suspiciously. Capt. Dexter Davis confronted the man and asked if he had a weapon. ‘He pulled his book bag off his shoulders, opened the bag up and held it open to me to show he didn’t have a gun,’ Davis said. When Davis looked inside, there was a note in clear view. It read, ‘I want $10,000 in $100 bills. Don’t push no buttons, or I’ll shot [sic] you.’ Davis laughed out loud, and then arrested Christopher Fields (who also was carrying a 10-inch knife) and turned him over to the FBI.”

  —Durham Herald-Sun

  CRASH TEST DUMMY

  “In Springfield, Illinois, Zachary Holloway, 20, and a pal were arrested and charged with breaking into one car and stealing, among other things, a motorcycle helmet, then attempting to break into another car. To try to get into the second car, Holloway put on the helmet, stood back from the car and charged into it, head-butting a window, unsuccessfully, twice.”

  —“The Edge,” The Oregonian

  Sharks can’t swim backwards.

  KNOW YOUR GLOBE

  Okay, class—time for a pop geography quiz. This one was sent in by BRI member Matthew Rosenberg, author of The Handy Geography Answer Book. (Answers on page 513...but NO CHEATING!)

  1. Most states in the United States are divided into counties—but one state is divided into parishes instead. Which state?

  a) Louisiana

  b) Utah

  c) Pennsylvania

  d) Georgia

  2. The Andes Mountains extend the entire length of South America. What city, located in the Andes, is the world’s highest capital?

  a) Lima, Peru

  b) Santiago, Chile

  c) La Paz, Bolivia

  d) Asunción, Paraguay

  3. The Walloons, who speak French, and the Flemings, who speak Flemish, are the two cultural groups that make up what country?

  a) Algeria

  b) Belgium

  c) Cyprus

  d) Equatorial Guinea

  4. The Amazon is the largest river by water volume, but not by length. What is the longest river in the world?

  a) Nile

  b) Mississippi

  c) Yangtze

  d) Danube

  5. At 14,494 feet, Mount Whitney is the highest point in the continental United States. Where is the lowest point?

  a) Grand Canyon

  b) Bonneville Salt Flats

  c) Everglades

  d) Death Valley

  6. The world’s largest monolith, Ayers Rock (1.5 miles wide and 1,100 feet high), is in Australia. What do the Aborigines call it?

  a) Azores

  b) Uluru

  c) Azimuth

  d) Illuka

  Hollywood rumor: Johnny Carson wants his epitaph to read “I’ll be right back.”

  7. A desert is an area with little precipitation and few plants. What is a semi-arid grassy area on the periphery of a desert called?

  a) Steppe

  b) Strath

  c) Fallow

  d) Drumlin

  8. A small, steep-sided hill with a flat top is a pinnacle; a mediumsized one is a butte. What is a large one called?

  a) Mesa

  b) Arroyo

  c) Piedmont

  d) Atoll

  9. Tsunami is a Japanese term used to describe tidal waves that are triggered by what?

  a) Oil drilling

  b) Whale migration

  c) El Niño

  d) Underwater earthquakes

  10. English is the second most commonly spoken language in the world. Hindi is the third. What’s the first?

  a) Spanish

  b) Russian

  c) Arabic

  d) Mandarin

  11. Since Australia is considered a continent, not an island, what is the largest island in the world?

  a) Greenland

  b) Great Britain

  c) Cyprus

  d) Madagascar

  12. A landlocked country is one that has no sea coast. Which of these countries is landlocked?

  a) Botswana

  b) Ghana

  c) Kenya

  d) Mauritania

  13. Granite is a type of rock formed from cooled magma. What is the geologic term for this type of rock?

  a) Metamorphic

  b) Sedimentary

  c) Stratus

  d) Igneous

  If you’re average, a rope woven from your hair could support the weight of 400 people.

  14. The international date line is bent in several locations, but it generally runs along which line of longitude?

  a) 0 degrees

  b) 45 degrees

  c) 90 degrees

  d) 180 degrees

  15. California is the most populous state in the United States. What’s the least populous?

  a) Wyoming

  b) Rhode Island

  c) Montana

  d) North Dakota

  16. There are four main islands that make up the country of Japan. Which of these is not one of them?

  a) Honshu

  b) Shikoku

  c) Sapporo

  d) Hokkaido

  17. The Earth’s 23.5-degree tilt causes the sun’s rays t
o hit the northern and southern hemispheres differently. What is the result?

  a) Time zones

  b) Seasons

  c) Ice ages

  d) Day and night

  18. South Africa has three capitals. Cape Town is the legislative capital; Bloemfontein is the judicial. What is the administrative capital?

  a) Pretoria

  b) Durban

  c) Johannesburg

  d) Gaborone

  19. What is the only country in the world that has no official capital?

  a) Nauru

  b) Palau

  c) Kiribati

  d) Marshall Islands

  20. In 1887 L. L. Zamenhof developed a new language to solve communication problems between different cultures. What was it?

  a) Pidgin

  b) Creole

  c) Esperanto

  d) Pig Latin

  Motor mouth: Cats can keep purring whether inhaling or exhaling.

  VIDEO TREASURES

  Ever been in a video store with no idea what to rent? It happens to us all the time. So we decided to offer a few recommendations.

  BOB ROBERTS (1992) Comedy

  Review: “Smart, funny political satire about a right-wing, folk-singing senatorial candidate who knows how to manipulate an audience—and the media.” (Leonard Maltin’s Movie & Video Guide) Director/Star: Tim Robbins.

  THE TRIPLETS OF BELLEVILLE (2003) Foreign/Animated

  Review: “This animated film doesn’t need subtitles to tell a story that unfolds in a series of extraordinary images involving a boy, a dog, the Tour de France, the French mafia, and jazz-playing triplets. It’s comic, touching, and a visual knockout.” (Rolling Stone) Director: Sylvain Chomet.

  PARENTS (1989) Horror/Comedy

  Review: “Dark satire of middle class suburban life in the ’50s, centering on a young boy who discovers that his parents aren’t getting their meat from the local butcher. Gives new meaning to leftovers and boasts a very disturbing barbecue scene.” (Videohound’s Golden Movie Retriever) Stars: Randy Quaid, Mary Beth Hurt. Director: Bob Balaban.

  PI (1998) Thriller

  Review: “An obsessive mathematician seeks to find a number that will explain the universe. Gripping, clever theological and psychological thriller.” (Halliwell’s Film and Video Guide) Stars: Sean Gullette, Ben Shenkman. Director: Darren Aronofsky.