Uncle John’s Slightly Irregular Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  AMERICA’S FORGOTTEN FOUNDING FATHER

  “That the name of George Mason should be acclaimed throughout the Republic whose birth pangs he shared, and indeed throughout the free world, will be agreed, I believe, by all American historians.” —Dumas Malone, 1961 ...George who?

  FAMOUS FIRST WORDS

  In May 1776, a wealthy Virginia landowner and outspoken critic of the British government wrote some of the most famous words in American history:

  That all men are by nature equally free and independent and have certain inherent rights...namely, the enjoyment of life and liberty, with the means of acquiring and possessing property, and pursuing and obtaining happiness and safety.

  Thomas Jefferson, right? No, those words are from Virginia’s Declaration of Rights, written by another wealthy Virginian—George Mason. Jefferson was to borrow and edit Mason’s words less than two months later when he wrote the Declaration of Independence. Other parts of Mason’s document would later be used for the Bill of Rights. So why isn’t Mason as well known as Jefferson, Adams, Washington, and the other Founding Fathers?

  CURIOUS GEORGE

  George Mason was born to a wealthy Virginia family near the Potomac River in 1725. His father died when George was 10, so he was raised by his mother and his uncle, John Mercer, a prominent lawyer in the colony. Historians agree that young Mason benefited from the move because it provided him with access to his uncle’s private library—more than 1,500 volumes, most of them concerning history and the law. Although his future work would influence governments all over the world, Mason had virtually no formal schooling: he taught himself in that library. It was there, biographers say, that he learned and developed his theories about government—that too strong a central government was dangerous and that there must be protected rights for individuals—as well as his lifelong opposition to slavery (although he was, like Jefferson, a slave owner).

  39.4% of U.S. energy comes from petroleum.

  THE STRONG, SILENT TYPE

  Known as an intensely private man, Mason believed in public service, but had no desire for the limelight and no interest in the “babblers” of national politics (he was elected to the Continental Congress in 1777 but refused the seat). Yet despite his disdain for national politics, his extensive legal knowledge (especially in English law), his strong beliefs in personal freedoms, and his hatred of British tyranny led him to a prominent position in the shaping of the United States.

  •In the 1750s, he began a career in local Virginia politics as a trustee of the town of Alexandria and justice for Fairfax County.

  •In 1759 Mason was elected to the Virginia House of Burgesses (the colonial legislature), where he first earned his reputation as a fearless critic of the British.

  •In 1765 he wrote an open letter condemning and urging resistance to the infamous Stamp Act, Great Britain’s first direct tax on the colonies.

  •In 1774 Mason and his neighbor, George Washington, wrote “The Fairfax Resolves,” calling for a congress of the colonies and a halt of trade with Great Britain. The Resolves were adopted by Virginia that year and by the Continental Congress in 1775.

  •In 1776 he was asked to write Virginia’s Declaration of Rights (assisted by 25-year-old James Madison). That document is widely considered to be one of the most influential and important papers in the history of modern democratic government. Along with the “pursuit of happiness,” the extraordinary declaration also called for a separation of government powers, guaranteed freedom of the press, freedom of religion, and trial by a jury of one’s peers. It would soon serve as a model for other state declarations, and eventually for Jefferson’s Declaration of Independence, which spurred the American Revolution.

  William Howard Taft was the second president to own a car, but he was too fat to drive it.

  AT THE CONSTITUTIONAL CONVENTION

  •In the summer of 1787, Mason, now an elder statesman, was called out of retirement to attend the Constitutional Convention and to assist in writing the new nation’s constitution. He took the job seriously, writing that the final work would affect “the happiness or misery of millions yet unborn.” He is considered one of the most influential participants—giving more than 136 speeches on the convention floor. But as the work progressed, Mason grew to dislike the direction in which he saw the document headed. On August 31, he announced “that he would sooner chop off his right hand” than see such a constitution passed. In September, Mason passed a list of “Objections to This Constitution of Government” to his colleagues. They outlined 16 points of contention. Among them:

  •The working constitution contained no bill of rights for individuals—this was the worst problem, in Mason’s view.

  •The Supreme Court was given too much power over state judiciaries, “enabling the rich to oppress and ruin the poor.”

  •The president had excessive pardoning powers “which may be sometimes exercised to screen from punishment those whom he had secretly instigated to commit the crime, and thereby prevent a discovery of his own guilt.”

  •Slaves were allowed to be imported for another 20 years. Mason wanted to immediately end the importation of slaves and to abolish slavery as soon as possible.

  •The proposed constitution threatened to “produce a monarchy, or a corrupt, tyrannical aristocracy.”

  PAYBACK

  The Constitution was signed by the delegates on September 17, 1787—but George Mason was not among them. In the end, after having been so influential in the document’s creation, he refused to sign it, and the move is said to have cost him his long friendship with George Washington. Critics said that he had let his ego get the best of him; some even questioned his sanity. But Mason continued to fight for his changes, opposing the document’s ratification in Virginia. When the Constitution was formally ratified on July 2, 1788, Mason still opposed it.

  No midnight snack? Snails can sleep for 3 years without eating.

  As more and more Americans read the Constitution after its initial signing, it became obvious that many people shared Mason’s biggest fear: that it contained no bill of rights. In fact, many of the states ratified it only on the promise that such a bill would quickly be added. With pressure mounting from across the new nation, the anti-Bill of Rights contingent finally had to give in. In 1791 Congress made the first change to the U.S. Constitution by ratifying 10 amendments—the Bill of Rights.

  The First, Second, Fourth, Fifth, Sixth, Seventh, and Eighth Amendments were all largely borrowed from Mason’s Virginia declaration, sometimes using his exact wording. Mason later wrote that “I have received much satisfaction from amendments to the federal Constitution that have lately passed. With two or three further amendments, I could cheerfully put my hand and heart to the new government.” (In 1795 the Eleventh amendment was passed, limiting the power of the Supreme Court over the states—another of Mason’s ideas.)

  George Mason died on October 7, 1792 at his home in Virginia. His refusal to sign the Constitution makes him largely unknown to modern Americans, but his place as the “Father of the Bill of Rights” and one of the most important Founding Fathers is unquestioned. In 2002 he was finally recognized by the nation he helped found when the George Mason National Memorial was formally dedicated near the Thomas Jefferson Memorial in Washington, D.C.

  THANKS, GEORGE

  “In giving this account of the laws of which I was myself the mover and draughtsman, I by no means mean to claim to myself the merit of obtaining their passage. I had many strenuous coadjutors in debate, and one most steadfast, able, and zealous. This was George Mason, a man of the first order of wisdom among those who acted on the theatre of the revolution, of expansive mind, profound judgment, cogent in argument, learned in the lore of our former constitution, and earnest for the republican change on democratic principles.”

  —Thomas Jefferson, 1821

  George Washington liked to tell dirty jokes.

  LUCKY STRIKES

  It may shock you to learn that
some people who are struck by lightning live to tell the tale.

  SHOCKING STATISTICS

  If you’re struck by a bolt of lightning, are you more likely to live or die? More likely than not, you’ll survive. The National Weather Service estimates that roughly 400 people are struck by lightning each year in the United States. Of these, only 10% are killed—and some of them could have been saved by CPR.

  As for the survivors, 70% of them suffer long-term effects, including pain, stiffness, numbness, headaches, insomnia, hearing loss, fatigue, short-term memory loss, depression, and difficulty sitting for long periods of time. The remaining 30% have few or no long-term problems. Here are some folks who got lucky:

  EDWIN E. ROBINSON, 62, a former truck driver from Falmouth, Maine, who had lost most of his sight and hearing after suffering a head injury in a 1971 truck accident

  The Strike: In June 1980, Robinson was struck by lightning when he went into his backyard during a thunderstorm to look for his pet chicken. “It was like somebody cracked a whip over my head,” he told reporters. “I fell right on the ground, face forward.” Being struck by lightning would take a lot out of anyone, so after being struck, Robinson got up, went in the house, and took a nap. When he woke up 20 minutes later, he felt a little “rubbery,” but other than that he was fine.

  Aftermath: Most people would consider themselves lucky just to break even after a lightning strike, but Robinson’s health actually improved—somehow the electric shock reversed the brain damage from the 1971 truck accident and caused his hearing and sight to return. Robinson’s ophthalmologist has verified the improvement, but other eye specialists speculate that his was a case of “hysterical blindness”—Robinson wanted to think he was blind, and now he wants to think he’s been cured. Robinson says that’s “a load of bull.” He gives the credit to God. “He put me with this,” he says. “I coped with it, and when the time came, lightning struck me.”

  Drawkcab swolf Revir Ogacihc eht. What? The Chicago River flows backward.

  JOHN CORSON, 56, of Madison, Maine

  The Strike: Corson was struck in July 2004, while working outside on his house just after a thunderstorm had passed by. “It was a whitish-blue, and so bright,” he told reporters. “I actually heard the snap, but I was paralyzed. My whole body was vibrating. It was a hell of a sensation.”

  Aftermath: The lightning strike tripped three circuit breakers in the garage, but Corson—who has had three heart surgeries—was not even knocked down. His knees buckled a little and the bolt left red marks on his shoulders. Otherwise he’s fine. In fact, he says he feels better than before. “I’m feeling like my body is light,” he says. “It’s the best I’ve felt in ten years.”

  MARK DAVIDSON, 33, a fisherman from Whitley Bay, England

  The Strike: Davidson got his jolt while fishing for salmon off the coast. “A lightning bolt hit the antenna mast on top of the wheel-house, then it went straight through me,” he says. “It felt like somebody had whacked me on the head with a hammer.” After the strike, Davidson’s friend fired off a distress flare and the Coast Guard came and took him to the hospital.

  Aftermath: Davidson was fine—and when he was released a few hours later, he headed right back out to fish. (He figured lightning never strikes the same place twice.)

  DANYL LEVIEGE, 44, an ex-preacher from Omaha, Nebraska

  Strike: LeViege was standing in the doorway of his porch watching storm clouds when lightning struck him on the neck—right on the spot where he was wearing a cross. “The lightning hit the necklace,” he says. “That’s where the pain was. I went flying.”

  Aftermath: The pain is gone, but LaViege still has burn marks. His wife, Sheila, says the bolt was the Almighty’s way of telling him to return to the ministry. “It’s a miracle,” she told Jet magazine. “I told him it happened for a reason. ‘God’s giving you a message. Straighten up.’”

  CARRIE KWASNIEWSKI, a constable in West Sussex, England

  The Strike: Kwasniewski, who patrols on bicycle, was struck while taking a report from a motorist. “There was an almighty flash, and a bolt shot through my arm, throwing me from my bike,” she says.

  Gotta go: Stop signs weren’t used in the U.S. until 1927.

  The bolt shot out the handlebar and struck the motorist’s car, knocking out its electrical system. “The woman said ‘did that really just happen?’” Kwasniewski says. “We just looked at each other and said, ‘we’ve just been struck by lightning.’”

  Aftermath: Kwasniewski’s arm felt a little tingly, but otherwise she felt fine. So she went on to her next assignment—taking a report from a nearby gas station that had been struck by lightning. “We’ve dubbed her Superwoman,” says her boss, Geoff Charnock.

  JIM CAVIEZEL, 35, the actor who played Jesus in the film The Passion of the Christ

  Strike: Caviezel was filming the Sermon on the Mount scene when a bolt of lightning struck him on the head. “I’m about a hundred feet away from him when I glance over and see lightning coming out of Caviezel’s ears,” says producer Steve McEveety.

  “There was a big flash,” Caviezel says. “My hair was up like Bozo the Clown. A giant pressure engulfed my head.”

  Aftermath: You might expect an actor who is struck by lightning while playing Jesus to wonder if maybe God isn’t too crazy about the movie. Caviezel took a narrower view—“I thought, ‘Didn’t like that take, huh?’”—and then resumed his work on the film.

  ROBERT GILMER, 72, a security guard in Jamesville, New York

  Strike: Gilmer was sipping iced tea in the company cafeteria when lightning struck the flagpole outside the building, about two feet from where he was sitting. The bolt traveled inside the building, struck Gilmer, and knocked him down. He stood up and saw that his pants were on fire. He put the fire out with his hands. Then, unable to phone for help (the lightning having knocked out the phone system), Gilmer just sat and waited until Phillip Wheeler, the assistant superintendent, found him about an hour and 45 minutes later.

  Aftermath: When Wheeler found Gilmer, he was complaining of ringing in his ears and had burns on his left leg, face, and hands. But what made him really mad was his pants. “He was more concerned that he didn’t look presentable because of his pants being burnt,” Wheeler says. “It burned his undershorts, too.”

  Want to know how you can avoid a lightning strike? Go to page 439.

  Horse meat is more popular in Sweden than lamb.

  IRONIC, ISN’T IT?

  There‘s nothing like a good dose of irony to put the problems of day-to-day life into proper perspective.

  RATS!

  In 1999 England’s New Scientist magazine reported that rats in the United Kingdom were becoming increasingly resistant to rat poison. But owls and other birds of prey, for whom rats are a natural food source, aren’t resistant and were dying after eating poisoned rodents. Result: The poison intended to control the rat population was actually killing off the rats’ natural predators—resulting in an increase in the number of rats.

  TOXIC AVENGER

  Legal aide Erin Brockovich made history in 1996 by winning a class-action lawsuit against a giant utility company, Pacific Gas & Electric, for toxic contamination of groundwater in a small California town. The $333 million settlement was the largest to date and made Brockovich famous—especially after Julia Roberts played her in a movie about the lawsuit. She got a $2 million bonus for winning the case and bought her dream house in Agoura Hills, California, for $600,000. Shortly after moving in, Brockovich discovered that it was contaminated with toxic mold. (She sued.)

  TOY STORY

  On October 30, 2003, the U.S. Congress General Accounting Office published the results of a study. Finding: There is little evidence to show that toy guns have any relationship to crime. That same day, the Capitol had to be locked down as SWAT teams conducted a one-hour manhunt for two employees who’d brought what turned out to be toy guns to work, as part of their Halloween costumes.

  DETAILS, DET
AILS...

  Florida’s secretary of state, Katherine Harris, became famous during the 2000 presidential election as the person in charge of the disputed ballot count. In the 2004 local election in her hometown of Longboat Key, Florida, she was informed that her vote would not be counted because she had turned in an invalid ballot. (She forgot to sign it.)

  In South Korea, a can of Spam is considered a prestigious wedding gift.

  CUT TO THE CHASE

  In 2002 the Sydney Morning Herald reported an incident where a 42-year-old man in the town of Kurrajong, Australia, stole a truck and was being chased by the owner’s father in a car. As the pursuer got closer, the thief panicked, jumped out of the truck, tried to escape on foot—and was immediately hit by another car. According to witnesses, the driver of that car got out, walked over to the injured thief—and stole his wallet. The truck thief was arrested; the wallet thief got away.

  SKIN DEEP

  Twenty-six-year-old Samuel Worlin Moore was arrested for attempted armed robbery in Long Beach, California. Witnesses were able to ID him because of the distinctive tattoo on his arm. It read “Not Guilty.”

  DO UNTO OTHERS...

  In 1998 former White House aide Linda Tripp became famous for her part in the Monica Lewinsky scandal. Tripp had secretly taped private telephone conversations, in which Lewinsky revealed details of her affair with President Clinton. Tripp then gave the tapes to the special prosecutor, ultimately leading to Clinton’s impeachment. Five years later, Tripp won a $595,000 settlement against the Pentagon—for violating her privacy. Details of her life, including an arrest as a teenager, had been leaked to the media after she turned over the tapes.

  MR. SATURDAY NIGHT SPECIAL

  In February 2004, 74-year-old James Joseph Minder had to retire as chairman of gun manufacturer Smith & Wesson. A local newspaper had revealed that Minder had a dubious resume: he’d spent 15 years in prison for armed robbery. He said that he hadn’t told anybody about it because “nobody asked.”