Uncle John’s Slightly Irregular Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  HOW MANY DO YOU WANT?

  In an attempt to build consumer confidence, Kamen went to trend-setting corporate clients first. Disney bought a few Segways for its theme parks, and Amazon.com and the U.S. Postal Service let workers test them out. Segways became available to the general public just before Christmas 2002. The general public didn’t notice.

  Alexander Graham Bell liked to sip his soup through a glass straw.

  I’M A STAR

  One segment of the country embraced the Segway: the media, but only as an oddity. A high-profile flop and a novelty, it was ripe for lampooning. The scooter showed up on the sitcoms Frasier, Arrested Development, Father of the Pride, and in the Ben Stiller movie Envy. All this coverage didn’t help sell the Segway or improve its goofy image; it was still considered an extravagant toy for kooky millionaires. The Segway was recalled in 2003 after three riders were mildly injured falling off. At that point, only 6,000 had been sold.

  The Segway has yet to catch on in the way Kamen predicted or anticipated, but he rides his virtually all day long through his office and around Manchester, New Hampshire. He hasn’t lost hope, though. One day, Kamen insists, everyone will be riding Segways.

  ROCK PAPER SCISSORS

  •Did you know there’s an international governing body for Rock Paper Scissors? The World Rock Paper Scissors Society sets rules, holds an annual worldwide tournament, and since the 1920s has published Think Three, an RPS strategy and lifestyle magazine.

  •Names for Rock Paper Scissors around the world: Jenken (China), Jan Ken Pon (Japan), Roshambo (southern United States), Shnik Shnak Shnuk (Germany), Ching Chong Chow (South Africa), Farggling (parts of the United States).

  •How does paper beat rock? Obviously, a rock crushes scissors and scissors cut paper. But why exactly does paper defeat rock? It’s the question the World Rock Paper Scissors Society is most often asked. According to them, the answer lays in ancient China. Petitions were given to the emperor for approval. If he accepted it, the document was placed under a rock. If denied, it was draped over the rock. Paper covering rock came to be associated with defeat.

  There is electricity in the clouds, in this book, and in you.

  URBAN LEGENDS

  Psst! Have you heard the one about the kid who ate the taco? Remember the BRI rule of thumb: If a story sounds true, but also seems too perfect to be true, it’s probably an urban legend.

  THE STORY: On a foggy November day, the California Highway Patrol finds the body of Stuart Bidasoe (called “Stu” by his friends) slumped over the wheel of his 1997 Saturn. He hit a fence post and the airbag deployed, but the accident was too minor to explain his death. So how did he die? Did he overdose on drugs? There aren’t any drugs in the car—just a bag of Halloween candy on the passenger seat. The coroner solves the mystery when he pulls a lollipop out of Stu’s throat. Apparently he was eating the lollipop when he drove off the road and hit the fence post. The impact activated the airbag, which shoved the lollipop down Stu’s throat. Tragically, he choked to death before help arrived. Moral of the story: Don’t eat while driving.

  HOW IT SPREAD: By e-mail and then word of mouth, starting in 2002. Fear of technology—airbags—helped the story spread, as did the abundance of details in the original e-mail: Stu Bidasoe is identified by name, as is Officer Benson, who found him, the make and model of Stu’s car, the county in which the accident happened, and the precise date.

  THE TRUTH: Is this a true story or an urban legend? Say “Stu Bidasoe” five times fast and decide for yourself.

  THE STORY: An adventurous young woman takes a trip to the rainforests in Guatemala. When she gets back home, she notices that a bug bite on her cheek isn’t healing. Instead of going to a doctor she puts some ointment on it. It itches, but she tries to forget about it. A few days later her cheek is red, swollen and itching like crazy, so she finally gives in and scratches it. Pop! The skin bursts and hundreds of tiny spiders crawl out.

  HOW IT SPREAD: Versions of this tale have been circulating since the 1960s. The location varies with each telling—sometimes it’s Mexico, other times it’s Spain, Central America, South America, or Africa. In some variations the young woman dies or goes insane, and sometimes the wound bursts open after a doctor tries to lance what he thinks is a boil. Fear of insects (especially spiders) is probably what keeps this story going.

  In 1980 Joe Bowen walked from Los Angeles to Kentucky...on stilts.

  THE TRUTH: Good news! According to experts, no species of spider is capable of laying eggs in your cheeks. So where does the story come from? One possibility: it’s a modern incarnation of a 19th-century German fable in which a woman makes a deal with the devil, a deal that he seals by kissing her on the cheek. When she reneges, a black boil begins to grow on the spot where he kissed her. A few days later, it bursts open and hundreds of tiny spiders come out.

  THE STORY: All military personnel wear ID tags known as “dog tags” around their necks to help identify human remains on the battlefield. Old-fashioned dog tags had little notches in them. The reason: If the person fighting alongside you dies in combat and you can’t remove his remains from the battlefield right away, you’re supposed to wedge the notch between his two front upper teeth and then give the jaw a swift kick to jam the dog tags into place. That way the tag is sure to stay with the remains.

  HOW IT SPREAD: From one GI to another, helped along by the fact that there really was a notch in dog tags issued between 1941 and the 1970s.

  THE TRUTH: According to the U.S. Military Department of Mortuary Affairs, “the only purpose of the notch was to hold the blank tag in place on the embossing machine. The machine used at this time doesn’t require a notch to hold the blank in place, hence, today’s tags are smooth on all sides.”

  THE STORY: Your local swimming pool contains a chemical that turns bright red if someone pees in the pool.

  HOW IT SPREAD: By word of mouth from parents to kids, and then from one scared kid to another, since the late 1950s.

  THE TRUTH: No such chemical exists. Urine is made up mostly of water with some acid. Swimming pools contain water...and some acid. So it’s hard to come up with a chemical that can tell the difference between pee and pool water. Besides, even if such a chemical did exist, would anyone really want it? The temptation for pranksters would be too great—and we’d probably all end up swimming in pools full of red dye.

  Eighty percent of the world’s population regularly eats insects.

  THE STORY: A mother puts waterproof sunscreen on her two-year-old son, Zack. She accidently gets some in his eyes, and the kid starts screaming. She tries to flush it out, but when that fails she calls poison control. They tell her to rush her son to the emergency room immediately, and that’s where she learns the terrible news: waterproof sunscreen contains chemicals that cause blindness, and because the sunscreen is waterproof, once it gets in your eyes there’s no way to wash it out. Zack goes blind for two days, but he only got a little bit of sunscreen in his eyes, so he recovers his sight. Other kids aren’t so lucky—many go permanently blind each year.

  HOW IT SPREAD: Via an e-mail that appeared in 1998 and then spread like wildfire from one suburban mom to another. Fear of huge corporations helped give it credibility—in the e-mail, the woman explains that when she called the manufacturer to complain, the company told her that they know their product causes many kids to go permanently blind each year, but since skin cancer is more serious than blindness, they’re leaving the chemicals in.

  THE TRUTH: When this e-mail hit, thousands of terrified parents flooded the switchboard of their poison control centers to see if the story was true. The New Jersey Poison Information and Education System received so many calls that it issued a press release denying the rumor. The truth: Yes, like a lot of things, waterproof sunscreen stings if it gets in your eyes, but relax—according to authorities, it won’t make you go blind.

  WHY ISN’T OUR KIDS MORE INTELLIGENTER?

  The North Carolina State Board of Educa
tion recently asked a research firm to study how schools could combat illiteracy. Here was the research firm’s response: “The conceptual framework for this evaluation posits a set of determinants of implementation which explains variations in the level of implementation of the comprehensive project.”

  Q: What is autophobia? A: The fear of being alone.

  JELLIED MOOSE NOSE

  In 1967 the Canadian government published a collection of backwoods recipes from native and non-native peoples in the nation’s far north. It’s now out-of-print, but here are a few highlights. And if ever you find a copy of The Northern Cookbook, grab it—it’s a classic.

  MUSKRAT TAILS

  “Cut off the tails and dip them into very hot water. Pull off the fur. Either cook them on top of the stove, turning them after a few minutes, or boil them. (This is the same method as for beaver tails. Both are very sticky to eat.)”

  STUFFED MUSKRAT

  “Clean the rats well and put them in a roaster with bread stuffing on top. Roast until the muskrats are soft.”

  BOILED PORCUPINE

  “Make a fire outside and put the porcupine in it to burn off the quills. Wash and clean well. Cut up and boil until done.”

  GRIZZLY BEAR STEAKS

  “Cut up meat as for frying and fry in deep grease in frying pan.”

  BEAR FAT PASTRY

  “1-1/2 cups flour, 1/2 tsp. salt, 1/3 cup bear fat (from a little black bear that was eating berries). Makes rich white pastry.”

  MUKTUK (meat inside skin and fat of a whale)

  “After taken from whale leave 2 days hanging up to dry. Cut into 6" × 6" pieces. Cook until tender. After cooked, keep in a cool place in a 45-gallon drum of oil, in order to have muktuk all year.”

  OVEN-ROASTED LYNX

  “Wash and clean the hind legs of the lynx and roast it with lard and a little water.”

  BOILED LYNX

  “Cut up the lynx and boil it until it is soft and well cooked. Good to eat with muktuk.”

  STEAMED MUSKRAT LEGS

  “Cut off the muskrat’s legs, dip in a bowl of flour with salt, pepper, and other strong seasoning. Put grease into a large frying pan. Put in the muskrat legs. Cover and cook for a long time as they take long to become tender. The strong seasoning takes away the actual taste of the muskrat.”

  During the Depression, 44% of all U.S. banks failed.

  BOILED REINDEER HEAD

  “Skin and wash the head well. Then chop it in quarters, splitting it between the eyes with an axe. Cover with cold water and boil until soft. One can also roast in an open pan in an oven very slowly.”

  BOILED REINDEER OR CARIBOU HOOFS

  “Put hoofs (skin still on them) in a large pot. Cover and boil for a couple of hours. The skin will peel off easily. The muscles are soft and very good to eat. The toe nails also have some soft sweet meat inside them.”

  BOILED SMOKED BEAVER

  “Smoke the beaver for a day or so. Cut up the meat and boil it with salted water until done.”

  FROZEN FISH EGGS

  “Take fish eggs out and freeze them. They are good to eat like this.”

  BOILED BONE GREASE

  “Boil whatever bones are left after all the meat has been cut off. Boil them all in a big pot for two hours. Then let the grease get cold in the pot. It is easy to pick the grease off. Keep the grease to eat with dry meat or add to pounded meat.”

  BOILED REINDEER TONGUES

  “Boil tongues until thoroughly cooked. Potatoes and vegetables are good with this.”

  DRY FISH PUDDING

  “Pound up 5 to 6 dry fish. Throw away skin. Add sugar, a little grease, and cranberries.”

  JELLIED MOOSE NOSE

  “Cut the upper jaw bone of the moose just below the eyes. Boil in a large kettle for 45 minutes. Remove and chill. Pull out all the hairs (like plucking a duck) and wash until none remain. Place nose in a kettle and cover with fresh water. Add onion, garlic, spices, and vinegar. Bring to a boil, then reduce heat and simmer until meat is tender. Let cool overnight. When cool, discard the bones and cartilage. You will have white meat from the bulb of the nose and dark meat from the bones and jowls. Slice thinly and alternate layers of white and dark meat in a loaf pan. Let cool until jelly has set. Slice and serve cold.”

  BAKED SKUNK

  “Clean, skin, wash. Bake in oven with salt and pepper. Tastes like rabbit (no smell).”

  Canadian Hulda Crooks climbed Mt. Fuji...at age 91.

  MR. POTTY MOUTH

  On June 20, 2004, Vice President Dick Cheney made an off-color remark to Senator Patrick Leahy of Vermont and made history. We can’t print exactly what he said, but neither could the news media. Here are a few of the creative ways they reported the story.

  •Washington Post: “Cheney exploded in colorful profanity.”

  •CBS News: “Cheney Gives Leahy An ‘F’.”

  •Capital Times: “Dick Cheney to Pat Leahy: Go f*$@! yourself.”

  •Spokesmanreview.com: “Cheney delivered a popular epithet (see The Sopranos).”

  •Boston Herald: “Bleep the veep: Angry Cheney tells senator to **** OFF!”

  •Christian Science Monitor: “The Vice President allegedly used a four-letter word to suggest Leahy engage in a procreative anatomical impossibility.”

  •L.A. Times: “Go...yourself.”

  •Charleston Post Courier: “Go [expletive deleted] yourself.”

  •The Calgary Sun: “Go (bleep) yourself.”

  •Weekly World News: “Cheney On F-Word Rampage!”

  •Herald Sun: “Cheney swears an oath.”

  •Springfield News Leader: “Cheney dismissed Leahy with the offensive language.”

  •CNN: “Cheney replied “f—off” or “go f—yourself.”

  •Japan Today: “Cheney used a naughty word...”

  •USA TODAY: “Tells Sen. Leahy to “go f*** yourself.”

  •DNCNews: “Cheney uses ‘Big-time’ swear word.”

  •Canada Free Press: “Oh, fudge!”

  •MSNBC: “Cheney then used the “f” word.”

  •Houston Chronicle: “Cheney...vulgarly proposed that Sen. Leahy do something impossible to himself.”

  •FOXNEWS: “...one of George Carlin’s seven deadly words.”

  •Vice President Cheney: “I felt better after I’d done it.”

  Mussolini invented the fascist “raised hand” salute because he had a handshaking phobia.

  WORD ORIGINS

  Here are a few more interesting word origins we’ve come across.

  LOLLAPALOOZA

  Meaning: An extraordinary person or thing

  Origin: “The French expression allez-fusil, ‘Forward the musket!’, became common in Ireland after French troops landed there in 1798. County Mayo residents pronounced it ‘ally foozee’ and coined a new word from it, meaning ‘sturdy fellow,’ from which comes lollapalooza.” (From Encyclopedia of Word and Phrase Origins, by Robert Hendrickson)

  BUCKAROO

  Meaning: A working cowboy

  Origin: “The term buckaroo is an anglicized pronunciation of the Spanish word vaquero, meaning cowboy. It was generalized in the 19th century to refer to ranch hands.” (From Western Lore and Language, by Thomas L. Clark)

  JUNK

  Meaning: Something having no value or use; trash

  Origin: “Even before the days of Columbus, junk was the name given to pieces of old rope found about a ship. Rather than being tossed overboard, junk was saved until another use could be found. It could be stuffed between leaky planks to seal the seams; long pieces were used to snug things down; and short chunks were used as wadding in guns during battle. Eventually the word made its way ashore and was used to refer to any discarded object for which another use might be found.” (From Scuttlebutt, by Teri Degler)

  DUD

  Meaning: Anything that fails to live up to our expectations

  Origin: “The original 15th century meaning was ‘an article of clothing.’ It eventua
lly came to mean ‘tattered clothes,’ and by the 17th century, scarecrows attired in cast-off clothing were being called dudmen. Sometime in the 19th century we began to use dud to mean anything ineffective or fraudulent, a usage that got a big boost during World War I, when unexploded artillery shells were called duds.” (From The Word Detective, by Evan Morris)

  Not so new-age: The term “aromatherapy” was coined in 1928.

  RIGMAROLE

  Meaning: Fast talk used to confuse the listener or hide the truth

  Origin: “Ragman was a designation applied to certain feudal officials in England. When Edward I invaded Scotland in 1296, he forced all nobles and gentry to sign a ‘ragman’s roll’ as a token of allegiance. He then sent couriers all over the country reading the names to commoners, hoping that announcing the submission of their leaders would bring resistance to an end. Edward’s weary messengers reeled off the names so quickly that they were difficult to understand. Hence any jumble of words became a ragman’s roll, and then, streamlined from frequent use, a rigamarole.” (From Why You Say It, by Webb Garrison)

  SLEUTH

  Meaning: A detective or private eye

  Origin: “In the 12th century, sleuth meant ‘trail’ or ‘track.’ But in the 15th century, sleuth came to be used as a shortening of ‘sleuth-hound’, that is, a species of bloodhound used for tracking game or trailing fugitives, especially in Scotland. The word was adopted in the 19th century for a detective, who carried out the duties of a ‘sleuthhound’ at a more sophisticated level.” (From Dunces, Gourmands and Petticoats, by Adrian Room)

  GOSSAMER

  Meaning: Something delicate, light, or flimsy

  Origin: “It originally meant ‘fine cobwebs.’ The theory: mid-autumn is a time when geese for the table are plentiful (November was once known as gänsemonat, ‘geese-month’ in German), so a warm period around then might have been termed goose-summer (we now call it Indian summer). Silken filaments of gossamer are most commonly observed floating in the air on such warm fall days, and so the spiders’ webs were christened with the name of the season.” (From Dictionary of Word Origins, by John Ayto)