Uncle John’s Slightly Irregular Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  TECHNO-QUIZ

  If you owned a model Mark IV FM, what would you have?

  a. A new SUV.

  b. A DVD player.

  c. A top-of-the-line radio.

  d. A nuclear weapon.

  Answer:

  d. You’d have the atom bomb that was dropped on Nagasaki in 1945. The bomb was designated “Mark IV FM” on its blueprints.

  When electric eels meet, they change frequencies so their electrical fields don’t interfere.

  HOW TO FIGHT A SPEEDING TICKET

  Speeding tickets can cost a lot—in fines, legal fees, points on your license, increased insurance rates. Have you ever gotten a ticket you felt you didn’t deserve but didn’t know how to fight it? Here are some tips from the experts.

  TIP #1: SHUT UP

  Traffic officers will often ask you if you know why you were stopped. They aren’t just curious—they’re checking to see if you acknowledge guilt up front. If you do, it will make it that much harder for you to fight your ticket in court. Technically speaking, you don’t know why the officer has pulled you over. And even if you were speeding, you may have been pulled over because a taillight is out. So if you’re asked whether you know why you were stopped, just say no.

  If you are charged with speeding and must speak, try to say something that will help your case, like, “Officer, I believe I was driving at a safe and reasonable speed.” While you’re at it, ask the officer to let you off with a warning. It never hurts to ask (and if they agree, you get to skip the rest of this article).

  TIP #2: TAKE NOTES

  Does your estimate of how fast you were going differ from the officer’s estimate? If so, put some time and effort into researching your case and fighting your ticket. Experts say that if you can find a discrepancy in the officer’s testimony, or identify a problem with the way the radar equipment was used, you may be in a good position to fight an unfair ticket. Make as many mental or—even better—written notes of the circumstances surrounding your traffic stop as possible. Here are some things to look for:

  At the Scene

  Note the precise location where you were stopped, using street names and landmarks. You’ll need this info if you decide to come back to the scene later to collect more information about your incident.

  Forearmed is forewarned: Couples with forearms of the same length are more likely to stay together.

  Make a note of the weather—is it an unusually hot or cold day? Is it humid? Raining? Snowing? Windy? All of these factors can affect the accuracy of a radar gun.

  How heavy was the traffic when the officer clocked your speed? Were there any large vehicles (trucks, cars towing trailers, etc.) nearby? Make a note of it. Radar guns tend to detect the speed of the largest vehicle within their field of view.

  The Radar Unit

  Where was the officer when you were clocked? The beam from a radar gun behaves like the light from a flashlight: the farther it travels, the more it spreads out and the more targets it’s likely to hit. By the time the beam has traveled as little as 100 feet, it may be as wide as two lanes of traffic. Was a vehicle in the other lane traveling faster than your car? If so, your vehicle may not have been the one that was clocked.

  Ask the officer to let you see the radar unit that clocked your speed. Make a note of the make and model of the unit, and also the serial number if it is visible. If the officer refuses to let you see the unit, make a note of that too. It may come in handy later.

  Returning to the Scene of the Crime

  As soon as possible after you get a speeding ticket, go back to the place where you were stopped. Bring a pencil and paper and a camera. Sketch a simple diagram of the surrounding area and make a note of any trees, curves in the road, or buildings that might have obstructed the officer’s view.

  Note the speed limit in the area. Is it posted? In some states, if the speed limit isn’t posted in the area where you were stopped, you may be able to get out of a ticket.

  Are there any signs that indicate the stretch of road is “radar enforced?” In some jurisdictions, the police are only allowed to use radar guns where such signs are posted—and if the signs aren’t there, a judge can dismiss the charges against you.

  Power lines, microwave towers, bridges, overpasses, airports, hospitals, and even large neon signs can create electromagnetic interference affecting the accuracy of police radar units. If any such landmarks are nearby, be sure to photograph them and note them on your diagram.

  White Christmas: The English traditionally ate swans for Christmas dinner.

  TIP #3: CHECK THE EQUIPMENT

  Now that you’ve made notes of the circumstances surrounding your traffic stop, you can check to see if any of them may have contributed to an inaccurate reading of your car’s speed. If you suspect that the radar gun was malfunctioning or was used improperly, you can ask the court to instruct the police department to furnish you with documents that might help determine whether this is true. Some things to ask for:

  Manuals. Many training manuals include a few pages on the types of conditions that cause bad readings. Compare your notes with the instructions given in the manual. Did the officer use the radar gun in a way that the manufacturer warns is likely to generate a false reading? If you think poor weather on the day of the traffic stop was a factor, check to see if there’s anything in the manual that warns against bad readings on days with similar weather.

  Repair records. Is the radar gun used to clock your speed in the repair shop all the time? Has it gone three years without being serviced even once? Repair records could indicate that the radar gun is faulty or badly maintained.

  Calibration logs. Radar guns are finicky instruments that must be calibrated with a tuning fork on a regular basis, sometimes at the start and end of every officer’s shift. Ask to see the logs that certify the radar gun was properly calibrated and in good working order on the day it was used to clock your speed. If it wasn’t recently calibrated, it may have been unreliable.

  Vehicle information. If the officer was in a moving vehicle when clocking your speed, ask for the vehicle’s maintenance records, including information certifying that the speedometer has been calibrated recently and is working properly. If the police department declines to hand over what they have, or if their records are incomplete or poorly maintained, this, too, can serve as evidence in defending your case.

  TIP #4: CHECK THE SPEED LAW

  Let’s assume that you were exceeding the posted speed limit. Is there anything else you can do to fight the ticket? According to experts, if you live in a state with a “presumed” speed law, the answer may be yes.

  On a clear day, it is possible to see 50 miles from the top of the Empire State Building.

  Most states have “absolute” speed laws—if the sign says 55 mph and you are driving 56 mph, you’re breaking the law. But some states have presumed speed laws: if the weather, traffic, and road conditions are favorable enough for you to safely exceed the speed limit, you may be okay.

  Look up the section of the vehicle code that you are accused of violating. It may include language that says you are breaking the law “unless the defendant establishes that the speed in excess of said limits did not constitute a violation at the time, place and under the road, weather, and traffic conditions then existing.”

  Were you on a straight stretch of road? Was the road dry and the visibility clear? Was the traffic light? If so, you can argue that driving 52 mph on a 45-mph road was not breaking the law.

  TIP #5: GO TO TRAFFIC SCHOOL

  Nearly every state lets you wipe one traffic ticket off your driving record by going to traffic school. So should you go? The experts say yes. Here’s why: If you fight a traffic ticket in court, there’s no guarantee that you’ll win, even if you know you are right. But if your ticket qualifies for traffic school, all it will cost you is a small fee and one Saturday afternoon spent in a classroom. Some states even offer online traffic school, so you can meet the requirements at home or
anyplace else you have Internet access.

  TIP #6: LOOK UP THE VEHICLE CODE

  If you can’t go to traffic school, experts say the next step is to read your ticket and do a little research to figure out what it means. Why bother? You may be able to find something in the language of the law that can help you argue your case.

  Let’s say you get ticketed for making an unsafe left turn at an intersection. The officer will write the applicable section of the vehicle code on the ticket. When you go to the library and look up that section in your state’s vehicle code, it will list all of the conditions that must be met in order for your offense to be considered illegal. If any of the conditions are not met, you can go into traffic court and argue that your turn was not illegal.

  For example: In some states the section of the code that covers unsafe left turns says the turn is considered unsafe if “a vehicle approaching from the opposite direction is within the intersection or so close as to constitute an immediate hazard.”

  First people to wear T-shirts: sailors in the U.S. Navy.

  But what if there was no vehicle approaching from the opposite direction? What if the driver of the vehicle slowed down and motioned for you to go ahead and turn? You can argue that the turn you made doesn’t meet the definition of “unsafe” as described in the vehicle code. You can never predict what a judge will decide, but if you present your case well, you have a good chance that your ticket will be dismissed.

  TIP #7: GO TO COURT

  Some ticket-fighting experts estimate that in as many as 20% of minor traffic court cases, the officer who wrote the ticket will fail to appear in court due to scheduling conflicts, illness, or for some other reason. In most cases, if the officer fails to appear, the judge will dismiss your ticket. (Warning: The more serious the offense, the more likely the officer will appear, and the less likely the judge will dismiss it even if he doesn’t.)

  Would you want to go to traffic court on your day off? How about when you’re on vacation? Police officers don’t want to, either—and there’s no law that says you can’t call the police department and ask about an officer’s days off and vacation time. If you can get the court to schedule your court date for a time when the officer is away from work, you increase the odds that they won’t show up.

  Dress nicely. The judge is more likely to take you seriously.

  What if the officer does appear in court, and you lose the case? If you can’t take care of the ticket by going to traffic school (for example, if you’ve already been), you can still ask the judge to assess a lower fine. They will often comply, so if nothing else, you’ve still got a good chance at saving some money on the ticket.

  Good luck!

  “This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brains, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.”

  —Dalai Lama

  The contents of King Louis XIV’s chamber pot were noted daily and entered in a log book.

  JACK JOHNSON vs. THE GREAT WHITE HOPE

  Nobody gives much thought nowadays to the idea of African-American athletes competing against Caucasian athletes—it’s an everyday occurrence. But back in the early 1900s, it was unthinkable.

  THE GALVESTON GIANT

  Jack Johnson was the first black heavyweight boxing champion of the world. He won the title in 1908. He never considered himself an ambassador of his race and never tailored his public behavior to suit the racist social notions of the day. Instead, Johnson played on white America’s fears and prejudices, creating a public persona designed to provoke. He flaunted his wealth with fancy clothes and fast cars and, perhaps most distasteful to the bigoted newspaper sportswriters and editors of that era, he traveled and appeared regularly with white mistresses—two of whom he eventually married.

  FIGHT CLUB

  John Arthur Johnson was born in Galveston, Texas, in 1878. At the age of 13 he began participating in the notorious Battles Royale—contests between three to five fighters, usually black, with the last man standing taking the purse. By the time he turned 16, Johnson had become a full-time professional boxer.

  Pugilism at the dawn of the 20th century was a rougher sport than it is today. Boxing gloves, which had been used to reduce injury during training for over 100 years, were only just replacing bare knuckles in sanctioned, professional bouts. There were no set limits for the number of rounds in a fight—bouts went on until one of the contestants could no longer continue. Professional boxers often fought once a week or more for relatively small purses and in unforgiving circumstances.

  Black fighters weren’t offered opportunities to fight for world titles—particularly not in the glamorous heavyweight division. The best black boxers traveled the country fighting white contenders in non-title contests, or fighting one another. Two of the best black heavyweights of Johnson’s era, Sam Langford and Joe Jeanette, fought each other 15 times. Johnson fought Jeanette 10 times before winning the title but then never offered Jeanette a title match. They would only fight again in 1945 at the respective ages of 67 and 66 for a war bonds promotion in New York.

  To combat the winter blues, chimpanzees at the Warsaw Zoo watch three hours of TV a day.

  IN THIS CORNER...

  It was in this harsh and undeniably racist atmosphere that Johnson, after nearly 100 fights and four years as “Black Heavyweight Champion of the World,” got his World Heavyweight title shot against reigning champ Tommy Burns. On the eve of the fight, held in Australia, a Sydney newspaper wrote that “citizens who never prayed before are supplicating Providence to give the white man a strong right arm with which to belt the coon into oblivion.”

  Burns was paid a record $30,000 for the fight; Johnson, $5,000. Johnson beat Burns decisively; police had to stop the fight in the 14th round for Burns’s safety. American author Jack London, writing in the New York Herald, observed that “the battle was between a colossus and a pygmy. Burns was a toy in Johnson’s hands.” London then called upon former champion Jim Jeffries, who’d retired undefeated to a Nevada farm, to avenge the white race. “Emerge from your alfalfa fields,” he wrote, “and remove the golden smile from Johnson’s face. Jeff, it’s up to you. The White Man must be rescued.”

  The search for the Great White Hope was on.

  DEFENDING THE TITLE

  Boxing promoters quickly arranged for middleweight champ Stanley Ketchel to be the first of the Great White Hopes. For 11 rounds Johnson toyed with the smaller Ketchel, taunting him with insults and landing blow after blow. In the 12th round, the battered and bleeding Ketchel caught Johnson with a lucky shot that sent him to the canvas. The champion picked himself up and ended the fight with one last punch, knocking Ketchel’s teeth out.

  Several other white fighters followed, trying to dethrone Johnson. They all failed. Eventually, the undefeated Jim Jeffries was coaxed into taking up the challenge. White America was convinced that Jeffries was their last best hope for a white champ. The stage was set for one of the most socially explosive bouts in boxing history.

  Alexander Graham Bell tried to teach his dog how to talk. (How’d it go? Rough!)

  BEFORE THE FIGHT

  James J. Jeffries was the only heavyweight champion ever to have retired undefeated. He’d been contentedly raising crops on his farm for six years when London and others convinced him to return to the ring. His fight with Johnson, scheduled for July 4, 1910, in Reno, Nevada, was one of the most anticipated sporting events of the age.

  Promoter Tex Rickard sold a record 40,000 tickets to the contest. Eastern newspapers arranged to keep tabs on the fight via telegraph. Rickard spread rumors of celebrity referees, including H. G. Wells and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, and hired former (white) champ James J. Corbett to make inflammatory publicity statements like, “Take it from me, the black boy has a yellow streak and Jeff will bring it out when he gets him into that ring.”

  The pre-fight hysteria over Jeffries’s hope of “avenging his race” even affected the bookmake
rs—they made the aging, overweight Jeffries a 10 to 6 betting favorite, prompting Johnson to wire his brother Claude in Chicago to “bet your last copper on me.” The fighters were to receive among the largest purses ever awarded in a prizefight at the time: $60,000 plus a $10,000 advance for Johnson, $40,400 to Jeffries, with an additional $50,000 apiece for the sale of film rights.

  Leading up to the fight, Johnson continued to taunt his detractors. At his training camp two miles out of town (which was open to the press), he had two white women with him. The atmosphere surrounding the fight was summed up by playwright Howard Sackler in his 1967 play The Great White Hope:

  The fight was going to decide in the eyes of the world not just who was the better man, but who was the better race. The fear that underlay this was a nightmare fear, of this smiling black man, the strongest black man in the world, who made no bones about wanting and being able to have white women. That touched something very deep in the American consciousness.

  AND THE WINNER...

  The once-great Jeffries was humiliated in a 15-round knockout, Johnson making it clear that he was only toying with the exchamp and that he could have ended the fight at any time. The news of Johnson’s victory went out over the telegraph lines and within hours race riots broke out in every southern state, as well as Pennsylvania, Colorado, Missouri, Ohio, New York, Illinois, and the District of Columbia. Former president Theodore Roosevelt called for a ban on prizefighting, and Congress hastily passed laws prohibiting the interstate transportation of motion pictures, to prevent films of the fight being shown around the country. Before the dust settled, at least 14 black men had been lynched in the fallout over the fight.

  During Prohibition, there were 100,000 illegal drinking establishments in New York City.

  THE WHITE SLAVE ACT

  After the Jeffries debacle, Johnson continued to plow through his opponents and infuriate his enemies. Black journalists and social critics pressured him to tone down his antagonistic act and become a more acceptable black role model for the white press. But Johnson refused to yield.