Uncle John’s Slightly Irregular Bathroom Reader

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Uncle John’s Slightly Irregular Bathroom Reader Page 57

by Bathroom Readers' Institute


  The food situation was dire. Wavy Gravy tried to coordinate “breakfast in bed for 400,000,” but supplies were woefully short. And by this time, the portable toilets were unusable. Three Days of Peace and Music had become a disaster area. The situation was so bad, in fact, that New York governor Nelson Rockefeller threatened to send in National Guard troops to break up the festival.

  But luckily for everyone involved, calmer heads prevailed. And still, the music went on. Audiences were treated that day and throughout the night to sets by Crosby, Stills & Nash, Ten Years After, Johnny Winter, and Joe Cocker.

  Fidel Castro was once offered a chance to pitch for the New York Giants.

  Woodstock’s final act, headliner Jimi Hendrix, didn’t even get to start his set until 9 a.m. on Monday morning. His instrumental version of “The Star-Spangled Banner” woke up the dozing crowd and gave them one last electrifying—but underappreciated—performance as they packed up their muddy belongings and left Yasgur’s farm. The Woodstock Music and Arts Fair was over, but for the four men who formed Woodstock Ventures, that weekend would consume them for years to come.

  AFTERMATH

  The largest concert in history also left one of the biggest messes in history. It took several months and $100,000 to clean up all the garbage left behind—and it was years before Max Yasgur’s land recuperated. The festival also left at least three people dead: one a 17-year-old boy who was asleep under a tractor trailer when it started up and pulled away, and two more people who died of drug overdoses. The final tally for those treated for medical problems was around 5,000. There were eight miscarriages and it was rumored that several babies were born. And with all of the free love, who knows how many babies were conceived at Woodstock.

  By the festival’s end, Woodstock Ventures was $1.3 million in debt. Promotional expenses had gone 70% over budget, and production expenses were 300% over budget. Throughout the 1970s, Woodstock Ventures was mired in lawsuits and faced criminal charges for illegal drug use, breach of contract, and even illegal burning from the plumes of smoke that rose over the field for weeks as all the trash was burned. Another lawsuit came from the town of White Lake for disturbing the peace (an ironic charge for an event whose goal was to promote peace), but that suit was dropped in 1978. So was it worth it? Yes, says Lang—the whole ordeal of organizing Woodstock was like “living a dream. My idea was just to get it done, whatever it took. We had a vision, and it all came true.”

  AFTER THE AFTERMATH

  The saving grace for the concert promoters’ monetary woes came from the movie Woodstock. Warner Bros. made a film of the event (edited by Martin Scorsese) and Woodstock Ventures was entitled to residual royalties. Because of this, Woodstock Ventures broke even—in 1980. (Want to see Mrs. Uncle John? She’s in the movie. She the cute brunette behind the guy freaking out.)

  Green turtles lay some 1,800 eggs in their lifetime. About 3 of them will survive to breed.

  Twenty-five years later, on August 12, 1994, around 300,000 people showed up in Saugerties, New York, to attend Woodstock ’94, which was produced by Woodstock Ventures, still headed by Michael Lang, Joel Rosenman, and John Roberts.

  CULTURAL LEGACY

  Woodstock came at a time when the United States was at a crossroads, but did it really change anything? On the day after the event, the New York Times ran an editorial that called Woodstock a “colossal mess.” But just a day later, the paper changed its tune, calling it a “phenomenon of innocence. They came, it seems, to enjoy their lifestyle that is its own declaration of independence.”

  Elliot Tiber, the man who supplied the original permit for Woodstock Ventures to put on the festival, says in his essay, How Woodstock Happened: “True believers still call Woodstock the capstone of an era devoted to human advancement. Cynics say it was a fitting, ridiculous end to an era of naivete. Then there are those who say it was just a hell of a party.”

  Which of the three it actually was is still being debated, but one thing is for sure: as the summer of 1969 came to an end, the optimism that stemmed from seeing men land on the moon and 450,000 people gather peacefully in the rain was running out.

  On December 6 of that year, the Rolling Stones headlined the Altamont Festival in Livermore, California. The event was scarred by a near-riot and the stabbing death of an 18-year-old man at the hands of the Hells Angels. Altamont has since been called “the day the ‘60s died” and “the anti-Woodstock.”

  As the ‘70s rolled in, the nation would soon be rocked by the Watergate scandal and then an energy crisis, making that weekend in White Lake seem like a distant memory.

  WHAT A LONG STRANGE TRIP

  But Woodstock is by no means forgotten. It’s one of the most enduring images of the 1960s. And it’s likely there won’t be a concert again of its magnitude. The original site now holds a monument to the event and an amphitheater that seats 16,000... comfortably. And as for the recording studio that sparked the whole idea in the first place, it was never built.

  The border between Italy and the Vatican City is marked by a painted white line.

  “I think you have proven something to the world—that half a million kids can get together and have three days of fun and music and have nothing BUT fun and music. God bless you all!”

  —Max Yasgur to the crowd at Woodstock

  LINEUP AT WOODSTOCK

  Friday:

  Richie Havens

  John Sebastian

  Country Joe McDonald (with his “Fixin-to-Die-Rag”)

  Swami Satchadinanda (the guru)

  Bert Sommer

  Sweetwater

  Tim Hardin

  Ravi Shankar (quit due to rain)

  Melanie

  Arlo Guthrie

  Joan Baez

  Saturday:

  Quill (threw stuff at the audience)

  Keef Hartly

  Santana

  Mountain

  Canned Heat

  The Incredible String Band

  Grateful Dead

  Creedence Clearwater Revival

  Janis Joplin

  Sly and the Family Stone

  The Who

  Jefferson Airplane

  Sunday/Monday:

  Joe Cocker (followed by a huge rainstorm)

  Max Yasgur (with a speech)

  Country Joe & the Fish

  Ten Years After

  The Band

  Blood, Sweat & Tears

  Johnny Winter

  Crosby, Stills & Nash (joined for a few songs by Neil Young)

  Paul Butterfield Blues Band

  Sha-Na-Na

  Jimi Hendrix

  The tallest sunflower on record: 23 feet, 6 inches.

  BIRTHSTONES

  Birthstones are like horoscopes—even if you don’t believe in them, it’s fun to look them up and see what they mean.

  ROCK STARS

  Many gem scholars attribute the tradition of birthstones to the jeweled “breastplate of Aaron” described in the Bible (Exodus 28, 15-30). The breastplate was a ceremonial religious garment worn by Aaron, the brother of Moses; it was set with 12 gemstones representing the 12 tribes of Israel and perhaps, say folklorists, the 12 months of the year.

  Around that same time, the Assyrians began assigning gemstones to each region of the zodiac according to a color system that they believed controlled its power. Each stone had its own distinct magical, protective, and curative qualities that corresponded with the attributes of the astrological sign. Over time the stones came to be associated more with calendar months than astrological signs.

  The custom spread to other cultures—including Arabic, Jewish, Hindu, Polish and Russian, each of which modified the list of birthstones. Over the centuries, other changes and substitutions were made: sometimes accidentally by scribes, sometimes by royalty who didn’t like their birthstones, and sometimes according to fashion and availability.

  ROMANCING THE STONE

  In 1912 the American National Association of Jewelers came up with the Tradi
tional Birthstone List, a standardized list that combined contemporary trends with all the birthstone lists from the 15th to the 20th centuries. A few years later, it was revised and renamed the Modern Birthstone List. The association hoped the modern list would eliminate confusion among jewelers.

  Did it work? Not entirely. The old lists didn’t go away, so there are still variations in jeweler’s lists. And those aren’t the only lists, either. There’s a Mystical Birthstone list that’s based on ancient Tibetan culture, an Ayurvedic list originating from the 1,000-year-old system of Indian medicine, a zodiac list, and a planetary list, to name just a few. What’s your birthstone? Look it up on the Modern Birthstone List and see for yourself:

  Yell for 8 years, 7 months, and 6 days and you’ll burn enough energy to heat 1 cup of coffee.

  January Birthstone: Garnet (most commonly red, but it can be found in all colors except blue)

  Background: The garnet got its name from the ancient Greeks because the stone looks like a granatum, or pomegranate seed.

  It was used in the 13th century to repel insects and evil spirits. Egyptians placed them in tombs as payment to the gods to guarantee the spirit’s safe passage to the nether world. The garnet is considered the gem of faith and truth. Today, when you give someone a garnet, it is a token of your loyalty and devotion.

  February Birthstone: Amethyst (all hues of purple)

  Background: The amethyst was worn by the ancient Romans to ward off the temptations of Bacchus, the god of wine. The name itself is from the Greek term meaning “not drunk.” It was also believed to bring its wearers peace of mind by controlling evil thoughts. If you want to keep negative energy away from you, wear amethyst. It is the most valued stone in the quartz family. The deeper its color, the more valuable it is.

  March Birthstone: Aquamarine (light blue to blue-green to dark blue)

  Background: Legend says that Neptune, god of the sea, presented it as a gift to his mermaids, which may explain why sailors used aquamarine as a talisman for safe travel. In the 14th century, Europeans wore it as an antidote for poison. It is said to increase intelligence, enhance youth, and relieve anxiety. Giving your bride an aquamarine necklace on your wedding day will ensure a healthy marriage.

  April Birthstone: Diamond (all colors—from clear to pink, yellow, brown, red, green, blue, and even black)

  Background: The diamond is the hardest natural mineral—four times harder than the next hardest, sapphire and ruby. Ancient cultures wore it to ward off cowardice, and to insure love and harmony in relationships. Jewelers say that “diamonds are forever” because they have the longest endurance of any other mineral substance. On average, they date back 3.4 billion years. World’s largest diamond: the Cullinan Diamond from South Africa, at 3,106 carats.

  In Iceland, tipping at a restaurant is considered an insult.

  May Birthstone: Emerald (deep green to yellow-green to blue-green)

  Background: Emeralds were historically one of the most prized gems. Both King Solomon and Cleopatra owned emerald mines (the Egyptians believed emeralds could kill poisonous snakes, but that didn’t help Cleopatra—she died from a snakebite). Bestowing upon its wearer wisdom, patience, everlasting love, faithfulness, and the ability to foretell the future, an emerald is regarded as an amulet for general good fortune. Large emeralds are rare; high-quality stones are valued at $3,000 to $4,000 per carat.

  June Birthstone: Pearl (depending on the type of shellfish and water it comes from, it can be white, silver, pink, brown, or black)

  Background: Pearls have been treasured throughout history by cultures around the world—Indian, Arabian, Chinese, Persian, and Egyptian, to name a few. They are believed to offer the power of love, money, and wisdom, to hasten the laws of karma, to cement relationships, and to keep children safe. Pearls are valued by their size, their color, and their “orient,” the deep inner glow and iridescence found in natural pearls. The more “orient” a pearl has, the more valuable it is.

  July Birthstone: Ruby (various shades of red—blue ones are called sapphires)

  Background: Rubies were used in the 13th century as a prescription for liver ailments and were believed to preserve mental and physical health. They were given as offerings to Buddha in China and to Krishna in India. Ground to a powder, rubies were once thought to be a cure for indigestion. High quality rubies are rarer and more valuable than diamonds. Largest, most expensive ruby ever: a 15.97-carat stone that sold for $3.6 million in 1988.

  August Birthstone: Peridot (mostly varying hues of yellow-green, but also yellow, brown, and orange)

  Background: Hawaiians believed peridot to be the divine tears wept by Pele, goddess of the volcano. The Romans believed it would protect them from death in battle, but only when “pierced” (made into a bead) and “strung on the hair of an ass,” then worn on the right arm. South American shamans still use it to ward off snakebites and mosquitoes. Wear it to clear your mind of envy.

  The largest prime number known (so far) is 7,235,733 digits long.

  September Birthstone: Sapphire (most commonly blue, but also found in yellow, clear, orange, pink, green, and purple)

  Background: In Biblical times, sapphires were believed to transmit innocence and good health, and to protect against evil spirits. Later they were believed to heal mental illness. Ivan the Terrible wore them to give him strength and courage. New Age advice: Wear a sapphire to enhance spiritual enlightenment and inner peace, or to aid in telepathy, clairvoyance, and astral projection. The choicest sapphires are the rich blue ones that come from Kashmir.

  October Birthstone: Opal (generally either opaque or translucent white, they show almost every color in a variety of combinations)

  Background: In medieval times, blonde maidens wore opals to guarantee their hair would neither darken nor fade. The stones were also thought to grant wearers the power of invisibility, giving it the nickname Patronus furum (“patron of thieves”). Arabs believed the opal got its fiery color because it fell from the heavens in a lightning flash.

  November Birthstone: Topaz (clear, yellow, orange, red, peach, blue, gold, and green, ranging from transparent to translucent)

  Background: The topaz was named after the island in the Red Sea where the gem was first discovered, Topazios (meaning “to guess”—the island was hard to find because it was almost always covered in fog). During the Middle Ages, the stone was thought to heal mental and physical disorders and even to prevent death. Ancient Greeks believed that the topaz improved eyesight. It’s rare to find a “precious topaz” (gold with pink hues) over three carats. If you do, it’s worth about $500 per carat.

  December Birthstone: Turquoise (blue to green and most combinations in between)

  Background: In 13th-century Persia, turquoise was believed to protect riders from falling off their horses, so it was often set into bridles. American Indians—particularly Navajos and Apaches—believe turquoise to be sacred and use it in their jewelry, artwork, and ceremonies. The Aztecs reserved it strictly for the gods—no mortal was allowed to wear it. Turquoise attracts success, promotes healing, and relaxes the mind. Arizona turquoise generally has the highest value; “robin’s egg blue” is the rarest.

  How many hairs does the average human scalp contain? Between 120,000 and 150,000.

  ANSWER PAGES

  BASKETBALL 101

  Answers for page 102

  1. b, 2. d, 3. b, 4. d, 5. c, 6. a straight line, 7. d, 8. d 9. c, 10. a curved line

  The test was so easy that nobody had to cheat, right? Wrong. Coach Harrick let three athletes skip all the classes (and the final exam) and then gave them A’s anyway. Game over? No—the NCAA got wind of Harrick’s exam in 2004 and launched an investigation. Outcome: Pending.

  KNOW YOUR GLOBE

  Answers for page 136

  1. a) Louisiana. It has 64 parishes. (Parish comes from the administrative subdivisions of the Catholic Church.)

  2. c) La Paz, Bolivia, at 12,000 feet above sea level.

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sp; 3. b) Belgium. The Walloons, from southern Belgium (originally called Walloonia), are descendents of the Celts. The Flemings, from northern Belgium (originally called Flanders), are descendants of German Franks. Only 10% of the population is bilingual.

  4. a) The Nile, which is more than 4,100 miles long.

  5. d) Death Valley. It lies 282 feet below sea level.

  6. b) Uluru, which means “Great Pebble,” was formed more than 600 million years ago.

  7. a) Steppes, most common in Russia, Asia, and central Europe, are generally areas that were once lush and forested but became barren from cultivation and overgrazing.

  8. a) Mesa. An arroyo is a deep gully; an atoll is a coral island and reef; and a piedmont is the area of land at the base of a mountain.

  9. d) Underwater earthquakes. A tsunami is a series of waves generated by oceanic disturbances—earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, landslides, or impact from cosmic bodies such as meteorites.

  World record? One cat is documented as having given birth to 420 kittens in her lifetime.

  10. d) Mandarin. More than one billion people speak it (500 million speak English; 450 million speak Hindi).

  11. a) Greenland. It’s about 840,000 square miles—a third the size of Australia. (Australia is a continent, which means it’s technically too large to be considered an island.) Greenland is a territory of Denmark.

  12. a) Botswana comprises 225,953 square miles and has a population of close to 1.5 million. It is one of 15 landlocked countries in Africa. The world’s largest landlocked country is the Asian nation of Kazakhstan.

  13. d) Igneous. Metamorphic rocks have undergone some type of change due to heat and pressure; sedimentary rocks are formed by the accumulation and squeezing together of layers of sediment (particles of rock or remains of plant and animal life). The term stratus has nothing to do with rocks—it’s a low cloud formation with gray horizontal layers.

 

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