by Joya Ryan
“Oh,” Harper said. “I’m glad you got out of the dump hotel, but…are you okay?”
“Sort of,” I said honestly. “The guys are treating me well, but it’s tricky.”
“Wait, guys? As in, both Jack and Cal are with you?”
“Yeah, it’s their cabin. After you left, there was an incident and they basically stepped in and became my personal body guards.”
“Yeah, I figured that, since last time I saw them they were parked outside your motel, but how is all that working? You’re under the same roof with two of your exes.”
Exes was a loose term, something I didn’t really want to go into, since I had no idea what Cal and I or Jack and I were. We had history and feelings, both of which I was having a hard time getting a grip on.
“It’s…challenging,” I admitted.
“You can come stay with me,” she said quickly. Harper was waiting on the insurance money just like I was, so I wasn’t sure how or where she got a place. “I’m staying with Rhett in his ghetto one bedroom bachelor pad, but there’s always room for you. Once the money comes in from the fire, then we’re going to look at houses.”
“That’s great, Harp,” I said, and felt truly happy for my best friend. “But I’m okay right now. Besides, I called the insurance company again. They assured me that they’d have a check for each of us within a week.”
“Thank you for being so on top of everything,” she said. “You sure you don’t want to come here? The couch isn’t much, but it’s yours if you want it.” I heard Harper giggle and what sounded like Rhett’s voice in the background. A few kissing noises followed.
Though dealing with Jack and Cal was tricky, I didn’t want to spoil Harper’s newlywed bliss by crashing on her couch. I just had to make it a few more days. Once the New Year hit, things were looking up. I could go to the bank and see what was in this mystery lockbox, the insurance money would come in, and school was gearing up to start. My hope was that with the selling of my father’s company, Anita would finally be off my back and the last tie I had with her and Brock would be severed.
Yeah, just a few more days. Then everything would be different. The only thing I didn’t know about was how long the investigation would take for both my father’s murder and the house fire. But so long as I got some sense of normalcy back, and the company was officially sold and Anita and Brock got their money, surely things would be better. They had to be. Because, even if Jack was right and they felt threatened by me or thought I had something to gain, that would all be put to rest with the company selling.
“You sure you’re okay?” she asked. “I’m here if you need me.”
“I know.” And I did. I would be okay. Aside from this tension building, both sexual and otherwise. One thing I did need at the moment was advice. “Harper, I don’t know what to do about Jack and Cal.”
“They both want you bad, huh?”
I frowned. “Something like that. How did you know?”
“It was always obvious how they felt about you, so I’m not surprised. They are each so different, though.”
Tell me about it. I had no idea where to start making sense of it all.
“The question is, though, do you want either of them?”
The truth was on my lips so quick I couldn’t help but blurt it out. “Yes.” I glanced around the room. Cal’s room. “But it’s not that simple. I can’t choose. I love them both.”
Even after making the decision to move past everything that had happened, the arrangement they’d made, I still loved them.
“Love sucks so bad sometimes,” she said. “But it’s also not easy or conventional or has a single path to get you there.”
“I can’t pick a path,” I admitted. “I know I’ll leave a mess when I go, and staying away from them is killing me as much as being with them is.”
Harper let out a long breath. “I don’t know what to tell you. If you can’t choose, then walk away. Because stringing them along isn’t good for anyone.”
“I’m not stringing them along.”
“I know. But you have an end date, right? You can’t stay there forever.”
I suppose I did. I hadn’t marked it on the calendar or anything, but maybe a firm end date was a good idea.
“The second,” I said. “I’m heading out the day after New Year’s.” Somehow, making a concrete statement twisted up my stomach. But I needed to have that end in sight. It was only then that I would be able to move past…everything. And Jack and Cal could move on too.
“Okay, then for the next few days, I’d take every moment, every opportunity you have to really see each of them. Maybe you’ll find clarity and one will surpass the other and you’ll know who it is you’re meant to be with,” Harper said.
“And, if I don’t?”
“Then you’re not out anything. You got to be with two people you care about and didn’t want to choose between anyway. But take the time you have and use it to your advantage so you can walk away and be certain you made the right choice. Even if it means neither of them.”
I closed my eyes, because deep down, I knew that the answer would remain me walking away from both. I couldn’t imagine ever picking between one man who had my heart, and the other who had my soul.
Harper was right, I could use the time to be sure. Maybe then walking away wouldn’t be as bad. I almost chuckled at the thought, because no matter what, it was going to be worse than bad. But denial had become my friend lately.
“If you change your mind, I’m here,” Harper said. “The offer for the couch stands.”
I laughed. “Thank you so much.”
She laughed too and said, “Everything will work out how it’s supposed to. I truly believe that.”
Whatever Harper had gone through lately, with Rhett even, had her talking like a different person.
“I’m here for you too.”
“I know. And once neither of us are technically homeless anymore, we’re due for a girl’s night and we’ll catch each other up with everything.”
“I’d like that.” It was something normal to look forward to.
“Good luck, Lan,” she said.
I hung up and took a deep breath, glancing at the door again. I’d need more than luck to face down what was on the other side of it.
~
I heard a crackling sound. Low, like a ghost’s voice. An orange glow started to brighten as I stared off into blackness. The glow got bigger.
Pain and terror surged through me with every frantic breath.
Fire.
What had been just a whisper was a scream now. Roaring angry flames shot from every direction as I watched my house burn. Felt the heat on my face. The pain from where I’d been hit—
I gasped and shot up in bed.
Looking around, I lay in bed, coming down from the nightmare. From the reality that Brock and Anita were out there. Hating me. The person who started the fire was out there.
With several deep breaths, I got out of bed and looked out the window. I didn’t remember falling asleep. But it was bright out, the morning giving way to the afternoon.
Even a cold shower didn’t help the blistering fear I still felt from the dream. Felt from that night. When everything went up in flames around me. My house, my life, my love.
I thought about what Harper had said. I needed to be sure. Because my plan would be to walk away. There was no other way. Or maybe I was looking for excuses to be with them.
No.
I couldn’t.
Shouldn’t.
Despite everything, somewhere along the line, things shifted from getting away from them because they hurt me, to getting away from them because I was hurting them.
But I had some time. Time I should use wisely. I just had no idea how to do that.
There was no solution, which was something I was having a hard time stomaching. Because finding a solution was something I enjoyed. Weighing risk, smart decisions and statistics gave me control and a sense of normalcy
.
Plugging Cal and Jack into a data system wouldn’t work. Not this time.
Pulling on my jeans and T-shirt, I walked into the front room, hoping the universe would give me a sign. If there was a direction I was supposed to move, I needed to know now.
I entered the kitchen to see a shirtless and sweaty Cal bending over and rifling through the fridge.
Good God, the man was perfect. He stood, all that tan skin and those bulging muscles lightly misted with sheen from working out. At least, that was my guess. Since he wore a pair of low slung shorts and nothing else. Either way, I wasn’t complaining.
“Emerged from the lair, huh?” he asked, turning to face me with a carton of orange juice in his hand.
“Lair? It’s your room. I’m not the one who made it look like a cave.”
He untwisted the carton top. “Cave is Jack’s sense of design. Not mine.”
I couldn’t argue that. Cal’s room reminded me of his house. Fresh and rugged and open. But still, he called it a lair. “The shower is made of stones. That’s pretty cave-like if you ask me.”
He took several swallows of the orange juice right from the carton until it was gone. I watched his ripped body flex and move, and I was certain watching him drink cold beverages could become a dangerous hobby. One I was ready to take on.
Nope. Focus. I needed to make a discernable effort and map feelings and moments and…
I blew out a breath.
I was trying to equate something that didn’t have a quantifiable value. When Cal’s blue eyes landed on me, I decided that there had to be a solution. Even if it was walking away.
“Normally, I’d be stoked to have you spending all this time in my room. Especially in my bed and my bathtub.”
A flush pricked its way up my neck. I was crazy if I thought that incident wouldn’t get brought up again. But Cal didn’t push it. Instead, he tilted his head, examining me, and set the now-empty carton on the counter.
“I know a lot is wrong right now, and last night was,” he paused. “Intense, so I won’t ask that obvious question, but is there something extra wrong?”
I small grin tugged my lips like a puppeteer pulling a string. Cal had a way. A way to ask, a way to answer, a way to love. He made everything seem easy. He made me feel like if there were something “extra wrong” he would be there to help me deal with it.
Problem was, the extra wrong involved him. And Jack. And a future I couldn’t face, but was trying to.
Collect data.
“Just thinking about a lot of things,” I said, not wanting to go into my bad dream or the fact that, sure, someone setting fire to my home had a residual after-effect of making me feel scared. Like a target.
“What kind of things?” Cal asked. I caught the briefest twitch of his arm, as if he were going to reach out, but didn’t. A loss flooded. He wasn’t going to reach out for me. Because of my rule. Maybe because of something more than that. I knew how scary it was to reach out to someone.
“Things like the new year. Everything will change.”
“Like?” he pressed.
His tone was quick and determined. Something I’d expect from Jack. But Cal had a serious side. A dark alpha side that always boiled beneath the surface.
I met his eyes. “Everything,” I whispered.
He looked at me for a long moment as that one word hung heavy in the air like a piano on a string, slowly swaying back and forth. We both knew what it meant, but Cal seemed determined to cut the rope.
“Everything is very broad. Specify.”
When I frowned at him, he just reached back and gripped the edge of the counter behind him. His rock hard abs, chest, and the sinful tattoo that lined it on full display and distracting as hell. But I kept my frown.
“Don’t look at me like that. Jack’s not the only one who wants answers.” Determination coated the syllables. “You’re not being a hundred percent honest. Tell me how you see things changing. And when.”
I grappled for the will to steady my heart. “We’re not going to stay in this cabin forever. Our time here will end.”
“Thinking of the end now?” he challenged with a raised brow. I nodded. I couldn’t tell if he was slightly playful or slightly terrified. “You obviously have a plan then?”
“The bank opens after New Year’s Day.”
“And if I say that I’ll take you to the bank, figure out this lockbox issue, then bring you back here…?” he waited for me to finish his sentence with an answer.
“I’d say no,” I said softly.
So much silence passed between us that I started counting my heartbeats.
Boom-boom. Boom-boom.
The rhythm got louder the stiller Cal stayed.
Finally, he pushed off the counter and took a step toward me. He didn’t stop himself from reaching out this time. He simply tucked a lock of hair behind my ear and said, “That doesn’t give me much time to sway you then. Better bring out my A+ game.”
I scoffed, but humor was lining the noise. He was likely thinking that he and Jack would do just that, sway me to stay. Like they had last time I’d brought up leaving. I couldn’t bear to fight with him on this now. I’d set a hard date, but didn’t want to have to actually defend that. It was too difficult.
“How do you feel about last night?” he asked. He’d said earlier it was intense, and that was definitely a way to describe it.
“It didn’t feel wrong,” I started. I’d been in the company of men I trusted. “But, afterwards, I didn’t know how to feel or what to think.”
“Me either,” Cal admitted. “I knew I wanted you. Would do anything to have you. It didn’t matter the circumstance. If you gave me an inch or a mile I would have taken it. But yeah…afterward…” He stroked my lock of hair again. “I didn’t know what to do.”
I glanced at his hand that was slowly running down my long hair.
“You never specified that I couldn’t touch your hair. It’s technically not touching you,” he defended against the rule I didn’t bring up.
“Uh-huh,” I said with a sarcasm.
He stepped closer until I felt his warmth. Leaned into it even.
“Still not touching you,” he said. While a hint of playfulness lined his voice, his gaze was anything but, and his mouth hovered closer to mine.
Boom-boom.
I could smell the sandalwood soap on his skin. So close I could almost taste it.
Boom-boom.
“Still not touching you,” he whispered. He glanced from my lips to my eyes and finished with, “Unless you want me to…”
I breathed in everything he was and almost shook my head yes when a small voice in the back of my head whispered:
Are you ready to choose?
“I can’t,” I stuttered out, half in response to Cal and half to my own thoughts. If I couldn’t choose, I couldn’t close the distance.
I stepped back and Cal’s fingers fell from the lock of my hair.
Breathing was proving difficult. I needed clarity. I didn’t want to say goodbye to the kind of warmth Cal had. But I had to make some kind of effort to get a grip. I was supposed to be collecting data. See if one of the men passed the other. The notion seemed impossible, but I clung to Harper’s advice. If I was going to walk away, alone or otherwise, I needed to be sure. And part of me did want to enjoy the little time I had. Because Cal was right. We didn’t have a lot of time left. But contrary to what he thought, I was already swaying, between him and Jack.
“Lana?” Jack called from his room down the hall.
I closed my eyes for a moment, then opened them to find Cal’s hadn’t left my face. With a pathetic attempt for a smile, I excused myself from whatever moment I’d just missed with Cal and walked toward Jack.
“You beckoned?” I said, a little sharply, and stood in the doorway to his bedroom. Though it only looked half like a bedroom, the other side was dominated by an attached office. He had his own bathroom off to the left, but straight head, beyond the
massive bed and rich dark colors, and a pile of blankets were on the floor, where I assumed Cal slept. Jack sat behind a large desk facing me.
Leave it to Jack to have an office everywhere he went.
“I want to discuss the logistics of going to the bank.”
I crossed my arms and leaned against the door jamb. He watched my actions intently, then rose from behind his desk and walk around it.
“Please, come in,” he offered like the invitation was a totally normal one. He sounded far too breezy. Like he was inviting me onto a sun porch. Not the bedroom of a man I had a hard time keeping my hands off of.
I took a step in, then another. He watched with what I could only describe as victory on his face.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” I asked, and took another step. Because, while I didn’t exactly understand, I loved that look. That dark fire blazing behind his eyes was hard enough to handle, but this? This was deeper. It was the fire mixed with…joy.
“You coming toward me is the best sight in the world. I’m going to stare.”
That made me stall. Not to upset him, but from shock. Jack was being painfully honest, something he’d done several times before, but this time? He looked like he really meant it. Like he’d rather watch me walk toward him than watch a sunset.
“You wanted to talk about the bank?” I reminded. Mostly for myself, because if he liked me walking toward him, he had no idea how much I wanted to run toward him as well. Then jump into his arms. And fall. Fall back into love the way we’d been. Fall over the edge of reason. Fall away from the world and get lost in the darkness of his eyes.
“Yes,” he said quickly, glancing away for a moment, as if to clear his own head. “You wanted to go first thing when they opened, so we’ll be leaving here early.”
I nodded. I just had to make it two more days. A fact that both calmed and terrified me.
Two more days. That was it. The realization held a different tone in my head. One was celebratory and one was looming.
That. Was. It.
“Afterward,” Jack continued, and my brain snapped to alert. I needed to be clear and honest now. And Jack was not going to like what I said next.